I've already started to see changes in myself, and it's been less then a week since I realized that I was floating, watching my life spin around me. I still haven't been able to figure out when I decided to step back and stop being an active participant in my own life. When did I become a robot, only striving to please the people around me and keeping my fingers crossed that people were perceiving this shell I was displaying as "perfect"?
My reactions have already become more positive, or at least some of them have. My default, knee-jerk reactions (which was usually an overreaction, or one filled with negativity) have become more sparse. I've started to actually think out the things I'm about to say, or the things I'm about to do, and it's become so much easier to be positive. I'd love to say that I'm like this all the time, but I'm not. I still sink back and get offended more easily then I should. (Sidenote: isn't that so much what our society has become about, though? Walking on eggshells for the sake of not hurting someone's feelings, starting every sentence with "no offense, but..", and pretty much every time you do get offended, oh yea, you're totally justified. Preach it.) My ability to be the most sensitive female ever had definitely started to take it's toll on my relationship. Alex couldn't look at me wrong without me spitting back "WHAT?!", and therefore usually pissing him off, and the cycle begins.
I'm starting to find it a little more manageable to be real with people. Genuine, without fearing that people will A) totally hate who I am and wish I'd stop talking or B) think I'm being in-genuine (This is definitely an lol-er. I'm scared of being genuine because I don't want people to think I'm being in-genuine? Don't ask me to explain how my brain works.) This showed itself so clearly in a conversation Alex and I had a few days ago. He was being honest with me, expressing some fears he had that maybe I wasn't in this relationship for the long haul, or was only still in it because I felt obligated. I could feel the wheels of deception starting to turn, and the words on my lips becoming "Well, I just, I just don't know". But I did know. So instead, I took a moment, and reacted truthfully. "I love you. And I want to be with you. I'm in this for real. I promise". Can I tell you how big the grin on my boyfriend's face was? Why have I been running away from this joy and peace found in the TRUTH?! I want to stay here forever!!
I know this post is long, so I'll wrap it up. I just want to share this prayer that was in the devotional I did today (from "Who I Am in Christ" -Neil T. Anderson, I highly recommend it.)
Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray that You would open my eyes so I may know and personally receive your unconditional love and acceptance. I renounce the lies of Satan that question Your love and insist I must earn Your love and approval. I choose to believe that I am accepted in Christ. I ask for your grace to sustain me as I face the rejection of mankind, and may You enable me to stand against the peer pressure that tempts me to compromise. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
I'm going to do my best to memorize that, because well..it's applicable.
I want to live my life free from lies.