This woman I see when I look in the mirror is near unrecognizable now. Every day I look a little less like this flesh I'm so absorbed in, a little more like the saint you want be to be. Holiness has never been an active word in my vocabulary, never something I was striving for. Always one to toe the lie, ride the fence, able to rationalize everything, and say no to nothing. My entire life has consisted of seeing how far I could go and still be saved. Running away from you, but always looking over my shoulder to make sure you were still there. Every person I've ever come in contact with who was consumed by You kind of freaked me out, if we're being honest here. I considered them out of touch, naive, & outsiders. But I was wrong. I was the out of touch, naive one to think that I could keep you at arms length and still call you Daddy. Thinking that I could forever ride the fence the sits between child of Christ and everyone else. You have to pick a side at some point, no one can serve both You and man. Those who choose that existence, who choose to stay lukewarm about You and who You are are completely missing out on everything You have to offer.
I've never let You this far in before, and now I don't want You anywhere but every where. You overtake every crevice, every break, every part of my life. You are, quite literally, the air I breathe. Every morning I breathe in Your grace, and all I want to do is breathe out Your praise. Every second I breathe in Your freedom and breathe out Your anthem. You consume every part, every cell, every thought, it is all You. And I have moments when I'm terrified, Father. When the idea of putting all else aside and truly pursing holiness just scares the crap out of me. Maybe I'm afraid people will think I'm in genuine or disconnected. It's also probably because that kind of life is the unknown to me, and I'm a control freak, so the unknown really doesn't sit well with me. But in those moments I choose to hold on to the fact that you are so faithful, and you have never done anything but provide and carry me through. In those moments I choose to be a Proverbs 31 woman, who is clothed in strength and dignity, one who laughs without any fear of the future.
How have I lived my whole 23 years outside of this? This is all too much for just me, there are others who need to know. Brothers, sisters, lovers, haters. The good and the bad, sinners and saints, who should hear what You've told me; who should see what You've shown me, who should taste what You gave me, who should feel how You forgave me. For to be known is to be loved; and to be loved is to be known.
And they all need this, too.
We all do.
Need it for our own.
So I will stand on any mountain you give me, and I will proclaim your truths. And whether that mountain is my job, or my social interactions, I will use every single one of those to bring glory to You. Because in the end, I just want to look like You.
Love you. So much. Thank you.
[200th post. Pretty crazy.]