It's no news flash, I'm opinionated. Things have always been very black and white for me. This is wrong, this is right, that's stupid, you're dumb-all come easily for me. If there is a grey area I tend to get super freaked out and stress still I figure out which end of the spectrum I want to place it. Shed in a positive light, this character trait makes me very dependable, an effective decision maker, and usually someone who gives fairly clear advice. I know that God made me this way on purpose and intends to use these traits to further His kingdom.
But then there's flesh. And, when I let it, my flesh gets all up in my life and these God given characteristics and warps them into something God most certainly didn't create in me. In the case of my opinions, it makes me loud mouthed and the least understanding person in the whole world. I get staunch in what I believe and allow absolutely no room for the fact that God's plan for everyone is bigger and better than mine. I cringe now when I look back at the nasty things I've said about peoples' situations.
They're so miserable-why don't they just break up?!
How could someone like that end up with someone like her??
He's how old? She's how old? Ew.
They've been together HOW long and they're getting married? Idiots.
He doesn't have a plan for after graduation?? Wow.
The list is much longer, but I'll go ahead and save some of my dignity. Because here's the fun part-God never just places wisdom in my head and goes "Here little one, now you understand". No. I live it. I get knocked on my face and come up all broken and bloody and then he picks me up and says "Ouch, little one. That looked painful. Get it now?" It tends to really be the only way I can learn.
The past couple of months have consisted of me sitting at the kitchen counter with God eating slice after slice of humble pie. Some of the time I'm literally squirming I'm so uncomfortable from looking straight at my pride and foolishness. And then other times I'm just in awe of the grace and love the Father provides while he's breaking and repairing the things in us that don't look like him.
I've had a lot of really skewed opinions in my life. A lot of big, loud, mean opinions about people who were simply following the direction of the Author of Time. And now, in a lot of ways, I am those people I've spent my time whispering behind closed doors about. I don't want my new attitude to seem insincere, that I've only changed my tune because now I'm walking through a lot of the things I've hated on. I'm here because it's where God's brought me.
I have no doubt that I'll put my foot in my mouth a million more times through my life, but my hope is that it's not from a mean spirited, prideful place anymore.