awk + awe

awkward:

-I never see my roommates. Which isn’t really that awkward, but the reason why kind of is. It’s because I’ve started going to bed at 9:00, y’all! Nine! I have become that friend that if you text her after 9:30, you’re going to get an answer the next morning. Plan accordingly.

- I would like someone to explain to me when I became such a wimp. Because I can’t remember it happening, but all the sudden I cry at/about everything. It’s completely out of control.  [i.e. I cried every single day last week. And I’m not PMSing.]

-My best friend left the country for a week. I almost forgot how to function without her to talk to everyday. When she got back on Monday I hugged her for a full 3 minutes and squeaked out that she can never leave me again. Drama queen.

-The panic I’m already feeling about bathing suit season. And not because I hate my body or anything unhealthy like that. Simply because I’m still convinced they’re never going to make a bathing suit top to contain this what’s happenin’ I’ve got up here. Cmon, y’all.  I want to be modest and cute at the same time! Help a girl out.

awesome:

-J’s sweet cousin got engaged last night to the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. I read the twitter update announcing it in the Win Dixie parking lot, and proceeded to jump around like a fool and yell “I’m so happy for them! I’m so happy for them!” for a minute straight. And I refuse to put this under awkward, because it was awesome.

- I am a part of what I have decided is the best community group known to man. I’m just so blessed to be a part of something that is continually growing and looking more like Jesus wants us to every day. It’s amazing. Does your bible study talk about biblical zombies and have the most dysfunctional bible drills ever? No. Didn’t think so.

-You know those times in your life where you feel like you just can’t hear God? You almost feel like you’re straining to hear something, anything. But all you’re getting is silence. And you’re frustrated. And then BOOM, here he comes, rocking your world loud and proud. That. That is awesome.

-I’m sponsoring over at Lauren Nicole this March. She’s one of my favorite bloggers around, and is married to another one of my favorites. Go check her blog and my pretty button out. 

sex: why i'm waiting

Remember that time I wrote that post about being a virgin and refusing to be ashamed about it? I want to talk about it again. This time, why. Why I've chosen to stay a virgin until I get married. [Let me slip in a disclaimer real quick before I get started: if you read this and you didn't wait, please don't think I'm sitting up on my big celibate throne casting judgment down on all you sex-havers. Please. Not the case. I just want to outline why I've waited for all the people who don't get it.]

And there's lots of people who don't get it. If I'm being honest, I still have moments where my flesh totally takes over and I don't totally get it. But over the years, becoming more and more open with my decision to stay a virgin until I'm married, I think I've started to understand, a little, God's intentions for wanting us to wait, and been able to come up with my own reasons.

God doesn't want us to abstain because he's a mean, fun-hating deity who thinks it's hilarious to make the creatures he created with passions and sex-drives not have sex. His desire for our purity is for our betterment. And yes, there are the commonly known reasons: emotional baggage & scaring, the consequences that can occur within your body. But there's more. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the people who have chosen to stay virgins until marriage don’t even have that kind of mindset. There are plenty of people out there who, when asked, would probably say they don’t have sex “because it’s in the Bible”. Because it’s what God said to do. And to me, that’s a pretty empty reason to make such a huge decision. The choice to wait till you get married isn’t necessarily an easy one. Like I said in my previous post, I think a lot of people look at us and wonder what’s wrong with us? Why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with us? Completely negating the fact that it may be a choice we’ve made. So allow me to attempt to convey the way that God has reshaped my heart on remaining a virgin until marriage.

My name signed on "true love waits" a card at a conference, a purity ring my father put on my finger when I was 13, and a slightly unhealthy love for a boy I never dated are what got me through high school a virgin. Well, that, and an absolutely debilitating fear of getting pregnant. Plus, I honestly just didn’t have a whole lot of interest in letting a boy stick a part of his body in mine, thank you very much. It wasn’t until I graduated and moved away to college, where God would capture my heart and begin to reshape my view on absolutely everything, that my virginity became something I treasured. It wasn’t until then that I realized that if I could hold out even longer, I was going to get to give my husband something that not many girls my age had to offer any more. And by that, I don’t simply mean the act of having sex for the first time. When I get married, my husband is going to be the first and only person that my soul has been joined with by an act ordained by God for the marriage bed. He will be the first and only person that I will become one with. And it’s going to be awesome.

I’m waiting because sex means more to me than our society wants it to. In a place where literally everywhere you turn is another sexual innuendo, another naked woman; sex has become a tool. It’s a way to get people to buy things. It’s a way to manipulate, distort, and disguise. Here, on this earth, sex is just not a big deal. Every movie we watch is filled to the brim with it, every song we hear, and a fair amount of our conversation is laced with it as well. It's a commonality that people breathe in as easily as they do air. It has lost all meaning. But it’s more than that to me. I've waited to have sex because one day, I’m going to be someone’s wife. Someone who knows all my quirks and oddities and loves me still. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone I trust indefinitely, with absolutely every part of me. Someone who keeps my easily fleeting feet on the ground, but still pushes me to soar. A man who points me back to Jesus in every situation. Someone I love with every fiber of my being. Someone who has, and will continue to carry me through the dark and hard days with joy and love. I’ll be married to my best friend, a man I would die for and who would do the same for me. And he will be the only person I ever want to have sex with. And there will be no fear, no shame, no timidity. I'll be his wife, and he'll be my husband, and we will trust each other completely. It won't be a one night stand laced with distaste and fear and insecurity. And it won't be sex with my boyfriend [of no matter how long], with whom I've rationalized it's okay because we know we're going to marry one another or because it's just what people do. 

It'll be sex with my husband. The only man I'll ever have sex with for the rest of my life. And there will be no need to be ashamed or embarrassed, because he will love every part of me because it's a part of me. We'll work through the awkwardness together. And I won't have to worry that he's going to slip out in the night because...he's already home. And I won't have to worry that one day the love and sex will end because he's over me, because we've made a covenant before God that it's me and him forever.


So yes, I’ve waited and am waiting because it’s what my Savior asks of and desires for me. And it's what's best for my heart and my body.

But I’m also waiting because it’s what I want. 

Because I want mind-blowing sex with one man, with my best friend, with the one with whom my soul rests, for the rest of my life.

pivot's 10 questions

J and I have recently become obsessed with Inside the Actor's Studio. Like, TiVo it and watch it together at night, obsessed. It all started when the cast of Family Guy was on, and J knows me far too well, and recorded it for me because he knows how much I love Family Guy. Now it’s a regular thing. So after we watched it last night, we started talking about what our answers to the questionnaire Lipton always asks his guests at the end would be. Neither of us could come up with something on the spot, so we decided to think about it and then share our answers. I don’t get to hear his answers until tonight, but I thought I’d share mine. Feel free to comment with your answers, if the desire so takes you.

1.     What is your favorite word? 

           I’ve always been a really big fan of the word ricochet.

2.       What is your least favorite word? 

          This one’s easy. Penetration.

3.       What turns you on? 

           Someone taking charge, taking control.

4.       What turns you off? 

          Being stressed out.

5.       What sound or noise do you love? 

           J has a pretty great laugh. I think that’s my favorite.

6.       What sound or noise do you hate? 

           The sound of disappointment in someone’s voice.

7.       What is your favorite curse word? 

           Sonofabitch

8.       What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? 

          Let’s be real, I’d at least like a shot at being famous. But I’d want to be famous for being an awesome

          writer or something worthwhile. Not Kardashian style.

9.       What profession would you not like to do? 

          I’d be a terrible accountant.

10.   If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? 

         Thanks for not making me look bad. You did good, kiddo. Come on in. 

Happy Weekend, y'all!

sometimes you have to watch them crash & burn

I am a woman of many opinions. This comes as no surprise to anyone. And I like to think that most of my opinions are pretty okay ones. They weren’t always, I know that for a fact I used to give some super crappy advice (aka the old faithful “as soon as you stop looking you’ll find someone”). I think as we grow up we have to really learn how to filter our thoughts and the words we speak through Jesus and let him show us when to speak and when to shut up. There were plenty of times when I gave very well-meaning advice to a friend that probably did more harm than good because it wasn’t Jesus’ timing. But I’ve always done my best to give advice in a real-life kind of way. To use biblical references and for Jesus to always be the focal point, but to have more to say than just quoting Paul and Moses. While the Bible really is the best place to go for anything, sometimes people need to hear “I’ve been where you are, it super sucked, and this is what helped me through” more than “don’t forget, God uses all things together for his good”-even though the latter is crazy true. But I’m a firm believer in first filtering any advice you give anyone through Jesus and make sure it’s what he wants you saying in his time. It doesn’t even have to be something that takes days. Right there, in that conversation, you can let him know that what you want right now is to glorify him through your words. It’s a really cool experience when you converse with him like that and then let him speak through you, knowing that you had nothing to do with any of it. And sometimes he’s going to tell you to keep your mouth shut.


What about those times? What about those times that you’re hearing loud and clear that you need to sit back and watch someone you love run straight into a brick wall? It’s hard, especially when you feel like you could save them by simply giving your opinion. You just want to grab them and scream “I’ve done exactly what you’re about to do, and it did not end well. PLEASE hear me, walk away”. But all you can hear is the still voice of God telling you that there are bigger things at work here, so yo need to let him do his thing. And in the end, that’s what it boils down to. Faith. It comes down to trusting that he is always at work, and that sometimes, he doesn’t need you to butt in to get the job done. It’s about placing the people you love in his more than capable hands, and not always feeling like you need to pipe up about the destructive decisions they’re making. You have to choose to remember all the times that you ran into that very same brick wall and the huge lessons you learned because of it. Sometime I think I should rename Fearless “Running into Brick Walls” because it’s how I’ve learned almost every lesson I’ve ever written about. I’m a bull-in-a-china-shop kind of girl, it’s how Jesus has taught me my entire life.


The thing you have to fight after you get to that point is bitterness and judgment, because we’re human and it’s what we do. But you can fight it, and you fight it by going to battle for that person. You hit your knees and pray that maybe the wall doesn't hurt them as badly as it hurt you.  You pray for the right words to say when they come limping back and need Godly restoration. You pray for your heart while you’re watching the train wreck, that it is filled with concern and love and faith, rather than “I told you so” and “If you’d only listened to me”. I’m actually right in the midst of this right now, and even though there have been times I’d watched people I love do destructive and avoidable things, this is written while it’s fresh again. I’m watching a friend I love dearly lose herself and refuse to find her identity in Jesus. And we’ve had many a sit down about where her heart is. And Monday I finally got the answer I knew was coming, that it was time to back off. And I was aggravated. I was frustrated with her, that she was being this way about it, and I was frustrated with God, that he wouldn’t let me continue to intervene. But he’s made it very clear that my job now is to pray. And to love her. And it’s freaking hard because I’m a talker and I feel like if I could just try to explain one more time what she doesn’t see, that it would make it all better.


But God’s a better fixer than me. And he’s a better listener than me. A better guide, a better protector, and a better friend. And, unlike me, he can see the entire picture at hand. He knows that if she needs to run into that wall and come up bloodied and bruised to finally get the things he wants her to learn, then that’s exactly what’s going to happen.  So, control freak Blake over here has to let go of the reigns of someone else’s life (really? awesome.), and let God show off like he has 100 times over in my life.

awkward + awesome [& an amazing article about Lent]

awkward:

-I had this moment of revelation last night standing in line at Izzo’s with Jeremy of just how awkward the two of us are together. We are incapable of standing still, not pushing and nudging one another, and the best/worst part is how ridiculously hysterical we both think we are. So we are that couple that’s cracking up at one another and ourselves and acting like 11 year olds. I apologize in advance if you ever have to be around us.

-Coming  back to work after a day and a half off in the middle of your week. As glorious as it was to be off yesterday, coming back felt really weird and awkward today.  Oh not to mention that I walked in to a pile of things that had gone wrong in my absence. Yay!

-I need to quickly learn the lesson that trying to grab something out of the back door of our house (that faces the front of someone else’s house) in my underwear is never going to go well. I’m not invisible, nor do I move at the speed of light. 

-How super gross my hair was when I woke up this morning. And I showered last night. Apparently I still have the hair washing abilities of a 6 year old (you know, when you used to get out of the bath and still have suds everywhere). Needless to say, the hair’s in a high bun today.

-My family and I went to the precious little Covington Mardi Gras parade yesterday, and it was the only one I attended the entire festival season. So I might have gotten a little (read: embarrassingly) excited when it started. And then my alma mater’s band walked by and I got all misty and couldn’t stop saying “I’m so proud” over and over. My dad and sister just sat there and laughed at me. I’ll be here all week, people!

-How squealy and screechy I get if there’s a puppy in a 10 foot vicinity of me.  It’s out of control.

awesome:  

-Hanging out with a friend of J’s, and him asking “you’re the one with the popular blog, right?” Um, I don’t know? Is that me? Little by little people are starting to identify me by Fearless, and in the most humble way possible, it’s so uplifting and encouraging.

-Andy Davis. At the Varsity. March 2^nd. I haven’t missed a concert of his in LA in about 6 years. Don’t know who Andy Davis is? You poor thing, here you go.

-I’ve decided I enjoy weekends with very little planned much more than weekends jam packed with events and plans. Not to say that I don’t enjoy spending time with loved ones, because I do. But knowing that I get to lay on the couch with J on a Saturday and make him watch every Tyler Perry movie in the marathon that’s on just warms my heart. Do I get to claim the title “maw maw” yet?

-Matt Wertz, Andy Davis, Michael Buble,  Matt Kearney, and Dave Barnes hanging out with me all day at work. Thank goodness for a job that allows me to wear a headphone.

-The fact that today feels like a Monday but is in fact Wednesday. Thank you Mardi Gras holiday.

-This actually fits under the “awesome” category, but I want to make sure you read it, so I’m going to skip a line here. K? Anyway. It’s Ash Wednesday, and my facebook feed is full of what people are giving up for Lent. In fact, J and I just talked Sunday about giving up fast food (gasp!). But amidst all the promises of abstaining for the next 40 days was this article by Landon Whitsitt (writer, speaker, theologian, and artist), titled “Giving upchocolate and beer for Lent is not what Jesus had in mind”. And it’s awesome. Totally reframed my view of the next 40 days leading up to the celebration of the resurrection of Christ. I really think you should read it and see how you view Lent afterwards. 

an open letter to God

Father,

This woman I see when I look in the mirror is near unrecognizable now. Every day I look a little less like this flesh I'm so absorbed in, a little more like the saint you want be to be. Holiness has never been an active word in my vocabulary, never something I was striving for. Always one to toe the lie, ride the fence, able to rationalize everything, and say no to nothing. My entire life has consisted of seeing how far I could go and still be saved. Running away from you, but always looking over my shoulder to make sure you were still there. Every person I've ever come in contact with who was consumed by You kind of freaked me out, if we're being honest here. I considered them out of touch, naive, & outsiders. But I was wrong. I was the out of touch, naive one to think that I could keep you at arms length and still call you Daddy. Thinking that I could forever ride the fence the sits between child of Christ and everyone else. You have to pick a side at some point, no one can serve both You and man. Those who choose that existence, who choose to stay lukewarm about You and who You are are completely missing out on everything You have to offer.

I've never let You this far in before, and now I don't want You anywhere but every where. You overtake every crevice, every break, every part of my life. You are, quite literally, the air I breathe. Every morning I breathe in Your grace, and all I want to do is breathe out Your praise. Every second I breathe in Your freedom and breathe out Your anthem. You consume every part, every cell, every thought, it is all You. And I have moments when I'm terrified, Father. When the idea of putting all else aside and truly pursing holiness just scares the crap out of me. Maybe I'm afraid people will think I'm in genuine or disconnected. It's also probably because that kind of life is the unknown to me, and I'm a control freak, so the unknown really doesn't sit well with me. But in those moments I choose to hold on to the fact that you are so faithful, and you have never done anything but provide and carry me through. In those moments I choose to be a Proverbs 31 woman, who is clothed in strength and dignity, one who laughs without any fear of the future.

How have I lived my whole 23 years outside of this? This is all too much for just me, there are others who need to know. Brothers, sisters, lovers, haters. The good and the bad, sinners and saints, who should hear what You've told me; who should see what You've shown me, who should taste what You gave me, who should feel how You forgave me. For to be known is to be loved; and to be loved is to be known.

And they all need this, too.
We all do.
Need it for our own.

So I will stand on any mountain you give me, and I will proclaim your truths. And whether that mountain is my job, or my social interactions, I will use every single one of those to bring glory to You. Because in the end, I just want to look like You.

Love you. So much. Thank you.
Blake

[200th post. Pretty crazy.]

one question

oh Friday. I kind of thought you'd never get here! So looking forward to a weekend filled with friends and relaxation (and crawfishies! Yipee!) 

But first, I have a question. This week in our community group, the "ice breaker" was 

If you could ask Jesus one question, what would it be?

After we got over the initial cheesiness of it and make a couple of hilarious suggestions, some of the questions were truly poignant. I had to think about it for a while, but ended up deciding that I would ask him to reconcile Matthew 6:25-34 with all of the people starving to death around the world. That's the thing I have tend to have the most trouble wrapping my mind around. 

So, to end the week, I want to know, if you could ask Jesus one question, what would you ask him?

[footnote: Love, Lace, & Life Changes is totally up and running! So super excited to be back in the wedding business. I'm headed to Office Depot for a new planner at lunch because my schedule is busting at the seams already! Go check it out!]

a married girl's perspective

Last guest blogger today, y'all! I had one more lined up, a boy blogger! But he's in Malaysia with a broken computer, so I guess I'll let him off the hook for now. I'll share his post whenever he can get it to me. I hope y'all have enjoyed the different perspectives of love and Valentine's Day this week. You got a single girl's, a dating girl's, and now a married girl's. We'll be back to real life next week. Here you go!

Hi y’all, I’m Meagan from A Spoonful of Jenkins. Thanks to Blake for having me guest blog today for a little married point of view during Valentines! You say Valentines is over? I firmly believe in celebrating and celebrating big which means holidays are actually holiweeks. The longer the better, don’t you think? Except I shouldn’t give myself reason to eat super human amounts of chocolate all week. Just all day. 

My shiny new husband [that’s Dustin] and I are a little over sixth months into this married world which, as we were warned, brought on ginormous changes. Besides the whole living-with-a-boy and doing-previously-off-limit-adult-things [like taxes, right?], the changes have brought deep and personal realizations that have been both difficult to face as well as growth-inducing. Our pastor who married us did tell us that marriage helps you realize how naturally selfish you are. Check! He also said kids will help you realize that even more. No check. No check, yet. 

I was always extremely excited about the potential wife role. The one where everything would be neat and tidy and dinner would be hot on the stove and we’d have spontaneous picnics and I’d be ready to jump in the car and drive all night on Friday to wherever we might want to explore for the weekend.  But then I graduated and started working 8 to 5 with a traffic-packed commute all while D worked and went to class and was elected to a rather time consuming position at our church. 

I can tell you that I’ve never been too hard on myself. All of a sudden I had these underlying expectations of what my role as a wife was going to look like and how much time we were going to spend together and how many awesome grocery receipts I would have because of my awesome couponing skills [which still don’t exist]. And I would find myself crushed. Crushed because I missed Dustin when he had to work late and crushed because I forgot to wash his work clothes again. Thankfully I’m married to one of the most gracious and loving and encouraging men on the planet so I was the only one being hard on myself. 

I learned two things from this. They may be obvious, but in the likelihood that you are like me, I’ll share them anyway.  Dustin cannot be who fulfills my deep and ingrained need for satisfaction. The Lord, though He has given me this man to love and share a life with, is still jealous of my heart and my time and my thoughts. We absolutely make a better team as this new person-of-one, but what I was doing was phasing Dustin in as my ultimate satisfaction and leaving little room for the Lord. And while I think D can meet needs with the best of them, the Lord will always surpass his efforts. And the Lord will last beyond anything D can achieve. No offense to D here. Just in case if anyone doubts that I love my husband - he's awesome, and I'm borderline obsessed with him. Are we clear? 

The other big lesson here is realizing that I selfishly wanted to be the picture of the perfect wife. By trying to be that, it wasn't D's needs that I was attempting to meet. It was my own. Though I know he appreciates a hot meal and clean clothes, I prove to be much more affective when he knows I am in his corner, cheering him on, telling him I believe in him, and offering arms of relaxation and familiarity. I certainly can't do that if I'm over in the corner, curled into the fetal position, crying my eyes out over dirty socks [drama added]. 

The Lord is so good to continue to teach us, to continue to point out our selfishness, to continue to guide us through these ever-so unfamiliar roles which are becoming more familiar and more precious by the day. Now I'm realizing that some days there will be hearty meals and tidy rooms while other days will bring take out and stacks of unrelated papers and magazines and [normally expired] coupons. And I'll try my best to, whichever kind of day tomorrow turns out to be, cling to the Lord's promises, experience His fulfillment, and be able to love Him and love Dustin all the better. 

awkward + awesome wednesday

awkward:

-So, I pretty much didn’t sleep for two days. Monday & Tuesday night I went to bed at like 10, woke up at 11 and it was game over, stare at the ceiling, plead with God to help me sleep time. Last night I decided to take NyQuil and knock out at 9. I woke myself up at like 2 yelling “NO” because I was having a dream that I’d woken up and not fallen back asleep. I’m such a freak.

-My roommate made these huge awesome cupcakes for Valentine’s Day. Can I tell you how much self-control I’ve expended not eating mine for breakfast the last two days? Cupcakes, breakfast of champions, right?

-A good friend of mine had their baby shower this weekend at this beautiful, huge home. After I’d finished my delicious sugar cookie I started looking around for garbage can for my napkin. After wandering for a solid 4 minutes, I finally resigned and placed it on the counter in the kitchen. Only to turn around to the hostess who informed me the can was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. Epitome of class, right here.

-Any day that I don’t have plans after work, this is my afternoon: walk in the house, violently shake out of my clothes on the way up the stairs, throw on sweatpants and a huge t-shirt, throw my hair in a bun, snuggle in bed, and turn on Lost. If that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is.

-All these meal replacement shakes do is make me want a steak. Seriously.  I’ve never craved meat before now. Guess what we’re getting for dinner tonight?

awesome:

-A boyfriend who chooses to take me out to dinner the night after Valentine’s Day because he knows how little tolerance I have for crowds. Oh how I love that man.

-Flowers. Don’t you just love flowers? I turned over to turn my alarm off this morning and was greeted by the beautiful red roses J gave me yesterday, and suddenly had the hugest grin on my face. Girls. Right?

-Our good friends’ baby does this thing when he sees me or I hold him where he puts his hand on my face and just coos. His mom and I are convinced it’s baby talk for “I love you”, and it’s my favorite thing ever.

-I sat in the back of church this week rather than our normal spot up front, and it was so cool to watch the movement of the crowd during worship. I just loved watching people swaying and bouncing and raising their hands in praise of our Father. It was crazy encouraging to me, for some reason.

-Matt Nathanson Pandora radio. Again, you are welcome.

-I know a lot of people will disagree, but I’m kind of obsessed with the weather lately. Thunder storms and cloudy skies are my favorite. I belong in Seattle, I tell you. 

different loves. same Jesus.

Falling in love feels different for every person.

That much I know. And it feels different with every person you fall in love with. I remember well the first time I loved a boy. I was 13. I was a baby, with very world-dictated definitions of love. But I loved him deeply & fully for 7 whole years. We never dated. Never, ever ventured past the boundaries of friendship. Chalk that up to never-in-sync timing and the omniscient hand of God. But when I was 16, he sat in the grass with me as I cried about him & how confused I was, and he wouldn't let me out of his sight until I stopped. Falling in love with him took time, and it was young and sweet and naive. Falling out of love with him took time too. Years. But to this day I am thankful for the man he was and is, because I truly believe God used him to protect my heart from the breaks and bruises a teenage heart too often endures.

I fell in love with someone who loved me back when I was 20. I loved him despite all odds. It took some time for me to identify it as love, because it looked so different than any love I'd ever known. This love would quickly become all-consuming. It would have more ups and downs than a Nicholas Sparks novel. It was fiery and passionate and hard. But it was love. I fell in love with him blindly, as did he with me. We put the world aside and let each other be enough. We also fell in love selfishly, taking from one another things that weren't really ours to give, both physically and emotionally. And even when our love turned cold, we spent a fair amount of time attempting to rekindle it. It's such a hard thing to do, to acknowledge that a love you put so much into has died. But God was there. Every step. Every high moment and every stumble. Even when I was screaming at him to let me hear him, but didn't, he was there.

Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Falling in love with J was instant. There was just something about him and the ease with which we spent the 6 hours that spanned our first date talking and laughing and learning about one another. The way that, without ever having to say it, I knew that I was always going to come second in his life. Never lower than that, but always below Jesus. I don't even remember falling in love with him, I just was. I can't pinpoint the moment or place it happened, it feels like it's always been a part of me. But there are things about loving J that make it unlike any love I've ever known. It's the fact that, through the way he loves me, I better understand the way Christ loves each of his children. It's how his love pushes me to love others better and more deeply. It's how at my absolute most miserably-mean worst, he doesn't treat me like I have the plague. I would sacrifice anything to ensure that he would be happy for the rest of his life. He keeps my easily-fleeting feet on the ground, but pushes me to be more me everyday. Most of all, it's how our love and our relationship is absolutely saturated by Jesus and his presence. While the hand of God has been visible in every moment of my life, it is here, in my love for and with J, that I see him most clearly and purely.

I've only loved three men in my life. And each one is it's own individual story that I refuse to regret. Everyone has a story, a past love, a heartbreak. I think when we get to the point when we stop looking back on them with cold hearts and pointing fingers, we release ourselves of pain that no one should be carrying around. When we can look back and choose to find the hand of God in it, we should be able to do nothing but praise him. And maybe so-and-so was a total jerk, and maybe he did hurt you deeply, but he'll always be a part of your story. Why not take control of that and tell it the way you want it told? I never want to look back on past loves with hurt and bitterness again. I want to be thankful for his always evident hand in the stories of my past. I only want to look forward, to the future that was handwritten by the Author of Time.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 

-1 John 4:8

Happy Valentine's Day guys. 

all the single ladies

Hey y’all I’m Carmen from This Lovely Life, where I blog about my love for Christ, my daily inspiration, and my weird 22-year-old perspective on life. I’m a little awkward and annoyingly optimistic, which makes for a very interesting combo. I’d like to think that you either love me or you really love me, no hate involved over here.  I’m flattered Blake asked me to guest post and excited I get to share my single girls take on Valentines Day with y’all. Enjoy!

So February is here, which means Valentines Day is near. You know Valentines Day, the one where all the couples get to have romantic, candlelit dinners, and the single girls brood darkly in corners, eat lots of chocolate from their Mom’s, and cry about how lonely they are. That’s sort of what we’re expected to do, right? Um, no thanks.  I think it’s time for us to stop feeling pressured to be ashamed, and to make the choice to celebrate in the blessing that this time of singleness will be for us.

You hear so many married or dating women looking back on the season of their lives, when they were single with fondness and great enthusiasm, or you read books about being single and women who’ve been married for 10 years are writing them. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I always think, Were you that excited about being single back then?  Okay I’m getting a little off track but when did being single become something to be ashamed of? I’m excited that God is using me for something special right now.  I’m glad that he has written a life story for me that includes me not having to get my heart broken but saving the words “I love you” for a truly special and God-chosen man. God has something wonderful planned for each of us. He knows the desires of our hearts and is a good and wonderful God. As long as us women, single, dating, or married, keep complaining about the place we’re at, we are probably not going to get the thing we most desire. Just like the Israelites.  The more they whined the longer God kept them in the desert.

There are lies that I used to believe about being single. Lies that Satan wanted to grow and lies he uses the world to reinforce as “truths”. He would rather me believe that deep down inside, there is something wrong with me, and that’s the reason why I’m still single. He wants us to believe that God is punishing us for not being ready, and that we have to “fix ourselves” then God will bring us our husbands. He wants us to question our uniqueness and our lovability. These ideas can so easily become the tapes we replay over and over in our heads. We so easily believe these lies so that finding a relationship to show that we aren’t some weird, anti-social miss-fits becomes a necessity. We forget that we already have a love, someone who laid down His life for us, and will truly love us “for better or worse”. Satan knows that right now, as single women, we are called to be the bride of Christ, his one and only. That we can have a season in our life where God pursues us with love and passion and delights in us. It is a unique time where we can truly, 100% be his bride. He does not want this to happen. He wants us to yearn for the love we don’t have, instead of appreciate and be absorbed by the eternal, glorious, perfect love of Christ.

I urge you not to rush God in what he has planned for you, and if you haven’t, to start trusting in his timing.  Look to him to have your needs met, not to another person. I pray that you take this valuable time and allow God to use you, so that when the time does come to say those vows you can keep them.  Our true joy should not come from men, but from glorifying the Lord and serving others. I’m not denying that it is hard to live in a world that promotes the exact same values as the ones we’re supposed to uphold. But I just want to encourage you not to give in, you will be thoroughly blessed because of your wait. I pray that God gives you a vision and purpose for whatever season you’re growing through. That you will be able to walk with confidence and a peace that only He can provide. Stop listening to the voice of fear in your heart, and start being confident in our protector, remember that we are provided for, and that God has got it covered.

So go ahead, celebrate Valentines Day!!! Put on your party dress, something pink and sparkly, grab a friend and celebrate that you have a God who’s every move is rooted and established in love!!

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; 
   there is no flaw in you.

-Song of Solomon 4:7

#followfriday

Happy Friday, guys! I feel like this week flew by! I know that I got my customary 2 "serious" posts in this week, but it certainly didn't feel like enough. I have so much to share with you guys that I have about 6 different posts in the works simultaneously. I'm hoping to get some time this weekend to sit down and really get my thoughts straight and figure out what the Lord's trying to say through me. Exciting times, both in my real life and in blog life right now! Thanks for staying around as I get my scatterbrained-ness together. I promise not to leave you hanging anymore :) 

But in the mean time, I wanted to share some blogs that I think you guys should read. If you don't have Google Reader, sign up for it now. It's the only way I keep the upwards of 150 blogs I read in order. So in honor of the Twitter tradition of #followfriday, I present the blogs Fearless recommends!

These are the women who inspire me, who talk about real things and issues and aren't afraid of the backlash. They're the blogs that Fearless strives to be like.

• Everyday Awe
• Rachel Held Evans
• Good Women Project
• Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary
• God's Odds

I don't pretend to be a style blogger (tried it once. failed epically.), but I do get a lot of my inspiration from these lovely ladies. 

• Gal Meets Glam
• The Daybook
• Frills 4 Thrills
• The Closet Diaries

Okay. There it is. This is barely even a taste of the blogs that I follow, so if you're interested in all of those, you can go here. Last but not least, I wanted to give you a chance to follow me! 

Twitter & Pinterest

And as you know, there's your friendly little blue button up there on the left if you want to subscribe to Fearless. Next week is going to be exciting. I have some awesome-sauce guest bloggers lined up for Valentine's Day week. 

Happy Friday!
[ps. can you tell how obsessed I am with this color palette at the moment?]

Today I'm embracing the fact that I don't feel the push to write. I expect this will happen here and there. Hope that's okay with everyone. 

You should head over to Everyday Awe & read the blog post that kicked me in the face. Allow it to kick you in yours.
"Learning to Let Go of My Emotional Suitcase"

I love you guys. For realsies.

the return of the awkward

awkward:
-Let's take a moment and really soak in the new awkward+awesome picture. That mullet. Those glasses. The sequins. Oh, and the clarinet. Literally, the epitome of awkward+awesome.
-Coming to a complete stop at a green light. And then slapping your forehead in perfect "doh" fashion, causing the person stopped at an actual red light to crack up laughing. This brain, you guys.
-How bad I want, no...need, a puppy. I just need something to love and depend on me! Is that really too much to ask?! (cough...J....cough).
-Houston, we have another TV obsession. How am I starting Lost 8 years late?! But I'm so absorbed, I come home from work, change into comfy clothes, and climb in bed to hang out with Jack. Aren't you guys so excited to hear about THAT for the next couple of months?
-Losing my pinterest. This may sound trivial to some, but finding out I was locked out of this amazing empire I had built, with no way to get back in, was devastating. Disproportionately so. The words "my entire wedding is on there!!!" came out of my mouth. And no, not engaged. I gave it a week, mourned the loss, and finally manned up and created a new account yesterday. Awkward part? Going through the boards of my old account and repinning everything like a total crazy person. Yeah. Follow my new one here!

awesome:
-Obviously, the first thing that goes here is all the incredible support I've gotten over the last week. When I say overwhelmed, I don't know if you can fully understand the extent of it. Thank you. Each of you. You keep me running.
-Walking the lakes with the best friend and running into friends from church. While that's awesome on it's own, the best part is that the friends said to each other "that girl is really animated like Blake", only to find out it was, in fact, me.
-Isn't second day hair like...the best thing ever? I love it so much more than first day hair. It just falls so much better and prettier.
-Being back in the wedding business! I really let myself forget how much I love it. But being back and already working with 3 brides just makes my heart so happy. I'm so thankful that I get to have a side job that's my passion!

quit caring

Real talk: it's possible to care too much. I know, because I've perfect the art of it in my 23 years. If "caring" for you equals unnecessary stress, wondering what complete strangers think of you, allowing one person's words to ruin your day, or another's sideways glance to make you question who you are-you care too much. I believe my personal struggle generates from the strong people-pleasing strand in my DNA that also causes me to be a good friend, a faithful girlfriend, and an exceptionally hard worker. But it also makes me a basket case. It causes all the muscles in my neck to spaz out and give me unbearable headaches. It causes me to completely abandon who I truly am for who I think people want me to be. It makes me stare into space and lose touch with reality because I just don't know how to function in this state anymore. Caring too much what people think is a life-ruiner. And the worst part is that it's a life-ruiner that you choose, daily. You wake up in the morning, and even though it may be habit by this point, you decide to be completely consumed all day by what the people around you may or may not think of you. You choose to put out of your mind all the awesome God given truths that bear freedom from that kind of pain and bondage and choose to live this way.

I've always known I tended to kind of care a little more than most people, but I always chalked it up to the fact that I'm just an empathetic individual. I knew I was a sensitive soul, that I deeply cared about everyone and what everyone thought, and I just wanted everyone to be happy and to like me. Last week was a kick in the face with this crap. I learned swiftly and painfully just how much power I'd handed over to people in my life that quite honestly didn't deserve to have it. Because realistically, there should be a handful of people in your life with the power to ruin your day. A handful. My father (pretty much the best analogy maker ever, it's where I learned it) equates it to a dart board. There should only be a few people in your "bulls eye" (for me, my parents, J, and a couple of close girlfriends). Those are the people whose opinions really matter, the ones with the access to your life to speak painful truth when you're not exactly looking the way Jesus does. Those are the people who do life with you, who love you dearly, and whose words are always meant to build you up. Outside of that bulls eye, the level of power should begin to diminish. I read a quote the other day that said "As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends, and more important to have real ones." This has never rung more true in my life than it does now.

It takes training, not trying, to learn how to live free of those chains. I literally have started practicing being myself and living my life without being consumed by worry about what the people around me might be thinking (& how self-focused am I that I think everyone has an opinion about me?? geez.) My best friend and I were talking about this last night, and she referred to it as "bouncing your brain". It's a practice that our youth group used to teach the guys about avoiding lust, but I think it's applicable in every struggle of life. You have to bounce off of worry and people-pleasing, and focus it back on Jesus, and that you're pleasing him. There are going to be people who come after you about things in the name of Jesus that don't sound like him. That's why every thing that you do has to be filtered through him and his will for your life, so that when those people come around, the bounce is easy.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." -Galatians 1:10

BA-BOOM. Is the way you're living your life pleasing to Christ? Then be who he created you be, regardless of what any other person thinks. So yes, I tend to skip a little when I walk and be a little more animated and excited than the average human being. And yep, I blog about things that might make people squirm in their seats a little sometimes. But this is the life Christ has called me to for now. So, if you struggle with allowing the opinions of others to have far too much power in your life, I hope this hits home for you. I hope you can take the words I've shared and spend some time talking to God about them. Because if I want anything, it's freedom for each of you. And sometimes you need a wake-up call to realize how you've been living, you know? I just hope this pushes you to give certain people less power, to really appreciate the people who truly love you, and to bounce your brain off of what every-stinkin-person thinks. 

don't call it a comeback

A week doesn't seem like very long, but to me it felt like a lifetime. From the get-go it became very evident to me that God's pull to take a break wasn't about the blog itself, but was about some things he and I needed to work out. I can see clearly in hindsight that while yes, some of the things said were really hurtful, that God was simply using them as a catalyst for greater things. In the end, it came down to the fact that God had/has some huge things to break in me, and he wanted some time just the two of us. I don't think that that means that this blog causes me to not spend enough time with God, but just that the things he wanted to teach me were really  big and precious, and he just wanted me to spend this sweet time with him and him alone. And it was so good. God did more in my life in the 24 hours between Monday morning and Tuesday morning than I've felt him do in over a year. You see, as I've said before, God and I rarely work things a little at a time. It's big, huge things all at once, which typically leaves me exhausted but filled with so much peace. There were multiple times this week where I got all "okay God, I'm ready to sit down and pound out what you've taught me and share this, k?! Yeah? Can I, can I, can I?" and he'd say no. Or I'd push it and actually sit down in front of the computer to write and the words just wouldn't come. I finally chilled out around Thursday and gave up and gave in. He kept making it abundantly clear that this hiatus needed to happen. So don't think I didn't miss it :)

And while I missed it, those moments of wanting to jump the gun were intermixed with moments of kind of wondering if I ever wanted to come back at all...After having it all kind of slammed down my throat, I could feel tightness in my chest sometimes when I thought about being transparent again. I thought about the people who I knew took issue with this blog, and just felt so scattered and desperate to make them like me. But the pressure's good for you. Those were moments where when I'd taken my eye off my Savior and his purpose for me. The last week has been so chock full of confirmation and uplifting messages from people who read the  blog. And I want each of you to know how much God spoke through you. In my moment of darkness, you chose to step forward and be light. I can't thank you enough. Receiving emails from people who simply stumbled upon my blog saying I've changed their life? Me? Little me? I kept taking every message I got to God and asking him to filter it and keep me humble. And every time I felt like I could hear his voice telling me that that was him talking. You guys really have no idea how thankful I am for you.

So. What doesn't kill you makes a fighter. It's the best cliche in the book, because it's true. Even when it feels like it's about to kill you, it just makes you stronger. I have a lot to share over the next few posts,  a lot of things God has shown me and taught me. It's about life, about caring less what others think and giving them the appropriate amount of power. It's about letting go. It's about moving forward from a life that God no longer wants you in. It's about how quickly and easily we forget that we have an enemy that is actively fighting against us. It's about the fact that truthfully, what doesn't kill you makes you so much stronger. I had moments in the last week where I was so ready to give up. I kept looking at this mountain in front of me of things that God was pushing me to tackle, things about myself that I was sure would be a part of me forever, and asking him to just let me give up. And sometimes I did give up. But every time, after I got over my pity party, he was there to pick me up and carry me forward. He kept reminding me of the enemy that I so easily forget about that wanted nothing more than for me to wave the white flag. One reader said in her email, "I hope you never quit blogging-because that will be the day the devil is happy." And it was like a fiery arrow that stuck straight in my heart and reignited a flame that I'd let go out. I know without a doubt that this is what God has called me to, at least for now. I don't have any plans of backing down.

I'm here, stronger than before. I'm so super pumped about sharing the work God has done in me in the past week. I want to leave you with a video that a friend sent me as encouragement last Monday. It's a Tim Tebow commercial. And even though I spend most of Monday on the brink of tears anyway, this video is what broke the floodgates. As soon as it was over, as soon as Tim uttered those last words, I heard Jesus speak into my heart "you. that needs to be you." And the pieces of me that were bruised and broken instantly started to feel stronger. I hope it leaves you feeling encouraged as well.