I haven't posted in five days. That's kind of a long time. And to be honest, it's because I haven't really felt like I've had very much to say. I could write a novel on how tired I am right now, but that's not very uplifting or challenging.
I've been so tired this week I haven't even had the strength to put my walls up, so it's actually been a rather easy and good couple of days. While I do still have to make a concerted effort to focus on being happy and positive, it's coming a little more effortlessly every day. This always results in less conflict with Alex, and yeah, I'll take that.
I don't know if people can see the change in me, I'd like to think they do. But it doesn't matter that much, I can feel the change. I can feel the weight that's been lifted off my chest and the freedom to laugh and see life a little clearer. I'm enjoying being an active participant in my life. I'm getting to know myself, what I want, and who I am. The moments of clarity and liberty are becoming so frequent that they're beginning to blur together and become the norm everyday.
Want to know why? Because I'm putting my stock in Jesus. Everyday, every minute, every second. The sad reality of life is that people, even the ones that love you more then they can bear, will let you down. Just like you'll let the people who mean more to you then life down as well. I can't imagine living day to day without a constant confidant that I know will never leave me or let me down. A friend and a Father that pours His love and grace into me until I overflow, and being able to use that overflow to love the people around me.
For those who don't know the story of the last 6 months of Alex and I's relationship, here's a small recap:
He decided in September or October that his desire is to coach football on the collegiate level. This is a big change from his original plan of construction. So, with the hopes that he and I are meant to spend the rest of our lives together, I hopped on board. To say the ride has been easy would be a lie. It's been hard, with God having to change a lot of my plans and desires that I was gripping onto way too tightly. We've had to jump over a lot of hurdles, but we've made it.
The most recent (and biggest) hurdle came in the form of having to become okay with the fact that I may not ever live in Louisiana ever again after next year, and would probably be moving from place to place quite a bit. I won't even go into the emotions and fears I had with that, there were a lot of them. I kept telling Alex that as a woman "I need roots. I need to set roots somewhere and have a home that I know I'll be living in longer then a few years."
A couple of weeks ago I went home to Covington and attended church with my family. I got distracted during the sermon and began to flip though my Bible. I randomly landed on Psalm 1. The first couple of verses knocked me on my butt.
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
I heard a very clear voice of God saying Set your roots in Me, not in the place you live. That moment I decided I'd follow Alex anywhere that he felt God was leading him (even to the North. Hah.)
So here I go. A tired, hurdle jumping, Jesus trustin', travelin' woman on a journey that leads where only God knows.
I am Fearless.