reality check, part I

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy, usually positive individual who has negative moments, but it definitely used to be the other way around. This is a little piece of my story. I can't keep it all in for pride's sake, when there's the off chance that someone reads it and it's exactly what they need to hear. I've felt God pushing for me to be real, so alright. Here it is. There are so many things I want to say about being in an unhealthy relationship, but can't because it's not only my story to tell. And there's always more than just your side.

But I can tell you this. There comes a point when you know. You know that you aren't in love anymore, that you're fighting to stay in something simply because it's all you know. You're so uncomfortably comfortable in this thing, and the thought of starting over with someone new literally sends you into panics. You know when you hear love songs on the radio and they make your heart hurt because you feel like you'll never have someone who feels that way about you. Because the person you're with certainly doesn't. You know when you look at your friends who have been together just as long as you have, but still seem to love each other. And that confuses you, because the two of you can barely stand to be in the same room anymore, much less act like you couldn't stand to be apart.

Someone says he treats me like such a princess and your brain's immediate reaction is ugh...I kind of remember how that feels... You're so insecure and ripped to pieces that you have no idea who you are without him anymore. Asking you to walk away is just foolishness, even though deep down you know this thing you're in is just toxic now {& not the Britney Spears kind. The bad kind.} You're so deep in the forest you can't see the trees, even though every person you two come in contact walks away thinking well they're completely miserable to be around. Why don't they break up?

Every conversation is an argument. Every suggestion is taken as a dig. And it's not all his fault. You've become the most sensitive woman on the planet, as well as the craziest. Jealousy runs strong through your veins, joined by anger and impatience and every other ugly thing you can think of. The two of you are slowly but surely killing one another, neither one strong enough to walk away. And every night is spent wrapped up in one another trying to stir up some kind of love again. But it's not love, it's lust. Waking up pretending like everything's okay, but fighting and throwing things within the hour. There is no Jesus. There is no talk. There is no peace. No selflessness. Most certainly no joy. There's only two miserable people, half-heartedly floating through life, sure that this is just the way it is.

But you're wrong. It's not.

Eventually, reality hits. It's over. Finally. Your friends feel your pain, but in reality, they're singing the Hallelujah chorus in their heads {And some out loud. I still love you.} And you're so...okay. So okay that it worries you a little. But every time you give yourself a second to think, all you can hear is "I've got you baby girl. My plan is better than even your best laid one."

Next thing you know you're writing "God...I really like this guy. But it's all up to you, k?" And then you're telling your friends about this boy and how your first date was 6 hours long, and how he keeps telling you that he wants to do this right and really keep Jesus at the focal point of it. And he means it. And he does it. And he hears you when you talk and he makes you laugh and he pushes through the difficult conversations. He lets you know he's proud of you, and you do the same. And it's just good. And easy. Or as easy as relationships can be. And you find yourself saying you'd rather do bad days with him than good days with anyone else. You fall in love with a man that looks more like Jesus than anyone you've ever met {outside your father, of course}.

And you learn not to blame the past, because it becomes so clear that you two just didn't work. Plain & simple. But that's a whole different post.

Part II to follow.