Fields of Restoration

I love people. Love 'em. I love listening to them, I love talking to them, I love laughing with them, I love meeting new ones, but most of all I just love being with them. I am very aware that I was made by the Creator to be a "people person". As I grow closer in community with the Lord, I learn more about myself every day, and one thing He is continually shaping and molding in me is love. I kind of feel like I use that word all the time lately, and it's because it's building up inside of me and just needs to come out. I love to love.

I suck at being loved. I've gotten much better over the last year thanks to the likes of Megan Kelly and Ashley Hawthorne and many other members of the Ring Community Church, who love me abundantly even when I'm trying to run away from it. But I'm still not great at it. And this doesn't just apply to people, it's a fundamental problem in my relationship with God. If I'm not in constant communication with Him, I all too easily slip back into self-sufficient mode and cut off His supply of love. Because realistically that's what this problem originates in, believing I can be self-sufficient. I struggle with believing I can take better care of myself then anyone else can, including God. I also tend to make the people in my life today pay for the hurtful mistakes of people in my past, which is crazy unhealthy & I'm working on it, I promise.

I know I used the example of Peter walking on water in Matthew 14 in a recent post, but I come back to that now because that is so how I am. When I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus, on His provision, on His plan, I walk easily through the madness. It's when I take my eyes off of Him, even for a second, and look around me at all the crap (for a lack of a better word), that I begin to sink as Peter did. {"But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" -Matthew 14:30}

This is where the self-sufficient problem comes in. When I start to sink, instead of reaching out for Jesus' hand as Peter did and letting Him pull me out, I try to tread water. I think I can swim to the shore and in the process just swallow a bunch of water, sink, and end up exhausted and miserable. This exact thing happened to me last week. I've spent the last month in the most phenomenal community with Christ I've ever had. One little thing flew across my line of vision and I took my eyes off Jesus and focused on that. And as soon as I realized what I'd done, instead of immediately reaching out to Him, I reached inward, to my own strength. Needless to say, I crashed and burned. And, yes, it took me a couple days to get back to normal.

My saving grace was Psalm 23. The whole thing is just so good and if you haven't read it in a while, I'd suggest you do. Verses 2 & 3 have been on repeat in my brain the past few days, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul." It just clicked in my brain that these are things He desires to do, not has to do, or does begrudgingly. He's been here, He's lived this life, He knows it gets hard sometimes (better then any of us do). And He's standing there above us while we hysterically tread water wanting us to take His hand so he can restore us. And trust me, there is no restoration like it.

So yea, I'm taking baby steps towards trust and away from self-sufficiency. I'm learning to chill in the awesome fields of restoration that God leads me to. I'm learning to let people love me well and not worry about the let down.

I'm learning everyday what it's like to be
Fearless