let me clear the air + a small hiatus

I've cried more about this stupid blog in the last five days than anyone should allow over an internet forum. I'm still not sure if it's Satan or just a moment in life, but the negativity pouring in has got me on my knees ready to throw in the towel. The reality is that to be in the blogging world, and be as vulnerable as I tend to be in this world, you've got to have some thick skin. And I just don't. At least not yet. God's really putting me through the ringer on where my worth is and who I'm aiming to please, and I know I'm going to come out the other side stronger and better for it. But for right now I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that people in my life are questioning my motivation behind writing this blog, and are wondering it loudly and strongly enough to make it hurt. So I'd like to take a moment to be straight forward and clear the air on a few things:

This is not a gossip column. I don't come to this blog and pour my heart and my experiences out so that I can get a jab at someone who hurt me or I can feel bigger than them. I don't blog about my life and the hard things I've gone through because "I'm not completely over it". I write because I am over it, have found peace, and it's been placed on my heart to share the huge things I've learned. I do not write this with hopes that my ex-boyfriend reads it and feels like crap. Or his new girlfriend. I don't hope they read it at all. I don't write because I want to come across as the victim who did nothing wrong and thinks she was perfect in her last relationship. I don't think that at all. I know I played a very substantial part in the failure of that relationship and take full responsibility for what was done, but apparently have failed to convey that. I'm aware that I write more about my last relationship than my current one, and that's because I want people to be able to identify what being in an unhealthy relationship looks like and get out. And writing about J will not achieve that because we are not unhealthy. But it breaks my heart that people even ask questions about that. And I most certainly don't write because "too I'm afraid to confront people and feel safer hiding behind my computer". I'm not hiding. I'm right here

Let me tell you why I do blog. I blog because it is the cry of my heart that no one walks alone through the things I've walked through. It is my passion that today's Christians start to wake up to the things we have remained dormant on for far too long. Every single post I've ever published has been thought through and prayed over. If I don't feel like God is blessing me to publish it, the button doesn't get pushed. But a lot of the times, he gives the the go-ahead. So I talk about things like blurry physical boundaries and hard relationships and people that don't really care about you. I very openly talk about my last failed relationship and what caused it to fail in hopes that someone reads it and their eyes are opened. I talk about things that not many people are talking about right now. I am aware that within the blogging world, this kind of honesty is rare. And as I stated previously, to do so, you need to be ready to handle the negativity that's headed your way about it.

For now, I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I am instead, hurting. Hurting that people who know me question my motives for writing. I think that if what people took issue with was what I was writing about, the content, I would welcome the diverse opinions. But the fact that what is in question in my character is what brings me here now. And while it's obvious that the people who doubt me don't really know me, it's time for a hiatus. I need a break. I'm headed off to pray about it. I genuinely hope God brings me back here really soon with a renewed spirit, ready to hit the ground running again. But I need a second to heal. It might be a week, it might be a few, that's completely up to God now. I really struggled with the idea of taking some time off because I have a "I-don't-want-to-let-the-haters-win" complex that runs deep and wide. But I realized that this isn't about anyone winning. If I'm hurting and feeling God pull me away for a moment, by ignoring that the only person who wins is Satan. But my pride needs me to make it clear that this break isn't because of the words anyone said. It's because I need a moment to get my head straight and go full steam ahead when I return. Christ calls us to a life of transparency and community, and that's what's being done here. I want to come back able to do it even better.

This blog is my baby, and I love it dearly. And I know that most of you reading this completely bewildered at where this is coming from. The hurt comes from a really small faction, so most of you are really surprised. I want to take a second and genuinely thank every single person who's been supportive of my blog. Thank you so much for making it easy to be honest and real. There have been days where your support literally took my breath away I was so overwhelmed. Every single comment here and on my facebook, every message, every text, every email is so treasured by me, you just can't even know. You're a big part of the reason I know I'll be back. My father gave me an analogy (as he talked me off the "I'm never blogging again" ledge) about a lesson given at a conference where one person stood in front of you, and in a normal speaking tone showered you with compliments and uplifted you. And behind you, another person stood, whispering negative, hurtful things. Who do you think is heard more loudly? The whisperer. Right now, all I can hear is the whispers. And that's my problem. That's a big flaw that Jesus and I need to tackle right now. In actually, I can already feel that I'm on the cusp of some pretty huge things between God and I. He needs me to be only his, and he needs to hammer some things out for that to happen fully. That's why I'm taking this time, not because I'm afraid or doubt that what I'm doing here is good, but because I need some just me and Him time. I want to come back to this blog after a period of time with a 2 Timothy 1:7 mentality: "for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control."

Unafraid. Unapologetic. Fearless.

So that's what I'm headed to do. It is with puffy eyes but a peaceful and clear heart this morning that I've decided to take some time off from writing here. Not a long time, but enough to stop caring about the whispers and toughen up a little bit. My plan as of now is to re-visit this in a week or two and see where I'm at. If God's calling me back, I'm back. If he's telling me to continue to pray, that's what I'm going to do. This blog has never been more in his hands than it is now, and that's so exciting to me. He's going to do so much. I may bring a guest blogger or two in, just so cobwebs don't start to form, but I don't make any real promises. I really hope I'm back soon, and I hope you're still here when I get back. One last thing. When I do return, if I ever write something that causes you to have questions, whether it's about what I've written about or my motives behind it, please talk to me about it. Email me, text me, whatever. Please don't ask someone else close to me what's up with what I'm writing. They don't really know. They may know a little bit, but they're not in my head. Please give me the opportunity to show you what I feel like God's called me to. Give me the chance to show you my heart, because if you're questioning my motives, you haven't ever really seen it.

chains be broken

lives be healed

eyes be opened

Christ is revealed