let me clear the air + a small hiatus

I've cried more about this stupid blog in the last five days than anyone should allow over an internet forum. I'm still not sure if it's Satan or just a moment in life, but the negativity pouring in has got me on my knees ready to throw in the towel. The reality is that to be in the blogging world, and be as vulnerable as I tend to be in this world, you've got to have some thick skin. And I just don't. At least not yet. God's really putting me through the ringer on where my worth is and who I'm aiming to please, and I know I'm going to come out the other side stronger and better for it. But for right now I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that people in my life are questioning my motivation behind writing this blog, and are wondering it loudly and strongly enough to make it hurt. So I'd like to take a moment to be straight forward and clear the air on a few things:

This is not a gossip column. I don't come to this blog and pour my heart and my experiences out so that I can get a jab at someone who hurt me or I can feel bigger than them. I don't blog about my life and the hard things I've gone through because "I'm not completely over it". I write because I am over it, have found peace, and it's been placed on my heart to share the huge things I've learned. I do not write this with hopes that my ex-boyfriend reads it and feels like crap. Or his new girlfriend. I don't hope they read it at all. I don't write because I want to come across as the victim who did nothing wrong and thinks she was perfect in her last relationship. I don't think that at all. I know I played a very substantial part in the failure of that relationship and take full responsibility for what was done, but apparently have failed to convey that. I'm aware that I write more about my last relationship than my current one, and that's because I want people to be able to identify what being in an unhealthy relationship looks like and get out. And writing about J will not achieve that because we are not unhealthy. But it breaks my heart that people even ask questions about that. And I most certainly don't write because "too I'm afraid to confront people and feel safer hiding behind my computer". I'm not hiding. I'm right here

Let me tell you why I do blog. I blog because it is the cry of my heart that no one walks alone through the things I've walked through. It is my passion that today's Christians start to wake up to the things we have remained dormant on for far too long. Every single post I've ever published has been thought through and prayed over. If I don't feel like God is blessing me to publish it, the button doesn't get pushed. But a lot of the times, he gives the the go-ahead. So I talk about things like blurry physical boundaries and hard relationships and people that don't really care about you. I very openly talk about my last failed relationship and what caused it to fail in hopes that someone reads it and their eyes are opened. I talk about things that not many people are talking about right now. I am aware that within the blogging world, this kind of honesty is rare. And as I stated previously, to do so, you need to be ready to handle the negativity that's headed your way about it.

For now, I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I am instead, hurting. Hurting that people who know me question my motives for writing. I think that if what people took issue with was what I was writing about, the content, I would welcome the diverse opinions. But the fact that what is in question in my character is what brings me here now. And while it's obvious that the people who doubt me don't really know me, it's time for a hiatus. I need a break. I'm headed off to pray about it. I genuinely hope God brings me back here really soon with a renewed spirit, ready to hit the ground running again. But I need a second to heal. It might be a week, it might be a few, that's completely up to God now. I really struggled with the idea of taking some time off because I have a "I-don't-want-to-let-the-haters-win" complex that runs deep and wide. But I realized that this isn't about anyone winning. If I'm hurting and feeling God pull me away for a moment, by ignoring that the only person who wins is Satan. But my pride needs me to make it clear that this break isn't because of the words anyone said. It's because I need a moment to get my head straight and go full steam ahead when I return. Christ calls us to a life of transparency and community, and that's what's being done here. I want to come back able to do it even better.

This blog is my baby, and I love it dearly. And I know that most of you reading this completely bewildered at where this is coming from. The hurt comes from a really small faction, so most of you are really surprised. I want to take a second and genuinely thank every single person who's been supportive of my blog. Thank you so much for making it easy to be honest and real. There have been days where your support literally took my breath away I was so overwhelmed. Every single comment here and on my facebook, every message, every text, every email is so treasured by me, you just can't even know. You're a big part of the reason I know I'll be back. My father gave me an analogy (as he talked me off the "I'm never blogging again" ledge) about a lesson given at a conference where one person stood in front of you, and in a normal speaking tone showered you with compliments and uplifted you. And behind you, another person stood, whispering negative, hurtful things. Who do you think is heard more loudly? The whisperer. Right now, all I can hear is the whispers. And that's my problem. That's a big flaw that Jesus and I need to tackle right now. In actually, I can already feel that I'm on the cusp of some pretty huge things between God and I. He needs me to be only his, and he needs to hammer some things out for that to happen fully. That's why I'm taking this time, not because I'm afraid or doubt that what I'm doing here is good, but because I need some just me and Him time. I want to come back to this blog after a period of time with a 2 Timothy 1:7 mentality: "for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control."

Unafraid. Unapologetic. Fearless.

So that's what I'm headed to do. It is with puffy eyes but a peaceful and clear heart this morning that I've decided to take some time off from writing here. Not a long time, but enough to stop caring about the whispers and toughen up a little bit. My plan as of now is to re-visit this in a week or two and see where I'm at. If God's calling me back, I'm back. If he's telling me to continue to pray, that's what I'm going to do. This blog has never been more in his hands than it is now, and that's so exciting to me. He's going to do so much. I may bring a guest blogger or two in, just so cobwebs don't start to form, but I don't make any real promises. I really hope I'm back soon, and I hope you're still here when I get back. One last thing. When I do return, if I ever write something that causes you to have questions, whether it's about what I've written about or my motives behind it, please talk to me about it. Email me, text me, whatever. Please don't ask someone else close to me what's up with what I'm writing. They don't really know. They may know a little bit, but they're not in my head. Please give me the opportunity to show you what I feel like God's called me to. Give me the chance to show you my heart, because if you're questioning my motives, you haven't ever really seen it.

chains be broken

lives be healed

eyes be opened

Christ is revealed

sex, marriage, & fairytales || spoken word

This guy has taken youtube and facebook by storm. I love his videos because he speaks so. much. truth. And he gets some serious flack for it. Having experienced my first backlash this week, I found myself all the more drawn to him.This newest one really hits home for me as I move forward with life and start to unravel the unrealistic expectations on marriage I've put in place.I hope you watch it and get some real truth out of it. Go ahead and click through and see all the other great videos he's put up ("Sexual Healing" & "Why I Hate Religion, but Love Jesus" are really awesome.)

these things take time

[I know I usually write about myself, so I guess this post isn't that different from the rest. I usually really put effort into bringing things full circle. I always write with the hope that the things I write hit people at home and  are exactly the words they needed to hear that day. So, even though I'm purely talking about myself today, I think there's still potential for that. Otherwise I wouldn't publish this.]

We're 26 days into the new year. In some ways that kind of blows me away because it feels like it's been more like 6 days since I was watching fireworks on the levee with J. But then, when I really think about it, I feel like it's been ages. Before it had even arrived, I had decided I was going to take 2012 on head first. 2011 was my best and worst year all rolled into one, half spent completely losing myself, and the other becoming more myself than I've ever been. I knew that I wanted 2012 to be a continuation of that, that I wanted to really learn how to be myself, and not who I thought society or my friends or my parents or J wanted me to be. And it's been really hard, to tell the truth. The people-pleasing gene runs strong through my DNA, and while it has it's upsides, it makes it scary easy to completely lose myself.

I feel like I've spent my whole life learning to like things because it's what everyone else was doing. Pretending to not like things because other people thought it was weird. Allowing everything around me to dictate what I do and who I am. And I can't play the victim anymore because I sat back and silently let it happen. Part of what made it so easy was that I've been ridiculously sensitive and thin-skinned since I was a child. People may not have gotten to see it, but the smallest jab or  joke sent my way that had anything to do with who I am caused me to crumble to bits on the inside. I became an absolute pro at seeming stronger than I ever was. Every single thing anyone has ever said about me is filed back in my brain, easily recalled when for when I dove into self-deprecation mode. I craved the attention and approval of every person I came in contact with. I spent an exhausting amount of time trying to put together coffee dates and dinner dates and to keep friendships afloat when I was the only one paddling. I had no identity, because I was completely defined by what I picked up from other people. The identity I had pieced together wasn't a great one, way too concerned with what everyone thought of me, with the most demeaning monologue ever stuck on repeat in my head-constantly reminded me how ugly and worthless I was, and that that was never going to change. I became an astonishingly good liar, because I really didn't want to do life closely with people. I used to get so wired in highly populated social settings because all the sudden there were way too many people for me to please and worry about what they were thinking. I spent all of my time day-dreaming about being someone, anyone but myself. All of these things made it absurdly easy to sucked into (and back into, and back into) an emotionally abusive relationship that would completely shatter the small semblance of hope I was clinging onto, and completely lose myself. These are things I still battle with today, since the war only started about 9 months ago. But, thus far, I think I've put up a good fight. (I pretty much cried the entire time I typed that, just FYI. it's hard to write about who you were, and really see it in words.)

I've started discovering what I really like, and it's been such an amazing experience. I really like being different from everyone, all-the-while getting a tiny bit of joy out of the best cliches. I really like staying home most of the time, but really can't turn down a night on the town. I really like listening to the same song on repeat all day. I really like going to bed early and waking up early. I really like my handwriting, all the curves and jaunts that are finally my own after years of attempting to alter my penmanship to look like someone else's. I really like having a tiny, but close-knit group of friends that when I look forward to the future, are still there. I really like dressing for myself, and not for everyone else. I really like bright and loud lipstick, but still don't quite have the confidence to wear it as much as I'd like. I really like a very wide range of music, and have no problem with going straight from Dylan to Busta. I really like corny humor, people falling down, and anything Sheldon Cooper ever says.I really like being more quiet than loud, listening more than talking, and not needing to fill every silence. I really like being happy even when no one around me is, and using that to hopefully brighten their day. I really like taking ownership of my body and no longer hating it, I like the curve of my hips and and the dip in my back and the fact that I can eat a piece of pizza and not wash it down with a glass of self-loathing anymore.

I also quit chasing people. I took a very fair assessment of some of my friendships and decided I was tired. So I quit. I know that probably sounds really negative, but the reality is that at some point, some friendships are meant to end. It's okay. The people who really want you to be a part of your life are going to make an effort to make it so. You can't be the only one trying, the phone works both ways. Can I just say how good this has been for my heart? Not only has it made me feel like much less of a fool all the time, but it's given God and the people in my life an opportunity to show off. I hugely backed off my social media use, which has been amazing. The reality of social media is that we use it for constant validation, and it the blink of the eye, it can be one of the most unhealthy parts of our life. If everything I think is worded as a twitter status, we have a problem. That's been the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I'm changing a lot right now. I'm finally being freed from all the bondage that I've spent inordinate amount of time under. It's been pretty rough and exhausting, a totally over haul will do that. I've had a lot of moments of staring off into space and getting really distant because I no longer know how to react in certain situations. I literally have to take a moment and analyze how Blake would respond here, not the girl who used to stand in her place. And sometimes that means not responding. But the cool thing about churning up your soul is that nothing but good can come from it. And that God is so in it. He's all over it. And He's taking over. It really is the cry of my heart to look exactly like He wants me to know, without losing sight of the things that make me, me. Not that make that person I think is cool them, or that girl that I think is beautiful her, but me.

So, to bring it full circle like I promised, I hope this makes you look at yourself and see if everything in there was placed there by God, or by man. Are you fulling living your life as you, or as a society-assembled-sub-par -you? That's no way to live your life.

[want to read more about all this? go read Believing That I Am Too Much over at good women project. it's real good.]

awkwardandawesomewednesday

awkward:
-I find it a little awkward how much I enjoy Rob Pattinson's contribution to the Twilight soundtrack. His voice makes me happy. Wait. I own the Twilight soundtrack? Frick.
-Also, I'm pretty annoyed that Miley's cover of Bob's "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome" has grown on me. I no longer want to throw things at the radio when it comes on. What the?
-Neck pain that causes a migraine that causes nausea that causes you to sleep on the bathroom floor.
-Finishing season 4 of BBT and not having season 5. Ok that's not awkward, but how much I freaked out was. That cliffhanger was just not fair, and then I downloaded episode 1 of season 5 on iTunes but it took forever so now I don't know what happened and I'm genuinely panicked about the state of Leonard and Penny's relationship.
-Let me paint a picture for you. Go the salon Saturday morning, sitting at the table, chatting with my lovely hairdresser, and this girl starts talking so loud and obnoxiously about Hollywood and how she used to sing with Demi Lovato and how if she ever has kids she's going to be poppy Vivance like her life depends on it and how Jessica Simpson's fat and I almost punched her in the face. She was everything wrong with the female race.

awesome:
-Seeing my parents twice in one week. Once for lunch Sunday, once for dinner last night. I love them so much.
-I'm talking about music a lot today, I'm not sure why. But, my musical diet lately has been purely Ray La Montagne, Bob Dylan, & Bon Iver. Happy girl.
-New blog obsession: Gal Meets Glam. I pretty much just want to be her. You're welcome.
-I'm just really in love, and love being in love.
-It's official, Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato, & Jessica Simpson are my favorites. I just adore them for being themselves, being real about life, and not letting anyone make them hate themselves. You rock those curves ladies. Thank you.
-I'm so obsessed with this song right now. Beside the fact that I'm still convinced I'm going to marry JGL (love you J), it's just genius and catchy! Again, you're welcome.



Cash, money, money, cash, money, money, cash.

just make sure you're not hanging out with a bunch of assholes

This has quickly become my favorite quote ever. For one, because it's down right hilarious and a well placed curse word is just needed sometimes. And secondly, because it rings so scarily true in my life, and I have a feeling, in a lot of other peoples'. I diagnosed myself with depression, low self-esteem, and high anxiety about a year ago. If you're new to the blog, a quick peek into the "relationship" section will reveal exactly why this self-diagnosis took place. This is going of offend some people, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to make one grand sweeping motion and call everyone that was in my life at that time a jerk, I had and have some really fantastic friends, and they know who they are. But when you spend a majority of your time with someone who consistently belittles you, and a group of people who really don't care whether you go or stay, your general demeanor is bound to take a nosedive into depression-land. It all came to a head on The Worst Spring Break Ever, Part II (Part I had taken place a year earlier. Spring Break and I don't really get along).

I can vividly remember a moment sitting in the second room we had rented, which was thankfully empty, as everyone had a grand ole time in the other, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. My relationship laid in shambles around me, I was watching the boy I thought would love me forever fall in love with another girl, and I'd never felt more alone in my life. I was depressed, I was anxious, and I hated myself. I was seeing myself and life through this really crappy, warped set of eyes. It was bad, and I was miserable. I'd been living like this for a while, but I'd always had my girlfriends around to hold me up when I fell apart. But because I had opted to go on this trip with all of his friends, I was alone. There have been a couple times in my life where I've cried out to God and instantly heard his voice, and this was one of those times that I really needed to hear him. I cried and I talked. I told God everything I was feeling in that moment (which was a lot), and told him that I was pretty sure I couldn't go on like this much longer. And then I sat and waited. For a while. His answer? "You're not going to have to." 

[Let me make a quick sidebar: My entire life, I've really struggled with definites. I see life as black and white, and always and never are very big parts of my vocabulary. "I'm always going to feel this way", "this is never going to get better". What I've come to find about myself is that this roots in a lack of faith in God. Plain and simple. If I believe that my circumstances are unchangeable, and that my Father doesn't want them to change for the better, then I don't trust him. And all he's ever done is give me reason after reason to trust him. All he's ever done is prove me wrong. So now, when always and never start to creep back into my vocabulary, I have to remember that he's bigger. Sidebar over.]

I'm not going to lie to you, when I heard those words, I thought it meant that my relationship was about to go on the upswing, that my depression was about to go away, and that this group of people that I so desperately needed to want me around, was going to. I was wrong. I returned home to a swift and cold breakup, and wouldn't really talk to that group of people much after the fact. And for a moment, I was floored. I couldn't understand how I felt like God had laid it out for me that everything was going to be okay, when things were so obviously not okay. But I was wrong again. In the days following the end of that part of my life, pieces of myself that I'd lost along the way started to come back. My friends started to comment on how happy I seemed, and they did it often. I started spending time again with the people who had always been there, building me up, loving me, that I had been to immersed in the dark to see. They wanted me around, they encouraged me to start over, and they rejoiced in the return of their friend. And most importantly, they pointed me back to Jesus everyday. J and I started dating not long after my breakup, and he became another part of God's beautifully surprising plan. And little by little, the days weren't so dark. I stopped waking up feeling like I was going to vibrate out of the bed due to the amount of anxiety riddling my body. The words always and never became less and less a fixture in my life. I started being able to see myself as the Creator of the Universe sees me-beautifully and wonderfully made.

I'm not saying that depression and anxiety aren't very real things. I know that they are. It's so easy to start believing that there's no hope And I'm not saying that the people I surrounded myself with were the only reason I ever felt the way I did. That's really not fair. But what I am saying is that maybe you need to look around at who you're surrounding yourself with before you run off and get a Prozac prescription. They can have an amazing impact on who you are and how you feel, if you let them. This is the point I'm trying to make:

 Life your life with people who want to see you happy, who point you back to Jesus when all you can see is dark. People who will sit with you and let you talk even when they think you're ridiculous. Choose life with the people who choose you just as much as you choose them. Who will stay in the apartment and watch Arrested Development all day because you just can't bring yourself to go out.

I don't know. Just make sure you're not hanging out with a bunch of assholes.

{this post is dedicated to my wonderful 2010-2011 roommates who put up with more than they should've, and helped carry me through it all.}

insta2012

{01/17/11} lunch

{01/18/11}relaxin'

{01/19/11}sushi date with Mr. Peaches

{01/20/11}working in the warehouse

{01/21/11}newly ombre'd hairs!

{01/22/11}lunch date with J and the parentals

best things on the internet

Single Ladies (Cover) -Sara Bareilles
She's so stinking talented!! I'm obsessed with her.

This wedding by Andria Lindquist is one of the most amazing I've ever seen. And their story is precious. And they eloped, which is my favorite thing ever. Ever. Go ahead and drool, you can thank me later.

2011 in Twitter Review

And my Kelly Clarkson obsession continues to grow. I don't care how cheesy and cliche this song is, it could pretty much be the Fearless theme song. 

Lastly: Love, Lace, & Life Changes is back on the air. Not that any of you noticed that it was down, but it went through some major renovations, and now it's back! I still haven't updated since...oh....September, but I'm going to! I promise! Anyway, you can still go look at how pretty it is and ooh and ahh at all my hard work, right? Quit judging me and just go.

i want you to stop

"You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

-James 4:14

This is probably going to end up being one of the most generic posts I've ever written, but I just have to. If it's only to remind myself and stir up some kind of ability to live in a way that this is truth, then honestly, that's enough for me. The chance that one person might read this and realize how much they've taken for granted, and make a change, that's enough. I had this moment yesterday, walking through my office, that literally stopped me in my tracks. All the sudden, I was painfully and fully aware of how much I allow myself to float through life. To slip into auto-pilot. To just go through the motions. I know I'm a pretty highly-emotional person, but it almost brought me to my knees right there. I stood there, struggling to remember at what point I had stopped trying. Was it a couple of days ago? A week ago? Longer? How many opportunities had I missed? My heart sunk as I realized I couldn't remember when I'd shut it off. 

It's so easy to do, that's the scary thing. I don't remember struggling with it as much in college, because your schedule changes pretty regularly, and you have all this free time to spend with people and do things. It definitely still happens. But now, in the adult world, where I wake up at the same time every morning, drive the same route to work, do the same thing for 8 hours, drive home, and usually end the day on the couch with J, I think I felt somewhat like auto-pilot was what was supposed to happen. Like, that's just the way you do it. But I don't want to live on auto-pilot. Just because life can get a little monotonous sometimes, doesn't give me a free pass to take it for granted. Because when I choose to live my life that way, all checked out and non-involved, that's what I'm doing. Taking this precious gift for granted. 

A precious gift that has the consistency of a mist, at that. I've experienced all too closely the fragility of life. And yet, I so easily forget that I am not invincible. So I flit my way through the days that I should be closely cherishing, that I should be making the absolute most of. I spend hours day dreaming about the future, when it's not even something I'm guaranteed. And I take for granted a blessed, full life that others would give anything to have. I never want for anything, I am healthy and loved and full of life. Yet every morning I drag myself out of bed and do the same ole' thing I did yesterday with the same excitement level as a snail. A couple of weeks ago, I read this beautiful blog post by deceased blogger Sara Frankl entitled "Please Don't Miss It". Sara was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, and lived for 15 years in constant excruciating pain. She kept a blog, regularly updating about her condition, and more often, about her attitude. Sara passed away on September 24, 2011, but she left behind a legacy of trying to get people to live their lives. She wrote "Please Don't Miss It" on her last birthday. This line sums it up fairly well, but I really encourage you to go read at least this post. I'll be genuinely shocked if you don't get sucked in and end up reading her whole story. The entire thing moved me to tears, but especially this line stuck with me.

"For my birthday, I want you to do something for you. I want you to STOP. I want you to FEEL and SMELL and ACKNOWLEDGE the gifts that God puts out for you every single day when He make the sun rise from it's slumber and beat down on your skin. I want you to look up at the dark of night and see and feel the magnitude of the heavens and the full moon that I can't see out of my windows."

This life is not only a mist, it is an unexplainable blessing. Now go live it fully.

you know what today is...

awkward
-That moment when you realize your food order was just the exact same as the man behind you who is about 3 times your size. I'd like a side of guilt and shame too, please?
-The degree to which my head begins to swim when I work on my book. I can write all day, but blueprints? Format? Edit? Design? TITLE?! I-yi-yi! Isn't there a magic genie that specializes in this stuff?
-Speaking of writing my book, when inspiration hits and the chapters start flowing, it is nearly impossible for me to rip myself away from my laptop. And when I do, I'm really spacey and detached because my mind is still writing chapters. Which isn't great for a girl that has a tendency to be spacey and detached at any given moment.
-Sitting in my bed, eating a sandwich, watching Big Bang Theory. And then realizing that this is pretty much what I've done every night for a week. AND the fact that this is the third time BBT has been in my awkwards. 
-The fact that my brain works in a series of raps. I often complete or rhyme things people say with lines from a popular hip-hop song. For example: my boss said "you must know somebody" and my brain went "who knows somebody, who knows somethin' bout it" in Trick Daddy's voice (from "Let's Go"). I guess that's what I get for having a brain full of raps.

awesome
-I'm thinking about moving a little bit further into the wedding planning world again. Not full time, because well, I just can't. But kind of moonlighting on the side more than I am now. So, know someone that needs a super awesome and efficient event consultant/coordinator? Holla atcha girl!
-"Ignition (Remix)" -R.Kelly Pandora radio. Just trust me.
-I've never been a big Madonna fan, but I caught a snippet of her recent interview, and really loved this line she said: "I've never really lived a conventional life, so I think it'd  be foolish of me, and everyone else, to start expecting me to make conventional choices."
-I genuinely couldn't decide whether I wanted to put this under awkward or awesome, but I obviously went with the latter. I was snooping around my blog stats and traffic sources and noticed a large number coming from a catholic forum website. Come to find out, someone posted The Women Who Love Men Who Love Porn there and sparked this huge discussion. Oh hey! That's incredibly random, but I'm all about sparking talk about the awkward stuff. Woo hoo!
-I keep getting texts like this, and the over-whelming joy I experience when I get them is so cool. I guess after being miserable for so long, people are kind of starting to figure out that I am capable of happiness. I'm just really thankful that my joy is evident, and that it all hinges on my relationship with Christ.

quieting your inner crazy-girl

I wish you paid more attention to me. 
I need more from you. 
I don't feel pursued by you. 


All things I've said to someone I was dating at some point or another. In typical girl fashion, heaping all the fault of the fact that I don't feel desired or pursued on the man. Because he's the one that's not doing enough after all, right?

Wrong.

Ok. Not totally wrong. There's always the possibility that he has, in fact, slacked off and just plain isn't trying anymore. I've been in a relationship where the boy had checked out and it was completely valid that I felt unloved and undesired. But that was just a result of one of the most unhealthy relationship known to man-kind. I'm exaggerating, but you get the point. That's a completely different story from being in an amazing, growing, Christ-centered relationship and finding yourself feeling less than admired. What I'm talking about is when you know he loves you, but you don't feel it. You don't feel like he's doing "enough" to make you feel loved. "He's not pursuing you anymore" is most Christians' favorite way to put it. Let's look at the part we females play in that, yea?

1. Maybe you need to chill out a little bit.
Let me begin by clarifying that I am in no way, shape, or form encouraging you to play games with you man. Or your potential man. All that crap does is cloud the water and get people hurt. So by telling you to back off a little bit, I'm not saying "play hard to get". But I guess, in a really healthy and not of-the-world way, I kind of am. The reality is that men love the chase. They do. They're hunters by nature, and the pursuit exhilarates them. But today, when women are more empowered than ever {which is awesome, by the way}, we kind of suck at letting them pursue us. I know I do, at least. I wonder why I don't feel like he's trying, and then realize it's because I've never given him the chance. If you're constantly initiating, constantly available, then what opportunity does he ever have to be the man? So maybe you need to calm down a little and put your phone down. Make plans with your girlfriends, he wants you to have a life outside of him {and so should you}. Invest in the things that are important to you, further your talents and passions, get absorbed in a good book, learn more about who you are outside of him. If you're dating, go home at the end of the night rather than staying over {partially just because that's healthy...}, because if you're never gone, he can't ever miss you. Let him chase you.


2. Exactly how much of your self-worth and identity are you getting from him?
This one's touchy, since most girls that are consumed by their boyfriends become banshees at the slightest mention that that may be what they're doing. And I'm allowed to say that because I've been there, done that. You know exactly what I'm talking about, the girl that's let most of her female friendships fall into disarray, spends every waking {and sleeping} moment with her boyfriend, her entire identity staked in this boy. I was that girl, and I remember very vividly just how miserable it was. Because when you're this girl, he's never going to be enough, because he's not supposed to be. And because boys struggle with this far less than girls, he's not going to need you as much as you need him, which will wreck you and leave you wondering why you're spending Saturday night at home alone while he's out with his guy friends. And can I tell you how unattractive this trait is to men? Don't let the chauvinistic "woman in the kitchen" bit fool you, most men want a strong woman, who can stand on her own two feet, and mostly, doesn't find her identity in him. And I know you're in love, and he's wonderful and it's relatively easy to fall into this trap. But you're going to be be constantly disappointed, and always wanting and needing more. Until you can wake up, smell the coffee, and put your self-worth in Jesus, that's just how it's going to be.


3. Are your expectations too high?
We've been set up for failure, I'll give you that. In my personal case, the two culprits are When Harry Met Sally and a Walk to Remember. When Harry Met Sally caused me to believe that some man, some day was going to love me because of all my ridiculous idiosyncrasies, stand in front of me, and give me a speel like Harry gives Sally at the end of the movie. And I really feel as though a Walk to Remember is largely responsible for my past attraction to the "bad boy", and my desire to date boys to fix them and turn them into angels a la Landon Carter. It is possible to set your expectations too high. And even though I just talked a couple weeks ago about not having standards, this is a different problem. This is having expectations dictated by movies and songs and fairy tales. Expectations no real man will ever match up to {do we really want him to? because I'm convinced that realistically, Prince Charming would be a pain in the butt} . And we hold them to these sky-high standards, while we aren't exactly Cinderella ourselves, you know? So maybe you need to remove yourself from the latest chick flick fantasy world, and realize that this man loves you, flaws and all, and he's doing his best to show it.


See? We're a part of the problem too. I'm guilty of doing all of these things to guys I've dated. But in the end, you're just empty and discontent. All three of these issues fall under the umbrella epidemic of not dating like Jesus wants us to. I know the Bible doesn't exactly have books devoted to "how to date", especially not the way we date today, but He does tell us how to live. And when we're dating, it doesn't mean we stop trying to make our lives look like Jesus, you know? I know that I write about dating a lot, and it's because our society has turned it into a war zone, and it's freaking scary. It seems no one's willing to talk about the big, difficult issues. We all want everyone to think we've got it all together, that this dating thing's a breeze {me included}. But until we can all start being real and honest, people are going to keep falling in the same traps we've just climbed out of. So I know some of this might have pricked at you, or made you realize you're kind of being a crazy b-word. That's why I write though, and I can only write this stuff because I daily have to suppress the inner crazy girl.

insta 2012

                                                            

(01/09/12) watching the Tigers lose in style

(01/10/12) God's really been showing off with His sunsets lately

(01/11/12) new iPhone background, hoping it helps me remember

(01/12/12) memory book, new purchase

(01/13/12) first day back, my calves feel like they could pop at any second

(01/14/12) yay old pictures! my first lost tooth

also: 60 followers! so cool! 

 if you're a regular reader (or want to be one), you can subscribe by hitting that little blue button up there

                                           

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4. dance again

Alright. Last one, and then you guys don't have to read about my new year's resolutions any longer! {Except when I update about how great I'm doing at them, right?}It's kind of crazy for me to think that the majority of people in my life today don't associate me with dance in some form or fashion. So, a tiny bit of background is necessary. I come from a ballet family. My great-grandmother, Leila Haller (where I get my middle name from) was a soloist with the Paris Opera Ballet, and upon her return to the states founded her own ballet school in New Orleans-Haller Classique Ballet. Her daughter, my grandmother, would take over, and eventually begin another school in Covington. Her daughter, my mother, would take over the New Orleans school, eventually sell it, and help my grandmother run her school in my hometown of Covington. I started taking classes at the age of 3, and would continue to dance until I graduated high school. Ballet was, and will always be, my first love. For me, it's always been the perfect mixture of finding yourself and losing yourself. Even when I'm out of practice and haven't danced in months, my body knows exactly what it's doing when I walk into that studio. It may not be able to do it quite as well as is used to, but it knows.

When I came to college, I all but abandoned this thing that had been a huge part of my life since I could walk. I contribute part of my quitting to the fact that I'm a ballet snob and knew I would never find another school that held a candle to Haller Classic, and it didn't seem reasonable at the time to drive back and forth every week. But I also let it go because I took my talents and passions for granted. I never knew how much I loved ballet until I quit. I never knew how deep in my soul my connection with it ran until I wasn't doing it anymore. This year, I've been taking an assessment of what's really important to me and what's not. The things that I'm doing because I feel like I'm supposed to be {i.e. social media,  hating my body, etc.} and the things I'm not doing that I want to be {dancing, documenting life better, etc.}I hate that I've abandoned my passions because "I'm too busy". That's such crap. This life is so short, and being in college or having a full time job is really no excuse for not taking part in the things you love. And even more than that, it's a pretty terrible excuse for wasting your God-given talents. I know that that can really come across as a humble-brag, like "look how good at ballet I am!", but I'm not bragging. I'm just acknowledging that God gives us all talents {mine are mostly writing and dancing, give me a paint brush and I'm worthless), and a lot of us are wasting them.

I've been out of the dance game for 4 years, but tomorrow marks my return. I'm going to start making the drive to Covington for class once a week. I'm going to start embracing the passion God placed in me for ballet, and try to find a way to glorify Him through it. I'm really, ridiculously excited about this resolution. So yes, I'm aware that I'm starting to sound a little bit like a motivational speaker (I can only hope that I'll one day be of Matt Foley caliber), but if you're passionate about something, please keep doing it. If you're sitting there realizing you don't have any real passions, this is such an awesome moment to committing yourself to finding one!

Resolution #4: dance again

Is there something you're passionate about that you've abandoned? Ready to go back?

resolution #1: write a book
resolution #2: start a revolution
resolution #3: un-connect

3. un-connect

Facebook, twitter, instagram, blogger, pinterest, klout. Those are the social media outlets that I've been intimately involved in currently. That's a lot. And when I say intimately, I unfortunately mean obsessively. I don't know if I could count the number of times I check facebook, instagram,  and twitter in a day between my desktop and my phone. I'm constantly answering blogger emails, and pinterest kills anytime that might be left. Adding klout to the mix has been fun: oh, a way to measure how effective I am on the internet? Yes please! Sometimes I don't know how J stood it, my face constantly covered by my phone. And I'm missing out on real life. I know I am. It might feel like I'm just keeping up with people & life, but in reality mine is whizzing by me. The thing about all of these outlets is that, used healthily, they're great additions to a social butterfly like myself's life. Facebook to keep me up with the friends I probably would be out of touch with by now, twitter keeps me in touch with the people I'm closely doing life with. Instagram is a fun way to see peoples' lives through pictures, blogger allows me to share my heart, and pinterest makes me feel more creative than I ever have. Klout's just an ego boost, let's be real. But I needed to learn how to use them healthily. I've contemplated deactivating my facebook, but I know I'd be back in a couple of days {I know because I've tried & failed}.

So what does healthy look like? Like most things, I think it starts with a heart change. For starters, to stop using social media as a form of constant validation through comments, likes, responses, retweets, etc. I think that's probably the most unhealthy effect of being too plugged in, it drives my people pleasing personality type into over-drive and out of control. I spend far too much time trying to figure out if I'm witty enough and searching for validation in the response of others. It's an easy target for Satan to use to draw me away from finding my complete worth in the Savior, and looking around me for that validation. I know that probably sounds a little extreme to some of you, but if you really think about it, why do we post facebook statuses and twitter updates and pictures? Usually, so that people will respond, right? It's making me miss out on life. On precious time with J. On being a part of what's happening around me, as I have my eyes glued to my phone's screen. I'm so deeply {yet still distantly} involved in everyone else's life that I forget to take part in mine.

 I've majorly cut back. I no longer use twitter {but can't bring myself to delete my account. what if I have something super epic to share?!}, and am keeping facebook only to share blog updates, because it seems to be where the most people find it. And you know what, it's fantastic. It doesn't feel forced like previous attempts at simplicity. I don't find I have any real desire to check up on social media anymore. Come to find out, un-connecting yourself from being deeply involved in everyone else's lives and updates gives you a second to breathe and be a part of yours. I've read four books already this year. J and I have had some really great, uninterrupted conversations, and I honestly feel a little bit more human now. A little less nosy, and-if we're being real honest here-far less offended on a regular basis. It hasn't been as easy as expected, being that deep in a habit makes it even more difficult to break. But it's worth it.

Resolution #3: big cutbacks on social media

What about you? Does this strike a chord of truth in your life?

resolution 1: write a book
resolution 2: start a revolution

awkward + awesome wednesday

awkward:
-On a scale of 1 to 10, how awkward is it that I spent the hours between 5 and 10 last night intermittently watching Big Bang Theory and reading the Mockingjay? That much time spent with Sheldon Cooper can take a real toll on already impaired social skills...
-The moment you realize that your undefeated, number 1 Tigers have quit even trying to win the National Championship about 3 minutes into the second half. And all the really pitiful noises I made the whole game. That's all I have to say about that.
-I've been inexplicably tired since Saturday, and Blake doesn't function well tired. So there have been lots of "huh?"s and completely missing people talking to me and staring into space. My coworkers can't decide if it's funny or annoying. I think they're leaning towards annoying.
-Going out with some girlfriends, having a grand old time, until some man grabs you by the arms as you leave and shouts "why are you leaving?!" in your face. Complete stranger. And then proceeds to follow you to the next bar and creepily stand around until a guy friend scares him off. What the heck?!
-I'm currently trying to sell my car {you know you want to buy it...}, and it has quickly forced me to come to terms with the fact that I'm not so good at small talk with strangers. I speak in these jolting, awkward sentences and do that weird "huh huh" laugh that I've really been trying to make stop. I'm pretty sure that's why no one's bought it....

awesome:
-Will y'all hate me if I say that it's a little awesome that the holidays are over? I feel like my life became an episode of the Twilight Zone on Thanksgiving and didn't return to normal until recently.
-{!!super crazy cheesy sentence alert!!} You know all those cliches you see and hear about falling in love and how you fall in love with someone all over again every day and it makes you a better person and they complete you and blah blah blah? Yeah...they're all true. It's pretty awesome.
-I realized yesterday that almost everyone in my office calls me little bit. "Little bit did that", "where you going little bit?", "oh there's little bit!". I won't lie, I kind of super love it.
-Having resolutions this year that aren't superficial and unrealistic, but actually motivate me to further myself and be the person I want to be. I do really well with goals {I hate failing}. I think 2012's going to be an awesome year.
-All-but-quitting social media. There's more on this coming tomorrow {it's one of my resolutions}, but I have to say, pretty much ceasing use of Twitter and mostly keeping Facebook as an outlet for this blog has been my favorite resolution yet. A simple life, y'all. Simple life.

2. start a revoultion

As women in today's society {and yes, men too}, we're taught pretty early in life to hate our bodies. Not to simply dislike parts of it, or wish to better ourselves, but to hate it. To spend every waking moment wishing we looked a different way and constantly harboring disdain for ourselves that we don't look more tight, more slim, more supermodel . We beat ourselves up over every piece of pizza, every hamburger, every glass of wine, every work out skipped. Some of us go as far as to harm ourselves in the name of being skinny, and therefore, "beautiful". But on the inside, we're ugly, and trapped on a self-made merry-go-round of misery. I don't think I can even begin to delve into where this issue finds its roots. Is it all the media's fault? What part does Satan play in our body image demise? To what degree is it just a well-contained desire to be healthy, and when does it cross over into hate and obsession? There are a lot of questions that go hand-in-hand with this issue, but that's not what I want to talk about.

What I want is a revolution. I'll be real honest, I 100% fall into the category of women previously mentioned. I hate my body on a pretty regular basis. I go to a get-together like I did last night {for the disastrous LSU game that I do not want to talk about} and enjoy eating for about 2.5 seconds. After that it's  "are you really eating this, Blake? You know you skipped your workout to come straight here. And now you're going to load up? You know this is why your'e so huge..." Holy self-destruction, Batman! I look at tall, skinny girls as they walk by and beat myself up, and mourn the fact that it's just not in my 5'2", curvy DNA to ever look like that. I go to the gym and try to distance myself from the girl going full speed on her treadmill and attempt not to focus on the fact that her butt isn't jiggling even a little. And we all do it. To some degree, we pick ourselves apart every day. All we can see when we look in the mirror is our blaring imperfections, the things that need to change. Even the tall, skinny, pretty girls make side comments about their flabby arms or big feet or whatever pretty people complain about...

I want to take ownership of the fact that my identity will never lie in a number on a scale or a pant size or the way that I look. I desperately want to stop hating my body, and myself in the process. I want to stop obsessing over it, to stop letting it ruin my day, my meals, & my life. I want to stop looking to the people around me for some sad validation that "you're not fat! you're beautiful!" I want to enjoy the doughnut my coworker brought to work, and not tell myself I'll have to skip lunch because of it. But more than just stopping the hate, I want to start loving this body I've been blessed with. I want to walk by a mirror as I'm getting dressed and have involuntary "damn girl..."s escape my lips. I want to accept compliments from J for what they are, rather then telling myself that he's just trying to make me feel better. I want to stop comparing myself to other women, and finally, finally be comfortable in my own skin. And it want it to be a revolution. I want women across the world to stop the hate as well. From now on, I will talk to myself as someone I love, and not the enemy.

Resolution #2: start a revolution, stop hating your body.

{resolution 1 here}

 {01/03/12} sunset at BR beach with the best friend

{01/04/12} my Hunger Games obsession caused me to take an hour long bath

{01/05/12} started a painting

{01/06/12} had fried chicken. and thought my arteries were going to permanently clog

{01/07/12} double date night with some of our favorites

{01/08/12}i love our little fridge covered in cards and save-the dates

run for cover

I give you my favorite youtube covers. They're pretty fantastic. Happy Friday!

Super Bass -the Shures


Someone Like You -Charlie Puth & Emily Luther


Hallelujah -Michael Henry & Justin Robinett
Michael Jackson Medley -Sam Tsui & Kurt Schneider

1. write a book

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I was super tentative about publishing my New Year's Resolutions. 1. Because I feel like it's a very cliche thing to do, and we all know how I feel about mainstream & cliche {hint: I'm not a fan}, and 2. Because this is the first year in about 10 years that I've made resolutions {or goals, as I prefer to call them} that actually mean something to me. That's why I kind of love this definition of resolute. Resolutions are so often something that people make at the beginning of the year, they join a gym, they buy a journal, and by March, it's dissolved into a distant memory. That's why I quit making goals a long time ago, I realized I had the attention span of a 6 year old when it came to bettering myself, and I was tired of failing. But this year, these things are very near and dear to me. There things about myself I would really like to grow in, or things I really want to do without allowing fear to hold me back. 

You'd think after all this time of putting myself out there on the blog, the nerves of doing so wouldn't exsist anymore. But oh, they do. And really, it's usually easier to talk about my opinion of something than it is to put my hopes and dreams out there. But you just never know when they're going to inspire someone else. Plus, putting them on the World Wide Web means I really have to do them, no one wants to fail on the internet. So, never being one to half-ass anything, I'll just share the biggest, most scary resolution I set this year first, k?

I want to write a book. Really, I want to take my most poignant blogs, add to them, write some more, and publish them. A book in the vein of Tina Fey's Bossypants or Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, but I guess really, totally different. I just want to write a book that Christian and non-Christian girls {or guys. whatever.} can pick up and read, and it shoots them straight. One that talks about the hard stuff that they've thought about, but never knew who to talk to about it. A book that addresses lust and sex and relationships and body image and growing up in a way that doesn't just leave you going huh? like most "Christian" books these days do. A book to tear through all the super awful lies, stereotypes, and misdirections that are constantly thrown our way these days. Something to make you question the things you've always just believed and bought into, and never taken a second look at. I want to write something that doesn't tell you to Kiss Dating Goodbye, but rather talks about how to do it healthily. 


I've been through a lot, I've walked through a lot of crap and hard times. And it'd be really easy for me to go into poor-pitiful-me mode and ask God why? And let's be real, I did that for a really long time. But this blog brought me back from that and made me realize that maybe I've walked through all that darkness so I can help be a light for other people who are walking through it, you know? He gifted me with the ability to write, and to be open, and I'd be wasting my gifts if I didn't push forward. So, why am I so afraid to do the dang thing and publish a book? There are a couple. The normal fear of failure, I think I'm less worried about people buying my book, and more terrified of giving it to a publisher and them telling me it's crap. I'm afraid people will think it's very prideful of me to think my writings should even be published. And also, the blogging world's big, but it's not as big as the book world. I'm equal parts afraid of getting eaten alive and disappearing into the masses. But it's #1 on the resolution list, and now it's on the internet, so it looks like I've got to do it, huh? 

So, resolution #1: write a book. I made 4 this year. The rest will come in the following weeks. And as always, thanks for coming along with me. 

awkward + awesome wednesday: the pinterest edition

Y'all. My brain is fried {so fried that the first 3 times I typed that I typed "friend"}. I'm tired and not feeling creative or awkward at all. But, thankfully, pinterest never sleeps, so I bring you 

awkward + awesome: the pinterest edition! You can click on any of the pictures to make them larger.

awkward:

awesome:

Oh, and you can follow me on pinterest by following the link up there {that's spelled wrong. cute.}