It's always a strange mix between very sweet and really painful to have honest people in your life. The people who can speak encouraging truth about the person you are when you've lost sight of it. And also the people you can make you look at something you've been ignoring for a really long time, and make you be real with yourself.
News Flash: I've always known I can come across as unapproachable. The new part is that I've never examined why, or what that looks like for my community. Totally selfish. Frick.
First off, I need to be honest and say that sometimes I've really loved being that way. I've loved being the rowdy friend that you always know is going to step up and have something to say. It's been a ball knowing people were intimidated by my 5'1" little self simply because I've got a mouth on me. It's not so fun when your dear friend is confessing that they struggle with being honest with you or your boyfriend's reminding you that you don't always have to be threatening to bash peoples' heads in.
So why am I this way? Because I went to public school.
I'm kidding. That's only part of it.
I wasn't always this feisty. In fact, I used to hate confrontation. But you know what I hate more then confrontation? Being a doormat. So at some point in my high school experience, I decided I was through apologizing all the time and that I was going to be a big girl, gosh dangit. Somewhere in the journey to become said "big girl", I just became a fighter. I started using my extensive vocabulary and eventually my fists to beat up on the people who tried to beat up on me. (Those of you who don't know me well are probably very confused by the fists bit. Just follow me, it's not important) And then, the worst part of it all, I held very tightly onto this part of me as I began my Christian walk. It's been a part of my flesh I have straight up refused to give to God. Why? Because I find so much identity in my rowdiness. To the point that I hide behind it. I would much rather people see me as "pissed off and doing something about it" then the reality, which is wounded and offended.
It's been a life long struggle for me to let people see the real Blake. Hence, the blog. But I've always wanted people to.
I'll be honest, I had never even thought about looking around and seeing the effect my bad attitude had on the people I love. I had never realized that mouthy=your friends are scared to talk to you. All I cared about is that people tended to mess with me less. It's been cool to see how God has directly used people and situations in my life to start stripping this away from me.
He made me realize how often I lose my temper, and how much that doesn't look like His son.
He made me realize that that girl I just said I'd like to punch in the mouth? That's His creation too.
He made me realize that if I continue to live behind my walls, I'll end up alone.
He made me realize that anger does not = love, and that's what I'm called to.
"A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."
...people describe me as hot-headed all the time. Frick.
I won't lie, I feel like God's ripping off a limb with this one. I'm afraid I'll never beat it, but I know with Him I will. I can't find my identity in "firecracker" or "hot-headed" anymore, because those things don't point back to Jesus.
I will always be passionate. That is who Jesus was. But passionate about the right things.
Just living life, trying my hardest to be