You pass her on the interstate, sit next to her in class/work, loathe her as you walk through the mall. Hair-perfect. Makeup-perfect. Clothes-perfect. Attitude-perfect. I equal parts want to be her and want to hit her. And I've spent an embarrassing amount of energy trying to pretend I am her.
If I could just get my make up like that, THEN I'd feel desirable.
If I could just put my outfit together flawlessly, THEN I'd feel secure.
Lies.
So this week I started an experiment. No dressing up, no more makeup then the essentials, no spending more then the needed 5 minutes on my hair, and no obsessing over my outfit. It's freed up so much space in my mind for God to move, that I'm overwhelmed by it. Let me get down to the point of this post.
Insecurity is like a cancer. Once it sets in, it's scary how easily it can find its way into every part of your life. It starts as this nagging uneasiness about the way you look, and next thing you know your inner dialogue is the most embarrassing thing you've ever heard. Your relationships are being ripped to pieces, you can't be in public without being in a constant state of misery, and one day you wake up, look around, and go WHAT IS THIS SHADOW OF A LIFE I'VE BEEN LIVING?!? And I've decided that, for me, getting this out in the open is one of the steps towards dealing with my crippling insecurity. So now begins the process of reclaiming my dignity. {"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." -Proverbs 31:25. Life verse at the moment.}
I reached a breaking point two weeks ago. I realized that I was too insecure about my insecurity to find a way to deal with it. {I am my own worst enemy.} I was too scared to ask for help or even go to Lifeway and pick up Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity, even thought I knew I desperately needed to do both. I finally got the God-given strength to man up. The past two weeks I've been digging into Beth's book, and at the same time allowing God to dig up insecurities that have roots so much deeper then I ever knew. It's been interesting opening up to people about all of this, because 90% of the time the response is along the lines of "Really?! I had no idea!!" Which is nice, but also shows how scarily good I've gotten at hiding how undone I am on the inside.
This one's been hard for me to write. I've kept it in my drafts for about a week now, going back and forth, editing and adding. It's scary putting it all out there! Putting in large bold letters all things that have been crippling me for some time now. But I just feel really called to be especially transparent about this. I'm so tired of faking confidence. I'm so tired of not looking people in the eyes when I talk to them, of being miserable all the time because all I really wanted to do was stay in bed, of not being able to be in healthy relationships, and of ripping myself to pieces anytime I even thought about messing up. {I sound so pathetic. Love me through it.}
So there it all is. I think this is the most real, honest, and scary post I've written thus far. I'm not putting this out for pity or for people to walk on egg shells around me {please please please don't do that}. I'm writing this because I often feel like I'm the only person who's living life this way, but I refuse to believe that. As I walk towards the hope that comes with freedom from insecurity, all I want to do is grab up everyone that struggles with this and make them go with me. This journey's just begun, and I'm not trying to pretend like it's going to be easy, but oh my gah-it's going to be worth it. I'm excited to get to chronicle this great thing God's taking me through and get to share the huge lessons I learn with everyone. A lot of it probably won't be as eloquent as I typically try to be, but hey-life's messy
It's been real, yo.
Fearless
P.S. Did I mention I'm a red head now?
Thanks to Eva Cranford for taking pretty pictures of me :)
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