2/6/12

don't call it a comeback

A week doesn't seem like very long, but to me it felt like a lifetime. From the get-go it became very evident to me that God's pull to take a break wasn't about the blog itself, but was about some things he and I needed to work out. I can see clearly in hindsight that while yes, some of the things said were really hurtful, that God was simply using them as a catalyst for greater things. In the end, it came down to the fact that God had/has some huge things to break in me, and he wanted some time just the two of us. I don't think that that means that this blog causes me to not spend enough time with God, but just that the things he wanted to teach me were really  big and precious, and he just wanted me to spend this sweet time with him and him alone. And it was so good. God did more in my life in the 24 hours between Monday morning and Tuesday morning than I've felt him do in over a year. You see, as I've said before, God and I rarely work things a little at a time. It's big, huge things all at once, which typically leaves me exhausted but filled with so much peace. There were multiple times this week where I got all "okay God, I'm ready to sit down and pound out what you've taught me and share this, k?! Yeah? Can I, can I, can I?" and he'd say no. Or I'd push it and actually sit down in front of the computer to write and the words just wouldn't come. I finally chilled out around Thursday and gave up and gave in. He kept making it abundantly clear that this hiatus needed to happen. So don't think I didn't miss it :)

And while I missed it, those moments of wanting to jump the gun were intermixed with moments of kind of wondering if I ever wanted to come back at all...After having it all kind of slammed down my throat, I could feel tightness in my chest sometimes when I thought about being transparent again. I thought about the people who I knew took issue with this blog, and just felt so scattered and desperate to make them like me. But the pressure's good for you. Those were moments where when I'd taken my eye off my Savior and his purpose for me. The last week has been so chock full of confirmation and uplifting messages from people who read the  blog. And I want each of you to know how much God spoke through you. In my moment of darkness, you chose to step forward and be light. I can't thank you enough. Receiving emails from people who simply stumbled upon my blog saying I've changed their life? Me? Little me? I kept taking every message I got to God and asking him to filter it and keep me humble. And every time I felt like I could hear his voice telling me that that was him talking. You guys really have no idea how thankful I am for you.

So. What doesn't kill you makes a fighter. It's the best cliche in the book, because it's true. Even when it feels like it's about to kill you, it just makes you stronger. I have a lot to share over the next few posts,  a lot of things God has shown me and taught me. It's about life, about caring less what others think and giving them the appropriate amount of power. It's about letting go. It's about moving forward from a life that God no longer wants you in. It's about how quickly and easily we forget that we have an enemy that is actively fighting against us. It's about the fact that truthfully, what doesn't kill you makes you so much stronger. I had moments in the last week where I was so ready to give up. I kept looking at this mountain in front of me of things that God was pushing me to tackle, things about myself that I was sure would be a part of me forever, and asking him to just let me give up. And sometimes I did give up. But every time, after I got over my pity party, he was there to pick me up and carry me forward. He kept reminding me of the enemy that I so easily forget about that wanted nothing more than for me to wave the white flag. One reader said in her email, "hope you never quit blogging-because that will be the day the devil is happy." And it was like a fiery arrow that stuck straight in my heart and reignited a flame that I'd let go out. I know without a doubt that this is what God has called me to, at least for now. I don't have any plans of backing down.

I'm here, stronger than before. I'm so super pumped about sharing the work God has done in me in the past week. I want to leave you with a video that a friend sent me as encouragement last Monday. It's a Tim Tebow commercial. And even though I spend most of Monday on the brink of tears anyway, this video is what broke the floodgates. As soon as it was over, as soon as Tim uttered those last words, I heard Jesus speak into my heart "you. that needs to be you." And the pieces of me that were bruised and broken instantly started to feel stronger. I hope it leaves you feeling encouraged as well.


4 comments:

Chelsea said...

Oh, where do I start? As always, I totally appreciated you writing this post and got so much out of it! Your strength is so inspiring and moving. I couldn't agree with you more that what doesn't kill us makes us a fighter. The part I love most and that I really needed to hear -"It's about moving forward from a life that God no longer wants you in."

Can't wait for your next post!! :) xoxo

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