4. dance again

Alright. Last one, and then you guys don't have to read about my new year's resolutions any longer! {Except when I update about how great I'm doing at them, right?}It's kind of crazy for me to think that the majority of people in my life today don't associate me with dance in some form or fashion. So, a tiny bit of background is necessary. I come from a ballet family. My great-grandmother, Leila Haller (where I get my middle name from) was a soloist with the Paris Opera Ballet, and upon her return to the states founded her own ballet school in New Orleans-Haller Classique Ballet. Her daughter, my grandmother, would take over, and eventually begin another school in Covington. Her daughter, my mother, would take over the New Orleans school, eventually sell it, and help my grandmother run her school in my hometown of Covington. I started taking classes at the age of 3, and would continue to dance until I graduated high school. Ballet was, and will always be, my first love. For me, it's always been the perfect mixture of finding yourself and losing yourself. Even when I'm out of practice and haven't danced in months, my body knows exactly what it's doing when I walk into that studio. It may not be able to do it quite as well as is used to, but it knows.

When I came to college, I all but abandoned this thing that had been a huge part of my life since I could walk. I contribute part of my quitting to the fact that I'm a ballet snob and knew I would never find another school that held a candle to Haller Classic, and it didn't seem reasonable at the time to drive back and forth every week. But I also let it go because I took my talents and passions for granted. I never knew how much I loved ballet until I quit. I never knew how deep in my soul my connection with it ran until I wasn't doing it anymore. This year, I've been taking an assessment of what's really important to me and what's not. The things that I'm doing because I feel like I'm supposed to be {i.e. social media,  hating my body, etc.} and the things I'm not doing that I want to be {dancing, documenting life better, etc.}I hate that I've abandoned my passions because "I'm too busy". That's such crap. This life is so short, and being in college or having a full time job is really no excuse for not taking part in the things you love. And even more than that, it's a pretty terrible excuse for wasting your God-given talents. I know that that can really come across as a humble-brag, like "look how good at ballet I am!", but I'm not bragging. I'm just acknowledging that God gives us all talents {mine are mostly writing and dancing, give me a paint brush and I'm worthless), and a lot of us are wasting them.

I've been out of the dance game for 4 years, but tomorrow marks my return. I'm going to start making the drive to Covington for class once a week. I'm going to start embracing the passion God placed in me for ballet, and try to find a way to glorify Him through it. I'm really, ridiculously excited about this resolution. So yes, I'm aware that I'm starting to sound a little bit like a motivational speaker (I can only hope that I'll one day be of Matt Foley caliber), but if you're passionate about something, please keep doing it. If you're sitting there realizing you don't have any real passions, this is such an awesome moment to committing yourself to finding one!

Resolution #4: dance again

Is there something you're passionate about that you've abandoned? Ready to go back?

resolution #1: write a book
resolution #2: start a revolution
resolution #3: un-connect

3. un-connect

Facebook, twitter, instagram, blogger, pinterest, klout. Those are the social media outlets that I've been intimately involved in currently. That's a lot. And when I say intimately, I unfortunately mean obsessively. I don't know if I could count the number of times I check facebook, instagram,  and twitter in a day between my desktop and my phone. I'm constantly answering blogger emails, and pinterest kills anytime that might be left. Adding klout to the mix has been fun: oh, a way to measure how effective I am on the internet? Yes please! Sometimes I don't know how J stood it, my face constantly covered by my phone. And I'm missing out on real life. I know I am. It might feel like I'm just keeping up with people & life, but in reality mine is whizzing by me. The thing about all of these outlets is that, used healthily, they're great additions to a social butterfly like myself's life. Facebook to keep me up with the friends I probably would be out of touch with by now, twitter keeps me in touch with the people I'm closely doing life with. Instagram is a fun way to see peoples' lives through pictures, blogger allows me to share my heart, and pinterest makes me feel more creative than I ever have. Klout's just an ego boost, let's be real. But I needed to learn how to use them healthily. I've contemplated deactivating my facebook, but I know I'd be back in a couple of days {I know because I've tried & failed}.

So what does healthy look like? Like most things, I think it starts with a heart change. For starters, to stop using social media as a form of constant validation through comments, likes, responses, retweets, etc. I think that's probably the most unhealthy effect of being too plugged in, it drives my people pleasing personality type into over-drive and out of control. I spend far too much time trying to figure out if I'm witty enough and searching for validation in the response of others. It's an easy target for Satan to use to draw me away from finding my complete worth in the Savior, and looking around me for that validation. I know that probably sounds a little extreme to some of you, but if you really think about it, why do we post facebook statuses and twitter updates and pictures? Usually, so that people will respond, right? It's making me miss out on life. On precious time with J. On being a part of what's happening around me, as I have my eyes glued to my phone's screen. I'm so deeply {yet still distantly} involved in everyone else's life that I forget to take part in mine.

 I've majorly cut back. I no longer use twitter {but can't bring myself to delete my account. what if I have something super epic to share?!}, and am keeping facebook only to share blog updates, because it seems to be where the most people find it. And you know what, it's fantastic. It doesn't feel forced like previous attempts at simplicity. I don't find I have any real desire to check up on social media anymore. Come to find out, un-connecting yourself from being deeply involved in everyone else's lives and updates gives you a second to breathe and be a part of yours. I've read four books already this year. J and I have had some really great, uninterrupted conversations, and I honestly feel a little bit more human now. A little less nosy, and-if we're being real honest here-far less offended on a regular basis. It hasn't been as easy as expected, being that deep in a habit makes it even more difficult to break. But it's worth it.

Resolution #3: big cutbacks on social media

What about you? Does this strike a chord of truth in your life?

resolution 1: write a book
resolution 2: start a revolution

2. start a revoultion

As women in today's society {and yes, men too}, we're taught pretty early in life to hate our bodies. Not to simply dislike parts of it, or wish to better ourselves, but to hate it. To spend every waking moment wishing we looked a different way and constantly harboring disdain for ourselves that we don't look more tight, more slim, more supermodel . We beat ourselves up over every piece of pizza, every hamburger, every glass of wine, every work out skipped. Some of us go as far as to harm ourselves in the name of being skinny, and therefore, "beautiful". But on the inside, we're ugly, and trapped on a self-made merry-go-round of misery. I don't think I can even begin to delve into where this issue finds its roots. Is it all the media's fault? What part does Satan play in our body image demise? To what degree is it just a well-contained desire to be healthy, and when does it cross over into hate and obsession? There are a lot of questions that go hand-in-hand with this issue, but that's not what I want to talk about.

What I want is a revolution. I'll be real honest, I 100% fall into the category of women previously mentioned. I hate my body on a pretty regular basis. I go to a get-together like I did last night {for the disastrous LSU game that I do not want to talk about} and enjoy eating for about 2.5 seconds. After that it's  "are you really eating this, Blake? You know you skipped your workout to come straight here. And now you're going to load up? You know this is why your'e so huge..." Holy self-destruction, Batman! I look at tall, skinny girls as they walk by and beat myself up, and mourn the fact that it's just not in my 5'2", curvy DNA to ever look like that. I go to the gym and try to distance myself from the girl going full speed on her treadmill and attempt not to focus on the fact that her butt isn't jiggling even a little. And we all do it. To some degree, we pick ourselves apart every day. All we can see when we look in the mirror is our blaring imperfections, the things that need to change. Even the tall, skinny, pretty girls make side comments about their flabby arms or big feet or whatever pretty people complain about...

I want to take ownership of the fact that my identity will never lie in a number on a scale or a pant size or the way that I look. I desperately want to stop hating my body, and myself in the process. I want to stop obsessing over it, to stop letting it ruin my day, my meals, & my life. I want to stop looking to the people around me for some sad validation that "you're not fat! you're beautiful!" I want to enjoy the doughnut my coworker brought to work, and not tell myself I'll have to skip lunch because of it. But more than just stopping the hate, I want to start loving this body I've been blessed with. I want to walk by a mirror as I'm getting dressed and have involuntary "damn girl..."s escape my lips. I want to accept compliments from J for what they are, rather then telling myself that he's just trying to make me feel better. I want to stop comparing myself to other women, and finally, finally be comfortable in my own skin. And it want it to be a revolution. I want women across the world to stop the hate as well. From now on, I will talk to myself as someone I love, and not the enemy.

Resolution #2: start a revolution, stop hating your body.

{resolution 1 here}

1. write a book

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I was super tentative about publishing my New Year's Resolutions. 1. Because I feel like it's a very cliche thing to do, and we all know how I feel about mainstream & cliche {hint: I'm not a fan}, and 2. Because this is the first year in about 10 years that I've made resolutions {or goals, as I prefer to call them} that actually mean something to me. That's why I kind of love this definition of resolute. Resolutions are so often something that people make at the beginning of the year, they join a gym, they buy a journal, and by March, it's dissolved into a distant memory. That's why I quit making goals a long time ago, I realized I had the attention span of a 6 year old when it came to bettering myself, and I was tired of failing. But this year, these things are very near and dear to me. There things about myself I would really like to grow in, or things I really want to do without allowing fear to hold me back. 

You'd think after all this time of putting myself out there on the blog, the nerves of doing so wouldn't exsist anymore. But oh, they do. And really, it's usually easier to talk about my opinion of something than it is to put my hopes and dreams out there. But you just never know when they're going to inspire someone else. Plus, putting them on the World Wide Web means I really have to do them, no one wants to fail on the internet. So, never being one to half-ass anything, I'll just share the biggest, most scary resolution I set this year first, k?

I want to write a book. Really, I want to take my most poignant blogs, add to them, write some more, and publish them. A book in the vein of Tina Fey's Bossypants or Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, but I guess really, totally different. I just want to write a book that Christian and non-Christian girls {or guys. whatever.} can pick up and read, and it shoots them straight. One that talks about the hard stuff that they've thought about, but never knew who to talk to about it. A book that addresses lust and sex and relationships and body image and growing up in a way that doesn't just leave you going huh? like most "Christian" books these days do. A book to tear through all the super awful lies, stereotypes, and misdirections that are constantly thrown our way these days. Something to make you question the things you've always just believed and bought into, and never taken a second look at. I want to write something that doesn't tell you to Kiss Dating Goodbye, but rather talks about how to do it healthily. 


I've been through a lot, I've walked through a lot of crap and hard times. And it'd be really easy for me to go into poor-pitiful-me mode and ask God why? And let's be real, I did that for a really long time. But this blog brought me back from that and made me realize that maybe I've walked through all that darkness so I can help be a light for other people who are walking through it, you know? He gifted me with the ability to write, and to be open, and I'd be wasting my gifts if I didn't push forward. So, why am I so afraid to do the dang thing and publish a book? There are a couple. The normal fear of failure, I think I'm less worried about people buying my book, and more terrified of giving it to a publisher and them telling me it's crap. I'm afraid people will think it's very prideful of me to think my writings should even be published. And also, the blogging world's big, but it's not as big as the book world. I'm equal parts afraid of getting eaten alive and disappearing into the masses. But it's #1 on the resolution list, and now it's on the internet, so it looks like I've got to do it, huh? 

So, resolution #1: write a book. I made 4 this year. The rest will come in the following weeks. And as always, thanks for coming along with me.