You say you want a revolution?

This blog, for a change, is not about me.

Before I get into this, I want to say that this blog is written passionately. And honestly. And my prayer is that those who read it will not read it thinking I think I've got this on lock (I so, so don't), or that it's written from a condemning, judging heart, because I promise you, it is the very opposite. This is written from a heart that is desperate for the people, for the truth, and for unity.

It is also written somewhat fearful of negative backlash. It stems from years of feeling this way and being silent. It also comes from watching loved ones get hurt, burned, or turned off to Christianity all together. And it is written because my best friend said one of the most encouraging things anyone's ever said to me "Revolution is not a dinner party, not an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery. it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, polietly, plainly, or modestly. Just do it."

This is about us. Humans. People. And if we're going to get specific, Christians.

I looked, and I can't find it anywhere in the Bible where Jesus said "to each his own", or where he commanded his children to group off into organizations and talk negatively behind each others backs. I couldn't recall a verse where one denomination was declared greater then another, or anything of the sort. I could, however, find 1 Corinthians 1:10. "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."

That's pretty black and white if you ask me. Agree. Agree to love each other. Agree to put aside our affiliations and the religious differences we may have and focus on the thing that we do have in common. Jesus. Loving the lost and leading them to the truth we've found. Using our every word to praise the name of the Creator, not muttering under our breath about our differences.

This is huge people. It's become an epidemic on LSU's campus and no one is untouched. If you're not picking teams, then you're standing on the sidelines thinking "What about this mess is supposed to attract me to Christianity?" And if that's you, I am sorry. I am sorry that we, as Christians, have failed you, and that we, at times, pervert the love of Christ to a point that it is unrecognizable.

But if you're a part of this mess, how about we put down our weapons? How about we quit caring where people go, and start worrying about how their heart is? It really is so much more simple then we've made it out to be. Stop muttering and dividing, and start loving. If I was a gambling woman, I'd bet that you kind of love the way it feels.

So here it is. The hardest post I've ever written.
Thank God He's making me
Fearless.

I'm a travellin' man, movin through places, space, and time.

I haven't posted in five days. That's kind of a long time. And to be honest, it's because I haven't really felt like I've had very much to say. I could write a novel on how tired I am right now, but that's not very uplifting or challenging.

I've been so tired this week I haven't even had the strength to put my walls up, so it's actually been a rather easy and good couple of days. While I do still have to make a concerted effort to focus on being happy and positive, it's coming a little more effortlessly every day. This always results in less conflict with Alex, and yeah, I'll take that.

I don't know if people can see the change in me, I'd like to think they do. But it doesn't matter that much, I can feel the change. I can feel the weight that's been lifted off my chest and the freedom to laugh and see life a little clearer. I'm enjoying being an active participant in my life. I'm getting to know myself, what I want, and who I am. The moments of clarity and liberty are becoming so frequent that they're beginning to blur together and become the norm everyday.

Want to know why? Because I'm putting my stock in Jesus. Everyday, every minute, every second. The sad reality of life is that people, even the ones that love you more then they can bear, will let you down. Just like you'll let the people who mean more to you then life down as well. I can't imagine living day to day without a constant confidant that I know will never leave me or let me down. A friend and a Father that pours His love and grace into me until I overflow, and being able to use that overflow to love the people around me.

For those who don't know the story of the last 6 months of Alex and I's relationship, here's a small recap:
He decided in September or October that his desire is to coach football on the collegiate level. This is a big change from his original plan of construction. So, with the hopes that he and I are meant to spend the rest of our lives together, I hopped on board. To say the ride has been easy would be a lie. It's been hard, with God having to change a lot of my plans and desires that I was gripping onto way too tightly. We've had to jump over a lot of hurdles, but we've made it.
The most recent (and biggest) hurdle came in the form of having to become okay with the fact that I may not ever live in Louisiana ever again after next year, and would probably be moving from place to place quite a bit. I won't even go into the emotions and fears I had with that, there were a lot of them. I kept telling Alex that as a woman "I need roots. I need to set roots somewhere and have a home that I know I'll be living in longer then a few years."

A couple of weeks ago I went home to Covington and attended church with my family. I got distracted during the sermon and began to flip though my Bible. I randomly landed on Psalm 1. The first couple of verses knocked me on my butt.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

I heard a very clear voice of God saying Set your roots in Me, not in the place you live. That moment I decided I'd follow Alex anywhere that he felt God was leading him (even to the North. Hah.)

So here I go. A tired, hurdle jumping, Jesus trustin', travelin' woman on a journey that leads where only God knows.
I am Fearless.

Give me a head with hair; long, beautiful hair.

(I was a musical theater nerd in high school, and just noticed that two of my blog posts are titled lyrics from Broadway shows. Love it.)

I've always believed in the power of change. More specifically, hair change. After a difficult break up my sophomore year of college, I died my hair really, really dark. To me, it was a sign that I was done being the Blake that got walked all over and ignored and was now going to take over my life again. I haven't let anyone treat me that way since, but a lot of my issues stayed very much the same after that break up. Putting far too much worth in other peoples' opinions and desperately needing the love and approval of those I had decided I needed it from (which was usually pretty much everyone.)
A couple days ago I had just taken a shower and was standing in front of the mirror brushing out my hair. I was grumbling about how long it takes me to brush it out and dreading the forty-five minutes I knew it was going to take me to blow it dry. And something clicked. This is not you. I know it seems miniscule, but it was huge to me.
This is not you. You are not that girl that spends all this time on her hair and appearance to attain the acclaim of others. That second I called and made an appointment with my hair stylist.

I cut off 7 inches of my hair yesterday. As soon as I got out of the chair I couldn't stop smiling. It's sassy and cute and me. And I loved it.
Then I woke up this morning. While getting ready for class I started to panic a little. What if people don't think I'm beautiful anymore?? What if they think I look like a little kid and I don't get looked at as much? I immediately got grossed out with myself and made my brain stop. Do you HEAR yourself?!? It doesn't MATTER. This is exactly why I cut my hair, and I'm so glad I did. To break free of the mold I had concreted myself in of this va-va-voom, I'm perfect, pay attention to me girl, and get back to me.

But I was thinking the other day..what am I?
I know that I am sincere. I am protective. I am loving, and loved. I am a crier (which takes a lot for me to admit, but I'm starting to actually kind of love this about myself.) I am a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a good daughter. I am a dancer, and a runner. I am a sports fan. I am out-spoken and opinionated. I am an observer and a listener. I am a talker. I am funny. I am a laugh-till-you-cry-er. I am easily amused. But most importantly, I am redeemed and His.

And Fearless.

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.

The best way I can describe the way I've lived my life for the past few years is to imagine holding your breath, 24/7. When you're holding your breath, typically all your focused on is the fact that you're not breathing, that you're being held captive by the lack of oxygen, and waiting for that second when you can exhale. When I think of holding my breath, I tense my body up, close my eyes, and just wait. That is no way to live your life. Waiting in anticipation of the moment when you can finally be yourself for a second, when you can take the mask off and breathe. Breathing is good. Living life to its fullest, without walls, without faking it, soaking in every second, is good.

You know something thing that goes down the drain when you're holding your breath? Worship. It's kind of hard to sing your lungs out to the Creator of the Universe when all your concerned about is whether the person next to you is going to notice that you just missed that last note. So, for the fear of making people wonder "Who is skinning a cat during our time of worship?!", I had stopped actually singing during church. Honestly, it was kind of subconsciously, I don't remember ever actually deciding to stop. I was perfectly happy mouthing along to the words and contemplating their meaning in my head. For some reason in church yesterday, the very first song we sang, I loved (I wish I could remember what song it was..), and I belted it. And it felt good. Brought me back to days of belting out show tunes with my best friend in high school, before all this started and I became too restrained. After the first song was over, the stranger sitting next to me leaned over, introduced herself, and said "I really don't want to weird you out, but oh my goodness, you have the most beautiful voice." I was..stunned. I managed to stammer out that it was probably just because I had been singing really loudly, but she was adamant, "No, no, it was so beautiful. Seriously." I couldn't believe it. And as I sat there, I could feel God saying See? See!?! Now will you PLEASE worship me with everything?. Before the next song started, the woman leaned over and whispered "Please sing as loud as you can". I cried/belted my way through the next song.

Who am I, because of my insecurities, to refrain from worshiping the One that raised me from the grave? It scared me a little that my anxiety had gone that deep, to begin to separate me from Him.
The moments of freedom are becoming more frequent. And more noticeable. It's kind of funny, I can literally feel when I'm not stressing, not faking, just being. It feels so good, I wish I could make it be all the time with a snap of my fingers.

So today, I'm breathing a little deeper. And singing a little louder. And little by little, becoming more
Fearless.