Order in the Court!

I would really love to be asleep right now, but my brain won't slow down enough. So let's try organizing some of the the thoughts bouncing around.

One of the interesting parts of this whole renovation process has been finding all these long, winding tunnels my decision to buy into Satan's lies have made in me. The one (of many) that's racking my brain and won't let me sleep is my tendency towards judgmentalness. I don't find the type of judging I struggle with to be your run of the mill, she's pretty, he's annoying, etc. type of judging.
I struggle with judging peoples' decisions. Being someone who highly values her own opinion (bleh), I get very easily frustrated when I feel like people aren't taking my darn good advice. I like to think part of the issue is how deeply I love people. All people. And sitting back and watching someone you love ram into a brick wall (especially if it's the same wall multiple times), is hard. But then again, a lot of it probably is just bitterness from not being heard and listened to. Why do I keep making that my problem? Because, thankfully, it is not my problem. Regardless of how much or how deeply I love someone, it is not my place in their lives to play the Holy Spirit. All I can do is share my advice with them, after I've thought about it, prayed about it, and feel like it's something I think God desires for me to speak into their lives.

Other then that, it's time to butt out, Blake.

It doesn't matter if you think that someone's making the biggest mistake of their LIFE (or even if they legitimately are). You have no place to be bad mouthing that person, thinking negative things to yourself, or treating them like they have the plague.
For someone who constantly struggles with feeling judged, I judge an awful lot. I'd be so much more free if I could take this self-imposed burden off my shoulders, and just love everyone the way I'm called to. (Mark 12:31, simple as that).

It's time to stop judging peoples' lives, and start being
Fearless.

Nobody, no, nobody, is gonna rain on my parade.

I've already started to see changes in myself, and it's been less then a week since I realized that I was floating, watching my life spin around me. I still haven't been able to figure out when I decided to step back and stop being an active participant in my own life. When did I become a robot, only striving to please the people around me and keeping my fingers crossed that people were perceiving this shell I was displaying as "perfect"?

My reactions have already become more positive, or at least some of them have. My default, knee-jerk reactions (which was usually an overreaction, or one filled with negativity) have become more sparse. I've started to actually think out the things I'm about to say, or the things I'm about to do, and it's become so much easier to be positive. I'd love to say that I'm like this all the time, but I'm not. I still sink back and get offended more easily then I should. (Sidenote: isn't that so much what our society has become about, though? Walking on eggshells for the sake of not hurting someone's feelings, starting every sentence with "no offense, but..", and pretty much every time you do get offended, oh yea, you're totally justified. Preach it.) My ability to be the most sensitive female ever had definitely started to take it's toll on my relationship. Alex couldn't look at me wrong without me spitting back "WHAT?!", and therefore usually pissing him off, and the cycle begins.

I'm starting to find it a little more manageable to be real with people. Genuine, without fearing that people will A) totally hate who I am and wish I'd stop talking or B) think I'm being in-genuine (This is definitely an lol-er. I'm scared of being genuine because I don't want people to think I'm being in-genuine? Don't ask me to explain how my brain works.) This showed itself so clearly in a conversation Alex and I had a few days ago. He was being honest with me, expressing some fears he had that maybe I wasn't in this relationship for the long haul, or was only still in it because I felt obligated. I could feel the wheels of deception starting to turn, and the words on my lips becoming "Well, I just, I just don't know". But I did know. So instead, I took a moment, and reacted truthfully. "I love you. And I want to be with you. I'm in this for real. I promise". Can I tell you how big the grin on my boyfriend's face was? Why have I been running away from this joy and peace found in the TRUTH?! I want to stay here forever!!

I know this post is long, so I'll wrap it up. I just want to share this prayer that was in the devotional I did today (from "Who I Am in Christ" -Neil T. Anderson, I highly recommend it.)

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray that You would open my eyes so I may know and personally receive your unconditional love and acceptance. I renounce the lies of Satan that question Your love and insist I must earn Your love and approval. I choose to believe that I am accepted in Christ. I ask for your grace to sustain me as I face the rejection of mankind, and may You enable me to stand against the peer pressure that tempts me to compromise. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I'm going to do my best to memorize that, because well..it's applicable.
I want to live my life free from lies.
And Fearless.

This is phenomenal.

&

http://ow.ly/YEtB


Dear Jesus,
Let this be true of our generation.

PerfectPerfectPerfect

I clearly had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to go into this thing with God. I'm still clueless as to what to expect, but I can tell you what I didn't expect. For the process of taking down walls to be this difficult already. But I guess what's what you get when you've been living behind them for so long.
Perfect. What does that word even mean?! Webster defined it as conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type, entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings. Um, explain to me again why that's something I've so desperately needed to be for all this time? That sounds....awful. My favorite part of Webster's definition is that he uses the word "conform". Isn't there something in the Bible about that being bad? (Romans 12:2, anyone?)
It's time to be real. To stop fearing that everyone is going to think the real Blake is a paininthebuttgetoutofmyfaceidiot. To stop buying into the Deceiver's lies that no one, and I mean no one values me. To start living in the truth that I am loved and treasured by the people around me, and that even if I'm not, I am by Christ, and in the end that's all that matters. It's time to stop picking apart every inch of me and conforming it to what I think people want me to be.
My roommate snapped this picture of me at a football game last season. I won't lie, I immediately hated it. I was unprepared, and all I could see when I looked at it was rolls and wrinkles and my weird smile. But when I take a step back and shake off as much of my perfectionist nature as possible, I actually kind of love this picture. My guard is down. I was laughing pretty hard (I'm sure at Alex). I'm not posed and grinning. I'm enjoying life. And unfortunately, that had become a rarity for me.
Hi, I'm Blake, and I'm a recovering perfectionist/faker. I do not even remotely have it all together. But I am
Fearless.

This is going to be interesting.

Let me first say, I am a skeptic. I'm a skeptic about writing things about myself that anyone and everyone can read. But I am changing. I am learning how to be vulnerable with people outside of my inner circle for the first time in a very long time.

You know those moments when God slaps you upside the head with something? Usually something that's been right in front of your face for a very long time. There's this sweet mix of the sadness that you didn't see this sooner, and that now this massive thing in yourself is looming in front of you, waiting for you to tackle it. But there's also hope and excitement found in your faith that these are things God intends to break and then heal in you, making you more like the person He wants you to be.

God slapped me hard today. In the most loving way possible, of course. And while it was momentarily disheartening to come to grips with the lies and false realities I've been living in, the moment passed quickly. And now, here I am. Here I am, standing in front of a very daunting wall that I have built and spend the last few years bashing my head into. I would be silly to believe that I can instantaneously bull doze through said wall and be the person I am striving to be. But I do believe that between God and I, we can take the wall down brick by brick.

But here I am. And here we go. This is going to be a journey.
Fearless.