This blog has become a place for me to hash out the things I'm learning. A place for me to record the process of becoming fearless. This last week has been some of the biggest learning moments of my evolution.
I like change, I always have. As a kid I would rearrange my bedroom as often as my parents would let me because I loved the feeling of walking into a "new" room. As I've started to grow and experience God changing who I am, I love it more then a new room.
Change isn't effortless, that's for sure. Pushing my huge bed and drawers and nightstand around my room as a tiny 11 year old girl was never an easy feat, but in the end the work and the sweat and the stubbed toes was always worth the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction as I looked at my new and improved room.
This time of change in my life hasn't been easy. I'm having to learn what humility really means, which can be really confusing. What relying on God really means, even when I'm scared to death about what's in store. What letting people really be there for you means, even when it goes against everything inside of me. I've had to learn the hard way that my plan is not God's plan, but that He always knows better. I've had to loosen my death grip on a year and a half long relationship and let God be in control. I've had to acknowledge that things weren't working and throw myself head first into God's plan.
Trust (n) -reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
I have confidence that God has the integrity, strength, ability, surety, and desire to carry me through this, and that He is. That He's not surprised or shocked, and that He knows what He's doing.
And that is where I find peace and happiness and joy unending.
I am loving life. I am loving having the most genuine, true friends I've had in my life. I'm loving finding myself again, and the things God shows me everyday. I am loving being spontaneous and weird and all over the place.
I am loving being
FEARLESS
5/31/10
5/10/10
How Great is Our God?
My brain never stops. It's always whizzing a million miles a minute, flying from one topic to the next to the next. I attribute a lot of my stressed out-ness and instability to this. I can be sitting, blankly staring at the TV or computer screen or book I'm pretending to read, but inside my mind's going "have I done everything I needed to do today?", or more likely "I wonder what the people around me are thinking right now?", and various other levels of unrest and worry. So, as of late, I've been taking steps to be still. To, if I am watching a movie, watch the movie. If I am reading a book, read the book.
You know what's especially difficult when your brain doesn't stop talking? Hearing.
How could I ever expect to hear the quiet yet powerful voice of God if I was always too busy focusing on my own crap?
My own crap. There's so much of it, I often live in a state of overwhelmed. If you can even call that living...
At the Ring last night I finally was able to take a second and shut my brain off. As Josh called us to just let Sarah sing the song over us, I could feel myself calming down and starting to listen. As the second song began, before we even got the chorus, I could hear God proclaiming "I AM VICTORIOUS. THERE IS NO ONE AND NO THING BIGGER THEN ME. I HAVE ALREADY WON."
Uh what? Cue the water works. He's bigger then my crap. He's bigger then my brain. He's bigger then all my worries and doubts and questions. He's not sitting up in heaven, looking down saying "Woah man. That Blake chick? What a mess. I can't do anything with that..."
I've believed for too long that I'm unfixable, ungrowable, unchangeable.
Translation: My problems are too big for God to tackle. The crap I've gone through is bigger then God, and there's no way He can ever defeat these things in my brain.
With God, every day is a new day. A day of renewal, renovation, and grace. Now if I can just get my brain to jump on board with that idea, we'll be peachy.
Yup.
Fearless.
You know what's especially difficult when your brain doesn't stop talking? Hearing.
How could I ever expect to hear the quiet yet powerful voice of God if I was always too busy focusing on my own crap?
My own crap. There's so much of it, I often live in a state of overwhelmed. If you can even call that living...
At the Ring last night I finally was able to take a second and shut my brain off. As Josh called us to just let Sarah sing the song over us, I could feel myself calming down and starting to listen. As the second song began, before we even got the chorus, I could hear God proclaiming "I AM VICTORIOUS. THERE IS NO ONE AND NO THING BIGGER THEN ME. I HAVE ALREADY WON."
Uh what? Cue the water works. He's bigger then my crap. He's bigger then my brain. He's bigger then all my worries and doubts and questions. He's not sitting up in heaven, looking down saying "Woah man. That Blake chick? What a mess. I can't do anything with that..."
I've believed for too long that I'm unfixable, ungrowable, unchangeable.
Translation: My problems are too big for God to tackle. The crap I've gone through is bigger then God, and there's no way He can ever defeat these things in my brain.
With God, every day is a new day. A day of renewal, renovation, and grace. Now if I can just get my brain to jump on board with that idea, we'll be peachy.
Yup.
Fearless.
5/7/10
Hard to Handle?
As much as I'm loving this blogging experience, there's just some stuff that doesn't need to be typed. Or can't. Either way, I'm thankful God's given me the discernment to know what's okay to write and what doesn't need to be. But I'm even more thankful that He's granting me the direction and clarity to see the growth and positive outcomes from these not so positive situations.
All my life, I've never been able to learn lessons the easy way. I'm always the child that God has to rock to her core and wipe down to her foundation for me to finally go "Oooh. Okay. So that's what you meant?". Most the time, it sucks, but I'm so glad that He knows me better then I know myself, and knows that's what I need.
When I was in high school, my friends used to say that my theme song was "Hard to Handle" by the Black Crowes. It was cute and all, but they were totally unaware that in reality, it stung. Being "hard to handle" isn't something I exactly pride myself on. Like Megan Kelly says, "If boisterous was a fruit of the spirit, I'd be set." The real me, the Blake that God created and thought was good, is loud and silly and rambunctious. She laughs too loud, fights too hard, is passionate beyond measure, and He loves that. I don't love it so much, and I've let the world beat a lot of that out of me.
Let's just be honest here, I'm a fighter. It's the way I was created. If I believe in something, I'm going to fight for it. Being this way leaves room for a lot of let down and heart-break by the people in your life who aren't fighters. The people who find it easy to throw their hands up when things get difficult, and just peace out. I have a lot of trouble understanding this, it's just not the way I'm wired.
I'm just easy to walk away from = the lie I probably buy into the most
I don't think I'll ever understand washing your hands of a friend because things got a little difficult. I don't think I'll ever understand just walking away.
For a long time I've believed the lie that, other then my parents and the best friend I've had for 19 years, I've never had anyone fight for me. I've never been worth it to someone to fight it out, to stick around through the crap, to be able to look at me and think maybe she is a little hard to handle, but my goodness she's worth it.
I was so wrong, because then I found:
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14
I can't read that verse without getting goosebumps all over my body and tears in my eyes. He's never going to think I'm too much. He's never going to get frustrated, burnt out, and walk away. He loves who I am, every part of me. He's in it for the long haul. Forever and ever and ever.
I don't think it's realistic to say now that I know that, I don't care if anyone ever walks away from me again! I've got Jesus and that makes me impervious to pain. Not true. That pain is real. Jesus knows that, He felt it more hard core then any of us could ever experience. He understands. But having Him next to you when those times come, when people are human and tap out because they just can't handle it anymore, makes it so much less tormenting.
He will fight for me.
He wants me to be
Fearless.
All my life, I've never been able to learn lessons the easy way. I'm always the child that God has to rock to her core and wipe down to her foundation for me to finally go "Oooh. Okay. So that's what you meant?". Most the time, it sucks, but I'm so glad that He knows me better then I know myself, and knows that's what I need.
When I was in high school, my friends used to say that my theme song was "Hard to Handle" by the Black Crowes. It was cute and all, but they were totally unaware that in reality, it stung. Being "hard to handle" isn't something I exactly pride myself on. Like Megan Kelly says, "If boisterous was a fruit of the spirit, I'd be set." The real me, the Blake that God created and thought was good, is loud and silly and rambunctious. She laughs too loud, fights too hard, is passionate beyond measure, and He loves that. I don't love it so much, and I've let the world beat a lot of that out of me.
Let's just be honest here, I'm a fighter. It's the way I was created. If I believe in something, I'm going to fight for it. Being this way leaves room for a lot of let down and heart-break by the people in your life who aren't fighters. The people who find it easy to throw their hands up when things get difficult, and just peace out. I have a lot of trouble understanding this, it's just not the way I'm wired.
I'm just easy to walk away from = the lie I probably buy into the most
I don't think I'll ever understand washing your hands of a friend because things got a little difficult. I don't think I'll ever understand just walking away.
For a long time I've believed the lie that, other then my parents and the best friend I've had for 19 years, I've never had anyone fight for me. I've never been worth it to someone to fight it out, to stick around through the crap, to be able to look at me and think maybe she is a little hard to handle, but my goodness she's worth it.
I was so wrong, because then I found:
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14
I can't read that verse without getting goosebumps all over my body and tears in my eyes. He's never going to think I'm too much. He's never going to get frustrated, burnt out, and walk away. He loves who I am, every part of me. He's in it for the long haul. Forever and ever and ever.
I don't think it's realistic to say now that I know that, I don't care if anyone ever walks away from me again! I've got Jesus and that makes me impervious to pain. Not true. That pain is real. Jesus knows that, He felt it more hard core then any of us could ever experience. He understands. But having Him next to you when those times come, when people are human and tap out because they just can't handle it anymore, makes it so much less tormenting.
He will fight for me.
He wants me to be
Fearless.
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