i love that you get cold when it's 71° out

The only movie scene I would ever need to watch. Happy New Years, guys.

Oh, also, you should go watch this.

if he knows Jesus, then he's dateable, right?

I didn't involve Jesus in my dating life until I was around 18. I've always known Jesus, as long as I can remember. But he really wasn't an active part of my life until my freshman year of college. That's when my relationship with him became mine; became real & became something worth living for. Entering the world of Christian dating was like learning how to walk all over again. There were all these rules and guidelines. Everybody got married at like...17 it felt like. And a lot of the boys were wearing these masks of false chivalry that I had no idea how to see through. I quickly adopted my only dating rule.

If he knows Jesus, he's dateable. 

That was about it. Did we meet at church? Did he talk about Jesus every once in a while? Alright. God wants me to date him. And boy, did that rule burn me. Being someone who does pretty much everything at 150%, dating was no exception. Having not yet learned the whole cliche but n "guard your heart" mantra, and believing that since these boys loved Jesus they were trustworthy, I invested everything in my next few {disastrous} relationships. I dated boys I had no business dating. Some because they had baggage and issues that no girl should be a part of carrying. Some because we just had absolutely nothing in common. Some because we were worse for each other than Sid and Nancy.. But it was all because I was holding them to one, single standard. Whether they knew Jesus. And while that should always be a game-changer, it can't be the only one. Because let's be real, we all know people who know Jesus and still treat others like dirt. We all know people who go to church, have bible verses in their "about me" on facebook, but don't talk like Jesus. Don't act like Jesus. And realistically, have no interest in being anything like Jesus any way. 

I know that this can start to read a lot like me simply pointing fingers. I'm not. For a while in the beginning, this was me. At church every Sunday, Proverbs 31:25 firmly placed on my facebook page, but stringing boys along like it was going out of style. That quickly turned into me being strung along. I'll never forget the first boy I liked after I started going to church. Very well respected and known in the church I was attending, I was pretty confused when he went out of his way to talk to me. I was used to the one making all the moves. Church Boy asked me for my number, started calling, and took me on a couple of really creative dates. It was one of the most innocent and pure relationships {I use the term relationship loosely} I was ever a part of. Until one night he asked me if I was going to kiss him goodnight. I had already decided that the next boy I kissed would be my boyfriend, not someone I was just hanging out with. I politely explained this to Church Boy, who promptly disregarded my words & went in for the kill. Shocked, but naive enough to still be charmed, I left floating. I was quickly crashed back to earth when Church Boy informed a few weeks later that "I'd gotten the wrong idea about what was going on with us". Cute. My first Christian heartbreak.

But I'd partially done it to myself. The only measuring stick I held Church Boy {and the next 2 or 3 guys I went out with} up to was that he knew who Jesus was. His disregard for my choice to wait to kiss him should have been a major red flag. None of these boys were seeking Jesus at the time. None of them had any interest in centering our relationship around Christ. I can remember once, in a really difficult time, asking one guy I was dating if he'd prayed about a big decision he was making. When he answered "no", I asked if he wanted to pray about it now. His answer to that was also "no". Red. Flag. I attribute some of my lack of direction to the fact that deep down, I'd already bought in to the lie that no man worth having would ever want me. That these day dreams of a man who reminded me of Jesus were just that-day dreams. & I carried this in to every relationship I was a part of in college. It took about 22 years, 3 failed relationships, & 1 major heartbreak to realize, you know...at this point, I'll pretty much date anyone {cringe}. But it's the truth. I had become the queen of making excuses for the boys I was dating, even when I knew that they were awful. When my friends looked at me like I had two heads as I told them stories of things done & said, I would spit out "we met at church!", "he's been a Christian forever!". Sometimes I even resorted to lying, both to them and myself. "He really makes me a better person" & "he pushes me to know Christ more". No he didn't. I had learned how to tune out anyone who spoke ill of my decisions.

I had decided that even if he wasn't, I was going to make him "the one". 

This April, a youtube video changed my life. This one, in fact. You really need to go watch it before you keep reading. I'll give you a second. Back? Okay. The whole thing just blew me away. I felt like God reached in my chest and stuck His finger straight in my heart. Every word breathed truth into my life, into the way I lived, into who I was. I had to watch it about 5 more times to really soak it in. And suddenly, there it was. What I had been missing hit me straight in the face. I had been failing to hold up the men in my life to a righteous and holy standard, and here it was, in words. 

When you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon's wisdom.

Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses.

Your faith will remind me of Abraham.

Your confidence in God's word will remind me of Daniel.

Your inspiration will remind me of Paul.

Your heart for God will remind me of David.

Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah.

Your integrity will remind me of Joseph.

And your ability to abandon your own will will remind me of the disciples.

But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of

Christ.

I clung to the verses of this poem for dear life. I prayed over them, journaled them, memorized them. I began praying that God would make me into the kind of woman that a man like this would love. I started praying for my future husband again, a practice I'd learned in youth group, but had abandoned around the age of 15. I prayed these things over him, that they'd be traits God would be cultivating in him. I stopped looking around for a man, and started paying attention to the huge work my Father was doing in me. And I started praying that it would be really apparent to me when this man walked into my life. I'm kind of terrible at praying intentionally, I like to pray in all-encompassing, not too specific ways because I feel like I'm being demanding, but 1 John 4:14-15 kind of disputes that mentality. So I started praying that there would be no question. I took the prayer from the poem and started praying it over myself and my future-"But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth. Only if you should see fit. I desire your will above mine, so even if you call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with you-the One who was sent." 

Matt Chandler once did a sermon on singleness and dating, and he touches on the fact that so many girls are earnestly praying for a mate and seeking righteousness, but 90% of their focus is still on finding someone. You know that super awesome Christian line that everyone throws around-"the second you stop looking, someone walks into your life"? All that does it set you up for failure, because you "stop looking" with the hopes of God dropping some really great guy in your lap. It just doesn't work that way. We have to have faith that we serve the Author of Time, and that he knows the very second that it's right. Let go of your preconceived notions and abandon your need to be with someone, for the all-consuming love of the Father. And don't do it because you think that means he'll give you a boyfriend, please. Do it because no one's going to satiate your need for love or make you feel more complete than He will. And because it's what he's created us for, to love him. And maybe, one day, some guy will walk in to your life that reminds you of Solomon. Of Moses, Abraham, Daniel, Paul, David, Noah, Joseph, the disciples. And most importantly, Jesus. And all the past heartbreak, all the doubts and arguments with God, will be faint memories in light of the joy and thankfulness. 

awkward + awesome wednesday

awkward:
-J broke his thumb. Like serious, had to have surgery broke it. And how he has this huge cast. That I run into & bump regularly. He really has no hope around me. Our time together consists of him dodging my unintentional attempts to punch him in the hand and me profusely apologizing.
-Y'all, I think my ability to listen to a song on repeat or watch a movie every day is starting to be unhealthy. I can leave the same DVD in the player for a week and watch it every night {usually Beetlejuice or Alice in Wonderland}. Or listen to one song on repeat for like an hour {Currently-"You" by Chris Young}. That's not normal, is it?
-Ok. I've gotten into this terrible habit of licking J's face when I'm feeling weirder than normal. Sometimes he just makes his "you're the weirdest" face at me and let's it go. But other times he waits a little bit and then NINJA licks my face 100 times worse than I did. It's so gross, y'all. Don't worry, we already know we're strange. And awkward.
-Trying on bridesmaids dresses is a little awkward on it's own, right? Add in that you're trying them on after the bride's tall, slender, beautiful, and graceful sister and it's awkward gold. And you know I made it more awkward by walking around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame most the time. And droppin it low in every dress to make sure they were dance-in-able. And making pregnant bellies in all the empire waisted ones {you're welcome for the picture} Thank goodness my best friend already loves me and made me her MOH.

awesome:
-I keep having these overwhelming "I'm so ridiculously blessed" moments that literally stop me in my tracks. This job, my home, my family, J, J's family. Sometimes I just have to take a second.
-Having J with me at Christmas was pretty much one of the most awesome parts of my year. I just love that dude. Ok. Gush fest over. I'm sorry.
-Have you seen the movie Super 8? Probably not. You should rent it.
-I'm such a huge fan of making J laugh. And it's so easy! Last night we laid around talking and goofing off and he was just rolling. And idk, that just leaves my heart real full.
-This song, on repeat. Add Josh Turner? Swoon.

what 2011 taught me about myself

I'm a lot stronger than I originally thought, but only when I lean on Jesus. I've always known I was tough, but there's a big difference between tough & strong. Being tough meant I could withstand, make it through, endure. But I was broken, and constantly hurting and aching for something more than always being "okay". It wasn't until I learned how to let go of the reigns that I started being strong. Being strong means you move forward. Being strong means you do more than endure, you thrive. Being strong means you can put others before your well-being because it's how Jesus would do it. "For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe." {Psalm 61:3} I'm not the strong one, He is strong through me. But it's so much better than just being tough. {read the post on this here}

I've never had a real standard as far as dating goes. Which is just crazy talk since I had the greatest model of love and marriage sitting in front of my face from my parents my entire life. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why I went the dating route that I did. But I dated a bunch of selfish idiots {sorry if somehow one of you is reading this. But I mean....} Not to say I was perfect by any means, but c'mon girl, you've got to draw the line somewhere. But I never did. I bought into the widely accepted dating philosophy of if he loves Jesus then he meets all the criteria. Um...no. There's a blog post on this in the works, but if you're reading this and realizing that you view dating this way, please email me. We need to talk. Because the biggest heartbreak I ever went through was caused by someone who loved Jesus, and could've been avoided if I'd been holding the men I allowed into my heart up against Jesus for comparison. It wasn't until after that heartbreak that I began to realize that something needed to change, and started searching the Bible for examples of righteous men that I wanted my future husband to look like {a la Solomon, David, Paul, Joseph, etc.} and how they mirrored Jesus. And then I found him :) {read the post on this here}

I'm not great at slowing down and really enjoying life. This is a recent discovery. Flying down the interstate, writing a note of reminders, eating dinner, on my way to have coffee with a friend, it just hit me. Oh my gosh, you're that girl. I do everything at a million miles a minute. And by everything, I mean from the second my feet hit the floor in the morning until I turn off the light at night, my brain never stops. I have to remember to breathe most the time. I'm 23 years old and I already work through my lunch hour half the time. Go go go go, do do do do. It has to stop. So for now I'm taking rational steps towards peace. I gave myself a whole minute to wake up this morning rather than flying out of the bed. I just laid there and thanked God for the day and breathed. When I feel myself getting all amped up, I make myself stop, close my eyes, focus on my breathing, and talk to God. "Be still and know that I am God" {Psalm 46:10} quickly gets lumped with all the other verses I learned in bible school, the ones that get over-looked because they're so widely known. But how much am I missing out on when I make it through and entire day without taking a moment to really be still and let it soak in that I am the beloved of the one true God?


I may have a quick recovery rate, but if something knocks me down-it takes me out of the game for a while. This one reared it's ugly head around July. Did you read in the beginning about being tough instead of strong? Back then I was still being tough. It takes a lot to knock me on my butt, I like to think I'm fairly resilient. But the stuff I went through in July was knock me out of the game, can barely get out of bed, fighting back tears all day, heart broken bad. It had been a really long time since I'd been that sad. That destroyed. And even though I quickly took it to God, that didn't immediately mean that the constant tightness in my chest dissipated. I was in pain for a while, but I can look back and see that every step of the way, God carried me {cheesy, but true}. I'm thankful for a God who uses bad situations to grow us and stretch us and turn us into the servants of Him that we were meant to be. I'm thankful for a God who makes me strong when I shouldn't be, and who really understands when I tell Him I feel like I can't go on, but knows I can.


And then there are the smaller, more light-hearted things I learned about myself:
-I really was meant to be with a country boy. Plain and simple.
-I have an affinity for keeping track of important dates and times. Bordering on obsessively. J tries to pretend it's cute, but I know it's annoying sometimes.
-There are things about me that are just me, that are never going to change. And that that's okay.
-Since I started doing awkward + awesome Wednesday, I've come to learn I'm a lot more awkward than I would've originally thought....
-I'm actually kind of funny. Kind of.
-I can watch the same DVD every day for about a week before I get sick of it. It's ridiculous.
-I'm a total sap. I've fought this for a really long time {I was tough, remember?}, but I just can't anymore. I cry all the time. At everything. And I love it.

mary was still a mom

When we think Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus, this is was we call to mind, right? Divine, serene, fresh-faced. Holy. Mary doesn't get a whole ton of attention, which is understandable. Her son kind of stole the show, it was to be expected. But with Christmas quickly approaching, for some reason this time around I've been thinking a lot about Mary. Not forgetting that obviously the arrival of our Savior is the most important part of the celebration, but just  taking a second to dwell on the role of his mother. I find myself attempting to put myself in her shoes.

Historians speculate that Mary was between 14-16. Ok, first up, that's young. I know that times were different then, that betrothal almost always happened around that age and that it was the norm. But still. Young. Engaged to a carpenter, a virgin, still living with her parents. And then there's Gabriel. Which, let's just take a moment to absorb how completely over whelming it must have been to all the sudden have a glorious, radiant angel in front of you. And he greets her with "Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!" {Luke 1:28} Favored one? Me? I know that's what my brain's telling me at that point. And then Gabriel lays the hammer. Oh hey, you know how you're a virgin and all? Well God's going to place his Son in you, and you're going to be the mother of the Savior of the World. Cool? K. I mean, obviously way more eloquently than that, but can you imagine getting that news?! Mary's response? "Behold, I am a servant of the Lord, let it be to me according to your word." {Luke 1:38} Bam! Mary was a stud! What a humble, self-sacrificing response.

So now you have to break it to your fiance {that you've never had sex with...} that you're pregnant. And that it's God's. Uh huh. The book of Matthew notes that Joseph resolved to quietly divorce Mary. Bringing their situation to public light could have actually led to her death, since at the time adultery was an offense punishable by death. Being the righteous man that he was Joseph decided to take care of it behind the scenes. Can you imagine how stressed out you would've been if you were Mary? Um, God? This is real cool that you've decided you want me to mother the King of the world and all...but my fiance's about to break up with me. And everyone's going to think I'm a slut. An angel visits Joseph to let him know that the child she is carrying is in fact the Holy Spirit's, and that he needs to take her as his wife. Again, Joseph is a righteous dude, and he follows the commands of his God. Good man, that Joseph.

The decree of census goes out, and it's time for Mary & Joseph to travel to Bethlehem. Mary is serious pregnant at this point. Riding on a donkey/walking. From Nazareth to Bethlehem. Y'all that's like 80 miles. No way Jose I'm going all that way all huge and pregnant and swollen feet. But she did it. And if I had to take a wild guess, she probably didn't complain a whole lot, like I would. They make it to Bethlehem, and can't find a place to stay. Every single room in the joint is booked. So they end up in a barn. A stinky, uncomfortable, loud barn. Let's keep remembering Mary's 9 months pregnant. And 15. And then it's time. At this point, the song Silent Night kind of cracks me up, because I have a feeling it was less than silent. But I wasn't there, so who knows. All I know is child birth sucks and hurts and she was doing it in a manger with no epidural. Sweaty & tired & over-joyed & in pain, she pushes through childbirth. Jesus is born. I'd venture to believe she feels the same rush of emotions every new mom feels, so in love with her precious baby boy, no idea of the plans that lay before Him.

This is what I see when I think of Mary. Tired, sweaty, but so in love. One of my favorite verses in the entire Christmas story is after the shepherds have arrived, "But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." {Luke 2:19} How beautiful is that? She's just experienced an immaculate conception and given birth to the son of God, but she's still a mother. She still feels like her heart's going to explode from how much she loves this little babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. For some reason this Christmas reason, I love Mary even more than before. I love her for carrying my Savior, for being brave & a faithful servant of God. I love her because she stored all the sweet things surrounding her baby's birth in her heart, just like I will one day. I found the below video on youtube. I love it for depicting a real life Mary. For the honesty in her face as she rode on the donkey to Bethlehem. You can see in her face "crap this is uncomfortable". It's long, but it's heartwarming if you have the time.

Merry Christmas guys. I hope your weekend is full of laughter and joy and good time with your families. And that you really do remember what you're celebrating, the birth of a Savior. Not Santa :)

merry + bright

Have you seen this youtube video? Dancing with an iPod in Public? It's my new favorite. And then he went and made a Christmas edition. I've decided I want to re-create it {as I'm sure plenty have people have}. Anyone down to video for me?

And while enjoying this video yesterday, I somehow ended up in the youtube world of flash mobs. It's one of my life goals to be in a flash mob {no really, it's number 12 on my 30 before 30 list}. So I thought I'd share a couple of  my favorites.

For some reason, this one makes me cry every time. I don't know why! Maybe it's the nostalgic factor of the song or the idea of that many people doing something like this, but it just gets me every time.




And this one's just fantastic as hell. Get it girls!
{Fun fact about me: I know all the choreography to Single Ladies. Yes. My roommate and I spent an unnecessary amount of time our sophomore year of college learning it. Makes for great party entertainment. I also know all the moves to Britney's Slave 4 U.}
Happy 3 days before Christmas!

awkward + awesome

awkward:
-Last week I got all amped about Rotollo's calzones, convinced J to go, and then ate the ENTIRE thing. I thought I was going to die. As we walked out the restaurant I groaned "Ahhhh I'm sooo full" right in some man's face that was walking in. Hi, I'm the queen of awkward. Nice to meet you.
-This weather is the wooooorrrrst. Can I get an amen? 75° in December is straight up unacceptable. Plus the mugginess is making me feel like my hair is wet all the time. Gross.
-So Monday night J and I both had copious amounts of cleaning & laundry to do at our respective houses, so we resolved to not hang out. I walked into the hallway after coming home to change and realized I was wearing blue plaid pajama pants, my raccoon wearing a scarf sweater, pink slippers, & my hair on top of my head. I walked by my roommates room and she laughed. My ability to be awkward with out trying astounds me.
-I eat way too fast. It's a fact that has been a part of me since I was a child. My parents used to daily tell me "your food isn't going anywhere, Blake. Slow down." And now, when I choke on stuff because I'm inhaling,  J just looks at me and goes "eaaassy". It's embarrassing and endearing. I'm pretty much 6 and don't know how to eat without choking.
-Is it bad that I'm almost ready for Christmas to be over so people will stop asking if we're getting engaged for Christmas? And yes, I know that this is the second time this topic has been in awkwards. C'est la vie.

awesome:
-Every once in a while I get super overwhelmed by peoples' reception of my blog. Like, tears and heart racing and deep breaths. And then I get even more overwhelmed as I thank God for the opportunity to speak some truth into peoples' lives with what He teaches me. So, to every person who reads, comments, reposts, retweets, texts, etc-thank you. Deeply, sincerely. It makes it easier to be transparent when you're so encouraged all the time.
-I'm starting to play with the idea of writing a book. So yeah...there's that.
-How wonderful is the new awkward + awesome picture? Yes.
-I have a recently acquired affinity for yoga {& by yoga I mean the 30 minute DVD I bought like a year ago} & my "ambient/new age" Pandora station. I'm attempting to join the centered movement & learn how to slow down a little bit. Next step-learn how to meditate & go to hot yoga. I'll keep you updated.

-I won these babies during our community group's white elephant game last night. I had to puppy dog eye and beg a few people not to steal them from me, but I emerged victorious. And I love them.

the women who love men who love porn

Let's be real. Everyone's uncomfortable right now. I know, and I'm sorry. But the purpose of Fearless has become to talk about the things that no one will talk about. So let's do this. Deep breaths.{disclaimer: this isn't about my relationships. k? I don't want this to look like I'm dragging anyone's personal struggles through the mud. read it objectively.}

I remember the first time I encountered porn on the internet. I was the tender age of 9, & it was in a pop up as I was searching the internet for pictures of my current hero, Tara Lipinksi {ice skater. anyone? anyway..} It scared the hell out of me. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I knew it wasn't okay. I quickly clicked out of it, shut the computer down, and walked away. I didn't talk to anyone about it...I didn't know it was, so I didn't know what to talk to them about. I wouldn't have any further contact with porn outside of the occasional pop-up {which still gives me heart palpitations} for the years to come. And for that I am thankful & blessed.

There are plenty of women out there who struggle with porn, even though it's heavily considered a man's world. But that's not really something I can shed a whole lot of light on. What I can talk about is the effect porn has on the women who love men who look at it. Let's just cut straight to the chase, it wrecks women.  I'm not usually a big statistics spitter, but in this case, a few seem necessary. In 2011, porn was a 13 million dollar industry. An average of 260 new sites go up daily. Every second, 28,258 people are watching porn online. And this is the one that makes me feel like I'm going to throw up: on average, boys start watching porn at 11. Eleven.

So if you start watching porn at eleven, and enter your first serious relationship at say, 20, you have 9 years worth of degradation of sex and women under your belt already. Because that's what porn does. It takes a beautiful, God-created thing and demeans it to a simple act for your viewing & self-satisfying pleasure. And deny it all day, but it changes the way you look at women. It turns them into worthless play things, useful for only one thing. It wrecks you, and it wrecks the woman who loves you.

Every woman I've ever talked to that found out their significant other was looking at porn has said the same two sentences. "I feel like I got cheated on", & "I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm never going to look like those girls".

"I feel like I got cheated on"

Because you did. Maybe he didn't go out to a bar and hit up some girl and then take her home, but he may as well have. He found pleasure from a woman that's not you {if you're not married, that's not your job yet either, but that just means it's no one's job at the moment}. And regardless of if he's your boyfriend or husband, it's going to be really hard to shake the reality that now, any time things do get intimate, he's got some other female's body in his brain. Very few men I've encountered really understand the tenuity of a woman & her sexuality. I know some of you girls are going to want to drop kick me for this, but we're rather delicate creatures. Hell yea we're strong & hard workers & capable of doing life right along with you, but we're not quite as hard as the rough-and-tumble men we love. So this crap devastates us. And it breaks us. And it makes us not trust you. And it makes us feel cheated.

"I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm never going to look like those girls". 

But you are. You are good enough. And no, you probably don't look like those girls, but that's so more than okay. In actuality, it's preferable, isn't it? As if my heart didn't already break enough for the women caught up in the porn industry, the realization that it's unlikely that very many of them look anything like their real selves anymore is so saddening. Pumped full of silicone & fillers, these women are shadows of the people they used to be, in both the emotional and physical. So no, your measurements aren't 36DD/22/30, but you know you're beautiful. And whole. And loved. You can't let your partner's mistakes destroy who you are as a person. Plus, if you're in a truly loving relationship {because I can't find it in myself to say that because your partner struggles with pornography you have no hope and are doomed}, your external beauty isn't the only thing that draws your man to you. It's your genuineness, your faithfulness, your laugh, your oddities, your fire. Those are things he's never going to find in the women behind the screen. He loves you more than he enjoys the feeling those women give him. Now he needs to prove it.

Today, porn gets chalked up to just something dudes do. Like it's just normal & okay. I know I thought that way for a long time. But as God redeemed my views on sexuality, He also redeemed my view of our culture's mastication of it. We are a desensitized society, proficient in the ways of that's just how it is. But it's not. Or it shouldn't be. There is redemption at hand. There is a revolution taking place of men relearning how to be men. I can feel it and it's exciting. And they need their women to be rallying behind them, just like we need them behind us reminding us that we are not of this world, but of Christ. Moving forward from a partner's pornography habits is hard, but it's possible. It takes a lot of forgiveness and prayer and allowing yourself to feel hurt, but not staying there. Refusing to allow your identity tank, but instead choosing to place your existence in your Savior rather than the man you love's mistakes. It takes change on his part, it takes the reestablishment of trust {which is so hard, but worth it}, and most of all it just takes Jesus.

"And through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy & blameless & above reproach before Him." -Colassians 1:20-22

what 2011 taught me about love

Just because you've been together a while, doesn't mean it all goes to crap. In my last relationship, I told myself that it was normal that we were as miserable as we were together. We've been together two years, I guess this is just how it is. Never mind that I have parents who have been together upwards of 25 years and are very obviously not miserable. People who are meant to be together don't get miserable after 2 years, they get better. They are more in love than the beginning & work better than they ever did. If you're unhappy at that point, it's probably because you just don't work together. And that's freaking hard to accept. But after only two years, you shouldn't be fighting this much, you shouldn't feel like strangers, you shouldn't feel worthless & unloved. Actually...you should never feel that way in your relationship.{read the post on this here.}

Sometimes you have to walk away. This is probably one of the biggest lessons I learned in 2011 in general, not even specifically in love. Quitting anything doesn't come easy for me, even when it should. And especially not quitting a person I've poured into for 2 years. But at some point, enough is enough. At some point, it's just abuse & you're making a conscious decision to stay. I am now a firm believer in the validity of the cliche "you're so deep in the forest you can't see the trees", but am thankful for a God who opens eyes & restores broken hearts. A God who makes it easy to walk away because it's His desire for your heart to be full & healed. I never thought it'd be so painless to walk away from a 2 year long relationship, but after the initial tears, there were no more. There was actually joy & peace that I hadn't felt in months. And for the first time in 2 years, I feel like me again. Not the crushed & insecure me I had been, but the me my Father has always intended me to be. And all I had to do was walk away. {read the post on this here.}

Giving in to sexual temptation will destroy your relationship. You don't think it will, I know. I didn't. You think it's making you closer, it's something only the two of you share, it makes you feel all desirable and loved. But it's actually ripping you apart from the inside out because you're not married & you're sinning. It creates scars & walls & most of all keeps the two of you from reaching your real potential as a couple. You're so focused on the physical part of your relationship, you miss out on the beauty of getting to know one another. You're so distracted by when are we going to make out? how far is it going to go? that you forget to talk and learn about one another and fall in love. You're only hurting yourselves. It twists what sexuality is really supposed to be and leaves you with this whacked out mentality that takes some serious redemption by Jesus, & lots of baggage. No one seems to want to talk about this, but the reality is that it needs to be talked about because we're clueless, & we're killing our relationships. {read the post on this here.}

Love really is patient, kind, not envious, arrogant, or rude. It really does bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, & endure all things. This was another big one. I had really great examples of love in my life from my parents, but parental love is different from relationship love, and you kind of have to learn it on your own. So if the first person you fall in love with doesn't know how to really love someone either, it's unlikely that you learn that love looks like this. In fact, it probably ends up looking pretty much opposite of this. But thankfully, Jesus can redeem your definition of love. He can teach you how to love the way He loves, unconditionally. And then you fall in love with someone who puts others before himself & who is more in love with Jesus than he is with you or himself & your world gets rocked a little bit more every day. And between him & your growing relationship with Christ, you start to redefine love from a fuzzy feeling and a toleration of someone's annoyances to 1 Corinthians 13. And let me just tell you, loving someone with Jesus at the center of it is a whole different ball game. It's a completely different feeling. It has it's roots in Biblical truth & is the most stable, certain thing I've ever felt.

You have to talk about it. I love to talk, if you can't tell. I'm a big communicator. But after two years of every conversation turning into an argument, I learned to keep my opinions within a relationship to myself. But J's not having any of that. The first few months of our relationship were full of awkward {because I made them awkward} encounters about things we needed to talk about. Lots of me shutting down out of fear, lots of me saying "I really don't want to talk about this" & lots of him responding with "I don't care, talk to me." But he never got frustrated {okay, maybe a little}, he was always understanding but firm that we were going to talk about things when they need to be talked about. And our relationship is so much better for it. And now, it's almost easy for me to bring things up when they're bothering me. Almost.

There are still good men out there. I had my doubts. Even though I have lots of friends in love with wonderful men, married to wonderful men, & I have a father that daily exemplifies Christ's love for me-I had my doubts. I guess I more had a lack of confidence that there was still a good man out there for me. I had never really had one, a few here and there, but they hadn't stayed long. I'd mostly fallen for jerks who were too selfish to even notice me or my needs, and I had resigned to the fact that that was probably the kind of man I was going to end up with {and so had my best friend. poor girl, watching me date all these idiots.} And then there was J. The best man I've ever met. He's not perfect, but neither am I. And he loves me in a way that reminds me of my daddy and my Jesus. He restored my faith in man-kind. And I seriously pray that every one of my single friends finds a man like J, because every woman deserves a man like that. {read the post on this here.}

i was a kind of sucky blogger this week

I know I didn't crank out a whole lot of high quality blogs this week. Sometimes inspiration hits hard, and sometimes it doesn't. I've had to learn to be okay with that. I have a couple heavy ones in the chamber for next week, currently working on amping myself up to post them.

But for now I will day dream about {short} road tripping with J this weekend for family Christmas with his family, preparing myself for all the "when are y'all getting married?"s, and getting hype about the fact that Christmas is but a week away {oh & putting stickers on manilla folders. so glamorous.} So because I totally short changed y'all this week, here's a snippet of my out of this world Christmas playlist. I'll share more later.

Also, what's up 50 followers! Kind of crazy that about a month & a half ago I was at 16? Crazy humbled and thankful to have the chance to share my story with people. If you read Fearless on the reg & want to subscribe, it's super easy. Just hit that blue button on the left & follow the steps. Happy Friday guys! Have a good weekend.

instagram unload: birthday weekend edition

Fireside @ the parents

The girls I can't & won't do life without.

Fancy birthday attire. Isn't he just the handsomest?

"That's fresh. Sh*t that's good."

Navajo scarf! Birthday gift to myself. F21.

Another bday gift to myself. You know you love it.

Our winter wonderland house. & vintage aluminum tree.

And this was just too precious not to share. Baby J & his daddy. So sweet.

awkward + awesome

awkward:
-Let me just tell you about my morning right quick. Get up, get dressed, throw hair in a bun because I'm lazy. Go downstairs, pull 2 eggs out of the carton and put the pan on the stove. Eggs roll off of counter & smash on floor. While cleaning that up, I realize whatever was on the pan previously is smoking like crazy. Turn around to turn the stove off and knock a full glass of Dr. Pepper from the night before on the floor, counter, and walls. Turn stove off. Sit on floor & stare at the mess that has happened in the last 10 seconds. Start over.
-I really could just leave today's awkward at the first item, but there's more. How about how deep my love for New Girl's  Schmidt is beginning to run. Like my super witty {& equally in love with Schmidt} friend said, "if loving Schmidt is wrong, I don't want to be right".
-Grocery shopping alone at night at Wal Mart on Siegen. I literally fear for my life the entire time. And yes, I'm aware of the fact that that makes me sound like a bad person, but y'all that place is scary. I think I'm going to stick to making J go with me.
-You know what, I'm going to say it. The number of people who day-to-day ask me when J and I are getting married. And by people, I don't mean the ones who are close to us and care about us. I'm talking the complete randos that have no understanding of privacy. And it's bad y'all. I'm talking almost every day.


awesome:
-That today is my first day of work since last Thursday. 5 days of blissfully relaxing vacation.
-My refrigerator is covered in Christmas cards & save-the-dates, & it makes me so ridiculously giddy. And feel pretty adult.
-I think this year might have been the best birthday I've ever had. A pretty dress, lots of dancing, & so much laughing. Thanks so much to everyone who made it great!
-I'm starting to kind of rock at my job. Today, I helped some guys construct a blueprint for a hydraulic system for a paper mill. Yea, I'm a hustla.

guest post

I'm guest posting at one of my favorite blogs today! Just a little something about holiday favorites, but you should check it out. Tanya's pretty much the cutest. 

Mr. Taylor & His Lady

hope guides me

I love when I leave church and I can still feel the wheels turning. When it wakes up something inside of me that needs to be examined, that needs to be addressed. And because I go to such a rockin' church, this event happens pretty much weekly.

Where am I placing my hope?

You know, hope. The thing that gets you through the day, & especially the night {& yes, that is a quote from A Knight's Tale.} The thing that when all else fails, when everywhere you look things are falling apart, it keeps you together. Honest answer? Myself. I put my hope in myself. I'm the only person I can trust out here in this cruel world, right? I'm independent, I've gotten myself this far, & I know what's best for me. I wish I could say these last couple of sentences were past tense, that they were the way I used to feel. But these are thoughts and feelings that pass through my mind daily, like breathing. The reality is that this is all false. I fail myself every moment, and I can't do it all myself. Actually, I can't do any of it myself. 

"O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption." -Psalm 130:7

With Him is full redemption. And His love is unfailing. He is the reason I am who I am today, the reason I am where I am today, and the reason that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I get to spend eternity praising Him. How dare I place my hope in anything but Jesus? And how shaky of a foundation is it for me to stand on my abilities rather than His? His who have been proven for centuries, and have been proven every day of my existence?  He's the one who brings hope to the hopeless, joy to the joyless, peace to the anxious. And without Him I am all of those things. Thank you Jesus, that I don't have to try to do this on my own. My hope is in the Lord, the maker of heaven & earth.

Where's yours?

virgins: the silent minority

So, uh..I have a question.

When did being a virgin become so stinking uncool?

If you follow me on twitter, you saw that I tweeted the other day about the preview for the new TLC show "Virgin Diaries". Google it if you dare. I die. I can't even bring myself to link to it here. What our society has done to virginity {&, let's be real, sexuality in its entirety} just totally bums me out. It's kind of hard to believe that there used to be a day where it was something that was treasured and praised. That it was a desired trait in a mate. And even more shocking, not just for females. You mean there was a day where a man waited to have sex until he got married and wasn't shamed and ridiculed for it? Um...I want to go to there. Because we sure ain't there now {...40 Year Old Virgin, anyone? Most painful movie to watch ever?}

But it's not just men being slammed for waiting. It's us women too. I won't lie, I get a certain amount of pleasure out of peoples' reaction when they find out I'm waiting till I get married to have sex. A well-adjusted, relatively attractive female, in a committed relationship with an equally well adjusted and devastatingly handsome man...not having sex? It's fun watching their brain rattle around for a second before they respond. And if it's a guy, usually the response is "that's so cool. I really respect that." Which most the time is code for "Damn. If you change your mind, I'm your man." In a world where everywhere you turn, stereotypes are being enforced {thanks TLC for making it look like everyone who waits till they get married also eats their wife's face for their first kiss}, virginity is just plain lame. No wonder 16 year olds are auctioning off their first time on eBay for upwards of $27,000. No wonder there are kids 10 years younger than me that think I'm a total loser because they've had sex and I haven't.

I'm supposed to be embarrassed. I'm supposed to feel lame and incomplete, and want desperately to change this about myself. I'm supposed to awkwardly stammer through my explanation that I'm waiting until I get married to have sex, that I'm a 23 year old virgin. I'm supposed to have no concept of sexuality, or for that matter..social interaction in general. I'm supposed to think there's something wrong with me, and adhere to the society wide belief that I haven't had sex because no one has wanted to. But I can promise you that's just completely untrue.

I'm so proud that I've made it 23 years. Close to 18 of them with no concrete relationship with God holding me to purity, only an all-consuming fear of getting pregnant. I'm proud that I made it 4 years in the public school system {even though the rumor mill would have you believe I slept with God knows how many people}. Proud that I made it 4 years in college, 2 of them in a super serious relationship. I'm proud that I'm a normal, functioning member of society with a perfectly functioning sex-drive that has decided that sex is intended for the confines of marriage and has and is waiting until then to partake.

I'm so sick of being made to feel like a fool when the topic of sex comes up in secular situations and I have nothing to contribute. Sick of constant lies that are thrown in the faces of those who are choosing sexual purity over desensitization. And I'm sick of the fact that that's exactly the way society wants it to be. And I'm so tired of feeling like I should be quiet about my choice. Why are we are such a silent minority? "May the voice of the sexually pure rise up against the clamoring voice of the over-sexualized". It's time to reclaim the dignified place in society that we deserve. I will no longer be made to feel a fool because I choose sexual purity. I mean, I'm not saying we should make t-shirts or wear signs around our necks. But I will wear my purity ring as a reminder when it gets a little difficult. And unashamedly answer peoples' questions about why I wear the ring and what it stands for. And when need be, I'm not embarrassed to say "I've never had sex, so I kind of have no idea what you're talking about". There's nothing to be ashamed about here...

"Our society is doing to sex what people who chew with their mouths open do to food."

-Douglas Wilson

Let's chew with our mouths closed, people.

awkward + awesome wednesday

Awkward:
-Getting caught spitting rhyme along with Cam'ron in my car. Full on. I'm sorry I know all the words to Hey Ma & it's one of my favorite songs. Stop judging me with your eyes!
-I may or may not have also been dancing along with Hey Ma. In my defense, it was dark outside. And that song just makes me move.
-The incredibly whiny voice I did earlier today when I was frustrated with an order. My coworker looked at me and just said "are you serious? stop it." So embarassing.
-You know when you get really excited that one of your friend's kids is walking towards you and you crouch down and open up your arms and they go around you? That's always fun.
-How do uncles miraculously obtain the ability to be so awkward & inappropriate? And while it wasn't too awkward for me, there were a couple of moments the past couple of days that I think J wanted to die after his uncles opened their mouths.


Awesome:
-That today is my last full day of work for 5 days. That's right, starting tomorrow at noon, I'm off through Tuesday. Is that the Hallelujah chorus I hear?
-Birthday weekend full of plans to just hang out with friends that I don't always get to see.
-I can honestly say I never thought I'd be one of those girls whose mom was her best friend, but I am. My mama's my best friend. I love it and it's awesome.
-While the circumstances really, really sucked, it was really nice to get to be around J's family this week. They are just a fantastic group of people who make me feel more loved than any boyfriend's family ever has.
-Did I mention my parent's are giving me a new car? Yes sir. And while the Corolla has served me exceptionally well for the last 6 years, someone needs to buy it from me stat.

phoning it in

J's grandfather passed away Sunday, and the funeral was today. Between that and the sad weather outside today, I just don't have the heart to crank out a post today. All I can say is I'm incredibly thankful to have fallen in love with someone and simultaneously fallen in love with his family.

RIP Papa Z.

I love that your grandson is your twin.

And come to find out, "Taps" is the saddest song to ever be played.

say girl

I don't consider myself an exceptional beauty. Don't read that as self-degradation, I'm aware that I'm an attractive young lady. But I'm also aware I'm not getting all Carrie Underwood up in here either {or whoever you consider really beautiful. you get the point.} So you'll understand my confusion at the cat-calls and honks that happen when I walk down the street, right? I know for a fact I'm not the only girl that happens to, so I can't be the only one that gets confused. Sometimes I kind of whip around to make sure I'm not walking in front of some hottie McBody or something. Nope...that was at me. Okay. Weird. And then there's the quick array of thoughts that follow.

How do you feel when you get cat-called? Do you get angry and defensive? Do you find yourself walking with a little extra pep in your step? Confusion? All of the above? The last answer is me. And sometimes I can feel the entire range in the matter of a minute or two. But I tend to linger on the first for the longest. Anger. My feminist streak rises up & I want to grab the man by the collar and get in his face and ask him a barrage of questions.

Is that how you see women? Just a piece of meat you can honk at and say whatever you want to? And does that work? Do you honk and yell and girls just hop in your car and want you to have your way with them? What socialized you into thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable?! Because it's not...okay. It's not. It's rude and disgusting and sad. Stop it. 

And don't get me wrong, there have been a few men in my day who have gotten that barrage. The complete lack of respect for women in our society sickens me. And our culture really is raising men to believe that women are just something to look at and comment on {yes, this is me hating on the Victoria Secret Fashion Show and everything it stands for. yes I will meet you in the hallway to fight it out later. kidding.} But think about it. Those men who act that way think their actions are completely acceptable and normal. I really want to believe they have no idea how degrading and insulting it is. Do they know how greatly it diminishes our worth, and if we're not 100% invested in the kingdom, completely reduces us to items of lust in an oversexualized society?

It's so easy to be mad. Unfortunately, anger and yelling aren't going to cure that. I wish it would, because sometimes it just makes me feel better. I read this in an article yesterday and got all excited because it was pretty much word-for-word what I was in the middle of typing out for this post: "But, as a daughter of my heavenly king, my actions and my words are worth so much more than these irrational, emotionally-driven responses. Because the Lord has given me words to speak life into death and hope into depression. He has armed me with the creativity to fashion my thoughts and actions into powerful instruments that can influence this world for good and not for bad."

Two middle fingers in the air isn't going to make the situation any better. And neither is wearing no make up and baggy clothes and trying to go unnoticed all the time. You know what the cure is? Prayer and forgiveness. Forgiveness? you may be thinking. But as I thought through and wrote this post, I realized that I needed to start forgiving man-kind as a whole. That I was holding some kind of blanket grudge against every man who had ever cat-called me, or quite frankly, every man who looked like they might. So forgiveness for every man who had ever made me feel like a piece of meat to be bidded on and taken home needed to come. And will continue to have to come, as it continues to occur. And now, prayer. And this, my friends, is going to take training. At least on my part. For my reaction to every whistle, every yell, every honk, every leering look to be to turn my heart to the Savior and pray for the redemption of His people.

How do you pray about that? I guess I can start on an individual basis. That God would redeem that man's view of women, that maybe he could realize that that girl he just yelled at is someone's daughter, someone's sister, and that maybe he wouldn't want someone treating the women he loves that way. And prayer for man-kind as a whole. Interceeding that there would be men who would stand up and begin teaching our boys how to be men & not thugs. That their role models would begin to look more like Matt Chandler & Lecrae, and less like Ashton Kutcher & 50 Cent.  That respect would come, that love would come, and that they would reclaim their rightful place as our protectorers and stop being the thing we need to be protected from. And prayer for us. For women. That every cat-call wouldn't be a chip in our worth, but instead an opportunity for grace and prayer.

You with me girls? Let's give this thing a go. And bros...quit honking your horn at me. You're going to give me heart attack.

your daily dose of beautiful

Preface: I am deeply, madly, fully in love with my sweet boyfriend. And outrageously attracted to him. Outrageously. But, I'm just one of those girls with a great appreciation for beautiful men. Always have been, always will be. So this post does not undermind my love for J, or make me a bad girlfriend. It makes me your best friend :)

So without further ado, your daily dose of beautiful. The men who get my blood pumping, if you will.

The ole' faithfuls. I had this poster of Leo on my wall for...years. And had books on him. I still think he's incredibly attractive, and his acting has obviously gotten far better {Inception. Mind blown.}, but this baby face will always melt me. And oh Mr. Joseph. I have loved you since the days of 3rd Rock from the Sun. You are precious and 500 Days of Summer is the best. As are you.

The brooders. Ugh. Doesn't that dark & mysterious just get to you? But the wonderful thing about both James & Ryan is that they both have these wonderfully quirky personalities in interviews. So they just cover all the bases. Beautiful, talented, brooding, & funny. Yes please. Thank you.

The new adds. Let me introduce you to Henry Cavill if you haven't already met. This is the man that if I met him, I am quite certain I would turn into a puddle on the floor. That jawline. Those eyes. Those abs {google it. you're welcome.}. Dream. Boat. And an accent. And a talented actor. Aoooga! I wonder what it's like to be that beautiful? Ok I'll stop. And then there's sweet Adam. Parks & Rec has just made me fall head over heels for you and your wonderfully dry sarcasm. Adam+Leslie 4ever.

For good measure here's a link to my "I want to go to there" man pintrest board. Go wild.

{Also: you may notice a new button over on the right. That's one of my favorite bloggy friends Tanya from Mr. Taylor & His Lady. I have an ad space on her wonderful blog and will be featured over there in a couple weeks. Go check her out, she's precious.}

Happy Friday!

here i raise my ebenezer

"Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!"

—1 Samuel 7:12

This time a year ago was one of the hardest, darkest times of my life to date. Completely consumed by insecurity, my entire identity placed in a boy who couldn't possible have and shouldn't have had to carry that weight, I was a wreck. The relationship I'd been pouring into for 2 years was falling apart in front of me, and I was falling apart with it. Riddled by panic attacks and insomnia, I remember being 100% sure that I'd never feel real joy again. I can still call to mind vivid memories of the pain I was in. My relationship was in the balance, my character was being assessed to decide if I was still worth the effort, and it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was not. Unbelievable to me is that this ridiculous roller coaster would last 4 months, and I actively decided every day to stay on the ride. Even when I knew the pain I was putting those who loved me through, even when they were looking me in the eyes, begging me to walk away, I couldn't.

Depression and Satan had their hold, and I quite honestly didn't have the energy to put up a fight.

When I realized it'd been a year, I spent some time reading old journal entries from then, and all I could process was "hallelujah. hallelujah. hallelujah."  Thank you Jesus from saving me from something that I could never have saved myself from. Thank you for intentionally placing people in my life to hold me up when I couldn't stand {Exodus 17:12 kinds of friends}. And thank you for never leaving my side, for always making Your presence known.

And now, I'm thankful for healing. And for experience. I'm thankful for God-given boldness to share my story, & I have hope that it's with purpose. That maybe one day I'll be able to walk with someone through something similar and be able to hold them up the way I was held. Every day I feel further compelled towards transparency and honesty, even when it's awkward and maybe makes people a tiny bit uncomfortable {sorry!}. That's the reason Fearless was started, and even though there are days where it's posts are filled with fluff, that will always be why I'm here. To share in my story and to further His kingdom through that.

This is my Ebenezer. This is my victory in the Lord.

{New to the blog? Big chunks of my story here & here}