here i raise my ebenezer

"Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!"

—1 Samuel 7:12

This time a year ago was one of the hardest, darkest times of my life to date. Completely consumed by insecurity, my entire identity placed in a boy who couldn't possible have and shouldn't have had to carry that weight, I was a wreck. The relationship I'd been pouring into for 2 years was falling apart in front of me, and I was falling apart with it. Riddled by panic attacks and insomnia, I remember being 100% sure that I'd never feel real joy again. I can still call to mind vivid memories of the pain I was in. My relationship was in the balance, my character was being assessed to decide if I was still worth the effort, and it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was not. Unbelievable to me is that this ridiculous roller coaster would last 4 months, and I actively decided every day to stay on the ride. Even when I knew the pain I was putting those who loved me through, even when they were looking me in the eyes, begging me to walk away, I couldn't.

Depression and Satan had their hold, and I quite honestly didn't have the energy to put up a fight.

When I realized it'd been a year, I spent some time reading old journal entries from then, and all I could process was "hallelujah. hallelujah. hallelujah."  Thank you Jesus from saving me from something that I could never have saved myself from. Thank you for intentionally placing people in my life to hold me up when I couldn't stand {Exodus 17:12 kinds of friends}. And thank you for never leaving my side, for always making Your presence known.

And now, I'm thankful for healing. And for experience. I'm thankful for God-given boldness to share my story, & I have hope that it's with purpose. That maybe one day I'll be able to walk with someone through something similar and be able to hold them up the way I was held. Every day I feel further compelled towards transparency and honesty, even when it's awkward and maybe makes people a tiny bit uncomfortable {sorry!}. That's the reason Fearless was started, and even though there are days where it's posts are filled with fluff, that will always be why I'm here. To share in my story and to further His kingdom through that.

This is my Ebenezer. This is my victory in the Lord.

{New to the blog? Big chunks of my story here & here}