Whew!

Today I woke up different. I can't explain it, except to say that I think God did some kind of miracle on my heart while I was sleeping. Allow me to 'splain.

This is my friendship/relationship philosophy:

 I trust you to the moon & back, 110%, totally and completely-until you give me a reason not to. Then I'm going to hold you at arm's length for a while. And if you continue to burn me-you will get shut out. And then I'll probably hold a grudge and some bitterness for a really long time.

I think the beginning of the philosophy is healthy. Trust. Openness. Transparency. And even the second part, that when someone wrongs you, you need to take a step back and reevaluate, pray, and give them time to do the same. {I wrote a blog post on boundaries over a year ago-here} But clearly, part three is whack. Shut out? Grudge? Bitterness? Oh yeah, that's super healthy. And I don't want this to sound like I'm grudgin' against a bunch of people here, I don't see myself as a super bitter person. But there are some people from my past that I've been holding on to some stuff that's only hurting me. One of my favorite quotes is "Holding a grudge against someone is like letting them live rent free in your head." You get that, right? That holding a grudge really hurts you the most. You're the one that's got that nasty knot in their gut, negativity swirling around their head, you're the one missing out on how much freedom there is in forgiveness.

Forgiveness. It's so much more than just saying the words. It has to be deep and real and true and genuine. And I'm kind of starting to think it has to be God. I'm spit-ballin' here, but I'm starting to believe that maybe there's some people that you just have to hand over to God and go Daddy...this person really bums me out. And I don't want to hold on to this shit anymore. Can we fix this? Can you fix this in me? And then step back and let the Master show off.

Because that's what He's doing in me today. Showing off. Bitterness from years ago, people. High school. Beginning of college. The girls who made my life hell. The friend that walked away. The boy that broke my heart, and the girl who facilitated. I feel like I'm shrugging off years of chains and weight and it kind of makes me want to dance a jig.

Does this post accurately portray the joy I'm feeling right now? Probably not. That's okay. I did my best :)