Fields of Restoration

I love people. Love 'em. I love listening to them, I love talking to them, I love laughing with them, I love meeting new ones, but most of all I just love being with them. I am very aware that I was made by the Creator to be a "people person". As I grow closer in community with the Lord, I learn more about myself every day, and one thing He is continually shaping and molding in me is love. I kind of feel like I use that word all the time lately, and it's because it's building up inside of me and just needs to come out. I love to love.

I suck at being loved. I've gotten much better over the last year thanks to the likes of Megan Kelly and Ashley Hawthorne and many other members of the Ring Community Church, who love me abundantly even when I'm trying to run away from it. But I'm still not great at it. And this doesn't just apply to people, it's a fundamental problem in my relationship with God. If I'm not in constant communication with Him, I all too easily slip back into self-sufficient mode and cut off His supply of love. Because realistically that's what this problem originates in, believing I can be self-sufficient. I struggle with believing I can take better care of myself then anyone else can, including God. I also tend to make the people in my life today pay for the hurtful mistakes of people in my past, which is crazy unhealthy & I'm working on it, I promise.

I know I used the example of Peter walking on water in Matthew 14 in a recent post, but I come back to that now because that is so how I am. When I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus, on His provision, on His plan, I walk easily through the madness. It's when I take my eyes off of Him, even for a second, and look around me at all the crap (for a lack of a better word), that I begin to sink as Peter did. {"But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" -Matthew 14:30}

This is where the self-sufficient problem comes in. When I start to sink, instead of reaching out for Jesus' hand as Peter did and letting Him pull me out, I try to tread water. I think I can swim to the shore and in the process just swallow a bunch of water, sink, and end up exhausted and miserable. This exact thing happened to me last week. I've spent the last month in the most phenomenal community with Christ I've ever had. One little thing flew across my line of vision and I took my eyes off Jesus and focused on that. And as soon as I realized what I'd done, instead of immediately reaching out to Him, I reached inward, to my own strength. Needless to say, I crashed and burned. And, yes, it took me a couple days to get back to normal.

My saving grace was Psalm 23. The whole thing is just so good and if you haven't read it in a while, I'd suggest you do. Verses 2 & 3 have been on repeat in my brain the past few days, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul." It just clicked in my brain that these are things He desires to do, not has to do, or does begrudgingly. He's been here, He's lived this life, He knows it gets hard sometimes (better then any of us do). And He's standing there above us while we hysterically tread water wanting us to take His hand so he can restore us. And trust me, there is no restoration like it.

So yea, I'm taking baby steps towards trust and away from self-sufficiency. I'm learning to chill in the awesome fields of restoration that God leads me to. I'm learning to let people love me well and not worry about the let down.

I'm learning everyday what it's like to be
Fearless

This life is the sweetest thing

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31

This verse is my life right now. I am, hands down, the happiest I've been in my entire life. And it's not because of circumstances or people or myself. It is because I am walking more closely with the Lord then I could have ever imagined possible. And it's funny, because the moments when I begin to rely on myself, or think that I'm doing a "great job" are the moments I falter. Those are the moments I feel like Peter in Matthew 14, when he looks around him and sees the wind and the water and freaks out and starts to sink. But God's always right there with His hand out, pulling me back up, renewing my strength and helping me soar. I'm happiest because I recognize that my strength is not self-generated, but that it comes straight from the Savior of the world. It is because I have let go of my death grip on life and have started living and trusting in His plan.

I never thought of a relationship with God to be something attainable. I honestly kind of thought that all the people who said they were "close" with Him were lying, that there's no way you can feel close with someone you can't touch or see. I was stuck in a rut of reading my Bible and getting little to nothing out of it, singing during worship and feeling emptiness, doing all these things because I felt like I had to. I was holding onto these things that brought temporary oblivion and fake joy, but that faded in the morning.

And now I stand here wondering why it took me so long? I find myself at times frustrated with my stubbornness and fierce independence, and how big of a fight I put up against letting Him get me here, to the greatest thing available on earth. An abundant life, a life walking side-by-side with the Creator of the Universe. But I can't help but look back on these past few years tenderly. Knowing that in my emptiest, loneliest moments, I was never truly abandoned. & that this has been His plan all along.

This life I'm living is the seriously sweetest thing. My hope is this doesn't sound like a toot-my-own-horn fest, but that it is a clear picture of the joy unending that comes from knowing Him.

I guess just want you to know how unbelievable is is being
Fearless

Lines in the sand

I've always thought of boundaries as a negative thing. As a way to keep people out. That having boundaries meant that you only let people get this far until they hit a brick wall that is your boundary. I don't remember hearing many sermons growing up on taking care of yourself or about boundaries being a healthy and necessary thing. There was the occasional "guard your heart" talk, but those never really stuck. I much more clearly remember hearing about serving others, forgiving those who wrong you, loving your enemies. I don't blame the church for my lack of boundaries, but I wish I would have been better taught how to say no.

"A boundary in your life should be like a chain-link fence. An area around you that clearly defines the way you deserve to be treated, and what you will not put up with. That fence also had a draw bridge, and when you join into a relationship or friendship with someone, you both agree to let down your bridge and join into community while still maintaining your boundaries. And if that person wrongs you or treats you in a way not fitting of a child of God, you pull up your draw bridge. That's healthy. You take time, talk to God, forgive that person, and then you approach them again. You let down your bridge, let them know they hurt you but that you have forgiven them. If they apologize, then you leave your bridge down and join back into that relationship. If not, you pick up your bridge, take some more time, and then try again. That is healthy. That is what boundaries is about." -Frank Freedman, paraphrased.

I've had no fence. I've had no drawbridge.
I've had lines in the sand that were easily erased and kicked away. I've forgotten my worth in Christ and allowed others to as well.

I don't want to become a wall. I don't want to fortify my boundaries so high that no one can get in. That is not the life Christ has called me to. But He has called me to remember that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) & "God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works" (Ephesians 2:10). I do want to be in relationships that build me up and don't tear me down. Relationships that exhibit love the way Christ desires for them to. Relationships that are healthy.


I have had the joy and blessing thus far this summer to hang out with group of pretty great people. People who make me feel welcome and well liked and enjoyed. People who are excited to have me around, who laugh at my horrible jokes, and who are sharpening me, even if they don't know it. People who push me to be me again, & are making it super easy.

The hand of God is so evident in my life right now it overwhelms me. My hope is that my attitude and actions are a reflection of that, that I can be a blessing to the people who are such massive blessings to me by just being themselves, and that I continue to grow. That I'll begin to set up my chain link fence and draw bridge, and let that bridge down often. And also that I'll be obedient when it's time for me to pull it up.

My hope is that I'll keep being
Fearless.