Insecurity:: The House That Hurt Built

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
-Matthew 7:24-27 

A very common Bible story. One taught to every kid that ever went to vacation bible school or Sunday school. I've heard this story a bajillion times growing up.  I just got what it means 4 days ago. 

I've struggled with insecurity for a while now, and every now and then I would find what I thought was the root, do my best {on my own} to dig it out, and try to move forward. Unsuccessfully. I'm insecure because I'm still holding on to past hurts. Forgive those people, and move on. 3 weeks later I'm in the same place I was before, completely bewildered because I thought I'd fixed this. I'm insecure because I don't have any self-worth. Pump myself up with a couple good Bible verses, and move on. That never lasted long. It's taken me a long time to finally come to see what the real root of this deep seeded insecurity is.

My house has been built upon the sands of myself and others. All of my self-worth is built upon the affirmation the people in my life {or strangers on the street} give and don't give me. The fact that I've had a lot of people walk out on me or treat me as though I'm not worth the effort is so ingrained in my character it's startling to look at. It's like living on the most twisty, sensitive roller coaster ever. It also makes for quite a ride for the people doing life with me. One minute I'm great, coasting along, and the next they're being turned upside down. Call me the Blakecoaster. 

I'm a visual learner, just humor me.

The left is what my life has been built on for the last 22 years. And above that is what I've been living in. Fear, anxiety, and no semblance of stability. Well it's time for some serious construction to go down, because I'm about to tear down the House That Hurt Built, and start building a new home. A new home built on the rock of Jesus Christ and the reality that God loved me so deeply, He sent his only child to die, bloody and beaten, on a wooden cross for my sins. I mean, do you get that? When did the crucifixion story get so glossed over? I want to stand on something and just yell "The most perfect being died the worst death possible so that we don't have to!!! Shape up!" ....I yell that to myself regularly.

God's love. That's what I my house will be built on. How can I expect to get through life completely dependent on whether my friends think I'm funny or Alex thinks I'm wonderful or my parents think I'm good enough? These are all incredible people, but they're just that. People. Human. They can never be enough to make me stable and peaceful. 

"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace."
-Romans 8:6
 When people say the word peace to me, I tend to drift off to la-la land and imagine what that could be like, because I sure as heck don't know. But I firmly believe that everything in the Bible is a promise, and Romans 8:6 reads as quite a promise to me. A promise that if I can live my life with my eyes focused upward, peace is mine. Uhh yes please! 

I don't know if this whole thing even makes any sense. It feels really scattered, but that seems to be where I kind of am right now. In the tear down/get set up to rebuild phase. 

I'm freaking stoked about my new house, y'all.

1 comment:

megan kelly said...

keep it up. this is it. good good stuff. you are loved.