sex: why i'm waiting

Remember that time I wrote that post about being a virgin and refusing to be ashamed about it? I want to talk about it again. This time, why. Why I've chosen to stay a virgin until I get married. [Let me slip in a disclaimer real quick before I get started: if you read this and you didn't wait, please don't think I'm sitting up on my big celibate throne casting judgment down on all you sex-havers. Please. Not the case. I just want to outline why I've waited for all the people who don't get it.]

And there's lots of people who don't get it. If I'm being honest, I still have moments where my flesh totally takes over and I don't totally get it. But over the years, becoming more and more open with my decision to stay a virgin until I'm married, I think I've started to understand, a little, God's intentions for wanting us to wait, and been able to come up with my own reasons.

God doesn't want us to abstain because he's a mean, fun-hating deity who thinks it's hilarious to make the creatures he created with passions and sex-drives not have sex. His desire for our purity is for our betterment. And yes, there are the commonly known reasons: emotional baggage & scaring, the consequences that can occur within your body. But there's more. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the people who have chosen to stay virgins until marriage don’t even have that kind of mindset. There are plenty of people out there who, when asked, would probably say they don’t have sex “because it’s in the Bible”. Because it’s what God said to do. And to me, that’s a pretty empty reason to make such a huge decision. The choice to wait till you get married isn’t necessarily an easy one. Like I said in my previous post, I think a lot of people look at us and wonder what’s wrong with us? Why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with us? Completely negating the fact that it may be a choice we’ve made. So allow me to attempt to convey the way that God has reshaped my heart on remaining a virgin until marriage.

My name signed on "true love waits" a card at a conference, a purity ring my father put on my finger when I was 13, and a slightly unhealthy love for a boy I never dated are what got me through high school a virgin. Well, that, and an absolutely debilitating fear of getting pregnant. Plus, I honestly just didn’t have a whole lot of interest in letting a boy stick a part of his body in mine, thank you very much. It wasn’t until I graduated and moved away to college, where God would capture my heart and begin to reshape my view on absolutely everything, that my virginity became something I treasured. It wasn’t until then that I realized that if I could hold out even longer, I was going to get to give my husband something that not many girls my age had to offer any more. And by that, I don’t simply mean the act of having sex for the first time. When I get married, my husband is going to be the first and only person that my soul has been joined with by an act ordained by God for the marriage bed. He will be the first and only person that I will become one with. And it’s going to be awesome.

I’m waiting because sex means more to me than our society wants it to. In a place where literally everywhere you turn is another sexual innuendo, another naked woman; sex has become a tool. It’s a way to get people to buy things. It’s a way to manipulate, distort, and disguise. Here, on this earth, sex is just not a big deal. Every movie we watch is filled to the brim with it, every song we hear, and a fair amount of our conversation is laced with it as well. It's a commonality that people breathe in as easily as they do air. It has lost all meaning. But it’s more than that to me. I've waited to have sex because one day, I’m going to be someone’s wife. Someone who knows all my quirks and oddities and loves me still. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone I trust indefinitely, with absolutely every part of me. Someone who keeps my easily fleeting feet on the ground, but still pushes me to soar. A man who points me back to Jesus in every situation. Someone I love with every fiber of my being. Someone who has, and will continue to carry me through the dark and hard days with joy and love. I’ll be married to my best friend, a man I would die for and who would do the same for me. And he will be the only person I ever want to have sex with. And there will be no fear, no shame, no timidity. I'll be his wife, and he'll be my husband, and we will trust each other completely. It won't be a one night stand laced with distaste and fear and insecurity. And it won't be sex with my boyfriend [of no matter how long], with whom I've rationalized it's okay because we know we're going to marry one another or because it's just what people do. 

It'll be sex with my husband. The only man I'll ever have sex with for the rest of my life. And there will be no need to be ashamed or embarrassed, because he will love every part of me because it's a part of me. We'll work through the awkwardness together. And I won't have to worry that he's going to slip out in the night because...he's already home. And I won't have to worry that one day the love and sex will end because he's over me, because we've made a covenant before God that it's me and him forever.


So yes, I’ve waited and am waiting because it’s what my Savior asks of and desires for me. And it's what's best for my heart and my body.

But I’m also waiting because it’s what I want. 

Because I want mind-blowing sex with one man, with my best friend, with the one with whom my soul rests, for the rest of my life.

the women who love men who love porn

Let's be real. Everyone's uncomfortable right now. I know, and I'm sorry. But the purpose of Fearless has become to talk about the things that no one will talk about. So let's do this. Deep breaths.{disclaimer: this isn't about my relationships. k? I don't want this to look like I'm dragging anyone's personal struggles through the mud. read it objectively.}

I remember the first time I encountered porn on the internet. I was the tender age of 9, & it was in a pop up as I was searching the internet for pictures of my current hero, Tara Lipinksi {ice skater. anyone? anyway..} It scared the hell out of me. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I knew it wasn't okay. I quickly clicked out of it, shut the computer down, and walked away. I didn't talk to anyone about it...I didn't know it was, so I didn't know what to talk to them about. I wouldn't have any further contact with porn outside of the occasional pop-up {which still gives me heart palpitations} for the years to come. And for that I am thankful & blessed.

There are plenty of women out there who struggle with porn, even though it's heavily considered a man's world. But that's not really something I can shed a whole lot of light on. What I can talk about is the effect porn has on the women who love men who look at it. Let's just cut straight to the chase, it wrecks women.  I'm not usually a big statistics spitter, but in this case, a few seem necessary. In 2011, porn was a 13 million dollar industry. An average of 260 new sites go up daily. Every second, 28,258 people are watching porn online. And this is the one that makes me feel like I'm going to throw up: on average, boys start watching porn at 11. Eleven.

So if you start watching porn at eleven, and enter your first serious relationship at say, 20, you have 9 years worth of degradation of sex and women under your belt already. Because that's what porn does. It takes a beautiful, God-created thing and demeans it to a simple act for your viewing & self-satisfying pleasure. And deny it all day, but it changes the way you look at women. It turns them into worthless play things, useful for only one thing. It wrecks you, and it wrecks the woman who loves you.

Every woman I've ever talked to that found out their significant other was looking at porn has said the same two sentences. "I feel like I got cheated on", & "I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm never going to look like those girls".

"I feel like I got cheated on"

Because you did. Maybe he didn't go out to a bar and hit up some girl and then take her home, but he may as well have. He found pleasure from a woman that's not you {if you're not married, that's not your job yet either, but that just means it's no one's job at the moment}. And regardless of if he's your boyfriend or husband, it's going to be really hard to shake the reality that now, any time things do get intimate, he's got some other female's body in his brain. Very few men I've encountered really understand the tenuity of a woman & her sexuality. I know some of you girls are going to want to drop kick me for this, but we're rather delicate creatures. Hell yea we're strong & hard workers & capable of doing life right along with you, but we're not quite as hard as the rough-and-tumble men we love. So this crap devastates us. And it breaks us. And it makes us not trust you. And it makes us feel cheated.

"I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm never going to look like those girls". 

But you are. You are good enough. And no, you probably don't look like those girls, but that's so more than okay. In actuality, it's preferable, isn't it? As if my heart didn't already break enough for the women caught up in the porn industry, the realization that it's unlikely that very many of them look anything like their real selves anymore is so saddening. Pumped full of silicone & fillers, these women are shadows of the people they used to be, in both the emotional and physical. So no, your measurements aren't 36DD/22/30, but you know you're beautiful. And whole. And loved. You can't let your partner's mistakes destroy who you are as a person. Plus, if you're in a truly loving relationship {because I can't find it in myself to say that because your partner struggles with pornography you have no hope and are doomed}, your external beauty isn't the only thing that draws your man to you. It's your genuineness, your faithfulness, your laugh, your oddities, your fire. Those are things he's never going to find in the women behind the screen. He loves you more than he enjoys the feeling those women give him. Now he needs to prove it.

Today, porn gets chalked up to just something dudes do. Like it's just normal & okay. I know I thought that way for a long time. But as God redeemed my views on sexuality, He also redeemed my view of our culture's mastication of it. We are a desensitized society, proficient in the ways of that's just how it is. But it's not. Or it shouldn't be. There is redemption at hand. There is a revolution taking place of men relearning how to be men. I can feel it and it's exciting. And they need their women to be rallying behind them, just like we need them behind us reminding us that we are not of this world, but of Christ. Moving forward from a partner's pornography habits is hard, but it's possible. It takes a lot of forgiveness and prayer and allowing yourself to feel hurt, but not staying there. Refusing to allow your identity tank, but instead choosing to place your existence in your Savior rather than the man you love's mistakes. It takes change on his part, it takes the reestablishment of trust {which is so hard, but worth it}, and most of all it just takes Jesus.

"And through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy & blameless & above reproach before Him." -Colassians 1:20-22

what 2011 taught me about love

Just because you've been together a while, doesn't mean it all goes to crap. In my last relationship, I told myself that it was normal that we were as miserable as we were together. We've been together two years, I guess this is just how it is. Never mind that I have parents who have been together upwards of 25 years and are very obviously not miserable. People who are meant to be together don't get miserable after 2 years, they get better. They are more in love than the beginning & work better than they ever did. If you're unhappy at that point, it's probably because you just don't work together. And that's freaking hard to accept. But after only two years, you shouldn't be fighting this much, you shouldn't feel like strangers, you shouldn't feel worthless & unloved. Actually...you should never feel that way in your relationship.{read the post on this here.}

Sometimes you have to walk away. This is probably one of the biggest lessons I learned in 2011 in general, not even specifically in love. Quitting anything doesn't come easy for me, even when it should. And especially not quitting a person I've poured into for 2 years. But at some point, enough is enough. At some point, it's just abuse & you're making a conscious decision to stay. I am now a firm believer in the validity of the cliche "you're so deep in the forest you can't see the trees", but am thankful for a God who opens eyes & restores broken hearts. A God who makes it easy to walk away because it's His desire for your heart to be full & healed. I never thought it'd be so painless to walk away from a 2 year long relationship, but after the initial tears, there were no more. There was actually joy & peace that I hadn't felt in months. And for the first time in 2 years, I feel like me again. Not the crushed & insecure me I had been, but the me my Father has always intended me to be. And all I had to do was walk away. {read the post on this here.}

Giving in to sexual temptation will destroy your relationship. You don't think it will, I know. I didn't. You think it's making you closer, it's something only the two of you share, it makes you feel all desirable and loved. But it's actually ripping you apart from the inside out because you're not married & you're sinning. It creates scars & walls & most of all keeps the two of you from reaching your real potential as a couple. You're so focused on the physical part of your relationship, you miss out on the beauty of getting to know one another. You're so distracted by when are we going to make out? how far is it going to go? that you forget to talk and learn about one another and fall in love. You're only hurting yourselves. It twists what sexuality is really supposed to be and leaves you with this whacked out mentality that takes some serious redemption by Jesus, & lots of baggage. No one seems to want to talk about this, but the reality is that it needs to be talked about because we're clueless, & we're killing our relationships. {read the post on this here.}

Love really is patient, kind, not envious, arrogant, or rude. It really does bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, & endure all things. This was another big one. I had really great examples of love in my life from my parents, but parental love is different from relationship love, and you kind of have to learn it on your own. So if the first person you fall in love with doesn't know how to really love someone either, it's unlikely that you learn that love looks like this. In fact, it probably ends up looking pretty much opposite of this. But thankfully, Jesus can redeem your definition of love. He can teach you how to love the way He loves, unconditionally. And then you fall in love with someone who puts others before himself & who is more in love with Jesus than he is with you or himself & your world gets rocked a little bit more every day. And between him & your growing relationship with Christ, you start to redefine love from a fuzzy feeling and a toleration of someone's annoyances to 1 Corinthians 13. And let me just tell you, loving someone with Jesus at the center of it is a whole different ball game. It's a completely different feeling. It has it's roots in Biblical truth & is the most stable, certain thing I've ever felt.

You have to talk about it. I love to talk, if you can't tell. I'm a big communicator. But after two years of every conversation turning into an argument, I learned to keep my opinions within a relationship to myself. But J's not having any of that. The first few months of our relationship were full of awkward {because I made them awkward} encounters about things we needed to talk about. Lots of me shutting down out of fear, lots of me saying "I really don't want to talk about this" & lots of him responding with "I don't care, talk to me." But he never got frustrated {okay, maybe a little}, he was always understanding but firm that we were going to talk about things when they need to be talked about. And our relationship is so much better for it. And now, it's almost easy for me to bring things up when they're bothering me. Almost.

There are still good men out there. I had my doubts. Even though I have lots of friends in love with wonderful men, married to wonderful men, & I have a father that daily exemplifies Christ's love for me-I had my doubts. I guess I more had a lack of confidence that there was still a good man out there for me. I had never really had one, a few here and there, but they hadn't stayed long. I'd mostly fallen for jerks who were too selfish to even notice me or my needs, and I had resigned to the fact that that was probably the kind of man I was going to end up with {and so had my best friend. poor girl, watching me date all these idiots.} And then there was J. The best man I've ever met. He's not perfect, but neither am I. And he loves me in a way that reminds me of my daddy and my Jesus. He restored my faith in man-kind. And I seriously pray that every one of my single friends finds a man like J, because every woman deserves a man like that. {read the post on this here.}

virgins: the silent minority

So, uh..I have a question.

When did being a virgin become so stinking uncool?

If you follow me on twitter, you saw that I tweeted the other day about the preview for the new TLC show "Virgin Diaries". Google it if you dare. I die. I can't even bring myself to link to it here. What our society has done to virginity {&, let's be real, sexuality in its entirety} just totally bums me out. It's kind of hard to believe that there used to be a day where it was something that was treasured and praised. That it was a desired trait in a mate. And even more shocking, not just for females. You mean there was a day where a man waited to have sex until he got married and wasn't shamed and ridiculed for it? Um...I want to go to there. Because we sure ain't there now {...40 Year Old Virgin, anyone? Most painful movie to watch ever?}

But it's not just men being slammed for waiting. It's us women too. I won't lie, I get a certain amount of pleasure out of peoples' reaction when they find out I'm waiting till I get married to have sex. A well-adjusted, relatively attractive female, in a committed relationship with an equally well adjusted and devastatingly handsome man...not having sex? It's fun watching their brain rattle around for a second before they respond. And if it's a guy, usually the response is "that's so cool. I really respect that." Which most the time is code for "Damn. If you change your mind, I'm your man." In a world where everywhere you turn, stereotypes are being enforced {thanks TLC for making it look like everyone who waits till they get married also eats their wife's face for their first kiss}, virginity is just plain lame. No wonder 16 year olds are auctioning off their first time on eBay for upwards of $27,000. No wonder there are kids 10 years younger than me that think I'm a total loser because they've had sex and I haven't.

I'm supposed to be embarrassed. I'm supposed to feel lame and incomplete, and want desperately to change this about myself. I'm supposed to awkwardly stammer through my explanation that I'm waiting until I get married to have sex, that I'm a 23 year old virgin. I'm supposed to have no concept of sexuality, or for that matter..social interaction in general. I'm supposed to think there's something wrong with me, and adhere to the society wide belief that I haven't had sex because no one has wanted to. But I can promise you that's just completely untrue.

I'm so proud that I've made it 23 years. Close to 18 of them with no concrete relationship with God holding me to purity, only an all-consuming fear of getting pregnant. I'm proud that I made it 4 years in the public school system {even though the rumor mill would have you believe I slept with God knows how many people}. Proud that I made it 4 years in college, 2 of them in a super serious relationship. I'm proud that I'm a normal, functioning member of society with a perfectly functioning sex-drive that has decided that sex is intended for the confines of marriage and has and is waiting until then to partake.

I'm so sick of being made to feel like a fool when the topic of sex comes up in secular situations and I have nothing to contribute. Sick of constant lies that are thrown in the faces of those who are choosing sexual purity over desensitization. And I'm sick of the fact that that's exactly the way society wants it to be. And I'm so tired of feeling like I should be quiet about my choice. Why are we are such a silent minority? "May the voice of the sexually pure rise up against the clamoring voice of the over-sexualized". It's time to reclaim the dignified place in society that we deserve. I will no longer be made to feel a fool because I choose sexual purity. I mean, I'm not saying we should make t-shirts or wear signs around our necks. But I will wear my purity ring as a reminder when it gets a little difficult. And unashamedly answer peoples' questions about why I wear the ring and what it stands for. And when need be, I'm not embarrassed to say "I've never had sex, so I kind of have no idea what you're talking about". There's nothing to be ashamed about here...

"Our society is doing to sex what people who chew with their mouths open do to food."

-Douglas Wilson

Let's chew with our mouths closed, people.

say girl

I don't consider myself an exceptional beauty. Don't read that as self-degradation, I'm aware that I'm an attractive young lady. But I'm also aware I'm not getting all Carrie Underwood up in here either {or whoever you consider really beautiful. you get the point.} So you'll understand my confusion at the cat-calls and honks that happen when I walk down the street, right? I know for a fact I'm not the only girl that happens to, so I can't be the only one that gets confused. Sometimes I kind of whip around to make sure I'm not walking in front of some hottie McBody or something. Nope...that was at me. Okay. Weird. And then there's the quick array of thoughts that follow.

How do you feel when you get cat-called? Do you get angry and defensive? Do you find yourself walking with a little extra pep in your step? Confusion? All of the above? The last answer is me. And sometimes I can feel the entire range in the matter of a minute or two. But I tend to linger on the first for the longest. Anger. My feminist streak rises up & I want to grab the man by the collar and get in his face and ask him a barrage of questions.

Is that how you see women? Just a piece of meat you can honk at and say whatever you want to? And does that work? Do you honk and yell and girls just hop in your car and want you to have your way with them? What socialized you into thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable?! Because it's not...okay. It's not. It's rude and disgusting and sad. Stop it. 

And don't get me wrong, there have been a few men in my day who have gotten that barrage. The complete lack of respect for women in our society sickens me. And our culture really is raising men to believe that women are just something to look at and comment on {yes, this is me hating on the Victoria Secret Fashion Show and everything it stands for. yes I will meet you in the hallway to fight it out later. kidding.} But think about it. Those men who act that way think their actions are completely acceptable and normal. I really want to believe they have no idea how degrading and insulting it is. Do they know how greatly it diminishes our worth, and if we're not 100% invested in the kingdom, completely reduces us to items of lust in an oversexualized society?

It's so easy to be mad. Unfortunately, anger and yelling aren't going to cure that. I wish it would, because sometimes it just makes me feel better. I read this in an article yesterday and got all excited because it was pretty much word-for-word what I was in the middle of typing out for this post: "But, as a daughter of my heavenly king, my actions and my words are worth so much more than these irrational, emotionally-driven responses. Because the Lord has given me words to speak life into death and hope into depression. He has armed me with the creativity to fashion my thoughts and actions into powerful instruments that can influence this world for good and not for bad."

Two middle fingers in the air isn't going to make the situation any better. And neither is wearing no make up and baggy clothes and trying to go unnoticed all the time. You know what the cure is? Prayer and forgiveness. Forgiveness? you may be thinking. But as I thought through and wrote this post, I realized that I needed to start forgiving man-kind as a whole. That I was holding some kind of blanket grudge against every man who had ever cat-called me, or quite frankly, every man who looked like they might. So forgiveness for every man who had ever made me feel like a piece of meat to be bidded on and taken home needed to come. And will continue to have to come, as it continues to occur. And now, prayer. And this, my friends, is going to take training. At least on my part. For my reaction to every whistle, every yell, every honk, every leering look to be to turn my heart to the Savior and pray for the redemption of His people.

How do you pray about that? I guess I can start on an individual basis. That God would redeem that man's view of women, that maybe he could realize that that girl he just yelled at is someone's daughter, someone's sister, and that maybe he wouldn't want someone treating the women he loves that way. And prayer for man-kind as a whole. Interceeding that there would be men who would stand up and begin teaching our boys how to be men & not thugs. That their role models would begin to look more like Matt Chandler & Lecrae, and less like Ashton Kutcher & 50 Cent.  That respect would come, that love would come, and that they would reclaim their rightful place as our protectorers and stop being the thing we need to be protected from. And prayer for us. For women. That every cat-call wouldn't be a chip in our worth, but instead an opportunity for grace and prayer.

You with me girls? Let's give this thing a go. And bros...quit honking your horn at me. You're going to give me heart attack.

we weren't created to stop

{picture via}

Ok. I'm going to be honest. This is a touchy one. This is one that will most likely step on a couple of people's toes {fingers crossed that it doesnt!}. But I just want to get it out there. So I'll start blantently.

When did the Christian community universally decide that "just making out" was okay in dating relationships?

You know what I'm talking about. It's this unspoken rule that if you "don't go any further than making out", you're good. You're a good Christian couple. And I'm not saying you're not. You actually probably are. The decision to restrict your boundaires is a hard one, and to restrict it at making out is a big deal! That's awesome. But I'm starting to learn that I don't think that's really what God intended. Before you get all up in arms & defensive, just hear me out, okay?


I've been there. I've been in the relationship that starts out "just making out" and actively pursuing purity. And then begins to rationalize that pushing the boundaries is okay because you know you're going to marry each other. And then you break up. And I've experienced the absoultely ridiculous amount of baggage that leaves you and someone down the road to deal with. You typically can't see it when you're in it, but the whole time you're going "too far" in your relationship, you're picking up emotional scars that leave you wondering why he couldn't ever respect you, or why you feel so used all the time. And you end up believing that that's the norm. That "restricted" physicality within Christian relationships is okay.


But here's the deal. God created sex, right? And it's a super awesome, good thing meant for man and wife. All those really, really fun things that lead up to it {including making out}, are meant for marriage too. Here's why. We weren't created to stop. We weren't created to makeout on the couch or fool around for an hour and walk away anything but frustrated. Be honest-when was the last time you got hot & heavy with ya boo & didn't struggle? Tell me of a time that you didn't have to stomp the breaks like your life depended on it and walk away. We were created to awake passion and then see it all the way through with our husband or wife & glorify God through that.That's why Solomon wrote "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love {or passion} until it is time" {SOS 8:4} And that's what all that stuff does. It stirs up and awakens passion that, in all honesty, is only meant for a husband and wife to share.


So yeah, I'm pretty much saying I don't think making out with your boyfriend is the best choice if you're striving for purity in your relationship. Is it possible to pull of? Yeah. Probably. Are you setting yourself up for a rough ride? Yep. And let me just tell you, when I was younger, I read all of those Christian dating books that preach the same exact thing. I hated the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I thought it was the most pretentious, foolish, detached from realtiy thing I'd ever read. I think that paints the picture of where I've stood on relationships thus far. Keep it between PG & PG-13, & stay a virgin.

 And then there was J. The first man I've ever dated that made it beyond crystal clear that sexual things were not going to be a part of our relationship. We'd both struggled in that area before, and he wanted to do this right. We drew the line at making out. After a couple of months, I realized that I had made that a part of my relationship that I thought was necessary, I had decided that making out is to a dating relationship what sex is to a marriage. Well that's just completely warped, right? How did I turn it into that? I found myself wondering how many other people unknowningly believe the same lie? That we're supposed to make out with our boyfriends or girlfriends. It's what every normal Christian couple does.

God really made me look at that. Was I actively making out with my boyfriend because I felt like it was what society {& even Christian society} told me was okay and normal, even though it only made us both struggle? As I talked with my best friend about deciding to cut that part of our relationship out and why I was indecisive, she looked at me and said "you don't have to be homeschooled to not make out with your boyfriend" {and no offense homeschoolers, cause I was one}. But her point was made. It wouldn't make us lame to not make out, & it wouldn't make us Amish either. There would still always be affection between the two of us, just not passion. Yet.


So we shut it down. And you know what? We have even more fun together now then we did before {& we had a lot of fun together before}. But now, knowing that that temptation isn't even an option, that that slippery slope isn't awaiting us at the next moment we're alone, that we don't have to stress ourselves out about protecting each other's purity because we're not even going near it-it's so good, y'all.

I really spent time praying that this post doesn't come across reading look how awesome J and I are! we've got it all figured out! i'm so much better than you! because dear Lord, we do not. And I am not. But as I prayed through this decision and became more and more aware of this lie we're all buying into, I realized I would be remiss to not speak what I feel like God's shown me.


So yeah. There is it. Here's to trying to keep it in our pants, right?! Woo hoo.

Thoughts?