I find that sometimes I avoid blogging because I feel like I'll be writing the same thing I just wrote a week ago. That's mostly because I keep having to wrestle with the same issues day in and day out, sometimes they just have a different spin or angle. I wake up everyday and have to fight my flesh. I have to fight my self-deprecating nature and try my hardest to see myself the way Christ does. I have to fight to put aside my selfishness in order to be the woman and sister in Christ that Jesus calls me to be.
I'm not sure when this voice in my head that tells me I can't do anything and am worth nothing came about, but I hate it. For the longest time it's just sat in the very back of my brain and spewed lies. The hardest part in beginning to wage war against this voice was just realizing it was there. For years, every time I set out to do something that would be difficult or challenging, my brain immediately reacted with "Nope. You can't do this. You're going to fail. Might as well just quit now, before you make a fool of yourself." Do you know how many things I've talked myself out of doing for fear of failure??
Or even worse is the voice telling me how selfish I'm being, when I in fact am not. I don't know if I can really explain it, but I have an extremely over-developed sense of guilt (I partly blame genetics, my mother is the same exact way.) There are countless opportunities I've walked away from, and even more situations I've stayed in that I should've walked away from because I felt bad. I felt bad. I felt like, by taking care of myself, I was failing that other person. When in reality, I was only failing myself.
I was scared to do the difficult things, which are a part of life, a part of life that make you stronger.
I recently was presented with such a situation, and for one of the first times in my life, I was able to defeat the voice in my head that started lying to me right from the start, and do what I needed to do. I was able to pull myself up, deal with the cards I was handed, and take care of myself. It was uncomfortable and down right miserable at points, but Jesus and I prevailed. I have never prayed so much, nor have I ever seen God's presence and provision quite so blatantly in my life. Overwhelmed to the point of tears, I got to sit back and watch the Savior of the Universe just down-right show off. It was cool. He took care of me, and helped me have the strength of overcome the lies and follow His will.
Life's getting really good...I can barely keep the smile off of my face. For the first time in years, I can catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and truly believe that I'm beautiful and loved and redeemed. It's a good place to be.
Yeah, it's good to be