365 days

 

A year ago today, I sat in a truck in a driveway and listened to the boy I loved tell me it was over. I already knew it had been over for a long time, but hearing it out loud is just a whole different ballgame.

A year ago today, I got in my car and cried my way from Baton Rouge to Covington, where I sat on my parents' front porch and answered phone call after phone call of friends, calling to check on me. Each one with the same amount of relief and thankfulness in their voice, but each with the grace not to say it out loud just yet.

A year ago today, I decided I wanted to be single for a very, very long time. I knew that I was already overwhelmingly healed, because God had been preparing my heart for a while already, but I just didn't even want to get tangled up in someone's mess again. I wanted time to just be me. I was wrong. Little did I know, someone who makes me more me than I've ever been was waiting right around the corner.

A year ago today, God opened more doors in my life than he ever had before. Suddenly, my life had so much potential it made my head swim. And even though one huge door had just slammed in my face, I didn't even have time to look at it. All these doors in my life swung open, just begging me to walk through one of them. In a split second, I regained so much of myself I kind of didn't know what to do. I regained the ability to be the woman I knew I wanted to be, and who God wanted me to be. I wasn't stuck anymore. And in that moment that should have been completely consumed by fear and pain, all I felt was hope. Hope for my future. And hope for others'.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was meant to walk through this for a reason. God pretty quickly showed me that all the pain and fights and confusion were for a purpose. That down the road, I'd be holding hands with some girl who was talking about her relationship and all the things that she feels, and I'd be able to say "I totally understand how you feel", and not be fibbing.

God really does have the power to change any situation. Any person. He really does have the power to take crap situations that you don't understand, that you wish would change, and turn them around for his glory. He does it every day. And that's my point in sharing this. That if you're in a situation that feels hopeless, it's not. That if the words "never" and "always" are a big part of your vocabulary right now, they won't be for long. Every time passes. God's hand is everywhere. And I know all of this sounds really "Christian talk" and cliche, but it's popular because of the truth it holds.

A year ago today I thought my life as I knew it was ending. Little did I know it had just begun.

live simply. love extravagantly.

If you let it, a week in the mountains can do a lot. If you're open to it, it can make a lot of room for God to move and reshape and heal and breakdown. I walk away from my week in the Smokies desperate for one thing.

Simplicity.

I want to live simply. I want to live without unhealthy ties to this world. I want to live with the outlook that I only get to do this life once, why spend it stressed out & bogged down? I want simplicity to spider out and touch every aspect of my life. I want it to root itself in my relationships so that all they're about is loving extravagantly and serving one other. I want it to eradicate all comparison and jealousy and bitterness, completely simplifying my bonds to people down to the way Jesus wanted them to look. I want to take stock of the people who have weathered every storm with me, and make sure they know how deeply I love them. I want to be real about the people who have been fair-weather, and not feel any bitterness because of it. But I also want to stop expending unnecessary energy on people who only instill doubt and uncertainty in my life. And I want to make sure J knows how thankful I am for him everyday, and allow simple to be a way we live our lives together.

A simple life is one in which the bad decisions of another person isn't something that ruins my day. It's a life in which I'm not bothered by what you think of me or my decisions. Being able to fully be myself with no apologies. Finally embracing the goofy, funny, free-spirited girl that's embedded in my DNA.  Not trying to impress anyone. Not doing things because I "feel like I'm supposed to". Unthreatened by other members of the female race to the point that I'm genuinely excited by their successes. Ideally, it'd start to get easier. Little by little, casting off the entanglements this world throws at us would begin to become more and more second nature. Comparing myself to every person I know would be a broken bad habit. Simplicity would take over. One of the most desperate cries of my heart right now is for a simple, unwritten life. I want to go out and do and be the person I was created to be, without believing the lies the world is whispering in my ear at every turn.

I wish this was going to be easy as pie. I wish there was a flippable switch that when turned made your life simple and basic.  I don't think it really works that way, unfortunately. And because I work well with lists and goals, Ive made a short [yet slightly daunting] list of things that I'm striving to do and not do, that thus far have begun simplifying my life. I know lists translate to "legalism" for some people, but I tend to swing about as far from legalistic as you can get and still get into heaven [joke]. I figured I'd share, maybe someone will adopt it and benefit as well.

•Use Facebook & twitter less. I don't feel a need to quit completely, but being all up in everyone else's business doesn't exactly scream simple. Backing off my involvement in other peoples' opinions and drama gives me way more time to actually be present in the life that's flashing by.

•Get to know yourself. We're so caught up in the hustle & bustle, a lot of us never get to really know our own hearts. And it's hard to love someone you don't know. Spend some downtime searching your heart with God.

•Stop. Comparing. This is a huge one for me. I'm terrible about wishing I was someone other than myself, whether it be a celebrity or a friend or whatever. I'm the only person who's ever going to be me. Might as well be all in.

•Really dig in with the people who love you well. You may be one of those people with like 10 best friends. Which is awesome. Dig into them, love them, let them love you. I, on the other hand, have about 4 that I sometimes accidentally suck with because I take them for granted. The people who expend the energy to really do life with you deserve the same in return. And spending time with people who truly love and cherish you will only push you to do the same for yourself. Deepen your relationship with the ones who love you exactly where you are right now.

You may read all of this and it leaves you empty. No harm, no foul, maybe next time. But I hope at least to a degree it makes you look at your life and see places that need simplifying. That it helps you see the ways that chilling out a little bit could be of great benefit. One by one, maybe we can make this a more simple place. 

promise.

lessons on the levee

{I've been a super crappy blogger lately. I'm aware. Here and there I've felt a little guilt creep in about not only my lack of posting, but my lack of writing in general. For the most part I've been able to keep it at bay with the truth that I decided a while back that I wouldn't write just because I felt like I had to. That I'd write when it was something God placed on my heart, something that he wanted to share. And I just haven't had anything to share lately. I couldn't bring myself to half-heartedly write something just to drum up interest or not have my blog look neglected. Those are the posts that get me in trouble, because they're not God's. They're mine. So anyway, that's my kind of apology for how little I've written lately.}

On to the issue at hand. Can I just say how blessed I am, right quick? I start a new, crazy awesome job on Thursday, I just got a new car, I have parents who have supported me 100% in everything I've done, girlfriends who hold me up when I can't do it myself, and a boyfriend that I love so much it makes me feel like I might hyperventilate sometimes. But for the last couple of weeks, I have been such a brat. Such a brat. Discontent and constantly complaining and selfish as hell. My entire focus had shifted to one small thing that I had no control over, and all the good things around me had faded in its presence. I'm not exactly comfortable talking about what that thing is, so you're going to have to roll with the ambiguity. But my whole brain and thought process were consumed by thinking about how frustrated I was that I couldn't change this situation that I so desperately needed to. The bitterness that was suffocating my heart was showing up in off-handed jokes and consistently hurtful sarcasm, things that I could easily brush off as "I'm just joking" when I got called on my crap. By the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, right? Boy, does it. But I felt justified! I felt like it was totally okay that I was feeling the way that I was. Which is pretty much the scariest kind of brat, because then you're a delusional brat. At least if you're being a brat and you own it, you're making a conscious decision to be awful. If you're delusional, a swift smack to reality is usually headed your way.

I got my smack on Friday night. It actually wasn't too bad, most likely because I had started to become aware of the appalling things coming out of my mouth and hanging out in my heart and had started praying about it. But the smack still came. I mean, I needed it. Initially just overcome by guilt and disgust with myself, I laid in bed wide-eyed until about 4 AM Saturday morning, which is when I just gave up and got up. I showered, grabbed my bible and journal, and drove out to the levee. Looking back, perhaps not my brightest idea, but I find God the easiest when I'm in his creation, and I needed to get outside-stat. I kind of forgot that I was 5 AM and pitch black. Thankfully there's lamps out there. Anyway. I just sat for a long time. I sat and I argued with God. I started trying to make him get with the program and see how I was right. How my timeline and my ideas were better. How these things that I wanted were good and beneficial so why couldn't I have them right now? After a while I finally shut up. And instead of a booming voice of God condemning me and telling me how wrong I was, what I heard was a replay of the words I'd just said. And for the first time in a long time, I actually heard myself. And quickly began looking for a hole to crawl in and hide. There's nothing quite like God holding up a mirror to your heart and being faced with how ugly it's gotten. I sat on that bench on the levee for hours. For a while, just trying to gather my thoughts enough to apologize to God. And then praying to combat the guilt and ask that he help me not stay there, because no one can move forward when they're obsessed with focusing on what they did wrong rather than how to make it right. Thankful that I had my Bible, I flipped to the concordance and started reading every verse it had to offer on contentment.  "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." -Philippians 4:11. In whatever situation. This verse grabbed me because of that word, whatever. And the fuzziness that had been covering all of the good things in my life started to fade. I began to realize how much I had lost sight of, and that this whatever situation I was in, was a dang good one. My heart began to be overwhelmed by awareness and thankfulness for all of the incredible things in my life. And as I watched the sun fill up the sky over the river, the thing that I had been obsessing over and discontent with disappeared with the darkness. 

Not trusting God with your future manifests itself in discontentment. Discontentment manifest itself in bitterness. Bitterness manifests itself in bitchy comments. And it's really difficult to speak in love and grace when what's fighting to get out is rooted in thinking you're more capable than God. I thought I knew what I needed. I thought that I was ready for what I wanted, and was prideful enough to buck the lessons God was trying to teach me in a waiting period. At that point, I wasn't ready. Obviously, since I was handling it like a 6 year old stomping around in the middle of Toys R Us. There were lessons to be learned, strongholds to be broken, and a sassy mouth to be reigned in. I use the word "were" loosely,  because those are all lessons I'm sure I'll learn for the rest of my life.

"What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?' -Isaiah 45:9

I'd rather be a thankful, malleable pile of clay, then a back-talking, ungrateful pot. I'd rather live my life resting in the truth that God really does have this than stressed out trying to get it done on my own. I know that I'm probably going to fight this battle everyday for the rest of my life. The battle of thinking I can do it better and having to relinquish control. But I'd rather fight that battle everyday than live thinking I can do it alone. 

you know the drill.

awkward:
-Me. All week last week. I seriously lost all ability to function in social settings. Like, staring into space and doing that awkward "heh heh" laugh when I didn't really hear what people said. So bad. It comes in waves.
-Asking the woman, dressed in all black, standing at the bar of a restaurant, if I seat myself or just wait [maybe a little annoyed because she's ignoring me]. Said woman proceeds to look at me like I'm nuts and look at the actual waitress who's walking around the corner. Ugh.
-I started running again last week. Really, I could leave it at that and it'd be the best part of this week's awkward category. But for me, the most awkward part is coming in the front door and collapsing on the living room floor. And the fact that I'm still red in the face 45 minutes and a shower later. So sexy, y'all.
-The hardest part of my day at this point is not looking at every issue and answering every questions with either "I barely even work here anymore" or "I don't care". But I promised myself I'd finish strong.
-I'm THIS close to shutting  down the Lost party at my house because I can't stand to watch Michelle Rodriguez's pitiful attempts to act anymore. I just can't. She is the absolute worst.
-Also entertainment related, it's kind of starting to concern me how emotionally attached to Hunger Games' Peeta I am. Especially now that he's embodied in drool-worthy Josh Hutcherson. It's bad, y'all. Like...I'm not going to see the movie because I know my emotions can't handle it/I'm afraid I'll fall even more in love with him. Go ahead and laugh. I know my anguish is hilarious. [here's hoping J forgets to read this today.]

awesome: 
-Ok.I know I only think this weather is awesome because I don't have to be out in it. But I don't have to be out in it, so it's fun to watch through our big windows. I'm also blaring my "showtunes" playlist through my headphones and not caring about anything. All in all a good day.
-Getting stuck in traffic with J and making him answer Pivot's 10 Questions. And that turning into a game of 20 questions. I love him.
-Not counting today [because who counts today?], 3 days left at this job. That's right, I'm taking a vacation day this Friday. Best employee ever.
-I know that 9 times of out 10 there's a mushy sentence under awesome, but I'm in love, I'm in love, & I don't care who knows it! But it's really awesome to have J stand next to me while I talk about this new job venture and the places it could take me, and watch him beam with pride. And talk about how proud he is of me and how great he thinks I'll be at it. I'm seriously the luckiest.
-A weekend with no plans. After a month of being out of town every weekend, I'm really looking forward to some quality time with my own bed and the back of my eyelids.
-Putting in your 2 weeks at a job ='s not having to care about the internet rules. Hello Pinterest! I missed you!

that time i quit my job

Last week I put in my two-weeks notice at my super stable, 40-hours-a-week, 7:30-4:30 desk job. 

I already had another job in the bag, my father would've stroked out if I'd quit that irresponsibly. But lately I've enjoyed letting the focus hang on the fact that I quit. At least for a little while. Then I tell people I'd already gotten hired as an assistant manager at a local boutique. The reaction is pretty 80/20. Thankfully, the 80 is the people who have gotten crazy excited. Jump up and down, burst into tears with me, "oh my gosh you're going to be so great at that", fill my heart with joy, excited. The 20 are the people who kind of cock their head to the side and look at me like "huh?" And I can see it in their eyes before they even say a word. Do you even need a degree for that job? You graduated from college to be an assistant manager at a clothing store? Is this really what you want to do? And I know that, on the majority, their concerns are for my well-being. It's never out of spite or a desire to pop my happy bubble. They're just worried. And I get it. I'm a pretty judgmental being, so I'm aware that I'd probably judge me too. Plus, they haven't exactly given me the chance to explain. And even if I did, they probably wouldn't really hear me.

When I put up my facebook status last week, announcing my departure from my current job, I ended it with the statement sometimes you just have to take the leap. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith into something people are probably going to think is a little crazy. 

For the last 10 months, I've sat behind a desk from 7:30 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon. I've processed orders, given people quotes, and been the youngest person in the office by about 10 years. Everyday, I sat at this desk and did my best to qualm the feeling rising up that I was capable of so much more than this. That there was no way I was meant to sit behind a desk for the rest of my life. But every time I prayed about it, every time I walked straight into my house and fell into my bed in tears over the hopelessness I felt, God told me to stay. Every job opportunity that opened up fell through. No one was hiring, and I honestly wasn't even sure what I was looking for. For 10 months, he told me that I was right where he wanted me, to stay put. And sometimes I was super pissed with him for it. I was so stuck I couldn't move. And then a friend came to me with this job. 

I wanted it so bad I could feel the cells in my body vibrating from excitement. The potential within this company is unending! I'd get to be around people and pretty things all day! No pay cut? Ok! So I emailed in my resume and cover letter, and waited. Actually, I sent the email, and immediately picked up my phone and headphones, walked outside, stuck in Bethany Dillion's CD, and prayed. I sat outside the back of my office, listened to her voice, and I prayed. I told God how much I wanted this job. I told him about how it just felt like a good fit, that I thought I could thrive in this environment. I explained about the doors it opened and the potential for me to end up doing something I really love. I told him very intentionally that I wanted this job. But I also told him that if this wasn't it, I would wait. I promised him that if this wasn't the job he wanted for me, that I'd be okay with it. That I'd continue working where I was with a smile on my face. Then I just sat. Slowly, my cells stopped vibrating. I was still excited, but I was more peaceful than anything. I still wanted it, but I wanted Him more. Then the music cut off. I looked down to see an unfamiliar number calling. I answered to a request for an interview. I interviewed on a Tuesday, had my second interview the next Monday, and got the call that I'd gotten the job that night. My first day is next Wednesday. 

I'm so thankful to be walking into a new season with the reassurance that I handed this over to God first. Handing it all over to Him gave me the ability to jump. If I'd spent all my time worrying about what people would think of a college grad working in retail, or stressing about whether I thought this was the best move, there's a possibility I would've missed the opportunity to leap. It seems silly, but this is all a little scary. It's the unknown, and we humans aren't usually huge fans of the unknown. And I know that I'm not talking about a move to a foreign country or some other huge life event, but this is big in my life. And this is my blog, so..yeah. 

I have some really big dreams for my life. Ones that for now, I'm choosing to hold pretty close to my chest. They are precious dreams that are between me and God. I find a lot of beauty in that. I find a lot of closeness with him in that. I'm sure one day he'll push me to share them with you, and when that time comes, then I will. But for the time being, I'll share the small steps towards them. 

There's a whole big world out there. I hope you're out there chasing a dream. 

things i suck at [part I]

Well this should be a fun series, right? Who doesn't love splashing all their inadequacies on these here internets? The full name of that should be "things i suck at, but am actively trying to be better about". I actually kept this first installation of this series in drafts for a couple of months, looking at it here and there, but always ending up leaving it alone and unpublished. But God kept bringing me back to it. He kept pushing me to talk about the things that I, personally, struggle with on a day-to-day basis. These are the things that I struggle with, and convince myself that I am the only person on the planet who does. Which I know to be wholly and completely untrue, but that doesn't always make the feeling go away, now does it? This is, unfortunately, a series that I could probably write on for posts on end, but I don't ever want this to cross the line from transparency and honesty to self-crucifixion. Plus I don't want to bore you.

things i suck at [part I]: saying what i feel, and not what i think people want to hear
If you've ever read this blog before, you're aware that I am what they call a "people pleaser" to my core. This usually raises its ugly head in awkward or tense situations, not when my friend asks me if her jeans make her butt look big [in that case, I tend to be the honest friend]. But when there is potential for disappointment or strife, my brain is now trained to figure out what a person want me to say at lightening speed and spit it out like clock-work. Which has landed me in some fairly sticky situations. It's had me saying yes to things that I desperately wanted [and needed] to say no to. It's forced me to do something even more awkward than saying no in the first place, and back out after the fact. It's turned me into a doormat in multiple situations. But most of all, and most embarrassing of all, it's kept me from sharing my love for Jesus the way I know I'm capable of. If the situation at hand calls for me to point to the Bible or God about an issue, but I feel as though the person will be unresponsive or "weirded out", odds are I'm probably going to give them some real world mumbo-jumbo and call it a day. [ugh, this is SO MUCH FUN, sharing all this. right?!]

But as I've fallen more in love with God than ever over the course of this year, this is one of the things he's began to chip at. I loved it when Tim Tebow was recently quoted saying "If you're married, and you have a wife, and you really love your wife, is it good enough to only say to your wife 'I love her' the day you get married? Or should you tell her every single day when you wake up and every opportunity? And that's how I feel about my relationship with Jesus Christ, is that it is the most important thing in my life. So any time I get an opportunity to tell him that I love him or given an opportunity to shout him out on national TV, I'm gonna take that opportunity." The baby steps for this have been working at the root of the issue, working at my inability to speak truth when I feel as though it will offend or make someone uncomfortable. Through walking hand-in-hand with God about this, and admitting that I can't just do it on my own, I've found myself saying no more! I've found myself taking care of myself and not succumbing to the debilitating fear that someone will disapprove. And the most cool part, God and his word just kind of come out of my mouth unprovoked. Because I don't want him anywhere but everywhere, he's in everything I say, even if his name isn't. I find myself less concerned with if someone's going to label me a Bible beater, and more worried about giving half-assed, worldly advice. In the same way, I'm finding it more important to give real, honest answers to things, than half-hearted, contrived ones. And while it's awkward [I just told someone no and kind of thought I might throw up after], it's good. It's difficult and against my nature, but it's good.

I'm sure I'll end every part of this series this way, with a loud & proud oh ma gah, I so have not even put a dent in this and still totally suck at it, because it's true. But my hope, and the whole purpose of putting this "out there", is that if someone who reads this struggles the same way, they realize they aren't the only one. And that there really is hope. Everyday, God is remodeling me. Taking out things I was certain would be a part of me forever, and breaking them down. I'm just along for the ride at this point.

"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him."

-Romans 6:8

it was a really awkward + awesome week...

awkward:
-I flew to and from Houston this weekend for a friend’s wedding, in the worst weather Houston’s seen in months. Flight’s delayed all over the place. 3 hour delay getting out of Houston. So much potential for awkward. Like sitting in a terminal restaurant by myself. Or attempting to curl up small enough to sleep in a chair. Or actually falling asleep and waking myself up by slamming my head into the wall next to me. I’m sure I was at least entertaining to watch.
-For those of you who don’t know from facebook or twitter, I quit my job yesterday. Before you panic, I have another one lined up, as the assistant manager at Frock Candy. I’m so excited for this new adventure and all the things it brings, but is there anything more awkward than coming to work after you’ve put in your notice? I vote no. I’m committed to coming in and working just as hard as I did before, but it’s just weird. If you’ve been here, you know.
-Have you seen Lindsay Lohan lately? She's breaking my heart. I wish someone would pin her down, dye her hair back to that pretty red, take all the fillers out of her face, make her eat a burger, and quit being so crazypants. She was my favorite when I was a kid! It just makes me so sad.
-I couldn’t decide whether to put this under awkward or awesome, so let’s just call it an awkwardawesome. Come to find out, my hair hates Texas water. So while getting ready for the wedding in Houston this weekend, I get out of the shower, blow dry my hair, and start freaking out. My hair feels like it’s covered it wax, the roots look like I haven’t washed in a week, and it’s just bad. I commence complaining and whining for the next 10 minutes while my sweet friend Johnna helps me with dry shampoo and encouragement, until she’d had enough, looks at the clock, and says “are you hungry? Do we need to feed you?”. It may go down as one of the best moments of our friendship, and that’s saying a lot. I love that she knows me well enough to realize that the overreaction was due to hunger.
-Hair topic #2: what this weather is doing to my hair. Here in LA it’s about 72 degrees and muggy as heck. It’s gross. So horse-tail thick, trying-to-grow-it-out length hair is freaking out. No matter how many times & how well I wash it, it feels like it’s got too much conditioner it in and is waxy and gross. Is this happening to anyone else, or just me?!


awesome:
-Watching two people I love very much and that love each other very much become husband and wife. It just never gets old. I continue to believe there is not much more beautiful that than. Oh, and the beyond epic dance party that followed. I love my friends.
-Quitting my job. That was awesome. Well, probably only because I’ve been miserable for about 3 months and got another job lined up. But still, never been so excited to quit something in my life.
-On that note, you know what’s super awesome? Getting a call that you’ve been selected for a job that you really wanted. And the girl on the other end of the line being just as squealy and excited as you are. And your best friend sitting across from you as you try not to burst into tears doing a dance and singing a song she made up about you quitting your job.
-Have I mentioned that I am currently a bridesmaid to the 3rd power? And that I love it so much. Can I be involved in weddings forever, please?
-Staying up until 1 o’clock in the morning, crying from laughing so hard at SNL skits and TV show bloopers with two of my favorite people in the world. I kept saying over and over again, I feel like I’m in college! Oh, and being able to sleep till 10 the next day.
-Designing business cards! It’s so much fun! I’m exciting about having something tangible & creative to hand to people to further my wedding business.
-My amazing friend Tara introduced me to the Sherwin Williams Colorsnap app yesterday. Y’all. You can take a picture of ANYTHING and it tells you what paint color it is. Like I wasn’t already addicted enough to color palettes and color schemes?! It’s amazing.

you can't blame all your issues on someone else

You just can't. It’s not fair. Easy? Yes. Fair? Not even a little. There are a plethora of people you can choose to pin your issues on. “Baggage” we call it. An absent (or too present) father, a spiteful mother, all the friends who turned their backs on you, the boy (or girl) who broke your heart. They’re the reason you don’t trust anyone! It’s their fault you struggle with an unhealthy body image! Because of them that you view the whole world through the most high-tuned pair of "everything sucks" glasses ever! If it weren’t for them, you’d have it totally, unequivocally together. Right? This isn’t to say that past hurt and heartbreak don’t contribute to the things we battle today, because they most certainly do. Your best friend stabbed you in the back? Yeah, you probably aren’t super inclined to trust every person you meet. Your boyfriend continually commented on how much weight you could afford to lose? That’s not exactly a recipe for self-confidence, now is it? Your parents split up? It's pretty easy to feel like everything sucks. People leave scars on other people every day. If I was a betting girl, I’d say you’ve probably left your fair share of hurt and baggage on other people too.

You choose to let those things define you. You choose to succumb to the way the things that were done to you make you feel. You choose to let them dictate your reactions in future situations. You. Choose. I have another post in the works about not letting your emotions make you their bitch, but I’ll touch on it here. Every day you get a choice. Are you going to wake up defined by your ex-boyfriend who left all this baggage and made you the way you are, or are you going to wake up defined by the saving grace of a Savior who died so that you could live? Is the fact that things haven't always exactly gone your way going to be your identity, or is going to be that there's an almighty Creator who thinks you're pretty much the best thing he's ever made? I know that seems like a really cut-and-dry, too-simple-for-the-situation answer, but it’s the only one. Who’s in control here? You or your past? Well, really, neither. Jesus is. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want you casting all the blame for the things you “can’t control” on someone else. If I had to make a guess, I would think he wants you moving forward, daily handing over the struggles you feel like are too big, and resting in his hands. Because the reality is, on your own all that baggage, all those things that have resulting from crappy relationships or circumstances, they’re going to be a part of you forever. If you try to do it on your own, you’re going to continue to blame someone else. Thankfully we serve a God with really wide shoulders.

I did this for a really long time. I blamed my ex for all the things wrong with me. No self-confidence? His fault. No ability to function healthily in conflict? His fault. Temper problems? His fault. Struggles with lust? His fault. I lived snuggled into this lie, never once thinking that maybe it was me. I carried it all straight into my next relationship. You know what blaming all your issues on someone else makes really difficult? Fixing them. I’d venture to say it’s nearly impossible. Because when you’re viewing all these things that way, they’re not your responsibility. They’re someone else’s problem. Even though the life the issues are wrecking havoc on is yours. And probably the people closest to you, by association. I had to wake up one day and decide that I was going to grab my life by the reigns and stop letting someone who wasn’t even in my life anymore drive. Someone who didn’t even want to be driving. And certainly someone I didn’t want driving. I had to choose to face all this crap head on and deal with it. I had to decide to stop running from it and defining it as “baggage” and not taking any responsibility for it. And it was super hard. And revealing. And embarrassing at times. A lot of the stuff I had said was “his fault” for so long, was actually my fault. His presence had simply exacerbated some pre-existing problems. It wasn’t his fault that I had little to no self-confidence, that my temper flared sometimes, or that I had no desire to keep my hands to myself. My flesh and I had been having our own little party way before he entered the picture.

So I want to encourage you to stop blaming other people. Take stock of the scars others have left, and the ones you’ve left as well, and let it go. Start taking steps towards healing and freedom. Quit choosing to live under the suffocating weight of past hurts.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

-2 Corinthians 3:17

[p.s. the Spirit's everywhere. there's freedom everywhere.]

awkward + awesome gold mine

awkward:
•1/4 of the way through bible study last night, I realize something is violently jabbing me in my...excuse my frankess, but in my boob. A couple seconds later I realize it's the underwire from my bra. I slip to the bathroom, unzip my dress, fix it, and zip my dress back up, zipping a huge chunk of my hair with it. It took me a solid 5 minutes to get my hair out of the zipper.
•So I have this super cute pair of braided sandals that I love. They're about a 1/2 a size to big for me. But I wear them daily anyway. Yesterday I got up from my desk to ask my coworker something, and went flying across my department as the toe of my shoe bent under and catapulted me forward. I'm pretty sure she thought I was about to hurdle her desk.
•Shopping with a friend Saturday, we agreed to meet at Dillard's. When we left it was starting to rain, so we went our seperate ways and planned to meet at our next destination. She walked straight to her car while I wandered around a bit looking for mine. Meanwhile it starts to pour. It took me about 5 minutes of wandering to realize I had parked at the other entrance to Dillard's. Needless to say, I was damp when I arrived at lunch.
•Remember how amped I was about the Andy Davis concert last Friday? Yeah. We skipped it to go to dinner and go home and watch Swamp People. We skipped a concert by one of my favorite artists to lay on the couch and watch Swamp People. And it was my idea. Who am I?!!
•Lunges. And how stupid bad my butt hurts today. And the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm waddling.

awesome:
•Hour long fb conversations with my best friend who currently resides in China, who I miss more everyday. And the promise of getting to see her face on Skype Sunday.
•My amazing, wonderful father offering to fly me to Houston for a wedding this weekend on his points to save me the 5 hour drive. That man, I tell you. He's as good as they come.
•You should know that I have a secret [well, I guess not so secret now] obsession with Kate Middleton. I just love her. So this really made my day today.
•Corrine Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On" with the windows down on a gorgeous day driving down the interstate. That's what's awesome.
•These two are getting married Saturday, and I get to be there. Alex and I met our sophomore year and I thought she hated me. And she thought I hated her. We solved that real quick with an hour long conversation in the hall of an apartment building, discovering we were passionate about all the same things. She's since become one of my most beloved friends, was my roommate for a summer, and even when we get on each other's nerves [aka we're both really strong headed and opinionated], we always make it back to each other. And Preston's just super awesome and sweet-hearted. So thankful that I get to be there to watch them become husband and wife and dance the night away. And until then, I get to stay with that precious pup in the middle. It's going to be SnuggleFest2012 up in there.

when the going gets tough...

Something you should know about me is that I have a deep appreciation and love for clichés. You can flip through this blog’s archive and figure that out in a quick second. This one’s a favorite of my mine. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I’m not tough. I’m learning how to be tough, but I don’t think it’s a word people who know me well would use to describe me. Outsiders looking in would probably consider me very resilient and “tough”, but that’s just because they don’t get to see the weepy mess that my closest friends and family do. But I’m working on it. My skin is beginning to thicken, my resolve is growing stronger. My reaction to things is beginning to be tears less often, which is great. You can only blame allergies so many times. You see, I am an empath to the highest degree. You feel something, I feel it. Someone hurts you, they hurt me. Which makes me a pretty great friend and an overall dedicated human being, but it also makes me a bit of an emotional mess when the roller coaster starts heading down. 

 I can’t blame it all on being empathetic though. The real reason everything goes to hell when the proverbial shit hits the fan is because I freak out and completely quit trusting God with my situation. I so quickly and easily slip right into “God where are you?!?” mode and totally lose my mind. After my initial freak out I can usually regain my where abouts enough to make myself sit down and pray, but how great would it be if I could avoid that original Clark Griswold-esque meltdown? As does almost every other issue in my life, it boils down to where I’m really putting all my eggs. Are they in the me basket, or the Jesus basket? Do I think my plan’s better, or do I think God’s is? Who’s the Creator of the Universe here? Oh yeah. Not me.

I hit a bit of a “valley” in life in the last two months or so. You know when it feels like everything’s just falling down on top of you? I don’t want to go into too much detail, because as much as I love sharing life with the internet, some things are mine. But when two or three major parts of your life go to hell in a hand basket, our unfortunately human response is to just lose it. Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I didn’t get off work and bee line straight for my bed to cry it out for the next ten minutes. I’ve been tired and wired and weird. But this time around, one thing that didn’t happen was losing my faith in God and his provision. This time around, I didn’t slip into “God where are you?!?” mode. There were moments where I felt really lost and confused, but I always knew he was there. The skies haven’t necessarily cleared just yet. There are still aspects of my life that aren’t necessarily ideal just yet. Glimmers of hope are beginning to show themselves though. But the best part of it all is that my death grip on Jesus is still just as in place as it was when the roller coaster started. I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ridden out the storm and not come out the other side only holding on to myself. So yes, I’m tired. And yes, I’m ready for things to start looking up, but oh man-did God show up in the last couple of months. He showed up in my quiet times, he showed up HUGELY in my friendships, he showed up every morning and every time I was in bed crying.

I think we need to stop facing the dark times geared up to face it all by ourselves. We need to quit allowing ourselves to buy into the lie that we are the only person we can depend on. We need to grab on to Jesus with the most intense death grip possible, and ride it out with him. Because as much as most people hate to have Romans 8:28 thrown in their faces when things get rough, it’s true. The valleys, when nothing’s going right and you’re convinced he’s going to keep you here forever-those are the times he uses to level you and build you up the way he intended you. God’s been leveling me everyday lately. Everyday he’s wiping out something I was sure would be a part of me forever, and replacing it with him. The ride’s not over, but we’re both in for the long haul.

This verse has been my favorite lately. My “life motto” has become anywhere but everywhere, a shorten version of something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, that I don’t want God anywhere but everywhere. And this verse really brings it home for me. The idea of continually abiding in the house of my Father brings me so much peace and hope, especially when I relate it to how much I love the weekends I get to escape to my parents’ house. So I want to leave y’all with that, and a link to the song I’ve been listening to on repeat. Spoiler alert: it’s not a Christian song. But Corinne’s voice just soothes me, and I love the intention behind it, you’re gonna find yourself someday, somehow.

“One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent, he will lift me high upon a rock.”

-Psalm 27:4

haters truly are going to hate

This isn’t a going to be a long one, mostly because I don’t want to give “haters” the attention they crave. But with an influx of new readers from a couple of new sponsor spots, I just want to make something clear. You are so beyond welcome to leave snippy little comments or email me about how you feel about my blog until you’re blue in the face. In fact, at this point, I welcome it. I welcome it because you are writing it out, loud and clear, that the things I’ve said  struck a chord somewhere in you that made you uncomfortable. Being bluntly confronted with your sins and struggles never feels nice, and sometimes we react by lashing out. I do it too! It’s cool. Bring it on. God’s working and moving and changing lives, and that’s the only reason I’m here. And for the readers who come here and build me up and encourage me, I hope that you can face every hater you ever face with the same attitude. If you stand for something, truly, fully stand for it, people are going to come after you. They can't help themselves. My prayer for you is that you soak everything you do in prayer and Jesus, so that when they do come at you, all you have to do is point at Him. Point at Him and say 'nuff said. 

“If haters only realized how little their negative opinions matter, they may invest more energy in motivating themselves than putting down others.” –Mo Isom

Happy weekend!

playing married + why i think it's a bad idea

I'm pretty sure we all know exactly what I'm talking about. Either you're currently playing married, you've played married, you are actively fighting against playing married, or you have a friend who has played married and you've watched it go down. We've all either seen or been the couple who spends all their time together (asleep and awake), fights like they think married people are fighting, make extensively futuristic plans together, basically lives at each others' place, and are mostly likely getting as close to playing married in bed as they can without losing their V-card. Are we all on the same page? Great.

I've played married before. I played married for about two and a half years, in fact. I was the roommate who was never home, and the extra roommate a house of guys really didn't want. For all intents and purposes, he was my mental husband. I already had him nice and neatly placed in the spot reserved for whoever that will be one day in my mind. You see, that's the first thing that happens. You somehow get married in your head. Next thing you know wake up and realize you've been pretending to be a wife without a ring on your finger or a promise made. You make him your mental husband. He ceases being your boyfriend and someone who is not a guarantee, but maybe wants to be your husband one day, and he begins taking on a role that he was never intended to. And that stresses both of you out. There's way too much unnecessary pressure on the relationship.  So one day you realize you're bickering like two people who can't stand each other (partially because you kind of can't), and you don't know why. I'll tell you why. It's because you've opened a door that you weren't supposed to open yet.

We've forgotten how to date. We've forgotten how to hold any kind of emotional boundaries, and have chosen to only consider "boundaries" in a relationship things of a sexual nature. We've allowed it to become a free-for-all. And while it's no one's fault but our own, who can blame us? We just don't know any better. It's human nature to follow the leader, and we're following the lead of our favorite married couples, because that's the rational thing to do. We forget we're not married. We start sleeping over innocently enough, because it's convenient and I'm-sick-of-driving-home-at-12-oclock. We start sharing every part of us, every past-hurt and hope and dream and scar, because no one's ever told us about emotional boundaries. We start blowing off our friendships and isolating ourselves, because he's so much fun to hang out with. We start opening ourselves up physically, because it's just what comes next and we have no self-control. And before you know it, you're playing married with the pros.

And then you break up. And the healing process is about 1,000 times harder because you're playing divorced now. And he was everything to you. Everything. And nothing's really keeping him here because you weren't married. So he's free to go, no real repercussions. I've walked through this, the deepest parts of this. And the healing process was hard. We shouldn't have been that far in. Even though we'd both long since checked out of the relationship and it could have been much worse, it should've been easier. If I had fought against the desire to play married.

Because it's a fight. It's a fight to watch J leave every night and not beg him to stay over. It's a fight to not give him every little piece of me because I love him and trust him so indefinitely. Sometimes it's a fight to not hole up with him and never spend any time with anyone else because he's my favorite and I don't feel like I get enough time with him.  And yes, it's a fight to keep it in our pants. But that's what you do for love. You put your self and your desires aside, and you fight. Because in the end, choosing to not play married is one of the least selfish things you can do for each other. The reality is, until you say I do, that person you're dating isn't yours. They could very well be intended for someone else, no matter how strongly and surely you feel that they're the one for you. You could break up. Crazier things have happened. J and I could break up tomorrow. So date with that in mind, with the intention of preserving yourself and the one you're with for the person they're meant for. Because it could be you. And how awesome will that be, if you are? That you've saved yourselves for each other, and not just physically. You've saved those deep, untouched parts of your heart for each other and have the rest of your life to discover them. One of the most dangerous parts of playing married is how dang fun it is. Which gives me a little hope, because I like to think being married is pretty fun too [I refuse to buy into the "marriage is all work and no play" dialogue]. And fun things are dangerous. So this really is something you have to daily choose to fight against. But in the end, it's worth it. I only want to be married once, whether it's in my head or not.

Thoughts?

awk + awe

awkward:

-I never see my roommates. Which isn’t really that awkward, but the reason why kind of is. It’s because I’ve started going to bed at 9:00, y’all! Nine! I have become that friend that if you text her after 9:30, you’re going to get an answer the next morning. Plan accordingly.

- I would like someone to explain to me when I became such a wimp. Because I can’t remember it happening, but all the sudden I cry at/about everything. It’s completely out of control.  [i.e. I cried every single day last week. And I’m not PMSing.]

-My best friend left the country for a week. I almost forgot how to function without her to talk to everyday. When she got back on Monday I hugged her for a full 3 minutes and squeaked out that she can never leave me again. Drama queen.

-The panic I’m already feeling about bathing suit season. And not because I hate my body or anything unhealthy like that. Simply because I’m still convinced they’re never going to make a bathing suit top to contain this what’s happenin’ I’ve got up here. Cmon, y’all.  I want to be modest and cute at the same time! Help a girl out.

awesome:

-J’s sweet cousin got engaged last night to the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. I read the twitter update announcing it in the Win Dixie parking lot, and proceeded to jump around like a fool and yell “I’m so happy for them! I’m so happy for them!” for a minute straight. And I refuse to put this under awkward, because it was awesome.

- I am a part of what I have decided is the best community group known to man. I’m just so blessed to be a part of something that is continually growing and looking more like Jesus wants us to every day. It’s amazing. Does your bible study talk about biblical zombies and have the most dysfunctional bible drills ever? No. Didn’t think so.

-You know those times in your life where you feel like you just can’t hear God? You almost feel like you’re straining to hear something, anything. But all you’re getting is silence. And you’re frustrated. And then BOOM, here he comes, rocking your world loud and proud. That. That is awesome.

-I’m sponsoring over at Lauren Nicole this March. She’s one of my favorite bloggers around, and is married to another one of my favorites. Go check her blog and my pretty button out. 

sex: why i'm waiting

Remember that time I wrote that post about being a virgin and refusing to be ashamed about it? I want to talk about it again. This time, why. Why I've chosen to stay a virgin until I get married. [Let me slip in a disclaimer real quick before I get started: if you read this and you didn't wait, please don't think I'm sitting up on my big celibate throne casting judgment down on all you sex-havers. Please. Not the case. I just want to outline why I've waited for all the people who don't get it.]

And there's lots of people who don't get it. If I'm being honest, I still have moments where my flesh totally takes over and I don't totally get it. But over the years, becoming more and more open with my decision to stay a virgin until I'm married, I think I've started to understand, a little, God's intentions for wanting us to wait, and been able to come up with my own reasons.

God doesn't want us to abstain because he's a mean, fun-hating deity who thinks it's hilarious to make the creatures he created with passions and sex-drives not have sex. His desire for our purity is for our betterment. And yes, there are the commonly known reasons: emotional baggage & scaring, the consequences that can occur within your body. But there's more. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the people who have chosen to stay virgins until marriage don’t even have that kind of mindset. There are plenty of people out there who, when asked, would probably say they don’t have sex “because it’s in the Bible”. Because it’s what God said to do. And to me, that’s a pretty empty reason to make such a huge decision. The choice to wait till you get married isn’t necessarily an easy one. Like I said in my previous post, I think a lot of people look at us and wonder what’s wrong with us? Why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with us? Completely negating the fact that it may be a choice we’ve made. So allow me to attempt to convey the way that God has reshaped my heart on remaining a virgin until marriage.

My name signed on "true love waits" a card at a conference, a purity ring my father put on my finger when I was 13, and a slightly unhealthy love for a boy I never dated are what got me through high school a virgin. Well, that, and an absolutely debilitating fear of getting pregnant. Plus, I honestly just didn’t have a whole lot of interest in letting a boy stick a part of his body in mine, thank you very much. It wasn’t until I graduated and moved away to college, where God would capture my heart and begin to reshape my view on absolutely everything, that my virginity became something I treasured. It wasn’t until then that I realized that if I could hold out even longer, I was going to get to give my husband something that not many girls my age had to offer any more. And by that, I don’t simply mean the act of having sex for the first time. When I get married, my husband is going to be the first and only person that my soul has been joined with by an act ordained by God for the marriage bed. He will be the first and only person that I will become one with. And it’s going to be awesome.

I’m waiting because sex means more to me than our society wants it to. In a place where literally everywhere you turn is another sexual innuendo, another naked woman; sex has become a tool. It’s a way to get people to buy things. It’s a way to manipulate, distort, and disguise. Here, on this earth, sex is just not a big deal. Every movie we watch is filled to the brim with it, every song we hear, and a fair amount of our conversation is laced with it as well. It's a commonality that people breathe in as easily as they do air. It has lost all meaning. But it’s more than that to me. I've waited to have sex because one day, I’m going to be someone’s wife. Someone who knows all my quirks and oddities and loves me still. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone I trust indefinitely, with absolutely every part of me. Someone who keeps my easily fleeting feet on the ground, but still pushes me to soar. A man who points me back to Jesus in every situation. Someone I love with every fiber of my being. Someone who has, and will continue to carry me through the dark and hard days with joy and love. I’ll be married to my best friend, a man I would die for and who would do the same for me. And he will be the only person I ever want to have sex with. And there will be no fear, no shame, no timidity. I'll be his wife, and he'll be my husband, and we will trust each other completely. It won't be a one night stand laced with distaste and fear and insecurity. And it won't be sex with my boyfriend [of no matter how long], with whom I've rationalized it's okay because we know we're going to marry one another or because it's just what people do. 

It'll be sex with my husband. The only man I'll ever have sex with for the rest of my life. And there will be no need to be ashamed or embarrassed, because he will love every part of me because it's a part of me. We'll work through the awkwardness together. And I won't have to worry that he's going to slip out in the night because...he's already home. And I won't have to worry that one day the love and sex will end because he's over me, because we've made a covenant before God that it's me and him forever.


So yes, I’ve waited and am waiting because it’s what my Savior asks of and desires for me. And it's what's best for my heart and my body.

But I’m also waiting because it’s what I want. 

Because I want mind-blowing sex with one man, with my best friend, with the one with whom my soul rests, for the rest of my life.