live simply. love extravagantly.

If you let it, a week in the mountains can do a lot. If you're open to it, it can make a lot of room for God to move and reshape and heal and breakdown. I walk away from my week in the Smokies desperate for one thing.

Simplicity.

I want to live simply. I want to live without unhealthy ties to this world. I want to live with the outlook that I only get to do this life once, why spend it stressed out & bogged down? I want simplicity to spider out and touch every aspect of my life. I want it to root itself in my relationships so that all they're about is loving extravagantly and serving one other. I want it to eradicate all comparison and jealousy and bitterness, completely simplifying my bonds to people down to the way Jesus wanted them to look. I want to take stock of the people who have weathered every storm with me, and make sure they know how deeply I love them. I want to be real about the people who have been fair-weather, and not feel any bitterness because of it. But I also want to stop expending unnecessary energy on people who only instill doubt and uncertainty in my life. And I want to make sure J knows how thankful I am for him everyday, and allow simple to be a way we live our lives together.

A simple life is one in which the bad decisions of another person isn't something that ruins my day. It's a life in which I'm not bothered by what you think of me or my decisions. Being able to fully be myself with no apologies. Finally embracing the goofy, funny, free-spirited girl that's embedded in my DNA.  Not trying to impress anyone. Not doing things because I "feel like I'm supposed to". Unthreatened by other members of the female race to the point that I'm genuinely excited by their successes. Ideally, it'd start to get easier. Little by little, casting off the entanglements this world throws at us would begin to become more and more second nature. Comparing myself to every person I know would be a broken bad habit. Simplicity would take over. One of the most desperate cries of my heart right now is for a simple, unwritten life. I want to go out and do and be the person I was created to be, without believing the lies the world is whispering in my ear at every turn.

I wish this was going to be easy as pie. I wish there was a flippable switch that when turned made your life simple and basic.  I don't think it really works that way, unfortunately. And because I work well with lists and goals, Ive made a short [yet slightly daunting] list of things that I'm striving to do and not do, that thus far have begun simplifying my life. I know lists translate to "legalism" for some people, but I tend to swing about as far from legalistic as you can get and still get into heaven [joke]. I figured I'd share, maybe someone will adopt it and benefit as well.

•Use Facebook & twitter less. I don't feel a need to quit completely, but being all up in everyone else's business doesn't exactly scream simple. Backing off my involvement in other peoples' opinions and drama gives me way more time to actually be present in the life that's flashing by.

•Get to know yourself. We're so caught up in the hustle & bustle, a lot of us never get to really know our own hearts. And it's hard to love someone you don't know. Spend some downtime searching your heart with God.

•Stop. Comparing. This is a huge one for me. I'm terrible about wishing I was someone other than myself, whether it be a celebrity or a friend or whatever. I'm the only person who's ever going to be me. Might as well be all in.

•Really dig in with the people who love you well. You may be one of those people with like 10 best friends. Which is awesome. Dig into them, love them, let them love you. I, on the other hand, have about 4 that I sometimes accidentally suck with because I take them for granted. The people who expend the energy to really do life with you deserve the same in return. And spending time with people who truly love and cherish you will only push you to do the same for yourself. Deepen your relationship with the ones who love you exactly where you are right now.

You may read all of this and it leaves you empty. No harm, no foul, maybe next time. But I hope at least to a degree it makes you look at your life and see places that need simplifying. That it helps you see the ways that chilling out a little bit could be of great benefit. One by one, maybe we can make this a more simple place. 

lessons on the levee

{I've been a super crappy blogger lately. I'm aware. Here and there I've felt a little guilt creep in about not only my lack of posting, but my lack of writing in general. For the most part I've been able to keep it at bay with the truth that I decided a while back that I wouldn't write just because I felt like I had to. That I'd write when it was something God placed on my heart, something that he wanted to share. And I just haven't had anything to share lately. I couldn't bring myself to half-heartedly write something just to drum up interest or not have my blog look neglected. Those are the posts that get me in trouble, because they're not God's. They're mine. So anyway, that's my kind of apology for how little I've written lately.}

On to the issue at hand. Can I just say how blessed I am, right quick? I start a new, crazy awesome job on Thursday, I just got a new car, I have parents who have supported me 100% in everything I've done, girlfriends who hold me up when I can't do it myself, and a boyfriend that I love so much it makes me feel like I might hyperventilate sometimes. But for the last couple of weeks, I have been such a brat. Such a brat. Discontent and constantly complaining and selfish as hell. My entire focus had shifted to one small thing that I had no control over, and all the good things around me had faded in its presence. I'm not exactly comfortable talking about what that thing is, so you're going to have to roll with the ambiguity. But my whole brain and thought process were consumed by thinking about how frustrated I was that I couldn't change this situation that I so desperately needed to. The bitterness that was suffocating my heart was showing up in off-handed jokes and consistently hurtful sarcasm, things that I could easily brush off as "I'm just joking" when I got called on my crap. By the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, right? Boy, does it. But I felt justified! I felt like it was totally okay that I was feeling the way that I was. Which is pretty much the scariest kind of brat, because then you're a delusional brat. At least if you're being a brat and you own it, you're making a conscious decision to be awful. If you're delusional, a swift smack to reality is usually headed your way.

I got my smack on Friday night. It actually wasn't too bad, most likely because I had started to become aware of the appalling things coming out of my mouth and hanging out in my heart and had started praying about it. But the smack still came. I mean, I needed it. Initially just overcome by guilt and disgust with myself, I laid in bed wide-eyed until about 4 AM Saturday morning, which is when I just gave up and got up. I showered, grabbed my bible and journal, and drove out to the levee. Looking back, perhaps not my brightest idea, but I find God the easiest when I'm in his creation, and I needed to get outside-stat. I kind of forgot that I was 5 AM and pitch black. Thankfully there's lamps out there. Anyway. I just sat for a long time. I sat and I argued with God. I started trying to make him get with the program and see how I was right. How my timeline and my ideas were better. How these things that I wanted were good and beneficial so why couldn't I have them right now? After a while I finally shut up. And instead of a booming voice of God condemning me and telling me how wrong I was, what I heard was a replay of the words I'd just said. And for the first time in a long time, I actually heard myself. And quickly began looking for a hole to crawl in and hide. There's nothing quite like God holding up a mirror to your heart and being faced with how ugly it's gotten. I sat on that bench on the levee for hours. For a while, just trying to gather my thoughts enough to apologize to God. And then praying to combat the guilt and ask that he help me not stay there, because no one can move forward when they're obsessed with focusing on what they did wrong rather than how to make it right. Thankful that I had my Bible, I flipped to the concordance and started reading every verse it had to offer on contentment.  "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." -Philippians 4:11. In whatever situation. This verse grabbed me because of that word, whatever. And the fuzziness that had been covering all of the good things in my life started to fade. I began to realize how much I had lost sight of, and that this whatever situation I was in, was a dang good one. My heart began to be overwhelmed by awareness and thankfulness for all of the incredible things in my life. And as I watched the sun fill up the sky over the river, the thing that I had been obsessing over and discontent with disappeared with the darkness. 

Not trusting God with your future manifests itself in discontentment. Discontentment manifest itself in bitterness. Bitterness manifests itself in bitchy comments. And it's really difficult to speak in love and grace when what's fighting to get out is rooted in thinking you're more capable than God. I thought I knew what I needed. I thought that I was ready for what I wanted, and was prideful enough to buck the lessons God was trying to teach me in a waiting period. At that point, I wasn't ready. Obviously, since I was handling it like a 6 year old stomping around in the middle of Toys R Us. There were lessons to be learned, strongholds to be broken, and a sassy mouth to be reigned in. I use the word "were" loosely,  because those are all lessons I'm sure I'll learn for the rest of my life.

"What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?' -Isaiah 45:9

I'd rather be a thankful, malleable pile of clay, then a back-talking, ungrateful pot. I'd rather live my life resting in the truth that God really does have this than stressed out trying to get it done on my own. I know that I'm probably going to fight this battle everyday for the rest of my life. The battle of thinking I can do it better and having to relinquish control. But I'd rather fight that battle everyday than live thinking I can do it alone. 

that time i quit my job

Last week I put in my two-weeks notice at my super stable, 40-hours-a-week, 7:30-4:30 desk job. 

I already had another job in the bag, my father would've stroked out if I'd quit that irresponsibly. But lately I've enjoyed letting the focus hang on the fact that I quit. At least for a little while. Then I tell people I'd already gotten hired as an assistant manager at a local boutique. The reaction is pretty 80/20. Thankfully, the 80 is the people who have gotten crazy excited. Jump up and down, burst into tears with me, "oh my gosh you're going to be so great at that", fill my heart with joy, excited. The 20 are the people who kind of cock their head to the side and look at me like "huh?" And I can see it in their eyes before they even say a word. Do you even need a degree for that job? You graduated from college to be an assistant manager at a clothing store? Is this really what you want to do? And I know that, on the majority, their concerns are for my well-being. It's never out of spite or a desire to pop my happy bubble. They're just worried. And I get it. I'm a pretty judgmental being, so I'm aware that I'd probably judge me too. Plus, they haven't exactly given me the chance to explain. And even if I did, they probably wouldn't really hear me.

When I put up my facebook status last week, announcing my departure from my current job, I ended it with the statement sometimes you just have to take the leap. Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith into something people are probably going to think is a little crazy. 

For the last 10 months, I've sat behind a desk from 7:30 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon. I've processed orders, given people quotes, and been the youngest person in the office by about 10 years. Everyday, I sat at this desk and did my best to qualm the feeling rising up that I was capable of so much more than this. That there was no way I was meant to sit behind a desk for the rest of my life. But every time I prayed about it, every time I walked straight into my house and fell into my bed in tears over the hopelessness I felt, God told me to stay. Every job opportunity that opened up fell through. No one was hiring, and I honestly wasn't even sure what I was looking for. For 10 months, he told me that I was right where he wanted me, to stay put. And sometimes I was super pissed with him for it. I was so stuck I couldn't move. And then a friend came to me with this job. 

I wanted it so bad I could feel the cells in my body vibrating from excitement. The potential within this company is unending! I'd get to be around people and pretty things all day! No pay cut? Ok! So I emailed in my resume and cover letter, and waited. Actually, I sent the email, and immediately picked up my phone and headphones, walked outside, stuck in Bethany Dillion's CD, and prayed. I sat outside the back of my office, listened to her voice, and I prayed. I told God how much I wanted this job. I told him about how it just felt like a good fit, that I thought I could thrive in this environment. I explained about the doors it opened and the potential for me to end up doing something I really love. I told him very intentionally that I wanted this job. But I also told him that if this wasn't it, I would wait. I promised him that if this wasn't the job he wanted for me, that I'd be okay with it. That I'd continue working where I was with a smile on my face. Then I just sat. Slowly, my cells stopped vibrating. I was still excited, but I was more peaceful than anything. I still wanted it, but I wanted Him more. Then the music cut off. I looked down to see an unfamiliar number calling. I answered to a request for an interview. I interviewed on a Tuesday, had my second interview the next Monday, and got the call that I'd gotten the job that night. My first day is next Wednesday. 

I'm so thankful to be walking into a new season with the reassurance that I handed this over to God first. Handing it all over to Him gave me the ability to jump. If I'd spent all my time worrying about what people would think of a college grad working in retail, or stressing about whether I thought this was the best move, there's a possibility I would've missed the opportunity to leap. It seems silly, but this is all a little scary. It's the unknown, and we humans aren't usually huge fans of the unknown. And I know that I'm not talking about a move to a foreign country or some other huge life event, but this is big in my life. And this is my blog, so..yeah. 

I have some really big dreams for my life. Ones that for now, I'm choosing to hold pretty close to my chest. They are precious dreams that are between me and God. I find a lot of beauty in that. I find a lot of closeness with him in that. I'm sure one day he'll push me to share them with you, and when that time comes, then I will. But for the time being, I'll share the small steps towards them. 

There's a whole big world out there. I hope you're out there chasing a dream. 

things i suck at [part I]

Well this should be a fun series, right? Who doesn't love splashing all their inadequacies on these here internets? The full name of that should be "things i suck at, but am actively trying to be better about". I actually kept this first installation of this series in drafts for a couple of months, looking at it here and there, but always ending up leaving it alone and unpublished. But God kept bringing me back to it. He kept pushing me to talk about the things that I, personally, struggle with on a day-to-day basis. These are the things that I struggle with, and convince myself that I am the only person on the planet who does. Which I know to be wholly and completely untrue, but that doesn't always make the feeling go away, now does it? This is, unfortunately, a series that I could probably write on for posts on end, but I don't ever want this to cross the line from transparency and honesty to self-crucifixion. Plus I don't want to bore you.

things i suck at [part I]: saying what i feel, and not what i think people want to hear
If you've ever read this blog before, you're aware that I am what they call a "people pleaser" to my core. This usually raises its ugly head in awkward or tense situations, not when my friend asks me if her jeans make her butt look big [in that case, I tend to be the honest friend]. But when there is potential for disappointment or strife, my brain is now trained to figure out what a person want me to say at lightening speed and spit it out like clock-work. Which has landed me in some fairly sticky situations. It's had me saying yes to things that I desperately wanted [and needed] to say no to. It's forced me to do something even more awkward than saying no in the first place, and back out after the fact. It's turned me into a doormat in multiple situations. But most of all, and most embarrassing of all, it's kept me from sharing my love for Jesus the way I know I'm capable of. If the situation at hand calls for me to point to the Bible or God about an issue, but I feel as though the person will be unresponsive or "weirded out", odds are I'm probably going to give them some real world mumbo-jumbo and call it a day. [ugh, this is SO MUCH FUN, sharing all this. right?!]

But as I've fallen more in love with God than ever over the course of this year, this is one of the things he's began to chip at. I loved it when Tim Tebow was recently quoted saying "If you're married, and you have a wife, and you really love your wife, is it good enough to only say to your wife 'I love her' the day you get married? Or should you tell her every single day when you wake up and every opportunity? And that's how I feel about my relationship with Jesus Christ, is that it is the most important thing in my life. So any time I get an opportunity to tell him that I love him or given an opportunity to shout him out on national TV, I'm gonna take that opportunity." The baby steps for this have been working at the root of the issue, working at my inability to speak truth when I feel as though it will offend or make someone uncomfortable. Through walking hand-in-hand with God about this, and admitting that I can't just do it on my own, I've found myself saying no more! I've found myself taking care of myself and not succumbing to the debilitating fear that someone will disapprove. And the most cool part, God and his word just kind of come out of my mouth unprovoked. Because I don't want him anywhere but everywhere, he's in everything I say, even if his name isn't. I find myself less concerned with if someone's going to label me a Bible beater, and more worried about giving half-assed, worldly advice. In the same way, I'm finding it more important to give real, honest answers to things, than half-hearted, contrived ones. And while it's awkward [I just told someone no and kind of thought I might throw up after], it's good. It's difficult and against my nature, but it's good.

I'm sure I'll end every part of this series this way, with a loud & proud oh ma gah, I so have not even put a dent in this and still totally suck at it, because it's true. But my hope, and the whole purpose of putting this "out there", is that if someone who reads this struggles the same way, they realize they aren't the only one. And that there really is hope. Everyday, God is remodeling me. Taking out things I was certain would be a part of me forever, and breaking them down. I'm just along for the ride at this point.

"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him."

-Romans 6:8

you can't blame all your issues on someone else

You just can't. It’s not fair. Easy? Yes. Fair? Not even a little. There are a plethora of people you can choose to pin your issues on. “Baggage” we call it. An absent (or too present) father, a spiteful mother, all the friends who turned their backs on you, the boy (or girl) who broke your heart. They’re the reason you don’t trust anyone! It’s their fault you struggle with an unhealthy body image! Because of them that you view the whole world through the most high-tuned pair of "everything sucks" glasses ever! If it weren’t for them, you’d have it totally, unequivocally together. Right? This isn’t to say that past hurt and heartbreak don’t contribute to the things we battle today, because they most certainly do. Your best friend stabbed you in the back? Yeah, you probably aren’t super inclined to trust every person you meet. Your boyfriend continually commented on how much weight you could afford to lose? That’s not exactly a recipe for self-confidence, now is it? Your parents split up? It's pretty easy to feel like everything sucks. People leave scars on other people every day. If I was a betting girl, I’d say you’ve probably left your fair share of hurt and baggage on other people too.

You choose to let those things define you. You choose to succumb to the way the things that were done to you make you feel. You choose to let them dictate your reactions in future situations. You. Choose. I have another post in the works about not letting your emotions make you their bitch, but I’ll touch on it here. Every day you get a choice. Are you going to wake up defined by your ex-boyfriend who left all this baggage and made you the way you are, or are you going to wake up defined by the saving grace of a Savior who died so that you could live? Is the fact that things haven't always exactly gone your way going to be your identity, or is going to be that there's an almighty Creator who thinks you're pretty much the best thing he's ever made? I know that seems like a really cut-and-dry, too-simple-for-the-situation answer, but it’s the only one. Who’s in control here? You or your past? Well, really, neither. Jesus is. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want you casting all the blame for the things you “can’t control” on someone else. If I had to make a guess, I would think he wants you moving forward, daily handing over the struggles you feel like are too big, and resting in his hands. Because the reality is, on your own all that baggage, all those things that have resulting from crappy relationships or circumstances, they’re going to be a part of you forever. If you try to do it on your own, you’re going to continue to blame someone else. Thankfully we serve a God with really wide shoulders.

I did this for a really long time. I blamed my ex for all the things wrong with me. No self-confidence? His fault. No ability to function healthily in conflict? His fault. Temper problems? His fault. Struggles with lust? His fault. I lived snuggled into this lie, never once thinking that maybe it was me. I carried it all straight into my next relationship. You know what blaming all your issues on someone else makes really difficult? Fixing them. I’d venture to say it’s nearly impossible. Because when you’re viewing all these things that way, they’re not your responsibility. They’re someone else’s problem. Even though the life the issues are wrecking havoc on is yours. And probably the people closest to you, by association. I had to wake up one day and decide that I was going to grab my life by the reigns and stop letting someone who wasn’t even in my life anymore drive. Someone who didn’t even want to be driving. And certainly someone I didn’t want driving. I had to choose to face all this crap head on and deal with it. I had to decide to stop running from it and defining it as “baggage” and not taking any responsibility for it. And it was super hard. And revealing. And embarrassing at times. A lot of the stuff I had said was “his fault” for so long, was actually my fault. His presence had simply exacerbated some pre-existing problems. It wasn’t his fault that I had little to no self-confidence, that my temper flared sometimes, or that I had no desire to keep my hands to myself. My flesh and I had been having our own little party way before he entered the picture.

So I want to encourage you to stop blaming other people. Take stock of the scars others have left, and the ones you’ve left as well, and let it go. Start taking steps towards healing and freedom. Quit choosing to live under the suffocating weight of past hurts.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

-2 Corinthians 3:17

[p.s. the Spirit's everywhere. there's freedom everywhere.]

when the going gets tough...

Something you should know about me is that I have a deep appreciation and love for clichés. You can flip through this blog’s archive and figure that out in a quick second. This one’s a favorite of my mine. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I’m not tough. I’m learning how to be tough, but I don’t think it’s a word people who know me well would use to describe me. Outsiders looking in would probably consider me very resilient and “tough”, but that’s just because they don’t get to see the weepy mess that my closest friends and family do. But I’m working on it. My skin is beginning to thicken, my resolve is growing stronger. My reaction to things is beginning to be tears less often, which is great. You can only blame allergies so many times. You see, I am an empath to the highest degree. You feel something, I feel it. Someone hurts you, they hurt me. Which makes me a pretty great friend and an overall dedicated human being, but it also makes me a bit of an emotional mess when the roller coaster starts heading down. 

 I can’t blame it all on being empathetic though. The real reason everything goes to hell when the proverbial shit hits the fan is because I freak out and completely quit trusting God with my situation. I so quickly and easily slip right into “God where are you?!?” mode and totally lose my mind. After my initial freak out I can usually regain my where abouts enough to make myself sit down and pray, but how great would it be if I could avoid that original Clark Griswold-esque meltdown? As does almost every other issue in my life, it boils down to where I’m really putting all my eggs. Are they in the me basket, or the Jesus basket? Do I think my plan’s better, or do I think God’s is? Who’s the Creator of the Universe here? Oh yeah. Not me.

I hit a bit of a “valley” in life in the last two months or so. You know when it feels like everything’s just falling down on top of you? I don’t want to go into too much detail, because as much as I love sharing life with the internet, some things are mine. But when two or three major parts of your life go to hell in a hand basket, our unfortunately human response is to just lose it. Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I didn’t get off work and bee line straight for my bed to cry it out for the next ten minutes. I’ve been tired and wired and weird. But this time around, one thing that didn’t happen was losing my faith in God and his provision. This time around, I didn’t slip into “God where are you?!?” mode. There were moments where I felt really lost and confused, but I always knew he was there. The skies haven’t necessarily cleared just yet. There are still aspects of my life that aren’t necessarily ideal just yet. Glimmers of hope are beginning to show themselves though. But the best part of it all is that my death grip on Jesus is still just as in place as it was when the roller coaster started. I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ridden out the storm and not come out the other side only holding on to myself. So yes, I’m tired. And yes, I’m ready for things to start looking up, but oh man-did God show up in the last couple of months. He showed up in my quiet times, he showed up HUGELY in my friendships, he showed up every morning and every time I was in bed crying.

I think we need to stop facing the dark times geared up to face it all by ourselves. We need to quit allowing ourselves to buy into the lie that we are the only person we can depend on. We need to grab on to Jesus with the most intense death grip possible, and ride it out with him. Because as much as most people hate to have Romans 8:28 thrown in their faces when things get rough, it’s true. The valleys, when nothing’s going right and you’re convinced he’s going to keep you here forever-those are the times he uses to level you and build you up the way he intended you. God’s been leveling me everyday lately. Everyday he’s wiping out something I was sure would be a part of me forever, and replacing it with him. The ride’s not over, but we’re both in for the long haul.

This verse has been my favorite lately. My “life motto” has become anywhere but everywhere, a shorten version of something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, that I don’t want God anywhere but everywhere. And this verse really brings it home for me. The idea of continually abiding in the house of my Father brings me so much peace and hope, especially when I relate it to how much I love the weekends I get to escape to my parents’ house. So I want to leave y’all with that, and a link to the song I’ve been listening to on repeat. Spoiler alert: it’s not a Christian song. But Corinne’s voice just soothes me, and I love the intention behind it, you’re gonna find yourself someday, somehow.

“One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent, he will lift me high upon a rock.”

-Psalm 27:4

sex: why i'm waiting

Remember that time I wrote that post about being a virgin and refusing to be ashamed about it? I want to talk about it again. This time, why. Why I've chosen to stay a virgin until I get married. [Let me slip in a disclaimer real quick before I get started: if you read this and you didn't wait, please don't think I'm sitting up on my big celibate throne casting judgment down on all you sex-havers. Please. Not the case. I just want to outline why I've waited for all the people who don't get it.]

And there's lots of people who don't get it. If I'm being honest, I still have moments where my flesh totally takes over and I don't totally get it. But over the years, becoming more and more open with my decision to stay a virgin until I'm married, I think I've started to understand, a little, God's intentions for wanting us to wait, and been able to come up with my own reasons.

God doesn't want us to abstain because he's a mean, fun-hating deity who thinks it's hilarious to make the creatures he created with passions and sex-drives not have sex. His desire for our purity is for our betterment. And yes, there are the commonly known reasons: emotional baggage & scaring, the consequences that can occur within your body. But there's more. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the people who have chosen to stay virgins until marriage don’t even have that kind of mindset. There are plenty of people out there who, when asked, would probably say they don’t have sex “because it’s in the Bible”. Because it’s what God said to do. And to me, that’s a pretty empty reason to make such a huge decision. The choice to wait till you get married isn’t necessarily an easy one. Like I said in my previous post, I think a lot of people look at us and wonder what’s wrong with us? Why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with us? Completely negating the fact that it may be a choice we’ve made. So allow me to attempt to convey the way that God has reshaped my heart on remaining a virgin until marriage.

My name signed on "true love waits" a card at a conference, a purity ring my father put on my finger when I was 13, and a slightly unhealthy love for a boy I never dated are what got me through high school a virgin. Well, that, and an absolutely debilitating fear of getting pregnant. Plus, I honestly just didn’t have a whole lot of interest in letting a boy stick a part of his body in mine, thank you very much. It wasn’t until I graduated and moved away to college, where God would capture my heart and begin to reshape my view on absolutely everything, that my virginity became something I treasured. It wasn’t until then that I realized that if I could hold out even longer, I was going to get to give my husband something that not many girls my age had to offer any more. And by that, I don’t simply mean the act of having sex for the first time. When I get married, my husband is going to be the first and only person that my soul has been joined with by an act ordained by God for the marriage bed. He will be the first and only person that I will become one with. And it’s going to be awesome.

I’m waiting because sex means more to me than our society wants it to. In a place where literally everywhere you turn is another sexual innuendo, another naked woman; sex has become a tool. It’s a way to get people to buy things. It’s a way to manipulate, distort, and disguise. Here, on this earth, sex is just not a big deal. Every movie we watch is filled to the brim with it, every song we hear, and a fair amount of our conversation is laced with it as well. It's a commonality that people breathe in as easily as they do air. It has lost all meaning. But it’s more than that to me. I've waited to have sex because one day, I’m going to be someone’s wife. Someone who knows all my quirks and oddities and loves me still. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone I trust indefinitely, with absolutely every part of me. Someone who keeps my easily fleeting feet on the ground, but still pushes me to soar. A man who points me back to Jesus in every situation. Someone I love with every fiber of my being. Someone who has, and will continue to carry me through the dark and hard days with joy and love. I’ll be married to my best friend, a man I would die for and who would do the same for me. And he will be the only person I ever want to have sex with. And there will be no fear, no shame, no timidity. I'll be his wife, and he'll be my husband, and we will trust each other completely. It won't be a one night stand laced with distaste and fear and insecurity. And it won't be sex with my boyfriend [of no matter how long], with whom I've rationalized it's okay because we know we're going to marry one another or because it's just what people do. 

It'll be sex with my husband. The only man I'll ever have sex with for the rest of my life. And there will be no need to be ashamed or embarrassed, because he will love every part of me because it's a part of me. We'll work through the awkwardness together. And I won't have to worry that he's going to slip out in the night because...he's already home. And I won't have to worry that one day the love and sex will end because he's over me, because we've made a covenant before God that it's me and him forever.


So yes, I’ve waited and am waiting because it’s what my Savior asks of and desires for me. And it's what's best for my heart and my body.

But I’m also waiting because it’s what I want. 

Because I want mind-blowing sex with one man, with my best friend, with the one with whom my soul rests, for the rest of my life.

sometimes you have to watch them crash & burn

I am a woman of many opinions. This comes as no surprise to anyone. And I like to think that most of my opinions are pretty okay ones. They weren’t always, I know that for a fact I used to give some super crappy advice (aka the old faithful “as soon as you stop looking you’ll find someone”). I think as we grow up we have to really learn how to filter our thoughts and the words we speak through Jesus and let him show us when to speak and when to shut up. There were plenty of times when I gave very well-meaning advice to a friend that probably did more harm than good because it wasn’t Jesus’ timing. But I’ve always done my best to give advice in a real-life kind of way. To use biblical references and for Jesus to always be the focal point, but to have more to say than just quoting Paul and Moses. While the Bible really is the best place to go for anything, sometimes people need to hear “I’ve been where you are, it super sucked, and this is what helped me through” more than “don’t forget, God uses all things together for his good”-even though the latter is crazy true. But I’m a firm believer in first filtering any advice you give anyone through Jesus and make sure it’s what he wants you saying in his time. It doesn’t even have to be something that takes days. Right there, in that conversation, you can let him know that what you want right now is to glorify him through your words. It’s a really cool experience when you converse with him like that and then let him speak through you, knowing that you had nothing to do with any of it. And sometimes he’s going to tell you to keep your mouth shut.


What about those times? What about those times that you’re hearing loud and clear that you need to sit back and watch someone you love run straight into a brick wall? It’s hard, especially when you feel like you could save them by simply giving your opinion. You just want to grab them and scream “I’ve done exactly what you’re about to do, and it did not end well. PLEASE hear me, walk away”. But all you can hear is the still voice of God telling you that there are bigger things at work here, so yo need to let him do his thing. And in the end, that’s what it boils down to. Faith. It comes down to trusting that he is always at work, and that sometimes, he doesn’t need you to butt in to get the job done. It’s about placing the people you love in his more than capable hands, and not always feeling like you need to pipe up about the destructive decisions they’re making. You have to choose to remember all the times that you ran into that very same brick wall and the huge lessons you learned because of it. Sometime I think I should rename Fearless “Running into Brick Walls” because it’s how I’ve learned almost every lesson I’ve ever written about. I’m a bull-in-a-china-shop kind of girl, it’s how Jesus has taught me my entire life.


The thing you have to fight after you get to that point is bitterness and judgment, because we’re human and it’s what we do. But you can fight it, and you fight it by going to battle for that person. You hit your knees and pray that maybe the wall doesn't hurt them as badly as it hurt you.  You pray for the right words to say when they come limping back and need Godly restoration. You pray for your heart while you’re watching the train wreck, that it is filled with concern and love and faith, rather than “I told you so” and “If you’d only listened to me”. I’m actually right in the midst of this right now, and even though there have been times I’d watched people I love do destructive and avoidable things, this is written while it’s fresh again. I’m watching a friend I love dearly lose herself and refuse to find her identity in Jesus. And we’ve had many a sit down about where her heart is. And Monday I finally got the answer I knew was coming, that it was time to back off. And I was aggravated. I was frustrated with her, that she was being this way about it, and I was frustrated with God, that he wouldn’t let me continue to intervene. But he’s made it very clear that my job now is to pray. And to love her. And it’s freaking hard because I’m a talker and I feel like if I could just try to explain one more time what she doesn’t see, that it would make it all better.


But God’s a better fixer than me. And he’s a better listener than me. A better guide, a better protector, and a better friend. And, unlike me, he can see the entire picture at hand. He knows that if she needs to run into that wall and come up bloodied and bruised to finally get the things he wants her to learn, then that’s exactly what’s going to happen.  So, control freak Blake over here has to let go of the reigns of someone else’s life (really? awesome.), and let God show off like he has 100 times over in my life.

an open letter to God

Father,

This woman I see when I look in the mirror is near unrecognizable now. Every day I look a little less like this flesh I'm so absorbed in, a little more like the saint you want be to be. Holiness has never been an active word in my vocabulary, never something I was striving for. Always one to toe the lie, ride the fence, able to rationalize everything, and say no to nothing. My entire life has consisted of seeing how far I could go and still be saved. Running away from you, but always looking over my shoulder to make sure you were still there. Every person I've ever come in contact with who was consumed by You kind of freaked me out, if we're being honest here. I considered them out of touch, naive, & outsiders. But I was wrong. I was the out of touch, naive one to think that I could keep you at arms length and still call you Daddy. Thinking that I could forever ride the fence the sits between child of Christ and everyone else. You have to pick a side at some point, no one can serve both You and man. Those who choose that existence, who choose to stay lukewarm about You and who You are are completely missing out on everything You have to offer.

I've never let You this far in before, and now I don't want You anywhere but every where. You overtake every crevice, every break, every part of my life. You are, quite literally, the air I breathe. Every morning I breathe in Your grace, and all I want to do is breathe out Your praise. Every second I breathe in Your freedom and breathe out Your anthem. You consume every part, every cell, every thought, it is all You. And I have moments when I'm terrified, Father. When the idea of putting all else aside and truly pursing holiness just scares the crap out of me. Maybe I'm afraid people will think I'm in genuine or disconnected. It's also probably because that kind of life is the unknown to me, and I'm a control freak, so the unknown really doesn't sit well with me. But in those moments I choose to hold on to the fact that you are so faithful, and you have never done anything but provide and carry me through. In those moments I choose to be a Proverbs 31 woman, who is clothed in strength and dignity, one who laughs without any fear of the future.

How have I lived my whole 23 years outside of this? This is all too much for just me, there are others who need to know. Brothers, sisters, lovers, haters. The good and the bad, sinners and saints, who should hear what You've told me; who should see what You've shown me, who should taste what You gave me, who should feel how You forgave me. For to be known is to be loved; and to be loved is to be known.

And they all need this, too.
We all do.
Need it for our own.

So I will stand on any mountain you give me, and I will proclaim your truths. And whether that mountain is my job, or my social interactions, I will use every single one of those to bring glory to You. Because in the end, I just want to look like You.

Love you. So much. Thank you.
Blake

[200th post. Pretty crazy.]

different loves. same Jesus.

Falling in love feels different for every person.

That much I know. And it feels different with every person you fall in love with. I remember well the first time I loved a boy. I was 13. I was a baby, with very world-dictated definitions of love. But I loved him deeply & fully for 7 whole years. We never dated. Never, ever ventured past the boundaries of friendship. Chalk that up to never-in-sync timing and the omniscient hand of God. But when I was 16, he sat in the grass with me as I cried about him & how confused I was, and he wouldn't let me out of his sight until I stopped. Falling in love with him took time, and it was young and sweet and naive. Falling out of love with him took time too. Years. But to this day I am thankful for the man he was and is, because I truly believe God used him to protect my heart from the breaks and bruises a teenage heart too often endures.

I fell in love with someone who loved me back when I was 20. I loved him despite all odds. It took some time for me to identify it as love, because it looked so different than any love I'd ever known. This love would quickly become all-consuming. It would have more ups and downs than a Nicholas Sparks novel. It was fiery and passionate and hard. But it was love. I fell in love with him blindly, as did he with me. We put the world aside and let each other be enough. We also fell in love selfishly, taking from one another things that weren't really ours to give, both physically and emotionally. And even when our love turned cold, we spent a fair amount of time attempting to rekindle it. It's such a hard thing to do, to acknowledge that a love you put so much into has died. But God was there. Every step. Every high moment and every stumble. Even when I was screaming at him to let me hear him, but didn't, he was there.

Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Falling in love with J was instant. There was just something about him and the ease with which we spent the 6 hours that spanned our first date talking and laughing and learning about one another. The way that, without ever having to say it, I knew that I was always going to come second in his life. Never lower than that, but always below Jesus. I don't even remember falling in love with him, I just was. I can't pinpoint the moment or place it happened, it feels like it's always been a part of me. But there are things about loving J that make it unlike any love I've ever known. It's the fact that, through the way he loves me, I better understand the way Christ loves each of his children. It's how his love pushes me to love others better and more deeply. It's how at my absolute most miserably-mean worst, he doesn't treat me like I have the plague. I would sacrifice anything to ensure that he would be happy for the rest of his life. He keeps my easily-fleeting feet on the ground, but pushes me to be more me everyday. Most of all, it's how our love and our relationship is absolutely saturated by Jesus and his presence. While the hand of God has been visible in every moment of my life, it is here, in my love for and with J, that I see him most clearly and purely.

I've only loved three men in my life. And each one is it's own individual story that I refuse to regret. Everyone has a story, a past love, a heartbreak. I think when we get to the point when we stop looking back on them with cold hearts and pointing fingers, we release ourselves of pain that no one should be carrying around. When we can look back and choose to find the hand of God in it, we should be able to do nothing but praise him. And maybe so-and-so was a total jerk, and maybe he did hurt you deeply, but he'll always be a part of your story. Why not take control of that and tell it the way you want it told? I never want to look back on past loves with hurt and bitterness again. I want to be thankful for his always evident hand in the stories of my past. I only want to look forward, to the future that was handwritten by the Author of Time.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 

-1 John 4:8

Happy Valentine's Day guys. 

Today I'm embracing the fact that I don't feel the push to write. I expect this will happen here and there. Hope that's okay with everyone. 

You should head over to Everyday Awe & read the blog post that kicked me in the face. Allow it to kick you in yours.
"Learning to Let Go of My Emotional Suitcase"

I love you guys. For realsies.

quit caring

Real talk: it's possible to care too much. I know, because I've perfect the art of it in my 23 years. If "caring" for you equals unnecessary stress, wondering what complete strangers think of you, allowing one person's words to ruin your day, or another's sideways glance to make you question who you are-you care too much. I believe my personal struggle generates from the strong people-pleasing strand in my DNA that also causes me to be a good friend, a faithful girlfriend, and an exceptionally hard worker. But it also makes me a basket case. It causes all the muscles in my neck to spaz out and give me unbearable headaches. It causes me to completely abandon who I truly am for who I think people want me to be. It makes me stare into space and lose touch with reality because I just don't know how to function in this state anymore. Caring too much what people think is a life-ruiner. And the worst part is that it's a life-ruiner that you choose, daily. You wake up in the morning, and even though it may be habit by this point, you decide to be completely consumed all day by what the people around you may or may not think of you. You choose to put out of your mind all the awesome God given truths that bear freedom from that kind of pain and bondage and choose to live this way.

I've always known I tended to kind of care a little more than most people, but I always chalked it up to the fact that I'm just an empathetic individual. I knew I was a sensitive soul, that I deeply cared about everyone and what everyone thought, and I just wanted everyone to be happy and to like me. Last week was a kick in the face with this crap. I learned swiftly and painfully just how much power I'd handed over to people in my life that quite honestly didn't deserve to have it. Because realistically, there should be a handful of people in your life with the power to ruin your day. A handful. My father (pretty much the best analogy maker ever, it's where I learned it) equates it to a dart board. There should only be a few people in your "bulls eye" (for me, my parents, J, and a couple of close girlfriends). Those are the people whose opinions really matter, the ones with the access to your life to speak painful truth when you're not exactly looking the way Jesus does. Those are the people who do life with you, who love you dearly, and whose words are always meant to build you up. Outside of that bulls eye, the level of power should begin to diminish. I read a quote the other day that said "As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends, and more important to have real ones." This has never rung more true in my life than it does now.

It takes training, not trying, to learn how to live free of those chains. I literally have started practicing being myself and living my life without being consumed by worry about what the people around me might be thinking (& how self-focused am I that I think everyone has an opinion about me?? geez.) My best friend and I were talking about this last night, and she referred to it as "bouncing your brain". It's a practice that our youth group used to teach the guys about avoiding lust, but I think it's applicable in every struggle of life. You have to bounce off of worry and people-pleasing, and focus it back on Jesus, and that you're pleasing him. There are going to be people who come after you about things in the name of Jesus that don't sound like him. That's why every thing that you do has to be filtered through him and his will for your life, so that when those people come around, the bounce is easy.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." -Galatians 1:10

BA-BOOM. Is the way you're living your life pleasing to Christ? Then be who he created you be, regardless of what any other person thinks. So yes, I tend to skip a little when I walk and be a little more animated and excited than the average human being. And yep, I blog about things that might make people squirm in their seats a little sometimes. But this is the life Christ has called me to for now. So, if you struggle with allowing the opinions of others to have far too much power in your life, I hope this hits home for you. I hope you can take the words I've shared and spend some time talking to God about them. Because if I want anything, it's freedom for each of you. And sometimes you need a wake-up call to realize how you've been living, you know? I just hope this pushes you to give certain people less power, to really appreciate the people who truly love you, and to bounce your brain off of what every-stinkin-person thinks. 

don't call it a comeback

A week doesn't seem like very long, but to me it felt like a lifetime. From the get-go it became very evident to me that God's pull to take a break wasn't about the blog itself, but was about some things he and I needed to work out. I can see clearly in hindsight that while yes, some of the things said were really hurtful, that God was simply using them as a catalyst for greater things. In the end, it came down to the fact that God had/has some huge things to break in me, and he wanted some time just the two of us. I don't think that that means that this blog causes me to not spend enough time with God, but just that the things he wanted to teach me were really  big and precious, and he just wanted me to spend this sweet time with him and him alone. And it was so good. God did more in my life in the 24 hours between Monday morning and Tuesday morning than I've felt him do in over a year. You see, as I've said before, God and I rarely work things a little at a time. It's big, huge things all at once, which typically leaves me exhausted but filled with so much peace. There were multiple times this week where I got all "okay God, I'm ready to sit down and pound out what you've taught me and share this, k?! Yeah? Can I, can I, can I?" and he'd say no. Or I'd push it and actually sit down in front of the computer to write and the words just wouldn't come. I finally chilled out around Thursday and gave up and gave in. He kept making it abundantly clear that this hiatus needed to happen. So don't think I didn't miss it :)

And while I missed it, those moments of wanting to jump the gun were intermixed with moments of kind of wondering if I ever wanted to come back at all...After having it all kind of slammed down my throat, I could feel tightness in my chest sometimes when I thought about being transparent again. I thought about the people who I knew took issue with this blog, and just felt so scattered and desperate to make them like me. But the pressure's good for you. Those were moments where when I'd taken my eye off my Savior and his purpose for me. The last week has been so chock full of confirmation and uplifting messages from people who read the  blog. And I want each of you to know how much God spoke through you. In my moment of darkness, you chose to step forward and be light. I can't thank you enough. Receiving emails from people who simply stumbled upon my blog saying I've changed their life? Me? Little me? I kept taking every message I got to God and asking him to filter it and keep me humble. And every time I felt like I could hear his voice telling me that that was him talking. You guys really have no idea how thankful I am for you.

So. What doesn't kill you makes a fighter. It's the best cliche in the book, because it's true. Even when it feels like it's about to kill you, it just makes you stronger. I have a lot to share over the next few posts,  a lot of things God has shown me and taught me. It's about life, about caring less what others think and giving them the appropriate amount of power. It's about letting go. It's about moving forward from a life that God no longer wants you in. It's about how quickly and easily we forget that we have an enemy that is actively fighting against us. It's about the fact that truthfully, what doesn't kill you makes you so much stronger. I had moments in the last week where I was so ready to give up. I kept looking at this mountain in front of me of things that God was pushing me to tackle, things about myself that I was sure would be a part of me forever, and asking him to just let me give up. And sometimes I did give up. But every time, after I got over my pity party, he was there to pick me up and carry me forward. He kept reminding me of the enemy that I so easily forget about that wanted nothing more than for me to wave the white flag. One reader said in her email, "I hope you never quit blogging-because that will be the day the devil is happy." And it was like a fiery arrow that stuck straight in my heart and reignited a flame that I'd let go out. I know without a doubt that this is what God has called me to, at least for now. I don't have any plans of backing down.

I'm here, stronger than before. I'm so super pumped about sharing the work God has done in me in the past week. I want to leave you with a video that a friend sent me as encouragement last Monday. It's a Tim Tebow commercial. And even though I spend most of Monday on the brink of tears anyway, this video is what broke the floodgates. As soon as it was over, as soon as Tim uttered those last words, I heard Jesus speak into my heart "you. that needs to be you." And the pieces of me that were bruised and broken instantly started to feel stronger. I hope it leaves you feeling encouraged as well.

let me clear the air + a small hiatus

I've cried more about this stupid blog in the last five days than anyone should allow over an internet forum. I'm still not sure if it's Satan or just a moment in life, but the negativity pouring in has got me on my knees ready to throw in the towel. The reality is that to be in the blogging world, and be as vulnerable as I tend to be in this world, you've got to have some thick skin. And I just don't. At least not yet. God's really putting me through the ringer on where my worth is and who I'm aiming to please, and I know I'm going to come out the other side stronger and better for it. But for right now I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that people in my life are questioning my motivation behind writing this blog, and are wondering it loudly and strongly enough to make it hurt. So I'd like to take a moment to be straight forward and clear the air on a few things:

This is not a gossip column. I don't come to this blog and pour my heart and my experiences out so that I can get a jab at someone who hurt me or I can feel bigger than them. I don't blog about my life and the hard things I've gone through because "I'm not completely over it". I write because I am over it, have found peace, and it's been placed on my heart to share the huge things I've learned. I do not write this with hopes that my ex-boyfriend reads it and feels like crap. Or his new girlfriend. I don't hope they read it at all. I don't write because I want to come across as the victim who did nothing wrong and thinks she was perfect in her last relationship. I don't think that at all. I know I played a very substantial part in the failure of that relationship and take full responsibility for what was done, but apparently have failed to convey that. I'm aware that I write more about my last relationship than my current one, and that's because I want people to be able to identify what being in an unhealthy relationship looks like and get out. And writing about J will not achieve that because we are not unhealthy. But it breaks my heart that people even ask questions about that. And I most certainly don't write because "too I'm afraid to confront people and feel safer hiding behind my computer". I'm not hiding. I'm right here

Let me tell you why I do blog. I blog because it is the cry of my heart that no one walks alone through the things I've walked through. It is my passion that today's Christians start to wake up to the things we have remained dormant on for far too long. Every single post I've ever published has been thought through and prayed over. If I don't feel like God is blessing me to publish it, the button doesn't get pushed. But a lot of the times, he gives the the go-ahead. So I talk about things like blurry physical boundaries and hard relationships and people that don't really care about you. I very openly talk about my last failed relationship and what caused it to fail in hopes that someone reads it and their eyes are opened. I talk about things that not many people are talking about right now. I am aware that within the blogging world, this kind of honesty is rare. And as I stated previously, to do so, you need to be ready to handle the negativity that's headed your way about it.

For now, I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I am instead, hurting. Hurting that people who know me question my motives for writing. I think that if what people took issue with was what I was writing about, the content, I would welcome the diverse opinions. But the fact that what is in question in my character is what brings me here now. And while it's obvious that the people who doubt me don't really know me, it's time for a hiatus. I need a break. I'm headed off to pray about it. I genuinely hope God brings me back here really soon with a renewed spirit, ready to hit the ground running again. But I need a second to heal. It might be a week, it might be a few, that's completely up to God now. I really struggled with the idea of taking some time off because I have a "I-don't-want-to-let-the-haters-win" complex that runs deep and wide. But I realized that this isn't about anyone winning. If I'm hurting and feeling God pull me away for a moment, by ignoring that the only person who wins is Satan. But my pride needs me to make it clear that this break isn't because of the words anyone said. It's because I need a moment to get my head straight and go full steam ahead when I return. Christ calls us to a life of transparency and community, and that's what's being done here. I want to come back able to do it even better.

This blog is my baby, and I love it dearly. And I know that most of you reading this completely bewildered at where this is coming from. The hurt comes from a really small faction, so most of you are really surprised. I want to take a second and genuinely thank every single person who's been supportive of my blog. Thank you so much for making it easy to be honest and real. There have been days where your support literally took my breath away I was so overwhelmed. Every single comment here and on my facebook, every message, every text, every email is so treasured by me, you just can't even know. You're a big part of the reason I know I'll be back. My father gave me an analogy (as he talked me off the "I'm never blogging again" ledge) about a lesson given at a conference where one person stood in front of you, and in a normal speaking tone showered you with compliments and uplifted you. And behind you, another person stood, whispering negative, hurtful things. Who do you think is heard more loudly? The whisperer. Right now, all I can hear is the whispers. And that's my problem. That's a big flaw that Jesus and I need to tackle right now. In actually, I can already feel that I'm on the cusp of some pretty huge things between God and I. He needs me to be only his, and he needs to hammer some things out for that to happen fully. That's why I'm taking this time, not because I'm afraid or doubt that what I'm doing here is good, but because I need some just me and Him time. I want to come back to this blog after a period of time with a 2 Timothy 1:7 mentality: "for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control."

Unafraid. Unapologetic. Fearless.

So that's what I'm headed to do. It is with puffy eyes but a peaceful and clear heart this morning that I've decided to take some time off from writing here. Not a long time, but enough to stop caring about the whispers and toughen up a little bit. My plan as of now is to re-visit this in a week or two and see where I'm at. If God's calling me back, I'm back. If he's telling me to continue to pray, that's what I'm going to do. This blog has never been more in his hands than it is now, and that's so exciting to me. He's going to do so much. I may bring a guest blogger or two in, just so cobwebs don't start to form, but I don't make any real promises. I really hope I'm back soon, and I hope you're still here when I get back. One last thing. When I do return, if I ever write something that causes you to have questions, whether it's about what I've written about or my motives behind it, please talk to me about it. Email me, text me, whatever. Please don't ask someone else close to me what's up with what I'm writing. They don't really know. They may know a little bit, but they're not in my head. Please give me the opportunity to show you what I feel like God's called me to. Give me the chance to show you my heart, because if you're questioning my motives, you haven't ever really seen it.

chains be broken

lives be healed

eyes be opened

Christ is revealed

sex, marriage, & fairytales || spoken word

This guy has taken youtube and facebook by storm. I love his videos because he speaks so. much. truth. And he gets some serious flack for it. Having experienced my first backlash this week, I found myself all the more drawn to him.This newest one really hits home for me as I move forward with life and start to unravel the unrealistic expectations on marriage I've put in place.I hope you watch it and get some real truth out of it. Go ahead and click through and see all the other great videos he's put up ("Sexual Healing" & "Why I Hate Religion, but Love Jesus" are really awesome.)

these things take time

[I know I usually write about myself, so I guess this post isn't that different from the rest. I usually really put effort into bringing things full circle. I always write with the hope that the things I write hit people at home and  are exactly the words they needed to hear that day. So, even though I'm purely talking about myself today, I think there's still potential for that. Otherwise I wouldn't publish this.]

We're 26 days into the new year. In some ways that kind of blows me away because it feels like it's been more like 6 days since I was watching fireworks on the levee with J. But then, when I really think about it, I feel like it's been ages. Before it had even arrived, I had decided I was going to take 2012 on head first. 2011 was my best and worst year all rolled into one, half spent completely losing myself, and the other becoming more myself than I've ever been. I knew that I wanted 2012 to be a continuation of that, that I wanted to really learn how to be myself, and not who I thought society or my friends or my parents or J wanted me to be. And it's been really hard, to tell the truth. The people-pleasing gene runs strong through my DNA, and while it has it's upsides, it makes it scary easy to completely lose myself.

I feel like I've spent my whole life learning to like things because it's what everyone else was doing. Pretending to not like things because other people thought it was weird. Allowing everything around me to dictate what I do and who I am. And I can't play the victim anymore because I sat back and silently let it happen. Part of what made it so easy was that I've been ridiculously sensitive and thin-skinned since I was a child. People may not have gotten to see it, but the smallest jab or  joke sent my way that had anything to do with who I am caused me to crumble to bits on the inside. I became an absolute pro at seeming stronger than I ever was. Every single thing anyone has ever said about me is filed back in my brain, easily recalled when for when I dove into self-deprecation mode. I craved the attention and approval of every person I came in contact with. I spent an exhausting amount of time trying to put together coffee dates and dinner dates and to keep friendships afloat when I was the only one paddling. I had no identity, because I was completely defined by what I picked up from other people. The identity I had pieced together wasn't a great one, way too concerned with what everyone thought of me, with the most demeaning monologue ever stuck on repeat in my head-constantly reminded me how ugly and worthless I was, and that that was never going to change. I became an astonishingly good liar, because I really didn't want to do life closely with people. I used to get so wired in highly populated social settings because all the sudden there were way too many people for me to please and worry about what they were thinking. I spent all of my time day-dreaming about being someone, anyone but myself. All of these things made it absurdly easy to sucked into (and back into, and back into) an emotionally abusive relationship that would completely shatter the small semblance of hope I was clinging onto, and completely lose myself. These are things I still battle with today, since the war only started about 9 months ago. But, thus far, I think I've put up a good fight. (I pretty much cried the entire time I typed that, just FYI. it's hard to write about who you were, and really see it in words.)

I've started discovering what I really like, and it's been such an amazing experience. I really like being different from everyone, all-the-while getting a tiny bit of joy out of the best cliches. I really like staying home most of the time, but really can't turn down a night on the town. I really like listening to the same song on repeat all day. I really like going to bed early and waking up early. I really like my handwriting, all the curves and jaunts that are finally my own after years of attempting to alter my penmanship to look like someone else's. I really like having a tiny, but close-knit group of friends that when I look forward to the future, are still there. I really like dressing for myself, and not for everyone else. I really like bright and loud lipstick, but still don't quite have the confidence to wear it as much as I'd like. I really like a very wide range of music, and have no problem with going straight from Dylan to Busta. I really like corny humor, people falling down, and anything Sheldon Cooper ever says.I really like being more quiet than loud, listening more than talking, and not needing to fill every silence. I really like being happy even when no one around me is, and using that to hopefully brighten their day. I really like taking ownership of my body and no longer hating it, I like the curve of my hips and and the dip in my back and the fact that I can eat a piece of pizza and not wash it down with a glass of self-loathing anymore.

I also quit chasing people. I took a very fair assessment of some of my friendships and decided I was tired. So I quit. I know that probably sounds really negative, but the reality is that at some point, some friendships are meant to end. It's okay. The people who really want you to be a part of your life are going to make an effort to make it so. You can't be the only one trying, the phone works both ways. Can I just say how good this has been for my heart? Not only has it made me feel like much less of a fool all the time, but it's given God and the people in my life an opportunity to show off. I hugely backed off my social media use, which has been amazing. The reality of social media is that we use it for constant validation, and it the blink of the eye, it can be one of the most unhealthy parts of our life. If everything I think is worded as a twitter status, we have a problem. That's been the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I'm changing a lot right now. I'm finally being freed from all the bondage that I've spent inordinate amount of time under. It's been pretty rough and exhausting, a totally over haul will do that. I've had a lot of moments of staring off into space and getting really distant because I no longer know how to react in certain situations. I literally have to take a moment and analyze how Blake would respond here, not the girl who used to stand in her place. And sometimes that means not responding. But the cool thing about churning up your soul is that nothing but good can come from it. And that God is so in it. He's all over it. And He's taking over. It really is the cry of my heart to look exactly like He wants me to know, without losing sight of the things that make me, me. Not that make that person I think is cool them, or that girl that I think is beautiful her, but me.

So, to bring it full circle like I promised, I hope this makes you look at yourself and see if everything in there was placed there by God, or by man. Are you fulling living your life as you, or as a society-assembled-sub-par -you? That's no way to live your life.

[want to read more about all this? go read Believing That I Am Too Much over at good women project. it's real good.]

just make sure you're not hanging out with a bunch of assholes

This has quickly become my favorite quote ever. For one, because it's down right hilarious and a well placed curse word is just needed sometimes. And secondly, because it rings so scarily true in my life, and I have a feeling, in a lot of other peoples'. I diagnosed myself with depression, low self-esteem, and high anxiety about a year ago. If you're new to the blog, a quick peek into the "relationship" section will reveal exactly why this self-diagnosis took place. This is going of offend some people, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to make one grand sweeping motion and call everyone that was in my life at that time a jerk, I had and have some really fantastic friends, and they know who they are. But when you spend a majority of your time with someone who consistently belittles you, and a group of people who really don't care whether you go or stay, your general demeanor is bound to take a nosedive into depression-land. It all came to a head on The Worst Spring Break Ever, Part II (Part I had taken place a year earlier. Spring Break and I don't really get along).

I can vividly remember a moment sitting in the second room we had rented, which was thankfully empty, as everyone had a grand ole time in the other, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. My relationship laid in shambles around me, I was watching the boy I thought would love me forever fall in love with another girl, and I'd never felt more alone in my life. I was depressed, I was anxious, and I hated myself. I was seeing myself and life through this really crappy, warped set of eyes. It was bad, and I was miserable. I'd been living like this for a while, but I'd always had my girlfriends around to hold me up when I fell apart. But because I had opted to go on this trip with all of his friends, I was alone. There have been a couple times in my life where I've cried out to God and instantly heard his voice, and this was one of those times that I really needed to hear him. I cried and I talked. I told God everything I was feeling in that moment (which was a lot), and told him that I was pretty sure I couldn't go on like this much longer. And then I sat and waited. For a while. His answer? "You're not going to have to." 

[Let me make a quick sidebar: My entire life, I've really struggled with definites. I see life as black and white, and always and never are very big parts of my vocabulary. "I'm always going to feel this way", "this is never going to get better". What I've come to find about myself is that this roots in a lack of faith in God. Plain and simple. If I believe that my circumstances are unchangeable, and that my Father doesn't want them to change for the better, then I don't trust him. And all he's ever done is give me reason after reason to trust him. All he's ever done is prove me wrong. So now, when always and never start to creep back into my vocabulary, I have to remember that he's bigger. Sidebar over.]

I'm not going to lie to you, when I heard those words, I thought it meant that my relationship was about to go on the upswing, that my depression was about to go away, and that this group of people that I so desperately needed to want me around, was going to. I was wrong. I returned home to a swift and cold breakup, and wouldn't really talk to that group of people much after the fact. And for a moment, I was floored. I couldn't understand how I felt like God had laid it out for me that everything was going to be okay, when things were so obviously not okay. But I was wrong again. In the days following the end of that part of my life, pieces of myself that I'd lost along the way started to come back. My friends started to comment on how happy I seemed, and they did it often. I started spending time again with the people who had always been there, building me up, loving me, that I had been to immersed in the dark to see. They wanted me around, they encouraged me to start over, and they rejoiced in the return of their friend. And most importantly, they pointed me back to Jesus everyday. J and I started dating not long after my breakup, and he became another part of God's beautifully surprising plan. And little by little, the days weren't so dark. I stopped waking up feeling like I was going to vibrate out of the bed due to the amount of anxiety riddling my body. The words always and never became less and less a fixture in my life. I started being able to see myself as the Creator of the Universe sees me-beautifully and wonderfully made.

I'm not saying that depression and anxiety aren't very real things. I know that they are. It's so easy to start believing that there's no hope And I'm not saying that the people I surrounded myself with were the only reason I ever felt the way I did. That's really not fair. But what I am saying is that maybe you need to look around at who you're surrounding yourself with before you run off and get a Prozac prescription. They can have an amazing impact on who you are and how you feel, if you let them. This is the point I'm trying to make:

 Life your life with people who want to see you happy, who point you back to Jesus when all you can see is dark. People who will sit with you and let you talk even when they think you're ridiculous. Choose life with the people who choose you just as much as you choose them. Who will stay in the apartment and watch Arrested Development all day because you just can't bring yourself to go out.

I don't know. Just make sure you're not hanging out with a bunch of assholes.

{this post is dedicated to my wonderful 2010-2011 roommates who put up with more than they should've, and helped carry me through it all.}