playing married + why i think it's a bad idea

I'm pretty sure we all know exactly what I'm talking about. Either you're currently playing married, you've played married, you are actively fighting against playing married, or you have a friend who has played married and you've watched it go down. We've all either seen or been the couple who spends all their time together (asleep and awake), fights like they think married people are fighting, make extensively futuristic plans together, basically lives at each others' place, and are mostly likely getting as close to playing married in bed as they can without losing their V-card. Are we all on the same page? Great.

I've played married before. I played married for about two and a half years, in fact. I was the roommate who was never home, and the extra roommate a house of guys really didn't want. For all intents and purposes, he was my mental husband. I already had him nice and neatly placed in the spot reserved for whoever that will be one day in my mind. You see, that's the first thing that happens. You somehow get married in your head. Next thing you know wake up and realize you've been pretending to be a wife without a ring on your finger or a promise made. You make him your mental husband. He ceases being your boyfriend and someone who is not a guarantee, but maybe wants to be your husband one day, and he begins taking on a role that he was never intended to. And that stresses both of you out. There's way too much unnecessary pressure on the relationship.  So one day you realize you're bickering like two people who can't stand each other (partially because you kind of can't), and you don't know why. I'll tell you why. It's because you've opened a door that you weren't supposed to open yet.

We've forgotten how to date. We've forgotten how to hold any kind of emotional boundaries, and have chosen to only consider "boundaries" in a relationship things of a sexual nature. We've allowed it to become a free-for-all. And while it's no one's fault but our own, who can blame us? We just don't know any better. It's human nature to follow the leader, and we're following the lead of our favorite married couples, because that's the rational thing to do. We forget we're not married. We start sleeping over innocently enough, because it's convenient and I'm-sick-of-driving-home-at-12-oclock. We start sharing every part of us, every past-hurt and hope and dream and scar, because no one's ever told us about emotional boundaries. We start blowing off our friendships and isolating ourselves, because he's so much fun to hang out with. We start opening ourselves up physically, because it's just what comes next and we have no self-control. And before you know it, you're playing married with the pros.

And then you break up. And the healing process is about 1,000 times harder because you're playing divorced now. And he was everything to you. Everything. And nothing's really keeping him here because you weren't married. So he's free to go, no real repercussions. I've walked through this, the deepest parts of this. And the healing process was hard. We shouldn't have been that far in. Even though we'd both long since checked out of the relationship and it could have been much worse, it should've been easier. If I had fought against the desire to play married.

Because it's a fight. It's a fight to watch J leave every night and not beg him to stay over. It's a fight to not give him every little piece of me because I love him and trust him so indefinitely. Sometimes it's a fight to not hole up with him and never spend any time with anyone else because he's my favorite and I don't feel like I get enough time with him.  And yes, it's a fight to keep it in our pants. But that's what you do for love. You put your self and your desires aside, and you fight. Because in the end, choosing to not play married is one of the least selfish things you can do for each other. The reality is, until you say I do, that person you're dating isn't yours. They could very well be intended for someone else, no matter how strongly and surely you feel that they're the one for you. You could break up. Crazier things have happened. J and I could break up tomorrow. So date with that in mind, with the intention of preserving yourself and the one you're with for the person they're meant for. Because it could be you. And how awesome will that be, if you are? That you've saved yourselves for each other, and not just physically. You've saved those deep, untouched parts of your heart for each other and have the rest of your life to discover them. One of the most dangerous parts of playing married is how dang fun it is. Which gives me a little hope, because I like to think being married is pretty fun too [I refuse to buy into the "marriage is all work and no play" dialogue]. And fun things are dangerous. So this really is something you have to daily choose to fight against. But in the end, it's worth it. I only want to be married once, whether it's in my head or not.

Thoughts?

a married girl's perspective

Last guest blogger today, y'all! I had one more lined up, a boy blogger! But he's in Malaysia with a broken computer, so I guess I'll let him off the hook for now. I'll share his post whenever he can get it to me. I hope y'all have enjoyed the different perspectives of love and Valentine's Day this week. You got a single girl's, a dating girl's, and now a married girl's. We'll be back to real life next week. Here you go!

Hi y’all, I’m Meagan from A Spoonful of Jenkins. Thanks to Blake for having me guest blog today for a little married point of view during Valentines! You say Valentines is over? I firmly believe in celebrating and celebrating big which means holidays are actually holiweeks. The longer the better, don’t you think? Except I shouldn’t give myself reason to eat super human amounts of chocolate all week. Just all day. 

My shiny new husband [that’s Dustin] and I are a little over sixth months into this married world which, as we were warned, brought on ginormous changes. Besides the whole living-with-a-boy and doing-previously-off-limit-adult-things [like taxes, right?], the changes have brought deep and personal realizations that have been both difficult to face as well as growth-inducing. Our pastor who married us did tell us that marriage helps you realize how naturally selfish you are. Check! He also said kids will help you realize that even more. No check. No check, yet. 

I was always extremely excited about the potential wife role. The one where everything would be neat and tidy and dinner would be hot on the stove and we’d have spontaneous picnics and I’d be ready to jump in the car and drive all night on Friday to wherever we might want to explore for the weekend.  But then I graduated and started working 8 to 5 with a traffic-packed commute all while D worked and went to class and was elected to a rather time consuming position at our church. 

I can tell you that I’ve never been too hard on myself. All of a sudden I had these underlying expectations of what my role as a wife was going to look like and how much time we were going to spend together and how many awesome grocery receipts I would have because of my awesome couponing skills [which still don’t exist]. And I would find myself crushed. Crushed because I missed Dustin when he had to work late and crushed because I forgot to wash his work clothes again. Thankfully I’m married to one of the most gracious and loving and encouraging men on the planet so I was the only one being hard on myself. 

I learned two things from this. They may be obvious, but in the likelihood that you are like me, I’ll share them anyway.  Dustin cannot be who fulfills my deep and ingrained need for satisfaction. The Lord, though He has given me this man to love and share a life with, is still jealous of my heart and my time and my thoughts. We absolutely make a better team as this new person-of-one, but what I was doing was phasing Dustin in as my ultimate satisfaction and leaving little room for the Lord. And while I think D can meet needs with the best of them, the Lord will always surpass his efforts. And the Lord will last beyond anything D can achieve. No offense to D here. Just in case if anyone doubts that I love my husband - he's awesome, and I'm borderline obsessed with him. Are we clear? 

The other big lesson here is realizing that I selfishly wanted to be the picture of the perfect wife. By trying to be that, it wasn't D's needs that I was attempting to meet. It was my own. Though I know he appreciates a hot meal and clean clothes, I prove to be much more affective when he knows I am in his corner, cheering him on, telling him I believe in him, and offering arms of relaxation and familiarity. I certainly can't do that if I'm over in the corner, curled into the fetal position, crying my eyes out over dirty socks [drama added]. 

The Lord is so good to continue to teach us, to continue to point out our selfishness, to continue to guide us through these ever-so unfamiliar roles which are becoming more familiar and more precious by the day. Now I'm realizing that some days there will be hearty meals and tidy rooms while other days will bring take out and stacks of unrelated papers and magazines and [normally expired] coupons. And I'll try my best to, whichever kind of day tomorrow turns out to be, cling to the Lord's promises, experience His fulfillment, and be able to love Him and love Dustin all the better. 

different loves. same Jesus.

Falling in love feels different for every person.

That much I know. And it feels different with every person you fall in love with. I remember well the first time I loved a boy. I was 13. I was a baby, with very world-dictated definitions of love. But I loved him deeply & fully for 7 whole years. We never dated. Never, ever ventured past the boundaries of friendship. Chalk that up to never-in-sync timing and the omniscient hand of God. But when I was 16, he sat in the grass with me as I cried about him & how confused I was, and he wouldn't let me out of his sight until I stopped. Falling in love with him took time, and it was young and sweet and naive. Falling out of love with him took time too. Years. But to this day I am thankful for the man he was and is, because I truly believe God used him to protect my heart from the breaks and bruises a teenage heart too often endures.

I fell in love with someone who loved me back when I was 20. I loved him despite all odds. It took some time for me to identify it as love, because it looked so different than any love I'd ever known. This love would quickly become all-consuming. It would have more ups and downs than a Nicholas Sparks novel. It was fiery and passionate and hard. But it was love. I fell in love with him blindly, as did he with me. We put the world aside and let each other be enough. We also fell in love selfishly, taking from one another things that weren't really ours to give, both physically and emotionally. And even when our love turned cold, we spent a fair amount of time attempting to rekindle it. It's such a hard thing to do, to acknowledge that a love you put so much into has died. But God was there. Every step. Every high moment and every stumble. Even when I was screaming at him to let me hear him, but didn't, he was there.

Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Falling in love with J was instant. There was just something about him and the ease with which we spent the 6 hours that spanned our first date talking and laughing and learning about one another. The way that, without ever having to say it, I knew that I was always going to come second in his life. Never lower than that, but always below Jesus. I don't even remember falling in love with him, I just was. I can't pinpoint the moment or place it happened, it feels like it's always been a part of me. But there are things about loving J that make it unlike any love I've ever known. It's the fact that, through the way he loves me, I better understand the way Christ loves each of his children. It's how his love pushes me to love others better and more deeply. It's how at my absolute most miserably-mean worst, he doesn't treat me like I have the plague. I would sacrifice anything to ensure that he would be happy for the rest of his life. He keeps my easily-fleeting feet on the ground, but pushes me to be more me everyday. Most of all, it's how our love and our relationship is absolutely saturated by Jesus and his presence. While the hand of God has been visible in every moment of my life, it is here, in my love for and with J, that I see him most clearly and purely.

I've only loved three men in my life. And each one is it's own individual story that I refuse to regret. Everyone has a story, a past love, a heartbreak. I think when we get to the point when we stop looking back on them with cold hearts and pointing fingers, we release ourselves of pain that no one should be carrying around. When we can look back and choose to find the hand of God in it, we should be able to do nothing but praise him. And maybe so-and-so was a total jerk, and maybe he did hurt you deeply, but he'll always be a part of your story. Why not take control of that and tell it the way you want it told? I never want to look back on past loves with hurt and bitterness again. I want to be thankful for his always evident hand in the stories of my past. I only want to look forward, to the future that was handwritten by the Author of Time.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 

-1 John 4:8

Happy Valentine's Day guys. 

all the single ladies

Hey y’all I’m Carmen from This Lovely Life, where I blog about my love for Christ, my daily inspiration, and my weird 22-year-old perspective on life. I’m a little awkward and annoyingly optimistic, which makes for a very interesting combo. I’d like to think that you either love me or you really love me, no hate involved over here.  I’m flattered Blake asked me to guest post and excited I get to share my single girls take on Valentines Day with y’all. Enjoy!

So February is here, which means Valentines Day is near. You know Valentines Day, the one where all the couples get to have romantic, candlelit dinners, and the single girls brood darkly in corners, eat lots of chocolate from their Mom’s, and cry about how lonely they are. That’s sort of what we’re expected to do, right? Um, no thanks.  I think it’s time for us to stop feeling pressured to be ashamed, and to make the choice to celebrate in the blessing that this time of singleness will be for us.

You hear so many married or dating women looking back on the season of their lives, when they were single with fondness and great enthusiasm, or you read books about being single and women who’ve been married for 10 years are writing them. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I always think, Were you that excited about being single back then?  Okay I’m getting a little off track but when did being single become something to be ashamed of? I’m excited that God is using me for something special right now.  I’m glad that he has written a life story for me that includes me not having to get my heart broken but saving the words “I love you” for a truly special and God-chosen man. God has something wonderful planned for each of us. He knows the desires of our hearts and is a good and wonderful God. As long as us women, single, dating, or married, keep complaining about the place we’re at, we are probably not going to get the thing we most desire. Just like the Israelites.  The more they whined the longer God kept them in the desert.

There are lies that I used to believe about being single. Lies that Satan wanted to grow and lies he uses the world to reinforce as “truths”. He would rather me believe that deep down inside, there is something wrong with me, and that’s the reason why I’m still single. He wants us to believe that God is punishing us for not being ready, and that we have to “fix ourselves” then God will bring us our husbands. He wants us to question our uniqueness and our lovability. These ideas can so easily become the tapes we replay over and over in our heads. We so easily believe these lies so that finding a relationship to show that we aren’t some weird, anti-social miss-fits becomes a necessity. We forget that we already have a love, someone who laid down His life for us, and will truly love us “for better or worse”. Satan knows that right now, as single women, we are called to be the bride of Christ, his one and only. That we can have a season in our life where God pursues us with love and passion and delights in us. It is a unique time where we can truly, 100% be his bride. He does not want this to happen. He wants us to yearn for the love we don’t have, instead of appreciate and be absorbed by the eternal, glorious, perfect love of Christ.

I urge you not to rush God in what he has planned for you, and if you haven’t, to start trusting in his timing.  Look to him to have your needs met, not to another person. I pray that you take this valuable time and allow God to use you, so that when the time does come to say those vows you can keep them.  Our true joy should not come from men, but from glorifying the Lord and serving others. I’m not denying that it is hard to live in a world that promotes the exact same values as the ones we’re supposed to uphold. But I just want to encourage you not to give in, you will be thoroughly blessed because of your wait. I pray that God gives you a vision and purpose for whatever season you’re growing through. That you will be able to walk with confidence and a peace that only He can provide. Stop listening to the voice of fear in your heart, and start being confident in our protector, remember that we are provided for, and that God has got it covered.

So go ahead, celebrate Valentines Day!!! Put on your party dress, something pink and sparkly, grab a friend and celebrate that you have a God who’s every move is rooted and established in love!!

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; 
   there is no flaw in you.

-Song of Solomon 4:7

do relationships have to be hard?

I didn't have a relationship last past about 6 months until I was around 20. Lots of on & off, not-at-all serious flings that would go on for, at most, a semester. All were only tumultuous and unhealthy {you can pretty much go ahead and grab on to those two words as a common theme for my dating life before J. Hence the Ronnie & Sammie duking it out picture here.} Every relationship I was ever a part of was hard. Lots of fighting, insecurity, & confusion. Communicating was a very foreign concept to me. People calmly and lovingly talk about their problems? Huh? I had never known anything like this. Although to be fair, until my sophomore year of college I really didn't have a whole lot of relationship experience anyway. That was when my first serious relationship started {don't forget to hold on to those two words I gave you before}. Two years is a long time. Definitely long enough to solidify some unhealthy parts of a relationship as truths. Let me just share some of the lies I learned:

•Every conversation about something difficult will turn into an argument.
•Sometimes, you just have to duke it out in public.
•"Good days" {i.e. a day without arguments or tears} are going to be the exception rather than the norm.
•It's better to just not talk about it, because you're tired of fighting.
•It's normal to feel disregarded & unimportant to your partner most the time.

Ugh, right? But let's be honest, there are a lot of people out there that, albeit some unknowingly, 100% believe these relationship lies. Lies that all fall under the big umbrella lie that relationships are hard. I mean, yes-you're going to have hard moments, no one's perfect. And they may be hard moments that last months. But they should still be the exception. After dating only two years, you shouldn't be fighting almost every day. You shouldn't be breaking up every time either one of you has any alcohol in their system. And in the end, you shouldn't feel like you barely know one another anymore.Really, it should never be like that. Why do we just accept that this is how things are going to be? Is it because we take our relationship cues from media and movies rather than loving marriages and Biblical example? Is it because we've been together so long, we're terrified of having to start over? Or because we're so selfish, we can't see that we're slowly suffocating the person we're with?

Relationships turn in to this hell hole because we take Jesus out of them. I can remember once, in my last relationship, walking down the street-in the middle of a huge argument, stopping in my tracks and realizing I couldn't breathe. Literally and figuratively. The combination of the misery from being in this toxic relationship and the sudden realization that I had totally distanced myself from God literally took the air straight out of my lungs. Why are we living like this? Because it was all we knew. We were holding on to something just for the sake of holding on to it. He'd checked out emotionally, and I'd allowed myself to be completely consumed by this relationship that he didn't even want to be a part of anymore. It shouldn't be like that. One of us should have been adult enough to recognize that we were killing each other and simply walk away. Sometimes it's just not going to work out. Sometimes you're just terrible for one another. But one thing rings true, it doesn't have to be that difficult.

Thing is, when it comes to relationships sucking, it takes two to tango. And the second you start placing all the blame on your partner, you've lost all ability to regain any semblance of order. And that's what we did. We each blamed the other. And while there was blame to be had by both parties, we would never recover from that. Hard was all I knew. Fighting was all I knew. Come to find out, you can walk out of a relationship like that with some serious baggage The kind that makes you afraid to talk about the way you feel about things because you're used to it turning into WWIII. You walk out believing that you're difficult, hard to handle, incapable of being led, because I mean...that's what the last guy called you. Most of all, you come away sure that the next relationship will be just as difficult, because "that's just the way things are". But, thank Jesus, they're not. It's kind of ironic, the thing that ended up giving me the strength to walk away was spending a minimal amount of time around a relationship that was the opposite of mine in every way. Watching two people, the same age, same amount of time together, interact so lovingly and Christ-like was one of the biggest wake up calls of my life. Seeing him respect her and shower her with affection, watching her light up when he spoke to her and serve him out of love-my relationship was done for. That was the moment that gave me hope. I have no doubt that God placed them in my life at the moment He did so that He could sweetly whisper "see? i have so much more for you".

It doesn't have to be hard. It should be a part of your life that fills you with joy, learning how to do life with this person you love. Times of trial and difficultly are inevitable, but they shouldn't leave you broken. Because real love is patient, and kind, and never ends.

if he knows Jesus, then he's dateable, right?

I didn't involve Jesus in my dating life until I was around 18. I've always known Jesus, as long as I can remember. But he really wasn't an active part of my life until my freshman year of college. That's when my relationship with him became mine; became real & became something worth living for. Entering the world of Christian dating was like learning how to walk all over again. There were all these rules and guidelines. Everybody got married at like...17 it felt like. And a lot of the boys were wearing these masks of false chivalry that I had no idea how to see through. I quickly adopted my only dating rule.

If he knows Jesus, he's dateable. 

That was about it. Did we meet at church? Did he talk about Jesus every once in a while? Alright. God wants me to date him. And boy, did that rule burn me. Being someone who does pretty much everything at 150%, dating was no exception. Having not yet learned the whole cliche but n "guard your heart" mantra, and believing that since these boys loved Jesus they were trustworthy, I invested everything in my next few {disastrous} relationships. I dated boys I had no business dating. Some because they had baggage and issues that no girl should be a part of carrying. Some because we just had absolutely nothing in common. Some because we were worse for each other than Sid and Nancy.. But it was all because I was holding them to one, single standard. Whether they knew Jesus. And while that should always be a game-changer, it can't be the only one. Because let's be real, we all know people who know Jesus and still treat others like dirt. We all know people who go to church, have bible verses in their "about me" on facebook, but don't talk like Jesus. Don't act like Jesus. And realistically, have no interest in being anything like Jesus any way. 

I know that this can start to read a lot like me simply pointing fingers. I'm not. For a while in the beginning, this was me. At church every Sunday, Proverbs 31:25 firmly placed on my facebook page, but stringing boys along like it was going out of style. That quickly turned into me being strung along. I'll never forget the first boy I liked after I started going to church. Very well respected and known in the church I was attending, I was pretty confused when he went out of his way to talk to me. I was used to the one making all the moves. Church Boy asked me for my number, started calling, and took me on a couple of really creative dates. It was one of the most innocent and pure relationships {I use the term relationship loosely} I was ever a part of. Until one night he asked me if I was going to kiss him goodnight. I had already decided that the next boy I kissed would be my boyfriend, not someone I was just hanging out with. I politely explained this to Church Boy, who promptly disregarded my words & went in for the kill. Shocked, but naive enough to still be charmed, I left floating. I was quickly crashed back to earth when Church Boy informed a few weeks later that "I'd gotten the wrong idea about what was going on with us". Cute. My first Christian heartbreak.

But I'd partially done it to myself. The only measuring stick I held Church Boy {and the next 2 or 3 guys I went out with} up to was that he knew who Jesus was. His disregard for my choice to wait to kiss him should have been a major red flag. None of these boys were seeking Jesus at the time. None of them had any interest in centering our relationship around Christ. I can remember once, in a really difficult time, asking one guy I was dating if he'd prayed about a big decision he was making. When he answered "no", I asked if he wanted to pray about it now. His answer to that was also "no". Red. Flag. I attribute some of my lack of direction to the fact that deep down, I'd already bought in to the lie that no man worth having would ever want me. That these day dreams of a man who reminded me of Jesus were just that-day dreams. & I carried this in to every relationship I was a part of in college. It took about 22 years, 3 failed relationships, & 1 major heartbreak to realize, you know...at this point, I'll pretty much date anyone {cringe}. But it's the truth. I had become the queen of making excuses for the boys I was dating, even when I knew that they were awful. When my friends looked at me like I had two heads as I told them stories of things done & said, I would spit out "we met at church!", "he's been a Christian forever!". Sometimes I even resorted to lying, both to them and myself. "He really makes me a better person" & "he pushes me to know Christ more". No he didn't. I had learned how to tune out anyone who spoke ill of my decisions.

I had decided that even if he wasn't, I was going to make him "the one". 

This April, a youtube video changed my life. This one, in fact. You really need to go watch it before you keep reading. I'll give you a second. Back? Okay. The whole thing just blew me away. I felt like God reached in my chest and stuck His finger straight in my heart. Every word breathed truth into my life, into the way I lived, into who I was. I had to watch it about 5 more times to really soak it in. And suddenly, there it was. What I had been missing hit me straight in the face. I had been failing to hold up the men in my life to a righteous and holy standard, and here it was, in words. 

When you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon's wisdom.

Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses.

Your faith will remind me of Abraham.

Your confidence in God's word will remind me of Daniel.

Your inspiration will remind me of Paul.

Your heart for God will remind me of David.

Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah.

Your integrity will remind me of Joseph.

And your ability to abandon your own will will remind me of the disciples.

But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of

Christ.

I clung to the verses of this poem for dear life. I prayed over them, journaled them, memorized them. I began praying that God would make me into the kind of woman that a man like this would love. I started praying for my future husband again, a practice I'd learned in youth group, but had abandoned around the age of 15. I prayed these things over him, that they'd be traits God would be cultivating in him. I stopped looking around for a man, and started paying attention to the huge work my Father was doing in me. And I started praying that it would be really apparent to me when this man walked into my life. I'm kind of terrible at praying intentionally, I like to pray in all-encompassing, not too specific ways because I feel like I'm being demanding, but 1 John 4:14-15 kind of disputes that mentality. So I started praying that there would be no question. I took the prayer from the poem and started praying it over myself and my future-"But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth. Only if you should see fit. I desire your will above mine, so even if you call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with you-the One who was sent." 

Matt Chandler once did a sermon on singleness and dating, and he touches on the fact that so many girls are earnestly praying for a mate and seeking righteousness, but 90% of their focus is still on finding someone. You know that super awesome Christian line that everyone throws around-"the second you stop looking, someone walks into your life"? All that does it set you up for failure, because you "stop looking" with the hopes of God dropping some really great guy in your lap. It just doesn't work that way. We have to have faith that we serve the Author of Time, and that he knows the very second that it's right. Let go of your preconceived notions and abandon your need to be with someone, for the all-consuming love of the Father. And don't do it because you think that means he'll give you a boyfriend, please. Do it because no one's going to satiate your need for love or make you feel more complete than He will. And because it's what he's created us for, to love him. And maybe, one day, some guy will walk in to your life that reminds you of Solomon. Of Moses, Abraham, Daniel, Paul, David, Noah, Joseph, the disciples. And most importantly, Jesus. And all the past heartbreak, all the doubts and arguments with God, will be faint memories in light of the joy and thankfulness. 

the women who love men who love porn

Let's be real. Everyone's uncomfortable right now. I know, and I'm sorry. But the purpose of Fearless has become to talk about the things that no one will talk about. So let's do this. Deep breaths.{disclaimer: this isn't about my relationships. k? I don't want this to look like I'm dragging anyone's personal struggles through the mud. read it objectively.}

I remember the first time I encountered porn on the internet. I was the tender age of 9, & it was in a pop up as I was searching the internet for pictures of my current hero, Tara Lipinksi {ice skater. anyone? anyway..} It scared the hell out of me. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I knew it wasn't okay. I quickly clicked out of it, shut the computer down, and walked away. I didn't talk to anyone about it...I didn't know it was, so I didn't know what to talk to them about. I wouldn't have any further contact with porn outside of the occasional pop-up {which still gives me heart palpitations} for the years to come. And for that I am thankful & blessed.

There are plenty of women out there who struggle with porn, even though it's heavily considered a man's world. But that's not really something I can shed a whole lot of light on. What I can talk about is the effect porn has on the women who love men who look at it. Let's just cut straight to the chase, it wrecks women.  I'm not usually a big statistics spitter, but in this case, a few seem necessary. In 2011, porn was a 13 million dollar industry. An average of 260 new sites go up daily. Every second, 28,258 people are watching porn online. And this is the one that makes me feel like I'm going to throw up: on average, boys start watching porn at 11. Eleven.

So if you start watching porn at eleven, and enter your first serious relationship at say, 20, you have 9 years worth of degradation of sex and women under your belt already. Because that's what porn does. It takes a beautiful, God-created thing and demeans it to a simple act for your viewing & self-satisfying pleasure. And deny it all day, but it changes the way you look at women. It turns them into worthless play things, useful for only one thing. It wrecks you, and it wrecks the woman who loves you.

Every woman I've ever talked to that found out their significant other was looking at porn has said the same two sentences. "I feel like I got cheated on", & "I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm never going to look like those girls".

"I feel like I got cheated on"

Because you did. Maybe he didn't go out to a bar and hit up some girl and then take her home, but he may as well have. He found pleasure from a woman that's not you {if you're not married, that's not your job yet either, but that just means it's no one's job at the moment}. And regardless of if he's your boyfriend or husband, it's going to be really hard to shake the reality that now, any time things do get intimate, he's got some other female's body in his brain. Very few men I've encountered really understand the tenuity of a woman & her sexuality. I know some of you girls are going to want to drop kick me for this, but we're rather delicate creatures. Hell yea we're strong & hard workers & capable of doing life right along with you, but we're not quite as hard as the rough-and-tumble men we love. So this crap devastates us. And it breaks us. And it makes us not trust you. And it makes us feel cheated.

"I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm never going to look like those girls". 

But you are. You are good enough. And no, you probably don't look like those girls, but that's so more than okay. In actuality, it's preferable, isn't it? As if my heart didn't already break enough for the women caught up in the porn industry, the realization that it's unlikely that very many of them look anything like their real selves anymore is so saddening. Pumped full of silicone & fillers, these women are shadows of the people they used to be, in both the emotional and physical. So no, your measurements aren't 36DD/22/30, but you know you're beautiful. And whole. And loved. You can't let your partner's mistakes destroy who you are as a person. Plus, if you're in a truly loving relationship {because I can't find it in myself to say that because your partner struggles with pornography you have no hope and are doomed}, your external beauty isn't the only thing that draws your man to you. It's your genuineness, your faithfulness, your laugh, your oddities, your fire. Those are things he's never going to find in the women behind the screen. He loves you more than he enjoys the feeling those women give him. Now he needs to prove it.

Today, porn gets chalked up to just something dudes do. Like it's just normal & okay. I know I thought that way for a long time. But as God redeemed my views on sexuality, He also redeemed my view of our culture's mastication of it. We are a desensitized society, proficient in the ways of that's just how it is. But it's not. Or it shouldn't be. There is redemption at hand. There is a revolution taking place of men relearning how to be men. I can feel it and it's exciting. And they need their women to be rallying behind them, just like we need them behind us reminding us that we are not of this world, but of Christ. Moving forward from a partner's pornography habits is hard, but it's possible. It takes a lot of forgiveness and prayer and allowing yourself to feel hurt, but not staying there. Refusing to allow your identity tank, but instead choosing to place your existence in your Savior rather than the man you love's mistakes. It takes change on his part, it takes the reestablishment of trust {which is so hard, but worth it}, and most of all it just takes Jesus.

"And through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy & blameless & above reproach before Him." -Colassians 1:20-22

what 2011 taught me about love

Just because you've been together a while, doesn't mean it all goes to crap. In my last relationship, I told myself that it was normal that we were as miserable as we were together. We've been together two years, I guess this is just how it is. Never mind that I have parents who have been together upwards of 25 years and are very obviously not miserable. People who are meant to be together don't get miserable after 2 years, they get better. They are more in love than the beginning & work better than they ever did. If you're unhappy at that point, it's probably because you just don't work together. And that's freaking hard to accept. But after only two years, you shouldn't be fighting this much, you shouldn't feel like strangers, you shouldn't feel worthless & unloved. Actually...you should never feel that way in your relationship.{read the post on this here.}

Sometimes you have to walk away. This is probably one of the biggest lessons I learned in 2011 in general, not even specifically in love. Quitting anything doesn't come easy for me, even when it should. And especially not quitting a person I've poured into for 2 years. But at some point, enough is enough. At some point, it's just abuse & you're making a conscious decision to stay. I am now a firm believer in the validity of the cliche "you're so deep in the forest you can't see the trees", but am thankful for a God who opens eyes & restores broken hearts. A God who makes it easy to walk away because it's His desire for your heart to be full & healed. I never thought it'd be so painless to walk away from a 2 year long relationship, but after the initial tears, there were no more. There was actually joy & peace that I hadn't felt in months. And for the first time in 2 years, I feel like me again. Not the crushed & insecure me I had been, but the me my Father has always intended me to be. And all I had to do was walk away. {read the post on this here.}

Giving in to sexual temptation will destroy your relationship. You don't think it will, I know. I didn't. You think it's making you closer, it's something only the two of you share, it makes you feel all desirable and loved. But it's actually ripping you apart from the inside out because you're not married & you're sinning. It creates scars & walls & most of all keeps the two of you from reaching your real potential as a couple. You're so focused on the physical part of your relationship, you miss out on the beauty of getting to know one another. You're so distracted by when are we going to make out? how far is it going to go? that you forget to talk and learn about one another and fall in love. You're only hurting yourselves. It twists what sexuality is really supposed to be and leaves you with this whacked out mentality that takes some serious redemption by Jesus, & lots of baggage. No one seems to want to talk about this, but the reality is that it needs to be talked about because we're clueless, & we're killing our relationships. {read the post on this here.}

Love really is patient, kind, not envious, arrogant, or rude. It really does bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, & endure all things. This was another big one. I had really great examples of love in my life from my parents, but parental love is different from relationship love, and you kind of have to learn it on your own. So if the first person you fall in love with doesn't know how to really love someone either, it's unlikely that you learn that love looks like this. In fact, it probably ends up looking pretty much opposite of this. But thankfully, Jesus can redeem your definition of love. He can teach you how to love the way He loves, unconditionally. And then you fall in love with someone who puts others before himself & who is more in love with Jesus than he is with you or himself & your world gets rocked a little bit more every day. And between him & your growing relationship with Christ, you start to redefine love from a fuzzy feeling and a toleration of someone's annoyances to 1 Corinthians 13. And let me just tell you, loving someone with Jesus at the center of it is a whole different ball game. It's a completely different feeling. It has it's roots in Biblical truth & is the most stable, certain thing I've ever felt.

You have to talk about it. I love to talk, if you can't tell. I'm a big communicator. But after two years of every conversation turning into an argument, I learned to keep my opinions within a relationship to myself. But J's not having any of that. The first few months of our relationship were full of awkward {because I made them awkward} encounters about things we needed to talk about. Lots of me shutting down out of fear, lots of me saying "I really don't want to talk about this" & lots of him responding with "I don't care, talk to me." But he never got frustrated {okay, maybe a little}, he was always understanding but firm that we were going to talk about things when they need to be talked about. And our relationship is so much better for it. And now, it's almost easy for me to bring things up when they're bothering me. Almost.

There are still good men out there. I had my doubts. Even though I have lots of friends in love with wonderful men, married to wonderful men, & I have a father that daily exemplifies Christ's love for me-I had my doubts. I guess I more had a lack of confidence that there was still a good man out there for me. I had never really had one, a few here and there, but they hadn't stayed long. I'd mostly fallen for jerks who were too selfish to even notice me or my needs, and I had resigned to the fact that that was probably the kind of man I was going to end up with {and so had my best friend. poor girl, watching me date all these idiots.} And then there was J. The best man I've ever met. He's not perfect, but neither am I. And he loves me in a way that reminds me of my daddy and my Jesus. He restored my faith in man-kind. And I seriously pray that every one of my single friends finds a man like J, because every woman deserves a man like that. {read the post on this here.}

reality check, part II

Part I

Letting go of what used to be and moving forward. Letting go of what you've known for years. Years, I tell you, and finally letting God move you into what He really has for you. We are our own worst enemy. We hold onto this shit {excuse my French} that only makes us miserable. That only makes us have that terrible feeling in our gut and wish we hadn't looked back. We hold onto it like it's some kind of demented, masochistic safety blanket that we can't imagine life without. We can't imagine life without the hurt, without the grudge, without having this stuff that God is clearly trying to weed out in our lives. We are our own worst enemy. So we keep looking back, we keep refusing to forgive, we somehow lose sight of the amazing things we have in front of us, and we sit. 

We sit in our misery. We keep talking about it even though we can see the exacerbation in our friends eyes and can almost hear their thoughts of when is she going to let it go? And we're embarrassed, but too scared to do anything about it. Too afraid, because it's all we've ever known, it's all we can remember. And we don't know how to forgive. We've got the whole "I forgive you" rhetoric down, but an actual heart change? Not so much. We don't know how to function without a little piece of him {and maybe a small piece of her too} lodged in our heart, carrying them with us every-stinkin-day. Letting them take up space that, quite honestly, they've done nothing to earn. Space that other people in our lives would love to occupy, if we would let them. Space that God wants to take over for His own. It's not like they're here. It's not like we see them every day, or ever, for that matter. But they're still a part of us, because "the only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it." And talking about it.

So what do we do? How do we do this thing we are certain we are incapable of? We don't, because we are incapable. We let God. We hit our knees in abandon and loss and we shoot straight with the God who already knows. 

I can't do this on my own anymore. I don't have all the answers like I've always thought I do. I am not the self-sufficient, all-knowing, ever-capable being I've spent the last few years convinced I am. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've ignored You and humanized You and made myself more than You. I'm sorry I've been prideful and pompous and have only hurt myself in the process. And I'm giving it up. You can have it. All of it. I don't even want it anymore. So take the pride and the pain and the running into really hard walls over and over, and make me Yours from the inside out. That's all I want. To be completely consumed by You. Help me let go the of the fear that keeps me living here, in this hell-hole of a grudge. Chains are broken, shame has fallen, all my sins are gone. Break these chains, Lord, because You're the only one that can. Please.

And one afternoon, you realize he hasn't even entered your mind in almost 4 days. Not even a fleeting thought. Neither has she. What? Well that's clearly all God, because wasn't I just saying I was incapable of this kind of freedom? And next thing you know you're face to face with the thing you've dreaded most, and you kind of want to say hi... You keep waiting for that rush of panic that's overtaken you many times before when you thought you saw someone you didn't, but it never comes. You surprise yourself. Your friends look at you confused because they keep expecting you to bolt, but you smile, and chat, because you've finally forgiven her. And him too. Him especially. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

And you're indifferent. You're free. The burdens you've been weighed down by for years, they're gone. The chains that have linked the two of you in this self-destructive, painful union, are now non-exsistant.  And not because you're such a strong, independent woman who's got it all together, but because you serve the Author of Time. And He knew this day was coming, even though you seriously doubted it. He knew that one day, you'd be able to hear his name and not cringe, be able to hear the words I genuinely wish them well come out of your mouth and not be appaulled by your amazing ability to lie, because it's finally the truth. And now, those places in your heart that have been occupied by people who didn't need to be there start to be filled by the Holy Spirit, and by people who love you.

And it's really, really good.

lovey dovey, i'm sorry

I don't talk about J too much on the blog. One, because I don't want to be that mushy gushy blogger. Two, because I think he might die. So I'll keep it brief. But y'all, I'm the luckiest.

I spent most of my life sure I'd never find someone like J. The best man I've ever met, he's patient, kind, understanding, a man who loves Christ more than he loves me, quietly hilarious, and solid as a rock {did I mention he's sexy as hell?}. He's the thing that high school day dreams are made of. He makes me laugh at myself, he forces me to talk about things rather than bottle them up, and fully embraces that I'm pretty much the most emotional woman to walk the planet. I'd rather do bad days with him than good days with anyone else. I'm thankful for a man who I'm more myself with than without. For a man who I don't have to lie to my friends about, that every single fantastic thing I say about him is the truth-even when it seems like I'm living in a fairytale. Someone who is okay with agreeing to disagree and always has my best interest at heart.  A man who totally embodies Bob Marley's quote, not perfect, but perfect for me. There isn't a single thing I'd ever change about him. Ever. {even the snoring}

You're the stuff dreams are made of, bay.

Oh yeah. The Tigers won Saturday night. 9-6, not one touchdown scored. It was intense, as you can see from our relieved reactions when we scored the winning field goal, in overtime. Oh my Tigers, how I love you.

reality check, part I

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy, usually positive individual who has negative moments, but it definitely used to be the other way around. This is a little piece of my story. I can't keep it all in for pride's sake, when there's the off chance that someone reads it and it's exactly what they need to hear. I've felt God pushing for me to be real, so alright. Here it is. There are so many things I want to say about being in an unhealthy relationship, but can't because it's not only my story to tell. And there's always more than just your side.

But I can tell you this. There comes a point when you know. You know that you aren't in love anymore, that you're fighting to stay in something simply because it's all you know. You're so uncomfortably comfortable in this thing, and the thought of starting over with someone new literally sends you into panics. You know when you hear love songs on the radio and they make your heart hurt because you feel like you'll never have someone who feels that way about you. Because the person you're with certainly doesn't. You know when you look at your friends who have been together just as long as you have, but still seem to love each other. And that confuses you, because the two of you can barely stand to be in the same room anymore, much less act like you couldn't stand to be apart.

Someone says he treats me like such a princess and your brain's immediate reaction is ugh...I kind of remember how that feels... You're so insecure and ripped to pieces that you have no idea who you are without him anymore. Asking you to walk away is just foolishness, even though deep down you know this thing you're in is just toxic now {& not the Britney Spears kind. The bad kind.} You're so deep in the forest you can't see the trees, even though every person you two come in contact walks away thinking well they're completely miserable to be around. Why don't they break up?

Every conversation is an argument. Every suggestion is taken as a dig. And it's not all his fault. You've become the most sensitive woman on the planet, as well as the craziest. Jealousy runs strong through your veins, joined by anger and impatience and every other ugly thing you can think of. The two of you are slowly but surely killing one another, neither one strong enough to walk away. And every night is spent wrapped up in one another trying to stir up some kind of love again. But it's not love, it's lust. Waking up pretending like everything's okay, but fighting and throwing things within the hour. There is no Jesus. There is no talk. There is no peace. No selflessness. Most certainly no joy. There's only two miserable people, half-heartedly floating through life, sure that this is just the way it is.

But you're wrong. It's not.

Eventually, reality hits. It's over. Finally. Your friends feel your pain, but in reality, they're singing the Hallelujah chorus in their heads {And some out loud. I still love you.} And you're so...okay. So okay that it worries you a little. But every time you give yourself a second to think, all you can hear is "I've got you baby girl. My plan is better than even your best laid one."

Next thing you know you're writing "God...I really like this guy. But it's all up to you, k?" And then you're telling your friends about this boy and how your first date was 6 hours long, and how he keeps telling you that he wants to do this right and really keep Jesus at the focal point of it. And he means it. And he does it. And he hears you when you talk and he makes you laugh and he pushes through the difficult conversations. He lets you know he's proud of you, and you do the same. And it's just good. And easy. Or as easy as relationships can be. And you find yourself saying you'd rather do bad days with him than good days with anyone else. You fall in love with a man that looks more like Jesus than anyone you've ever met {outside your father, of course}.

And you learn not to blame the past, because it becomes so clear that you two just didn't work. Plain & simple. But that's a whole different post.

Part II to follow.