It's always a strange mix between very sweet and really painful to have honest people in your life. The people who can speak encouraging truth about the person you are when you've lost sight of it. And also the people you can make you look at something you've been ignoring for a really long time, and make you be real with yourself.
News Flash: I've always known I can come across as unapproachable. The new part is that I've never examined why, or what that looks like for my community. Totally selfish. Frick.
First off, I need to be honest and say that sometimes I've really loved being that way. I've loved being the rowdy friend that you always know is going to step up and have something to say. It's been a ball knowing people were intimidated by my 5'1" little self simply because I've got a mouth on me. It's not so fun when your dear friend is confessing that they struggle with being honest with you or your boyfriend's reminding you that you don't always have to be threatening to bash peoples' heads in.
Gut check.
So why am I this way? Because I went to public school.
I'm kidding. That's only part of it.
I wasn't always this feisty. In fact, I used to hate confrontation. But you know what I hate more then confrontation? Being a doormat. So at some point in my high school experience, I decided I was through apologizing all the time and that I was going to be a big girl, gosh dangit. Somewhere in the journey to become said "big girl", I just became a fighter. I started using my extensive vocabulary and eventually my fists to beat up on the people who tried to beat up on me. (Those of you who don't know me well are probably very confused by the fists bit. Just follow me, it's not important) And then, the worst part of it all, I held very tightly onto this part of me as I began my Christian walk. It's been a part of my flesh I have straight up refused to give to God. Why? Because I find so much identity in my rowdiness. To the point that I hide behind it. I would much rather people see me as "pissed off and doing something about it" then the reality, which is wounded and offended.
It's been a life long struggle for me to let people see the real Blake. Hence, the blog. But I've always wanted people to.
I'll be honest, I had never even thought about looking around and seeing the effect my bad attitude had on the people I love. I had never realized that mouthy=your friends are scared to talk to you. All I cared about is that people tended to mess with me less. It's been cool to see how God has directly used people and situations in my life to start stripping this away from me.
He made me realize how often I lose my temper, and how much that doesn't look like His son.
He made me realize that that girl I just said I'd like to punch in the mouth? That's His creation too.
He made me realize that if I continue to live behind my walls, I'll end up alone.
He made me realize that anger does not = love, and that's what I'm called to.
"A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."
—Proverbs 15:18
...people describe me as hot-headed all the time. Frick.
I won't lie, I feel like God's ripping off a limb with this one. I'm afraid I'll never beat it, but I know with Him I will. I can't find my identity in "firecracker" or "hot-headed" anymore, because those things don't point back to Jesus.
I will always be passionate. That is who Jesus was. But passionate about the right things.
Just living life, trying my hardest to be
Fearless
10/4/10
Happy Birthday to Me!
Three years. I can barely believe it. I didn't even realize what today was until I got a sweet message from a friend just encouraging me in my walk and thanking me for being a part of his. Three years of walking close with Jesus. I've spent most of the day reflecting on this legit verse in 2 Corinthians 5:17, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!". What a difference between my "old" & "new"!!
I'm fairly certain I greatly confuse the people I knew back in high school, and I love it. The punch-throwing, back-talking, sailor mouthed hooligan is only a faint memory (that yes, still comes back to life in moments of weakness). I love the look on peoples' faces when they hear stories of the old me, almost as much as I love being a walking, talking testimony to the redemptive power of the God I serve. That He, and only He, could take a lost, blind wretch like me, send His son to die, and love me despite of it all blows my mind. I so want to constantly exist in this state of wonder. Even just reflecting on how far He's brought me in a year overwhelms me. Heck, for that matter, months!
I went back and listened to the Ring podcast of when I gave my testimony last year. I can distinctly remember sitting down after and being certain that I'd made zero sense and had just spent the last five minutes rambling and sounding very self-focused. But NAY! God's so much bigger then me! My story has so much power in it (even the abridged version I gave). I love the way the lyrics from Chris Tomlin's "Our God", "Our God is greater, our God is stronger" don't necessarily define what He's greater then, because He's greater then everything. He's greater then my insecurity and my past, and He needs me to love my story so I can share it with others and bring them to Him with it.
Today's my birthday. The day I actually started living.
I'm struggling to find my normally graceful words to talk about this because all I can do when I'm really excited is squeal and smile. (Insert squeal and smile here) I'm so thankful for my phenomenal community at the Ring, the people who walk with me everyday, the ones who are walking ahead of me as an example, and for Meg and Josh, the best leaders anyone could ask for (Clergy Appreciation Month-holla!) I'm thankful that God snatched me from the grave and gave me life, and I'm thankful for the command I have on my life to point back to Him.
Here's a link to the podcast with my testimony, if you're interested. There's other people on it as well, and the whole thing is for sure worth listening to. (I start at the 32 minute mark) I hope if you listen to it, it points you back to what it's really about. Not me, but my Savior.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/ring-community-church-podcast/id345942819
Podcast #52 (in case the numbers change, its from 9/20/09)
{Note: if you don't want to listen to the whole thing, you need to click on the "view in iTunes" link so you can actually fast-forward.}
Jesus has the power to make me
Fearless
I'm fairly certain I greatly confuse the people I knew back in high school, and I love it. The punch-throwing, back-talking, sailor mouthed hooligan is only a faint memory (that yes, still comes back to life in moments of weakness). I love the look on peoples' faces when they hear stories of the old me, almost as much as I love being a walking, talking testimony to the redemptive power of the God I serve. That He, and only He, could take a lost, blind wretch like me, send His son to die, and love me despite of it all blows my mind. I so want to constantly exist in this state of wonder. Even just reflecting on how far He's brought me in a year overwhelms me. Heck, for that matter, months!
I went back and listened to the Ring podcast of when I gave my testimony last year. I can distinctly remember sitting down after and being certain that I'd made zero sense and had just spent the last five minutes rambling and sounding very self-focused. But NAY! God's so much bigger then me! My story has so much power in it (even the abridged version I gave). I love the way the lyrics from Chris Tomlin's "Our God", "Our God is greater, our God is stronger" don't necessarily define what He's greater then, because He's greater then everything. He's greater then my insecurity and my past, and He needs me to love my story so I can share it with others and bring them to Him with it.
Today's my birthday. The day I actually started living.
I'm struggling to find my normally graceful words to talk about this because all I can do when I'm really excited is squeal and smile. (Insert squeal and smile here) I'm so thankful for my phenomenal community at the Ring, the people who walk with me everyday, the ones who are walking ahead of me as an example, and for Meg and Josh, the best leaders anyone could ask for (Clergy Appreciation Month-holla!) I'm thankful that God snatched me from the grave and gave me life, and I'm thankful for the command I have on my life to point back to Him.
Here's a link to the podcast with my testimony, if you're interested. There's other people on it as well, and the whole thing is for sure worth listening to. (I start at the 32 minute mark) I hope if you listen to it, it points you back to what it's really about. Not me, but my Savior.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/ring-community-church-podcast/id345942819
Podcast #52 (in case the numbers change, its from 9/20/09)
{Note: if you don't want to listen to the whole thing, you need to click on the "view in iTunes" link so you can actually fast-forward.}
Jesus has the power to make me
Fearless
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