awkward + awesome: the "oh god, i'm jess from 'new girl'" edition

Yay awkward + awesome! A nice little mid-week break from the serious posts I've been hitting y'all with. God's just doing a lot and I feel compelled to share. Tomorrow's a pretty good one too :)

Awkward:
-Coughing all over your boyfriend when he's trying to be sweet & cuddle. And I mean all over.
-Stairs + socks = nearly busting it in front of your roommate. But the laugh after was amazing.
-It's recently come to my attention that I'm terrible about telling J "see ya!" or "lata" & walking away w/out a kiss or I love you. & while I feel bad, what can I say, I'm in love with my best bro.
-The fact that the statements "why am I not famous yet?" & "this is why I need an assistant" both came out of my mouth yesterday. Holy brat alert.
-Accidently slipping into my British accent on the phone with a CUSTOMER. Thankfully he laughed, but seriously Blake?
-10 minutes in line behind ONE person to pick up a prescription? Is there a category for "outrageous" here?!
-This is more of a question than a statement, but just how awkward is it for 19 year old Demi Lovato to be my hero? Super awkward?
-Sometimes {especially when I'm medicated as I have been all week} I slip into this trance and just start talking. About nothing. And I stare when I do it. And sometimes use accents {I have got to get that under control}. I did this to J 3 times when we were hanging out Monday night. Thank goodness for a man who loves me because I'm weird.

Awesome:
-Have you ever had that moment where you're watching a show or movie and all the sudden you go "AH!! That's me!!!" and realize they've managed to fit all your oddities into a character? Jess from "New Girl" was my moment. And I don't say that in a toot my own horn way. It's more in a I watched with my mouth gaping open as Jess said & did things I do on a daily basis that embarass my friends & J way. For example:


-Realizing that this week a year ago started the darkest, hardest 4 month period of my life, and being able to look at how far God has brought me with pure joy. More on that tomorrow :)
-A house that Christmas threw up all over, and roommates that are just as excited about it as I am.
-A week filled with lunches and dinners with my favorite ladies.
-This is blurry and weird and a funky font, but it made me laugh so out loud I scared my coworker.

I'm going to blow up the whole world.

we weren't created to stop

{picture via}

Ok. I'm going to be honest. This is a touchy one. This is one that will most likely step on a couple of people's toes {fingers crossed that it doesnt!}. But I just want to get it out there. So I'll start blantently.

When did the Christian community universally decide that "just making out" was okay in dating relationships?

You know what I'm talking about. It's this unspoken rule that if you "don't go any further than making out", you're good. You're a good Christian couple. And I'm not saying you're not. You actually probably are. The decision to restrict your boundaires is a hard one, and to restrict it at making out is a big deal! That's awesome. But I'm starting to learn that I don't think that's really what God intended. Before you get all up in arms & defensive, just hear me out, okay?


I've been there. I've been in the relationship that starts out "just making out" and actively pursuing purity. And then begins to rationalize that pushing the boundaries is okay because you know you're going to marry each other. And then you break up. And I've experienced the absoultely ridiculous amount of baggage that leaves you and someone down the road to deal with. You typically can't see it when you're in it, but the whole time you're going "too far" in your relationship, you're picking up emotional scars that leave you wondering why he couldn't ever respect you, or why you feel so used all the time. And you end up believing that that's the norm. That "restricted" physicality within Christian relationships is okay.


But here's the deal. God created sex, right? And it's a super awesome, good thing meant for man and wife. All those really, really fun things that lead up to it {including making out}, are meant for marriage too. Here's why. We weren't created to stop. We weren't created to makeout on the couch or fool around for an hour and walk away anything but frustrated. Be honest-when was the last time you got hot & heavy with ya boo & didn't struggle? Tell me of a time that you didn't have to stomp the breaks like your life depended on it and walk away. We were created to awake passion and then see it all the way through with our husband or wife & glorify God through that.That's why Solomon wrote "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love {or passion} until it is time" {SOS 8:4} And that's what all that stuff does. It stirs up and awakens passion that, in all honesty, is only meant for a husband and wife to share.


So yeah, I'm pretty much saying I don't think making out with your boyfriend is the best choice if you're striving for purity in your relationship. Is it possible to pull of? Yeah. Probably. Are you setting yourself up for a rough ride? Yep. And let me just tell you, when I was younger, I read all of those Christian dating books that preach the same exact thing. I hated the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I thought it was the most pretentious, foolish, detached from realtiy thing I'd ever read. I think that paints the picture of where I've stood on relationships thus far. Keep it between PG & PG-13, & stay a virgin.

 And then there was J. The first man I've ever dated that made it beyond crystal clear that sexual things were not going to be a part of our relationship. We'd both struggled in that area before, and he wanted to do this right. We drew the line at making out. After a couple of months, I realized that I had made that a part of my relationship that I thought was necessary, I had decided that making out is to a dating relationship what sex is to a marriage. Well that's just completely warped, right? How did I turn it into that? I found myself wondering how many other people unknowningly believe the same lie? That we're supposed to make out with our boyfriends or girlfriends. It's what every normal Christian couple does.

God really made me look at that. Was I actively making out with my boyfriend because I felt like it was what society {& even Christian society} told me was okay and normal, even though it only made us both struggle? As I talked with my best friend about deciding to cut that part of our relationship out and why I was indecisive, she looked at me and said "you don't have to be homeschooled to not make out with your boyfriend" {and no offense homeschoolers, cause I was one}. But her point was made. It wouldn't make us lame to not make out, & it wouldn't make us Amish either. There would still always be affection between the two of us, just not passion. Yet.


So we shut it down. And you know what? We have even more fun together now then we did before {& we had a lot of fun together before}. But now, knowing that that temptation isn't even an option, that that slippery slope isn't awaiting us at the next moment we're alone, that we don't have to stress ourselves out about protecting each other's purity because we're not even going near it-it's so good, y'all.

I really spent time praying that this post doesn't come across reading look how awesome J and I are! we've got it all figured out! i'm so much better than you! because dear Lord, we do not. And I am not. But as I prayed through this decision and became more and more aware of this lie we're all buying into, I realized I would be remiss to not speak what I feel like God's shown me.


So yeah. There is it. Here's to trying to keep it in our pants, right?! Woo hoo.

Thoughts?

all things new

Home girl over here has been sick since Thursday. Hey, at least I waited till a holiday to crash & burn, right? But this morning I have no voice & with a job that requires lots of talking, that equals another day off. So, yes, I'm typing this from my bed, surrounded by tissues and cough drop wrappers. I just want to share something from church last night, real quick.

You know those moments where truth just slams you in the face? You certainly weren't looking for it because you didn't even realize you were currently in need of any big truth. But you are. That happened to me last night. Anytime our pastor starts in Revelation, I get a little nervous. There's no way I'm the only person that that book makes a tiny bit nervous, right? I'm just always worried I'm going to have no idea what's going on. That book's heavy, y'all. Awesome, but heavy. But this time, being in Revelation didn't freak me out. 

"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"

-Revelation 21:5

And then Josh said the line that made my head spin. "This is not just in the future. God isn't just going to make you new in the future. He is making you new now." So all those things in me that I would like to be rid of, all those pieces of flesh that I've refused to let go of and let Jesus sanctify, He's making them new now. I can't just brush it off and say that I'll let Him work it out later. Now. The kingdom is at hand now. Not in 5 years when "I've got it together & am ready".

I have Proverbs 31:25 on my wall next to my bed. "She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." That is the new me. The old me who is fearful and prideful was crucified with Christ. And the new me is now. I can't put off humility and kindness, strength and dignity for a later date.

He is making all things new.

favorite things on the internet

 Bundled up in my early birthday present, the chunky scarf my aunt knitted for me.

Happy day after Thanksgiving! I hope you're recovering from eating too much & Black Friday shopping if you went. My plan is to curl up and watch my fill of Christmas movies on my mama's couch & then cheer on my Tigers against #3 Arkansas this afternoon!   Also. What's up Follow Fest bloggers?! Glad you made your way to Fearless! Feel free to follow {on the left over there} & comment to let me know you were here. Want to know a bit about me before you do? Be sure to check out the about me section above and peruse previous posts as well-I think they sum me up pretty well.

So here's some entertainment for you! My favorite things on the internet  

1.
 What Men Really Want

A refreshingly honest article by "Make it Mad" Max. Worth the read, really.

2.

Y'all. Melanie Amaro. If you don't watch X-Factor, you need to go to YouTube and watch every single one of her videos. And bring the Kleenex.

3.

14 Actors Acting
14 silent videos of some of your favorite actors actually...acting.

4.

I'm just really proud of Demi. How many celebs come out of rehab and honestly talk about their journey and recovery. And then take a Lil' Wayne song and BLOW IT OUT OF THE WATER! Ugh. She's so awesome.

#gratitudes: day 3

I'm going to be traveling to the middle of no where with J tomorrow for Thanksgiving, and as much as I love my little blog, I have priorities. So I won't be here tomorrow. I know I could go ahead and pull together a post and just put it up at some point tomorrow, but I just feel kind of passionately about being where you are when you're there, and I don't want to have my phone out tomorrow, much less be trying to post a blog. So this is my last #Gratitudes installment, and it's just going to be a plethora of random, but still important things I'm thankful for. Ready?

A job that more than provides and keeps me comfortable. And the fact that I got said job 3 days after I graduated from college and that the process was next to painless. I'm thankful that God knows what's best for me far better than I do and knows that this is right where I'm supposed to be for now.

 My sweet little house, and finally living in a place that feels like home. After four years of dorms and college apartments, the wood floors and faulty heating in this place make it my favorite place to be. Sanctuary.

Boyfriend. You know what? I'm not even going to get into it here because I can't do how thankful I am for him justice in the small amount of space I want to use. So, if you haven't read it already, you can skip to this & read all about how much I love my boyfriend :)

One of my favorite quotes of all time, because it's so true. There's nothing quite like laughing so hard that you can't breathe and your stomach hurts, you have tears streaming down your face and every time you breathe in you make the most ridiculous noise, kind of like a cat dying. You know the kind of laughter I'm talking about? That. I am so thankful for that in my life. And that conviniently, I'm one of the easiest people in the world to make laugh.

My church & it's fearless leaders {pictured here. crawfish. mmmm.} Seriously though, I don't think I can even begin to put into words how thankful I am for my church. I know for certain I wouldn't be the person I am today. Not to say that God would have been incapable of getting me where He wanted me, He could've. But I'm glad He chose the Ring and Meg & Josh and every relationship I've formed there. You guys are life-changers.

 Being Southern. Really though, I'm so thankful I'm from the deep South and will most likely never leave. I love that I only like my tea tasting like pure sugar, that {for the most part} strangers on the street end up in coversation, that I grew up going on fieldtrips to places like this {Oak Alley}. That everyone is maam and sir, my parents are mama and papa, and that sha, grits, y'all, beaucoup, gumbo, piddlin' are a part of my everyday speech.

Last one. I'm thankful for my past. I'm thankful for all the wonderful childhood memories I have, for all the great times spent with my family and friends. The summers at camp, the hours on hours spent in the ballet studio, the family vacations. I'm so blessed. And I'm also thankful for the hard times. The stupid times. The times I look back on and cringe just a little bit. But I'm thankful for the clarity to look at the hard times and know they made me better, and that I daily put up the fight against letting them make me bitter. I'm thankful for the friends who walked away, because they taught me how to be the kind of friend I want to be. I'm thankful for the people who made fun of me for my faith, because without knowing it they pushed me towards being more like Christ. And I'm thankful for the boy who broke my heart, because I quickly learned what to stay away from in my next relationship and more about myself than I've ever learned from anyone. I'm thankful that I'm thankful for that experience, and not haunted by it daily.
 
 
 

So that wraps up #gratitudes. I hope it made you look at how blessed you and what you're really thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

#gratitudes: day 2

This is going to be a pretty picture heavy post. 1/2 because as I wrote this I was overcome by this fear that I was going to forget someone and feel like a super crappy friend, & 1/2 because-let's face it-I love pictures and I love sharing them with y'all. Plus I think I secretly believe everyone loves having their pictures on my blog. Even though they may totally not care one bit. #Gratitudes: day 2. I'm so crazy thankful for

My Awesomesauce Girlfriends

The girls I live {and used to live} life with. Roommates are a special brand of friend. You see the good, the bad, and the really, really ugly. But you also get to snuggle in bed and talk all night, laugh more together than you do with anyone else, & drink each other's milk. These girls are the best. I know for a fact I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't lived with every one of them. Roommates. Gotta love em.

Besties. Future bridesmaids. The ones that keep your feet on the ground.The ones that you can text anytime, about anything, and they don't make you feel ridiculous. The ones that if you go a week without seeing them, your life just doesn't feel right. But if you do have to go a week without seeing each other, it's like not one day has gone by. These are the girls who shoot me straight, tell me when I'm wrong, lift me up when I'm hurting, and tell me they're proud of me when I'm right.

{obviously I'm a fan of the ballerina bun}

Y'all. These girls. One makes it so I don't lose my mind at work every day. One keeps me in touch with who I really am. And the other makes me laugh more than anyone else. These are the three that sometimes maybe don't know how much they mean to me, and we don't see each other as much as I'd like {other than Lauren. 8 hours, every day.}, but they're part of my heart.

& then there's the group that I just realized I have 0 pictures with. Except for the few that I took this weekend & have failed up upload yet. The women in my life that are a few steps ahead of me, and have let me awkwardly follow behind them. The ones that make time for me between the husbands and babies and wifely duties. The ones who listen to me be really confused and then try to help me make sense of it all. These women are the ones that I am certain without, I wouldn't be where I am in my walk, or my relationship. They've taught me how to be a better girlfriend, friend, and a woman who is clothed in dignity & strength. I think you all know who you are :)

What're you grateful for today?

#gratitudes: day 1

I really do my best to stay away from huge cliches on the blog. Mostly because I'm cliche enough in my day-to-day life that I don't want to let it bleed into absolutely every aspect of my life. But this week, I'm going to be cliche. I've previously explained the concept of the #Gratitudes twitter hashtag that my church is a big fan of {my church is also a big fan of twitter, so it works}. This week I'm anticipating my feed blowing up with #gratitudes, and I'm super excited about it. It just gets so easy to fly through life and let all the amazing blessings we recieve turn into blurs. I know I get like that frequently. And as simple & technology-based as it may be, seeing that hashtag in my twitter feed always makes me slow down & take a second to re-evaluate. So today through Thursday is #Gratitudes week here at Fearless. Day one.

My "better than you could ever ask for" family

This was our Christmas card picture last year. Our favorite place {Gatlinburg, TN} and all our favorite teams. There's me, a slightly obnoxious LSU fan, my younger sister Morgan, a die-hard, mural of Fenway on her bedroom wall Red Sox fan, my father, the cutest Cheesehead ever, and Mama, who gets excited anytime KU puts up a fight in any game.

They're the people who make me, me. They put up with me when I insisted on putting on shows in our living room, jumping in front of the video camera when my dad was trying to film my sister's first steps, and every other "look at me! look at me!" moment of my childhood. They've loved me through the slammed doors, over reactions, and stupid boys I've brought home. My father instilled in me a deep love for the mountains, good music, Seinfeld, & a cold beer; and continues to try to teach me how to be financially responsible, patient, and to think before I speak. My mother is responsible for my love of wine, books, down time, & my ability to watch the same movie 100 times. She's still trying to get me to learn how to say no when I need to & be quiet sometimes. And then there's Mo. The baby sister who is perpetually stuck at age 12 in my head {I'm sorry. I know you hate that.} It still freaks me out that she's old enough to drive and vote and get into bars. But she's freaking hysterical and wise and will love you to the end.

That's day 1 of #Gratitudes. What're you thankful for today?

i'm not internationally known, but i'm known to rock the microphone

I'm pretty much the definition of "white girl".

LBDs, private school, pumps, country boyfriend, trips to the salon, sassy attitude, girls nights, extensions, red lipstick. It all fits. Except one thing...

My deep, deep love for rap music and gettin' down. I discovered around the 4th grade {while attending a Christian private school} that I had this inate ability to memorize all the words to a rap within a few times of listening to it. I just love it. I know it's dirty, I know most of it's awful, and I honestly don't listen to it very often because of that. But it's a part of what makes me me. So in honor of that, I'm doing you guys the great favor of sharing my playlist of favorite raps. It ranges from N.W.A. to Nicki Minaj, but it's my favorites, the ones I know all the words to.

Happy thuggin' Friday.

{Some of these are pop songs that don't seem to fit, but I just really love Lil Mama & Nelly's contributions. Bear with me.}



everything rides on hope

If you think about it, we’ve all been raised in an incredibly competitive and comparative society. Even if our parents had all the best intentions, school and sports and friends taught us to look out for ourselves, be better than the person next to us, and always, always compare ourselves to everyone. Friends, foes, siblings, celebrities-little boys and girls turn into adult men and women who live their entire life looking from side-to-side, sizing everyone up and then deciding where they land in comparison. Half the time we do it as easily as breathing, a woman walks in the door of the gym, and without even a second thought you’ve already decided her thighs are smaller than yours, her hips are bigger, your makeup’s better, but she definitely has more money. Your pace on the elliptical quickens. Boom. Instant comparison, instant self-degrading. We do it with our friends too.

I caught myself in conversation with God saying “You do know that all three of my best friends are engaged or married right? And all three are on the career path that they want to be on for the rest of their lives. You do get that I am none of the above? Are you listening to me?!” And right there is where He stopped me in my tracks. I can genuinely say it was the first time I came face-to-face with how much comparison was stealing my joy. I feel like my entire life, God continually has to remind me I’ve got you right where I want you. And He’s proven time and time again that even if I don’t understand why I’m in this place, it’s on purpose, and it’s better.

So. By being discontent because my life doesn’t look like someone else’s…isn’t that kind of spitting in the face of the One who put me there? Think about how much you compare your life to other people’s. Whether it’s about the way you look, the job you have, the car you drive, the person you’re dating (or not dating), the grades you make-a multitude of things, that crap gets a hold of you and can quickly send you down a very dark path. Without you even realizing it! And all the sudden, there you are with a blessed life-a job, a boyfriend, great friends, a cute little house, and you’re discontent because it doesn’t look like someone else’s. Or what you think it should look like. When you can realign your thinking with Jeremiah 11:29: “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” {& for those of us who grew up in church, for whom this verse has lost it’s gravity, I hope we can regain that) we can have peace again. Hope again. Hope & faith that your Savior knows that what's best for the person next to you isn't what's best for you-even if you think it is, gosh darnit! It might be the hardest thing I do every day to release the death grip I have on my present and my future and let God take it over. But it's the best thing I do everyday.

Everything rides on hope.

I think just being aware of how much of our day is spent comparing can be huge for change. Even now, it’s kind of cool to watch myself grow, to realize I’m comparing myself to some poor soul in WalMart that has no idea and make myself stop. And as far as the comparison we hold with our friends, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you want one day. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother and be passionate about my work, and that that’s not where God has me right now. But how cool is it going to be to watch Him get me there one day?

Pretty cool.

awkward + awesome wednesday

Awkward:
-The fact that this weekend, when discussing "their song", my mother thought theirs was Josh Turner's "Long Black Train". I popped my head up and asked "y'all's song is about boarding a train to hell??". After everyone started breathing again from laughing so hard, it was discovered their song is "Why Don't We Just Dance?" Not quite the same, mom :)
-Wearing red lipstick and drinking out of a cup. I don't care how many years I've been wearing it, I always have this fear that it's going to rub all over my face in the process. Am I the only one?
-Trying to swipe a mosquito off of someone's head and them thinking you're trying to slap them instead. Especially when it's your boyfriend and you're in the middle of a serious discussion. Violence is not the answer...
-You know that scene in Mean Girls where Tina Fey tries to take off her sweater and her undershirt sticks to it? Yeah. Welcome to my life. *head desk* *head desk* *head desk*

Awesome:
-Three days at home this weekend, most of which was spend in the same spot on the couch. Oh, sweet relaxation.
-Talking to your best friend all day via GChat & texting, and then having lunch with her.
-The fact that now, anytime anyone sees any cute thing in Navajo print, they tell me about it. I love that people associate me with the things I'm obsessed with. Also, I buy most of them. Except that one uber expensive rug...that I've still got my eye on.
-Vacation days. Between November 14th and the 1st of the year, I have 10 days off. TEN. I just scheduled 3 & 1/2 days off around my birthday. I can't even explain how giddy I am about it.
-Immortals. With the boyfriend. I haven't been this ridiculous about a movie since....I don't know when. Harry Potter?
-My parents giving me 4 boxes of hot chocolate. All different flavors. Excited doesn't cover it.

call me, beep me.

No post yesterday due to being at my parents' and their internet being down. In reality, it was kind of fantastic to be disconnected {they live in a black hole of cell service as well}. I was able to access twitter & facebook a couple times when I ventured out of the house, and shoot off a couple of texts to J just to let him know I was alive and still loved him very much. But mostly I laid on the couch, watched an outrageous number of movies, ate way too much, and cranked out three new blog posts. Woo hoo! When inspiration hits, you don't ignore it, I've learned that quickly. So those are to come.

 It also made me look at how completely overconnected I am 24/7. Do you ever take a second to breathe and realize whoa...twitter, facebook, instagram, email, texts, phone calls, blogger. so much! It is so much! I think it's good for us to have days off. I think I'm going to start implementing "black out days" where I don't do any of the above outside of what is imperative {letting people know you're alive and well}. What're your thoughts on over connection?

One of many things I inherited from my father is his love of festivals & fairs. I swear everytime I hear there's a fair in town I excited look at J with that can we go, please, please?! look on my face. So pops and I wander downtown to the Three Rivers Art Festival and spent the next couple of hours perusing the booths of part from people who ranged from Oregon to Baton Rouge. It was a lovely way to spend a Sunday.

And because no incredibly spaztic blog post is complete without what lipstick is Blake wearing today?

MAC Ruby Woo

oh, happy day!

{boots & sweater stockings//Target}

It was 33° this morning when I left for work. A high of 67°. You know what that means, new booties {from Target!} & sweater stockings and pea coats and one happy girl. Well, probably lots of happy girls, but I can only speak for myself. We turned the heat on in the house last night and quickly learned it has two settings. Off & the inside of a volcano. So that'll be interesting for the 0.2 seconds of winter we get here in L.A.

But it's Friday. And I have very exciting plans to cuddle up on the couch with J tonight and make him watch whatever weird movie I want to watch this time. He landed himself a strange one, but thankfully he loves it.

Happy Friday & Happy Weekend!

reality check, part II

Part I

Letting go of what used to be and moving forward. Letting go of what you've known for years. Years, I tell you, and finally letting God move you into what He really has for you. We are our own worst enemy. We hold onto this shit {excuse my French} that only makes us miserable. That only makes us have that terrible feeling in our gut and wish we hadn't looked back. We hold onto it like it's some kind of demented, masochistic safety blanket that we can't imagine life without. We can't imagine life without the hurt, without the grudge, without having this stuff that God is clearly trying to weed out in our lives. We are our own worst enemy. So we keep looking back, we keep refusing to forgive, we somehow lose sight of the amazing things we have in front of us, and we sit. 

We sit in our misery. We keep talking about it even though we can see the exacerbation in our friends eyes and can almost hear their thoughts of when is she going to let it go? And we're embarrassed, but too scared to do anything about it. Too afraid, because it's all we've ever known, it's all we can remember. And we don't know how to forgive. We've got the whole "I forgive you" rhetoric down, but an actual heart change? Not so much. We don't know how to function without a little piece of him {and maybe a small piece of her too} lodged in our heart, carrying them with us every-stinkin-day. Letting them take up space that, quite honestly, they've done nothing to earn. Space that other people in our lives would love to occupy, if we would let them. Space that God wants to take over for His own. It's not like they're here. It's not like we see them every day, or ever, for that matter. But they're still a part of us, because "the only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it." And talking about it.

So what do we do? How do we do this thing we are certain we are incapable of? We don't, because we are incapable. We let God. We hit our knees in abandon and loss and we shoot straight with the God who already knows. 

I can't do this on my own anymore. I don't have all the answers like I've always thought I do. I am not the self-sufficient, all-knowing, ever-capable being I've spent the last few years convinced I am. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've ignored You and humanized You and made myself more than You. I'm sorry I've been prideful and pompous and have only hurt myself in the process. And I'm giving it up. You can have it. All of it. I don't even want it anymore. So take the pride and the pain and the running into really hard walls over and over, and make me Yours from the inside out. That's all I want. To be completely consumed by You. Help me let go the of the fear that keeps me living here, in this hell-hole of a grudge. Chains are broken, shame has fallen, all my sins are gone. Break these chains, Lord, because You're the only one that can. Please.

And one afternoon, you realize he hasn't even entered your mind in almost 4 days. Not even a fleeting thought. Neither has she. What? Well that's clearly all God, because wasn't I just saying I was incapable of this kind of freedom? And next thing you know you're face to face with the thing you've dreaded most, and you kind of want to say hi... You keep waiting for that rush of panic that's overtaken you many times before when you thought you saw someone you didn't, but it never comes. You surprise yourself. Your friends look at you confused because they keep expecting you to bolt, but you smile, and chat, because you've finally forgiven her. And him too. Him especially. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

And you're indifferent. You're free. The burdens you've been weighed down by for years, they're gone. The chains that have linked the two of you in this self-destructive, painful union, are now non-exsistant.  And not because you're such a strong, independent woman who's got it all together, but because you serve the Author of Time. And He knew this day was coming, even though you seriously doubted it. He knew that one day, you'd be able to hear his name and not cringe, be able to hear the words I genuinely wish them well come out of your mouth and not be appaulled by your amazing ability to lie, because it's finally the truth. And now, those places in your heart that have been occupied by people who didn't need to be there start to be filled by the Holy Spirit, and by people who love you.

And it's really, really good.

Awkward & Awesome Wednesday!

Awkward:
-You know those days where you're just not comfortable? Like...your clothes are just killing you and all you want is to go home and put on sweats and a tshirt.
-How much I hate Courntey Stodden. I know, I really need to pray about it. But look, girl...you're really ruining it for all of us woman who don't want to be seen a pieces of meat. Get off twitter, put some clothes on, quit talking about sex with your incredibly creepy, 51-year-old husband, and GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL!
-The moment in the LSU game when everyone thought we'd scored the winning touchdown and started freaking out, only to find out the player had stepped out of bounds. We all sheepishly looked at each other and wished we could take back the screaming and high fives.
-This is less "awkward" and more just "sucky", but um...the men who yell at me on the phone because I'm not giving them the information they want fast enough. It just really bums me out.

Awesome:
-The throwing of paper balls across the office. Even more awesome? Perfectly aiming one right into your coworker's lap who just answered the phone. And then watching her apologize profusely to the client on the other end.
-9 hours of sleep. 'Nuff said.
-The incredible rain storm that blew through last night. I kind of love it when they wake me up so I can fall asleep to the sound of rain.
-Getting to talk to my sweet friend who's on the World Race right now. Thank God for technology, huh?! Even more awesome, the fact that he was able to speak overwhelming amounts of truth into my life across the world.
-This:

ramblings

I have had the most outrageous sinus migraine for the last 2 days, making it exceedingly difficult for me to be a contributing member of my team at work, much less talk to my friends or make sense on the blog. I think I pulled it off yesterday, but I make no promises for this Tueday. Bullet points. That's the way to go, right? Okay.

Therefore, I bring you

Ramblings

1. Are there any other females as excited as me about Immortals & the Dark Knight Rises coming out? I find myself totally geeking out over newly released pictures from the Dark Knight set, and excitedly punching J in the arm every time an Immortals trailer comes on. It's very feminine of me. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

2. Everyonce in a while I like to do a Biggest Thing God is Teaching Me post. As of right now, I am unable. Because He's teaching me so freakin' much. Like...I keep getting overwhelmed and asking Him to slow down, I'm tryinig to take notes here, yo! Revealing that I have zero capacity to trust Him, that I really think my plans are better than His, that I kind of struggle with believing He actually has good things for me and isn't just a mean kid on an anthill with a magnifying glass. How to better love, and even bigger, how to let myself be loved {woof...I suck at that, y'all}.

3. Is G-Chat not the greatest thing ever invented? The perfect way to make the hours fly by, catch up with friends, vent-all without your firewall or boss having any idea. Sha-bam!

4. If, at some point., you find yourself standing in front of a RedBox on a Monday night, box of decongestants in one hand, wallet in the other, trying to decide what movie you're going to curl up in bed with, stay away from The Other Woman. And don't be fooled by the fact that it has Natalie Portman and Lisa Kudrow in it. It will take you on the most ridiculously emotional ride, and while it has a happy{ish} ending, it still leaves you exhausted. Just...don't.

4. Jimmy Kimmel did a bit on his late night show of parents telling their kids they had eaten all of their Halloween candy. It equal parts made me laugh really loud and made me really sad for the state of today's childrens. Hysterically crying over eaten candy? For reals?! Parents....wake up. BUT the last kids, the ones who start around 2:47-They. Are. Awesome. I really, really hope my kids are this quick on their feet. YOU SNEAKY MOM!

lovey dovey, i'm sorry

I don't talk about J too much on the blog. One, because I don't want to be that mushy gushy blogger. Two, because I think he might die. So I'll keep it brief. But y'all, I'm the luckiest.

I spent most of my life sure I'd never find someone like J. The best man I've ever met, he's patient, kind, understanding, a man who loves Christ more than he loves me, quietly hilarious, and solid as a rock {did I mention he's sexy as hell?}. He's the thing that high school day dreams are made of. He makes me laugh at myself, he forces me to talk about things rather than bottle them up, and fully embraces that I'm pretty much the most emotional woman to walk the planet. I'd rather do bad days with him than good days with anyone else. I'm thankful for a man who I'm more myself with than without. For a man who I don't have to lie to my friends about, that every single fantastic thing I say about him is the truth-even when it seems like I'm living in a fairytale. Someone who is okay with agreeing to disagree and always has my best interest at heart.  A man who totally embodies Bob Marley's quote, not perfect, but perfect for me. There isn't a single thing I'd ever change about him. Ever. {even the snoring}

You're the stuff dreams are made of, bay.

Oh yeah. The Tigers won Saturday night. 9-6, not one touchdown scored. It was intense, as you can see from our relieved reactions when we scored the winning field goal, in overtime. Oh my Tigers, how I love you.

why is he 17?

I bet you thought this entire post was going to be LSU themed because of the game tomorrow, didn't you? Nope. Exceeding expectations in a single bound. This is about something much more important.

Y'all. I got it bad. I know I'm years behind, I know. I blame it on the fact that when JB first hit the scene my roommate was so in love with him it's all I heard for months on end. I decided then that I was never going to succumb to the Bieber craze. I lasted 2 years! That's impressive, if you ask me, especially with how huge his career has gotten.

But it's over. I've crossed to the dark side. I, a grown ass 22 year old, have Bieber fever.

My roommate was laying next to me as I made that banner last night, and I know I was creeping her out with my self-diaglogue. Oh dang! Look at him! Wait. He's how old? Crap. I feel creepy. Oh well...I'll keep looking. It's for the blog!! Seriously. I was only googling him for 20 minutes because I needed pictures for my blog. And because he's stinking precious!!

It's all YouTube's fault. Y'all know how deeply my love for rap goes {Oh, you don't? It goes deep. Real deep.}, so when I came upon the below video, I found myself quickly swept up in the Biber current.

I've watched it like 35 times, and that's an under-estimation. Bieber fever, full force y'all. Don't hate.

And THEN I found this:


JB and Boyz II Men. I can't even stand it. Too much. Ok, I'm done.

It's Friday & I went to CVS last night, so you know what that means right?
Pink lips.

Covergirl Spellbound

Happy Friday, y'all.

Oh, what coworker? You need me to turn down my Justin Bieber playlist? Ugh. Fine.

reality check, part I

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy, usually positive individual who has negative moments, but it definitely used to be the other way around. This is a little piece of my story. I can't keep it all in for pride's sake, when there's the off chance that someone reads it and it's exactly what they need to hear. I've felt God pushing for me to be real, so alright. Here it is. There are so many things I want to say about being in an unhealthy relationship, but can't because it's not only my story to tell. And there's always more than just your side.

But I can tell you this. There comes a point when you know. You know that you aren't in love anymore, that you're fighting to stay in something simply because it's all you know. You're so uncomfortably comfortable in this thing, and the thought of starting over with someone new literally sends you into panics. You know when you hear love songs on the radio and they make your heart hurt because you feel like you'll never have someone who feels that way about you. Because the person you're with certainly doesn't. You know when you look at your friends who have been together just as long as you have, but still seem to love each other. And that confuses you, because the two of you can barely stand to be in the same room anymore, much less act like you couldn't stand to be apart.

Someone says he treats me like such a princess and your brain's immediate reaction is ugh...I kind of remember how that feels... You're so insecure and ripped to pieces that you have no idea who you are without him anymore. Asking you to walk away is just foolishness, even though deep down you know this thing you're in is just toxic now {& not the Britney Spears kind. The bad kind.} You're so deep in the forest you can't see the trees, even though every person you two come in contact walks away thinking well they're completely miserable to be around. Why don't they break up?

Every conversation is an argument. Every suggestion is taken as a dig. And it's not all his fault. You've become the most sensitive woman on the planet, as well as the craziest. Jealousy runs strong through your veins, joined by anger and impatience and every other ugly thing you can think of. The two of you are slowly but surely killing one another, neither one strong enough to walk away. And every night is spent wrapped up in one another trying to stir up some kind of love again. But it's not love, it's lust. Waking up pretending like everything's okay, but fighting and throwing things within the hour. There is no Jesus. There is no talk. There is no peace. No selflessness. Most certainly no joy. There's only two miserable people, half-heartedly floating through life, sure that this is just the way it is.

But you're wrong. It's not.

Eventually, reality hits. It's over. Finally. Your friends feel your pain, but in reality, they're singing the Hallelujah chorus in their heads {And some out loud. I still love you.} And you're so...okay. So okay that it worries you a little. But every time you give yourself a second to think, all you can hear is "I've got you baby girl. My plan is better than even your best laid one."

Next thing you know you're writing "God...I really like this guy. But it's all up to you, k?" And then you're telling your friends about this boy and how your first date was 6 hours long, and how he keeps telling you that he wants to do this right and really keep Jesus at the focal point of it. And he means it. And he does it. And he hears you when you talk and he makes you laugh and he pushes through the difficult conversations. He lets you know he's proud of you, and you do the same. And it's just good. And easy. Or as easy as relationships can be. And you find yourself saying you'd rather do bad days with him than good days with anyone else. You fall in love with a man that looks more like Jesus than anyone you've ever met {outside your father, of course}.

And you learn not to blame the past, because it becomes so clear that you two just didn't work. Plain & simple. But that's a whole different post.

Part II to follow.

Awkward & Awesome Wednesday!

Awkward:
-Throwing up in the toilet your roommate just cleaned. I mean, really, throwing up is awkward-period. But in a just cleaned toilet? "Excuse me, I'll have misery with a side of guilt, please?"
-When boyfriends get upset. Not with you {which is ideal}, but there's nothing you can do to make it better except to give them a little space. The "fixer" in me hates this.
-The "Lunch & Learn" meeting we had at work Monday. The woman spent 30 minutes teaching a group of grown adults how to use non-confrontational speech and how to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth to calm down. Oh! Really? Thanks for that.
-The little elf dance I just did to try and cheer my coworker who is super not happy about Christmas music starting in the office. It was one of my more awkward elfen dances. & yes, I'm implying I've done that more than once.
-I think it's way too funny when people fall down. Like, unhealthily funny. So when the coworker at the desk next to me missed her chair and ended up on the floor, I totally lost it. Thankfully she was laughing too, but the tears running down my face made me look a little ridiculous.

Awesome:
-I'm really tempted to just put LSU v. Bama in T-Minus 4 days right here, but that's a cop out. So I'll just make it number 1.
-You see that new, cool little blue button on the right? That's right, ya girl's officially on the Fashion & Faith blogger list. What's up!! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to go for it, you were right :) {Have no idea what I'm talking about? Click on the button or check out this to see what I'm talking about}
-Needtobreathe tickets! After the show was sold out! I pretty much have the greatest psudo-big sister ever.
-New readers & new blogs to read! I'm so glad I got involved with follower fest. My Google Reader must feel like it's about to explode!
-Lunch with my boo {Is it awkard that I call him my boo? Probably.}
-This: {& to clarify, I'm aware I blog about babies often. You try having a bajillion friends with babies that you love and not blogging about it. Impossible.}

A new month, holiday traitors, & Weezy.

Sweater//Old Navy, Jeans//Loft, Boots//Target, V-neck//Express

Oh hey November, you kind of snuck up on me there! Let the beginning of my two most favorite months ever begin! It's finally cooled down a bit here in ole' L.A., which means everyone's pulling out their bulky sweaters and boots {when in reality, it's only like 60°} I know I'm a total holiday traitor for this, but I think I'm going to let the Christmas music listening begin. Isn't it funny how some people are so passionate about not crossing over? My father and best friend are shaking their heads in shame as they read this. When's your official start time? After Halloween? After Thanksgiving? Right before Christmas?

I've been sick as a dog the last 12 hours, so I'm glad I had these pictures on stand-by to trick you into thinking I have some life in me. Missing work to lay in bed and watch movies is so much more fun when you aren't in constant fear of losing your lunch {or dinner, or breakfast. TMI? Sorry}.

Ok. Last thing. I found this on Pintrest yesterday and it literally made my day:

{I'm not 100% sure Weezy actually said this. It may have been Drake. Who knows...}

If you don't know me personally, then you wouldn't know I'm super passionate about girls in unhealthy relationships. After being in one for a really long time, getting out of it, and into a healthy one, all I want for women is for them to be with a man who loves them like Christ loves the church, & not someone who takes them for granted. Someone who puts Christ at the center of their relationship, not themselves. Someone who builds them up instead of tears them down. I have a post on this in the works, but its predecessor is here, if you're interested.

If you're still finding your way over from follow fest, be sure to comment so I can folow back!

Happy November!